How did you raise your kids? What worked? What didn't?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I know that having kids, for me, is years down the road (I’m only 25), but I can’t help but get in the mode of pondering this question when so many of my friends are getting married now (which means that for some, kids are inevitably a couple years away).</p>

<p>Someday I want to be a loving father who can raise happy, intelligent kids. But I’d rather go in with a plan instead of leaping in headfirst without much of an idea.</p>

<p>How did you go about raising your kids? What did you learn, what would have done differently, what worked, and what didn’t? How did things turn out? How were your expectations or desires shaped, if at all? How did you change as a person? When were times most difficult? The most fun?</p>

2

<p>Lessons learned:<br>
Do NOT say, “I will never…” or “My child will never…” because you/they probably will. </p>

<p>Take as many photos as you can. Film as much as you can. Write down what they say and do. It goes so fast, and you need to be able to look back at how adorable/funny/sweet they were when they were young, so that you can overcome the urge to (fill in the blank here) when they are being especially exasperating. </p>

<p>When were times most difficult?
Every stage seemed to be the most difficult when we were smack in the middle of it.</p>

<p>The most fun?
Every stage was the most fun in retrospect.</p>

3

<p>I think the best thing you can do is take an active role in the child’s development: read to them daily, bring them to parks, talk about flowers and the stars, visit museums…</p>

4

<p>First off, you must have been raised to be a thoughtful adult, because you certainly are! It gives me hope for the next generation…</p>

<p>Have you heard, “Life happens while plans are being made”? Or Forrest Gump: “Life is like a box chocolates…You never know what you’re gonna get.” There are so many variables that it’s pretty impossible to say “Do this, and you’re guaranteed that outcome.” People are uniquely made—what works for one family probably won’t work for yours. What works for your daughter probably won’t work for your son.</p>

<p>However, in our family we agreed on some basics:
Establish a firm spiritual foundation
Travel as much as you can afford in time and money
Many cultural opportunities
Traditions
Relationships with extended family
Working to potential (emphasize importance of education)
Health (diet and exercise)
Volunteerism
Fun as a family (games, playing in the park)
Responsibilities at home (chores, support for each other)
Creative outlets/hobbies (art, music, etc.)</p>

<p>The most fun we had as a family was traveling all over the U.S., visiting relatives, raising dogs, volunteering together, and sharing hobbies.</p>

<p>This list can go on forever. We never wrote it down, but it was developed over time through a lot of communication. Did we ever follow it perfectly?? NO! We have some regrets over the way we’ve handled certain situations, but we do know we’ve tried our best…You can educate yourself about parenting through reading and talking, and I would encourage that. Just don’t get anxious about “doing it right”. I bet you’ll make an excellent father.</p>

5

<p>The fact that your asking tells me you’ll be just fine. A self-awareness when it comes to parenting is half the battle. I didn’t read alot of books as it seems most people tend to pick the books that support their bias anyway. I guess if I had a mantra it was, “If you have low expectations for your kid, you will seldom be disappointed.” Pick your battles, and don’t sweat the small stuff, recognizing your small stuff may not be everyone else’s small stuff.</p>

<p>Read, read, read to them. Limit screen time. Spend lots of time talking. Put them in the best day care/schools you can (but do your homework and don’t just go with everyone else’s idea of “best.”). Present a united front with your spouse; don’t undermine each other. They are more nature than you want to believe. Embrace who they are.</p>

<p>Most importantly, enjoy the ride! Nothing like it.</p>

6

<p>It’s more difficult than you think, but also more rewarding than you can imagine. Be involved, don’t take a back seat. Enjoy them, accept them, appreciate them. Don’t be afraid to say, “No” or “Yes”. Don’t live through them. Siblings are all different, don’t compare them. Be consistent. They will change your life forever, in a great way. Just the fact that you started this thread makes me think you will be a great dad!</p>

<p>PS Do read to them every day when they are young, as babies, and when you stop, (second grade in my case) they will soar on their own.</p>

7

<p>This post made me chuckle because last night we were with a large group of family members. Someone spoke to my son who is just out of school and doing very well (CPA with a big 4 firm) and he apparently told someone “I could have been a delinquint.” What he meant was that, to his preception, we didn’t set rules, make demands or do a lot of active parenting. We just had a good time together and trusted him to do right. Every parent and every child is different, in my view, and you’ll have to find out what’s right for you.</p>

8

<p>It takes a “Village” to raise kids these days. You have to have family and friends around you that can be great role models. You have to have teachers and mentors that reflect your values.<br>
Do not depend on technology to babysit them because it will be a detriment and you cannot filter a lot of information that is now on the internet.<br>
It’s the best journey that you will ever take.</p>

9

<p>Raising kids is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done- no, it IS the hardest. And, unlike many challenges, parenting goes on forever. </p>

<p>Teach them manners, make them take part in routine household chores- but schedule fun and have plenty of spur of the moment fun- because good memories are what sustain families through tough times. Really laugh together.</p>

