<p>Hey hot is important too. My recent advice to a young friend was “find a best friend you can’t keep your hands off of.”</p>
<p>PS this is a big digfference between men and women-- because in general women will be 10 times more sexually turned on by someone they can relax with, whereas men can find danger exciting.</p>
<p>Love at first sight for me. Can’t really explain it–a bunch of us were gathering at someone’s house to go skiing, and in he walked. I took one look at him and I knew, before we even exchanged any words. Something in his eyes. We have been together for 28 years, still going strong.</p>
<p>Well, we absolutely knew at “first sight” but there was PLENTY of accumulated personal wisdom from dating others before that “first glance.” We met in a very sober context (a national religious/social justice conference) that reassured us of similar values. It was like having l00 ancient relatives looking over our shoulders, nodding and pushing, “go ahead, darlings, talk to each other, it’s okay” like a chorus of matchmakers. </p>
<p>When we began to speak to each other, it turned out we had met l0 years earlier, shared the same alma mater, and he was a friend of my older brother.<br>
A few dates later, we were talking about marriage…but we were also in our early 30’s, not early 20’s, so don’t try this at home until you’ve lived a little.</p>
<p>I wish I had listened to my Mom, but who does; I had to discover first-hand through experience that what matters most is how a man treats a woman (emotionally, not talking expensive dates…), with care and courtesy at the deepest level of feelings. That’s not knowable from someone’s resume, achievements, or salary. What others think is a “good catch” might just as well be thrown back into the grandstands. My Mom had advised, “Don’t look for someone with whom there’s no problems. Look for someone you think you can solve problems with. Life keeps sending you the problems.” They had married at ages 19 and 21, typical to “The Greatest Generation” (post WWII) and learned those lessons during marriage; we learned them prior to.</p>
<p>In my culture, there’s a mystical concept called “beshert” which means The One that you are destined to meet. By age 29, I scrambled up the word and said resentfully to my grandmas, “I’ll never find my sherbet, please just stop talking about it.” One figured I must be gay or something, but finally stopped nagging me. </p>
<p>Then I realized “finding someone” is like when you’ve misplaced your car keys. You look everywhere…then give up! You say, “Rats, I can’t go out now” so pick up your paperback book to read at home instead. Underneath the paperback book are the missing car keys. WHen you stop oppressing yourself by “looking”, the right one (the “beshert”) magically appears, like a little lost-key leprochaun (sp? out of my cultural element, obviously).</p>
<p>After the “first glance” and a few follow-up dates, H called his Mom and said, “Plan for a June wedding” and within a month, that’s what we were all planning. </p>
<p>I heard another idea that rings true now. Sometimes life’s problems from outside of the coupledom can break people apart. There are stress-points in a marriage when you have to be “committed to the idea of being married” because you’re not even sure if you still feel committed to your partner. Very confusing difference.</p>
<p>When our teens asked us if we’d ever get divorced (not that we were arguing, just they began to meet many children of divorce), we joked to reassure them that we’re both too lazy and disorganized to file the paperwork to divorce, but that masks a more serious statement: There are times when you get right to the brink in your thoughts, and at that moment you decide whether to cross a bridge or stay on the same side.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to realize that some of these 25 and 30 year marriages are not because of continuous romance and good times. As well, some who chose to divorce also made the right decisions. </p>
<p>Sorry so long; wow, you really got me thinking with your adorable question!</p>
<p>EDIT: SBMom’s posting rang true as a bell to me just now! Core values, indeed.</p>
<p>martharap, I can explain that: pheromones</p>
