<p>Ive said it several times that I doubt I will change anything, but I just needed to say it once because I feel so hurt & frustrated.
Its driving me nuts to keep repeating myself!
In my own family, my mom allotted her money to the grandchildren. I have two kids, my brother has four & my sister has five. We couldn’t afford to have more kids, my siblings have money from their spouses families as well as from our own. Whereas you probably have an idea how we are regarded by my in laws. 
I understand the reasoning, but it still felt yucky.</p>
<p>EK, I think I have a helpful perspective. DH’s father has Asperger’s though no one realized it until about 10 years ago. DH grew up remembering a loving father who cared for his kids and family. Since he didn’t process information in the same way, he thought of him as a bit dim witted though a history savant (even at 88 can rattle off dates related to American or British history). His sister, grew up thinking of her father as selfish and egocentric, and had little contact with him for many years. With an Aspie daughter, she now “gets it” and understands that he could not help who he was or how he was wired. </p>
<p>Perhaps your daughter will “get it” as well. But, it sounds like your husband doesn’t quite and there is no one to advocate for you. She probably doesn’t realize how hurt you are, or she wants to hurt you badly so that you will feel emotion for her. That’s what my sister-in-law did to her dad for many years. But, she felt that her dad just didn’t care about anyone else. </p>
<p>She really thinks you can rewire your brain, and of course, you can’t. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But, your daughter doesn’t want money or things. She really needs to just understand who you are. I’m not sure how to get her there. Nothing we said to DH’s sister worked.</p>
<p>We cannot force ourselves on anybody including our own kids.
Unfortunately if you do not realize it, you might end up in institution. This is non-rosy truth. Other might have some buttered up, sugared up suggestions, but I like to be in control of my own life. I would never make syself dependent on anybody (eventually when I cannot move, it will happen, but not on my own). To live based on somebody else reaction to your existance is to put yourself into very dependant position, do not do it to yourself, you (and every human being) deserve better than that.</p>
<p>EK, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I am also in the camp of “leave her alone.” I know that is difficult, but you must respect her wishes, especially if you want to maintain the possibility that she will one day come back to you on her own. </p>
<p>I do wonder if the family history of mental illness may be in play here, either because she has some issues herself or because she worries that she will. Or maybe it’s just that she has trouble coping with the reality that is you. Regardless of the reason, her feelings are her feelings, and they cannot be changed by wishful thinking. I know that s**ks, but it is what it is.</p>
<p>Now, for YOU: Please find a yoga studio that caters to the “whole self.” I know a woman who began practicing yoga to deal with her fibromyalgia … it has made a world of difference for her life. She is able to deal with the pain without meds, and she has found that she is also able to more effectively deal with all the other stresses life brings her way. Intentional practice in a group setting is most likely to bring you the most success. Start it, keep with it, and embrace it. You may find that it changes your world in a very positive manner.</p>
<p>I think EK4 is in a “can’t win either way” situation. If she doesn’t periodically reach out, then the D may think that her mom has rejected her and doesn’t want contact. So, maybe a compromise needs to happen. Instead of reaching out every few weeks, maybe reduce the reach-outs to every 6 months? </p>
<p>Also…I wonder what would happen in a face to face situation? It’s easy to continue to reject someone when there isn’t face to face contact.</p>
<p>{{{ more hugs }}}</p>
<p>^Yoga gives me virtigo (and my friend has the same problem), so, please, find something that is good for you, yoga might or might not be, stay open to ALL opportunities, stay busy, you life has to be in YOUR full control…but cannot control others though, it is their life/their decisions/their reasons. They will pay for them or benefit from them, should NOT be you, though.</p>
<p>I am concerned about this message you are sending older daughter… (we paid so much for your education…you got the private school education…little sister “just” got the public education…you are supposed to “help” younger sib, since grandma’s money helped you.). It sounds like you think older daughter owes you more since you spent more, and that you feel like younger sis was short-changed and older sis over-indulged. Bad message to send any kid! Please look at this with a therapist, because it is not a healthy message to send your kid and not a healthy attitude to have.</p>
<p>EK, some of the things you have posted have reminded me of personal stuff in my own family. What jumps out at me is that your daughter is likely trying to figure out who she is as a wholly separate person from you. As was mentioned earlier, you see yourself as reminding your daughter that you love her. She already knows that, but she may not really know where you end and she begins. Step back and let her do that figuring out. I know it is hard, but if you don’t let her get her adult feet under her, you will face continuing conflict. Your daughter knows that you love her and she knows that you miss her, but she just needs to make her life. Be patient. She will come back to you if you let her.</p>
<p>Ek4, I am so sorry to hear this. I have learned so much from your posts, and I know how devoted you are to your daughter. This is excruciating for you.</p>
