I just found out that a 2-year old boy who lives across the street has leukemia.
I’m friendly with his parents, I’ve babysat the little guy when his regular babysitter became unavailable, I’ve picked up their mail when they’re out of town and I walked their dog when my neighbor was too sick to. Their family lives out of state, and while the grandma is here now, for the first round of chemo, she will have to go home eventually.
I know once grandma goes home, they’ll probably appreciate some home cooked meals, especially since the sick boy’s mom is pregnant. (Sigh.)
But besides that, is there something I can do to help them? (They have a cleaning service, and someone does yardwork.) Those of you who’ve been there, please send some suggestions.
I am so sorry. How very sad.
I don’t have any explicit ideas, but I do suggest you ask them if you can do specific things, or just go ahead and do them, and not say “let me know what I can do to help.”
Would they be interested in arranged meals? Maybe you can work with others to rotate a couple of meals a week.
You could offer to sit with the son while she goes to her OB visits, if you have time.
Walking the dog is probably a good idea too. Just say “how about if I come by at 6 to walk the dog” or “I am available Monday and Thursday this week - what time would be convenient for you?”
You are kind to want to help.
Offer to go to the store or to pick things up for them when you are doing your own shopping. I am doing this for a friend whose H is battling cancer. He can’t be left alone right now so she appreciates people who don’t mind doing some shopping.
Maybe put together a basket to toys, puzzles, coloring books, etc. and then offer to do some “in home babysitting” while the mom takes a nap, a shower, pays bills, whatever just to give her a break.
When I read your post, my eyes just closed in pain. That poor family.
I’m not experienced with an identical situation, but I have been through a similar situation. Two things pop out to me. The fist is, offer to drive the mom to the hospital when her pregnancy is farther along. It won’t be safe for her to be behind the steering wheel once she’s at a certain stage of her pregnancy, and her spouse may not always be available.
Commuters can talk about their day, but a simple sharing of the day’s events is often denied people in your friend’s position. So the second thing is, be prepared to listen. When my child had a potentially terminal illness, people with good hearts would usually say “oh everything will be alright”. Those people were cutting off the conversation without really intending to. I appreciated their sentiments and good wishes, but I needed to talk about real life, not pie in the sky. I don’t mean the spilling your guts kind of thing, I just mean talking about a specific part of my day, such as good or bad thing a nurse had done, the platlit count, and things like that. We all need to download sometimes. You might want to think about some specific questions to ask, and see if your friend happens to be like I was.
I would offer to go to medical/oncology appointments with her so you can take notes. You can ask her ahead of time what questions she has and make sure they get asked. Offer to help her research if she likes to research about the newest treatments
When she goes into labor, her husband would need to take her to a hospital, and someone would need to stay home with a little boy. Offer to be on call for this or other possible emergencies. They may not feel comfortable to disturb you in the middle of the night without your offer. It’s great that you live across the street, so you can get there fast. And ditto what hayden said about listening and just being there for them.
I like the suggestions that are specific. Ex: I am available to walk the dog, babysit, drive to appointments. I think specifics are better than “Let me know if you need anything”. Also, if certain times/days are better for you, you can let your neighbors know that.
OK, I know it’s been 27 years since my last kid was born, but is this really a thing? I was driving everywhere up until my kids were born - no one ever told me otherwise.
If you are close enough, then maybe you could be like a surrogate grandma. Tell her you would like to be with him and read, watch movies, play games so she can be free to do other things.
Grocery shopping.
Housecleaning. Laundry. (if she is comfortable enough with you doing this)
Dog. Help with the dog i.e. walking, bathing and playing with him/her.
Running errands. Tell her when you are going someplace specific and say what can i pick up for you.
Hot meals. Tell her “I will simply make double and bring it over”, no arguments. Enlist other neighbors to help or offer to be the point person for all her various groups of friends who want to help with meals so it can be an organized effort.
Poor little guy. Heartbreaking.
If it snows, shovel their walk with yours. Rake leaves, put out the trash on trash day if they aren’t home. Offer to take their dog at times they are at the hospital late, offer to take a key and have them call you any time they find they can’t make it home so you can rescue the dog. It really is the little things that build up for them and to come home at 8 pm to a walked and fed dog is priceless.