<p>I felt that way (that he was the one) about my second boyfriend. Then he spent his junior year in Taiwan, I stayed behind. We each found new significant others during that year, and are still married to them. It was not love at first sight with my dh. He kind of snuck up on me, I hung out with his roommates and then more and more with him. We talked a lot. Because of that first experience, I really was never quite as sure about current husband though I love him dearly - we’ve been a couple 30 years. </p>
<p>Speaking of pheromones… My husband always says that what attracted him was that my hair smelled good :rolleyes: - too bad Herbal Essences changed their formula!</p>
<p>When we found out we both liked anchovies and hated stand-up cocktail parties.</p>
<p>“because in general women will be 10 times more sexually turned on by someone they can relax with, whereas men can find danger exciting.”</p>
<p>Oh I think you’re age is changing the story a bit… I think in general both sexes are pretty stupid when young. We are attracted to what we don’t want long term or what we should know better about… For girls it’s the I can change him guy and for guys it’s the girls you can’t take home to mom… </p>
<p>Most people experience these versions in their lives… </p>
<p>It isn’t till ya get a little older that you realize where you’re playing isn’t where you want to be… </p>
<p>The night I met my wife, I was heading out of a local pub tired of bimbos and the games… and ran into her in a sweatshirt and jeans coming in from a softball game with some people I knew… just bumped into the right person at the right time… karma… I guess.</p>
<p>But Opie, sometimes both versions are us. I don’t remember getting
taken home to meet mom a lot when I was 17 and 18. I scared the
hell out of myself at that age with my impetuousness, and called it fun.</p>
<p>However, I seem to have grown up into a responsible and stable
adult, and hardly scare anybody anymore.</p>
<p>I’m with JHS and SBMom. No THE ONE. Quite a few ones. After my divorce from a man whom I adored but left me DH was the first one to say he’d be willing to have a baby (he was the 22nd one I’d asked.) She’s beautiful. And then I wanted another, and he said he’d agree only if we were married. So, it’s 19 years of marriage, an almost 21 year old, my darling 18 year old and we’re still all talking, laughing, singing and struggling together.</p>
<p>I guess that’s close enough for me.</p>
<p>“type” is also something to be careful about. I always went for the popped collar, Gucci shoes, (no socks, of course!) slicked back hair investment banker type and was terminally disappointed but always went for another. The night I met DH he had one black sock, one blue sock and WALLABEES and green jeans! Can you beat that? I was smitten. Go figure. He also didn’t know a thing about Wall Street and could have cared less. What a breath of fresh air. Just celebrated our 16th anniversary.</p>
<p>There is no beating wallabees… so I won’t even try! HILARIOUS!!!</p>
<p>“But Opie, sometimes both versions are us. I don’t remember getting
taken home to meet mom a lot when I was 17 and 18. I scared the
hell out of myself at that age with my impetuousness, and called it fun.”</p>
<p>usually when I met the parents, I broke up about a month later or so…
If mom, knew all the people I fooled around with… well, she’s still with us. So in a way I spared her heart trouble…</p>
<p>“However, I seem to have grown up into a responsible and stable
adult, and hardly scare anybody anymore.” </p>
<p>When I do finally grow up, I’ll let you know…</p>
<p>actually how I knew she was the one??? </p>
<p>Camping. the ultimate test.
Not good camping, but camping where something (usuallly many things) goes wrong.</p>
<p>I knew she was a keeper when she still hung around me after a week camping in WA/IA with my brother and his gf… Let’s see for starters… crosspiece for tent was left behind so our 8 person tent for two barely fit the two of us and her dog… people felt sorry for us with all the ropes and bungy cords holding up the tent…
Then all the coleman camping equipment (which was quite old) failed to work. No lantern, stove… and my brother whining about not being able to cook food as the campfire roared (?) in a very nice voice she suggested to my older artist(prof at WSU) brother “why don’t we just use the campfire?” ( now I could tell she could deal with my family calmly) </p>
<p>Next day rafting (after I fixed the coleman gear) and things got better.