<p>I have to agree with everyone else. You need to stop contacting her. There are lots of great suggestions for alternate ways to nurture yourself and/or others, including your own idea of respite care. You have so much to give. Shift your focus away from your older daughter. But don’t change your will or your beneficiaries. You may feel that you should do something for your younger daughter, because she did not receive as much growing up. But that decision should be separate from your feelings about your daughter’s behavior.</p>
<p>I can tell you that I went through periods of feeling aversion to my parents. In my early 20’s, I couldn’t stand my mother. I am ashamed to think of it now, because I have so much love and respect for her. But there were a couple of years where everything she did annoyed me. I think now that it was part of growing up and separating from her. A nasty part, I wish it had been different, but at the time I didn’t have any control over it. In my early 30’s, I came to terms with my parents’ alcoholism, which dominated our family life, and recognized the serious effects of my childhood environment. At that point, I blamed my father, and pretty much ignored him for a couple of years. Again, the feelings of aversion passed, and I had a very good relationship with him for years, until he died. I came to see that he had had a difficult childhood himself, but I couldn’t come to this point until I’d recognized and dealt with my own issues.</p>
<p>My siblings had different views on our family life. I’m thinking of HyperJulie’s post. I have siblings who are a decade or more younger than I am, and as far as I’m convinced, they had different parents. Things were radically different for them. Some of my siblings recognized the problems, some didn’t. One of my brothers, who has a naturally sunny disposition, said that he always thought our family life was great because none of us ended up in jail.</p>
<p>This long response is my way of saying that your daughter’s behavior now is more about her than about you. Don’t beat yourself up about things that happened while she was growing up. You did the best you could, and at some point she will recognize this.</p>
<p>edited to add: I cross-posted with zm, who said something similar much more succinctly!</p>
<p>EK, your post breaks my heart.
Is it possible that your daughter is having a difficult time separating/individuating from her family when she is with you all to the point that she feels she is loses who she is when she has contact with the most nurturing person in the family, you? Could she need the space in order to grow and become independent? </p>
<p>There was a time in my life when just being around my mom made me feel like I was still a kid. It was partly my fault, as I wasn’t strong enough to assert my own needs when I was with her. I also felt like she never really knew who I was. I know that I got married at 20, before I even graduated college, partly as a response to what I perceived as her overbearing, yet needy, mothering. Between 18 and 30 or so, she was pretty much “out of sight, out of mind” for me. We saw each other- weren’t physically estranged, but we were certainly emotionally estranged- all on my end. She would vent and tell me her problems, but I would politely listen and just try to get out as soon as I could.</p>
<p>It is only with age and maturity that I’m able to handle her neediness in the last few years, and I think we have a decent relationship. I do make an effort to call, visit and listen to her now, and while she overwhelms me with her issues, I finally have the strength of my own personality to handle what is sometimes very emotionally draining for me.
The point I’m making is that for some reason your daughter equates her own emotional health with being away from her family, and especially you. While this must hurt a lot, I still think this is mostly about her and her growing up. </p>
<p>I agree with others: Don’t contact her in any way. This will give her the space she needs to make her own movements toward you. And when she does- and I would bet highly that she will- don’t reciprocate with more movements toward her. Let her come to you again, on her own terms, and continue doing so.
I can tell you first hand that even though my mother frustrated me, annoyed me, angered me, even disgusted me at times, I still loved and love her. I’m sure your daughter loves you as well. But you have to let her have the space to grow up and be confident in her own strength. Then she’ll have the room in her heart to realize she loves you, and make some efforts at contact.</p>
<p>Agree with the two previous posts. It looks like some of us were thinking along the same lines- just took some of us longer to say it.</p>
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<p>Same here. I could have written that^. Also the part about siblings seeming to have completely different experiences with the same parents. </p>
<p>A couple of thoughts: One of the reasons why I think I had trouble with my mother (and father) during those years was because my life had become “bigger,” and opened my mind to how limited my parents were in many ways that I had never noticed before. They were college educated but came from small town backgrounds and were not very exciting people. I went through a phase where I <em>wished</em> I had a different family/upbringing, and I was even embarrassed about them because my current social circle seemed so much more sophisticated, and my friends’ families seemed so much <em>cooler.</em> (I realize now that this was superficial, but it felt very real and deep at the time).</p>
<p>I also had a sister who had chronic illness issues, perhaps like your younger D (?). One thing people often don’t consider is what impact growing up with a sibling who gets so much attention for being sick, has on the healthy siblings. We were expected to be helpful and grateful it was not us, but it can also be a heavy burden for young children to understand and can create complicated negative feelings in the family.</p>