Ask the grandmother before she leaves what she’s been doing for them (going to the store, being home for the cleaning service, bringing in packages). Give her your number before she leaves and tell her to call you if she finds out anything needs to be done.
You are all wonderful people. It is an honor to read your wise words. When I was going through chemo and someone brought us dinner it was fabulous. We were so tired of take out.
I know someone who went through this with one of his kids (who thankfully is in remission now). One day it snowed, and one of his neighbor’s shoveled their walk & driveway. He kept up a Caringbridge site, and wrote that this kindness after a long day at the hospital brought him to tears. Food, help with shopping, pet care – all seem like good ideas to me.
My best friend’s son was diagnosed with liver cancer when he was 3 months old. I used to go and sit with her when he was undergoing chemo. Drive her to appointments if she needs it. I made sure she knew she could call me any time day or night if she needed me. He had a seizure at 2 in the morning once and I was glad she knew she could call and I was able to take her daughter while she went with him in the ambulance. Help with any and every day to day things so she doesn’t have to worry about them. Pick up prescriptions if she needs you to (the insurance would only allow one day supply of anti nausea meds so they had to be picked up daily). Be there for moral support if she has to do things like give him shots or flush picc lines or ports. Take care of pets or other kids. Listen to her. Hug her. Let her cry, vent, scream if she needs to. And she will.
I have tears in my eyes remembering those days and it was 19 years ago, nearly 20. I remember how strange it seemed that life around her was going on as normal while she was going through this hell. Anything you can do to make them know they are not alone will help.
Laminate a card with your phone number, email, work phone, so they can reach you for the unexpected. Make two, deliver them, and be clear that you aren’t just blowing smoke. Don’t visit uninvited. Get your flu shot. Give them a gas gift card. Don’t pity them, support them. Listen, don’t talk. Do all of this for more than the first month. It’s a marathon, so can you go the distance? Especially for the scary parts? Their life will be full of people who can’t sustain this – don’t start if you are just another one of them.
Offer to help grandma too. Don’t wait to be told what to do – if the driveway needs shovelled, shovel it. You may end up with temporary possesion of the dog, that can be a choice. Respect that they don’t know what they need, that what they need will change, anf sometimes they just want to be left alone. Offer to babysit, still, or babysit the infant.
We had more food than was useful. A roll of quarters is handy. Breakfast items are handy, too, make them totally portable.
Say “I’m glad to see you” not " how are you" . And don’t ever offer medical advice (“my cousin’s son had leukemia and he got better because of pineapple/prayer/exercise”)
We wish for all good outcomes for your little friend❤️
I’m learning a lot from all of you, so please keep it coming.
Someone else told me to get a flu shot, so I’ll get one on Monday.
I dropped by today with some locally grown peaches (a “thing” here) and an offer to walk to the dog. Turns out, a family member has temporiarily adopted it.
The mom and I talked about me staying with the little guy when she goest to the gym. She’s very athletic, works out a lot, and I know it will mean a lot to her to continue… when she’s psychologically ready. Right now she’s still trying to wrap her mind around the fact of her son’s illness. She also liked the idea of me coming over so she can take a nap.
When grandma leaves, I’ll guage the level of support they’re getting from friends – I don’t want to overwhelm them with food, as it happened with greenbutton – but I may end up bring them dinners on their chemo days.
If the family would like help with meals and they have a network of others who want to help, you might see if they’d like you to set something up on takethemameal.com or a similar site so people can sign up for meals and can see what others are sending to avoid repetition. Depending on the family’s preference, you could leave a cooler on their porch and ask people to bring things in disposable containers that don’t need to be returned, and to not ring the doorbell or knock when delivering food.
Takethemameal.com is a great site. I participated in it when a friend of mine was ill, not cancer, but debilitating enough that her family had things to worry about besides healthy meals. The site allows you to list the foods each family member prefers, as well as those they don’t like or are allergic, too. It also keeps a calendar and lists each day’s offerings so they don’t get a lasagna eight days in a row.
Remind them to make use of the hospital’s social worker. One of my closest friends specializes in pediatric and adolescent cancer patients and she is fountain of information about services,etc. in our area.
Until your flu shot takes effect, ask the mom and dad if they want you to wear a mask.