I earned the name “coleman brother” for the next couple of decades after that trip… But she still went out with me…</p>
<p>How she knew I was the one? When we went to visit my family and left her dog (newfie) in my less than a year old car, as to not bother my parents. After meeting folks, we got an ok to bring the dog in, so I went back out to my new honda prelude and say about a minute 30 seconds had elapsed and I call her dog over to the drivers side. She stands on my seat… with most of the passenger door material still hanging out of her mouth… In less than two minutes she had shredded 80% of the door panel of the passenger side…
My then gf (now wife) said “she’d pay for it”. “no, that’s Ok…” </p>
<p>Little did she know that payback would be 25+ years with me…the dog? had issues. It also ate most of the unfinished basement in our new home. It had alone time issues… but it was tweleve when it died and I didn’t do it. </p>
<p>So I suggest to my kids the camping test to see what happens when things aren’t easy to see how a potential mate responds… </p>
<p>I can’t reccommend the car door test, it’s too expensive.</p>
<p>Re: testing a relationship: A columnist too old for OP but age-appropriate for parents, Erma Bombeck, wrote, “You never really know a man until you try to hang a picture with him.” :)</p>
<p>I like Opie’s camping test but at the moment, it’s blizzarding here. So if decisions must be made this weekend, bring out the hammer and picture wire.</p>
<p>For me, everything bad happens on a sailboat.</p>
<p>LOL. My parents have said they knew my husband was a keeper when he went to our uninsulated VT cabin for part of winter break with my family and survived my Dad’s stomach flu and my (future) sister-in-law’s temper tantrum. (She’s actually lovely.) One of our first outings was a backpacking trip on the Appalachian Trail for spring break, but I don’t remember any mishaps.</p>
<p>Ahhh parents . . . . My parents and my wife have never gotten along well, notwithstanding (or because of) the many similarities between her personality and my mother’s. (Of course.) She’s not quite their kind of woman, and from her standpoint she has suffered by being the only true in-law in my family. </p>
<p>Plus, one of the worst mistakes in my life poisoned things at the outset. When I was a senior in college, one item in my self-improvement program was to talk to my mother about issues in my life in real time. (I had always had a kind of six-month rule: no detailed information less than six months old. But I knew that hurt her a lot, and two of my siblings would give her play-by-play commentary on their evening as soon as they got home.) I thought I was big enough now not to be threatened by my Mom knowing my business. Big mistake. The first (and last) thing I chose to discuss with her was my disappointment that I hadn’t been able to make anything happen with this one girl, and the many good (but sad) reasons for that. How the heck was I to know that I was giving her her first, not entirely positive, glimpse of her future daughter-in-law? It was a completely safe conversation, there was no way she was ever going to meet this woman, who clearly didn’t like me as much as I liked her, and who was probably going out with someone else, and who was too busy to keep lunch dates, etc., etc. And because of whom I was making, in my parents’ eyes, a horrible, unforgivable mistake about graduate school.</p>
<p>Just a disaster. They’ve learned to tolerate and even to appreciate – somewhat – each other, but the relationship never really had a chance after that.</p>
<p>I met my wife’s parents once, briefly, soon after we had started going out, but I don’t think they took me very seriously then, and my wife was daughter #4, so they were used to meeting boys they would never meet again. (We found out some years later that they had found one of her earrings in their double bed at their beach house, so they did know something was up.) When she told them she was moving across the country to be with me, it was days before her father told her mother he was leaving her, so they both wound up being a little distracted.</p>
<p>We scheduled a date-he was an associate in a law firm and suddenly called away to Pittsburgh with a Sr Partner. The date was off–then on again, he would return in time. Then it was off again! He ended up calling that Fri before the Sat nite date to say that yes he would be coming back to town in time, and if I hadn’t completely abandoned the idea of a date w/him or had other plans, would I still be interested? Yes, I went on the date (a local Baseball team game). A couple of days later, I received a postcard in the mail from Pittsburgh from him (and postmarked) stating that yes, he really had been in Pittsburgh. We have been married 23+ years!!</p>
<p>IMHO, there’s no “the one”; there’s several possible ones. </p>
<p>But how to know if he’s a keeper?I don’t know if you ever really know; you just keep on chugging along. It’s been 29 years for me and DH, and I did almost leave him during one decade, but as someone else said, I liked the idea of being married so I stuck it out. (It also would have been financial suicide to split the assets.)</p>
<p>At this point – empty nesters – things seem to have settled down and we enjoy each other again.</p>
<p>Most of the time.</p>
<p>My H and I dated in high sch., broke up when he left for college. After dating another guy seriously for 2 years, I thought he was the one but there was so much angst in our relationship. I was actually relieved when he broke up with me right before first semster exams. Went home for Christmas, ran into H at the Christmas Eve church service. We started dating, rekindled the old flame except he was so much more mature (college senior) this time. I just fell for the way he truly cared for me and I could totally be myself with him. I came to realize that I had spent the last couple of years walking on eggshells with the previous BF and it was just exhausting. I know it sounds corny but if you can be exactly who you are with a person and they still love you, you might have found the one. We’ve been married for 25 years.</p>
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<p>Our first outing was a sailing double date. My friend and I ran his father’s boat into a dock. She still went out with me again, although she doesn’t sail anymore.</p>