<p>Finally, I actually think you should not go silent with respect to your D. My mother never gave up on being my mother during those rough years, and looking back I think that was exactly what I really wanted. She would continue to call every once in awhile and send cards for birthdays, etc. What she didn’t do is acknowledge my bad attitude. She just went along pretending life was fine and did not address it. That was the right thing to do. One thing she did wrong, however, was to call and constantly fill me in about the sick sister. I think that was something I was trying to get away from, and I had a relationship with my sister so I could find out on my own.</p>
<p>A mom should always be there for her child, no matter how badly they screw up. That is what unconditional love is. If I were you, I’d periodically send a card or leave a phone message that does not ask for anything back, but conveys your continuing love for her. Families can be so complex; sending you best wishes for working it out.</p>
<p>Another thought - you said that you older daughter never gave you a bit of trouble while she was growing up. I was the same way, the perfect child. The family lore includes a story about my getting caught chewing gum when I was in 8th grade, and the nun telling my mother that she was glad that I had actually done something wrong. I think that “good girls” are sometimes that way in an effort to make things right in the family, and need to do some acting out in early adulthood because they didn’t do the normal acting out as a kid? </p>
<p>I’m as much trying to excuse myself for my behavior, especially toward my mother, as I am trying to help you. I can’t tell you how awful I’ve always felt about it. I cringe whenever I think of it.</p>
<p>And I think that one thing that helped all of us through that awful period is that I’m the oldest of 10 kids. So my mother still had multiple children at home when I was in my early 20’s. She didn’t have time or energy to agonize over me.</p>
<p>I think you should write your daughter a long letter once a week. Say what you want to say. Seal and date the envelope.</p>
<p>Then don’t mail it. Just put it away.</p>
<p>Send a postcard that says only “I love you and I’m thinking of you.”</p>
<p>And I like the advice to get a puppy.</p>
<p>I am concerned about this message you are sending older daughter.</p>
<p>What message am I sending?
Ive barely had any contact with her for the last ten years, except for sending her birthday presents and seeing her for a day or so at Christmas or Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>The longest time I had alone with her in years, was when I took the girls to the mall the day after Christmas, but since I couldn’t walk, I parked myself in a chair at Macys and they dumped their coats and things next to me and older daughter finished up first so she came and sat down too.</p>
<p>I think she was shocked at my condition, because I had deteriorated quite a bit from the spring when I went to see where she was teaching, but she didnt say anything.</p>
<p>Aside from my contacting her to let her know I would pay for her medical insurance and that I missed her, albeit when she did not want to contact her at all, there isnt any message except that when I was allowed to be her mom was the happiest time of my life.</p>
<p>I wonder if that right there is the problem…that you’be made it clear that the “best time of.your life” was all about her. That’s a heavy burden…that you’re nothing much when not being supermom. Maybe despite that belief on your part, your D doesn’t remember it AT ALL. As the “best” time I’m HER life, and there’s the disconnect.</p>
<p>Give it time. Keep the cards and short missives going, but don’t go overboard when there seems to be a break. That can make her back off again and for longer. Just keep it calm and cool. </p>
<p>My brother and I did not communicate for about 3 years. Just a few short notes that third year. And we were quite close. Then it was like the breach never happened and we are ever so close again. </p>
<p>Hugs from here too!</p>
<p>I have no words of wisdom but wanted to add my supportive presence. I hope you can concentrate on your own medical problems ( knee/ pain) and find some relief. I know you miss and worry about your daughter. It’s a hard time for you.</p>
<p>Sorry, EMK… my post didn’t come out sounding the way I meant it… I have only sympathy and admiration for all you have done and gone through and I am optimistic that your daughter will reestablish contact with you. And yet…and yet… I have some concerns about some of the things you have written. (considering writing your daughter out of your will, talking about throwing out her stuff, and some guilt-trippy stuff about the money you spent on her and how that short-changed her younger sister, etc). It just seems like these might be issues to share with a therapist…</p>
<p>EK already said in her first post that she is seeing a therapist. She didn’t say that the private school/college vs. public school/college was something she talks to her Ds about, or changing her will either. And the Ds stuff left at home is something that needs to be addressed. As a previous poster said, not a free storage facility.</p>
<p>I have a close relative going through a similar situation with her son. He moved halfway across the country to live with a highly inappropriate girlfriend and now has very little contact with his family. It has been very sad to see this develop. Apparently he needs more space to finish growing up.</p>
<p>I had another friend whose daughter cut her off for about 18 months. (Only child of single mom.) She was in her mid to late 20s when she did that, and her poor mom was so hurt. Eventually the D got over it, and they became close again.</p>
<p>I think you have to just back off, maybe just let your husband contact her for now. Maybe try the idea of writing the letters but not sending them, or get a special journal and just write it all down there. Continue with counseling, get another dog, work on getting back in shape after your knee surgery. Focus on other things and people as much as you can. We can’t change anyone else, only ourselves. I am glad your other D is being supportive and you are in a good phase with her. It’s good that you have two Ds.</p>