<p>Best advice, from a friend: you want to know how your kids are doing socially? Make your house a place they and their friends can congregate at- after school, for sleepovers, on snow days, etc. I’d add: be willing to be the parent who picks up other kids at games and drives them home or takes a group to the beach. It adds up.</p>

<p>And, know that kids will eventually model your behavior, good and bad. I’m amazed at how much D1 is like me; even when rebelling, she mirrors my thoughts and arguments.</p>

10

<p>punishments did not work, bribery worked greatly until about 5 years old. Spending time with the kid works perfectly, being 2 working parents worked very well, it makes kids more adjustable and accepting. What worked for academics:
When D. started kindergarten she also started on competitive sport team, which she really liked and was looking forward to practices. When she got her first tiny school assignment, she was ready to go to practice without completing it. I pointed out that she cannot do it, that school is her most important thing. She was surprized, because practices were by far more challenging than school work in Kindergarten. But she completed her first assignment before her favorite activity. After she did, I told her that if she continues doing all her homework, she will always have the best grades in every class at school. This never was repeated, never mentioned second time. D. ended up graduating #1 from her private prep. HS, never had a “B” in UG and currently is a medical student,…all was accomplished by making sure that every assignment is done to the best of her ability and on time, including the classes that were hard for her. We had great fun all along, D. continued adding more various activities and she is still envolved with some of them at Med. School, she is very outgoing, have lots of friends with very different backgrounds. But academics were always priority #1. BTW, she still holds 15 records in her sport club, nobody beat them in 13 years, she was really dedicated to her sport, but do not have time for it any more. So, the lesson here is that it is very important to support a child in her passion, but point to priorities at every step. Do not forget to have fun all along, kids are for fun, you got to enjoy spending time with them!!</p>

11

<p>What? I was supposed to go into this (or come out of it) with some sort of coherent plan or philosopy? Is “by the seat of my pants” a good answer? How about “looks fun, sounds reasonable, let’s try it!” Well, kid, you’re way ahead of me, even now that I’ve only got one left at home. </p>

<p>Couple of things that have worked well: Insist on a paying job with the kid is still in high school. Get them involved in something that teaches real humility, and then don’t let that thing be listed on a college app. I will repeat the line, never say, "My kids will never . . . " Your kids will. </p>

<p>Oh, and don’t be surprised if your kid doesn’t stick with your plan.</p>

12

<p>In my opinion, one of the most damaging outcomes of the women’s movement is the concept of quality time vs. quantity time. The most important thing that you can do is be present in their lives and have them be present in yours. This requires time and lots of it! Believe me, the everyday moments are what shape their character. You will learn much more about who they are as a person say, washing cars in the driveway, then any quality time activity. Don’t get me wrong, quality time is important, but it cannot replace quantity time. When I think back on my childhood, my fondest memories are of the most mundane parts of family life, the 40 minute commute to and from middle school with my dad, Saturday morning grocery shopping with my mom and evening dinners. This time together cemented our relationship and and made my transition from childhood to adulthood much smoother.</p>

<p>Oh, and I second the comment about “My kid will never…” Believe me, they will and you will. And one day, you will hear your mother’s or father’s voice coming out of your own mouth, even though you vowed to never be like them!</p>

13

<p>I have to add this: get along with your spouse.</p>

14

<p>Few sayings I lived by:
Little children, little problems, big children, bigger problems. (Save your sanity for the teenage years and go with the flow.)
This too shall pass…that means the best times (so take time to enjoy them) as well as the bad times to be endured.</p>

<p>Get a big journal type book and just write down funny moments and trips etc in it. You’ll treasure it forever and so will your kids. Keep it going.
Seems everybody has different parenting styles but everything in moderation seems to be a good rule from being too strict or too lenient to deciding curfews and the amount of candy they can eat at Halloween.
Take family time seriously. Eat dinners together at the dining table daily. Don’t substitute TV watching for talking to each other. Dinner may be the only time everyone is there. Don’t let meal time together get swallowed up in other activities (sports, clubs). Hard to do but it cements the family.
Kids grow so fast and it seemed everytime I figured out one stage they were out of it and into some new unexplored territory. It’s hard to keep up!
Peer groups are important at any age–keep track of your kid’s friends (and sometimes parents).
Someone told me this when I had my kids–Take them with you immediately when you go out. Learn how to do it so you don’t feel trapped in a house hoping for a babysitter. With all the paraphrenalia these days it doesn’t seem worth it. It gets easier.<br>
Teach your kids proper behavior in public (restaurants, malls)–you, them, and everyone else will be happier.</p>

15

<p>Do not fall for the temptation of easy short-term solutions to discipline problems (i.e. bribing, being inconsistent and backing down) because it will make your life much harder in the long run. </p>

<p>Have realistic expectations of what your kid can do at a given age/stage of development.</p>

<p>Avoid comparison to other peoples’ families and have your own standards in matters of conduct and morality. Kids learn from watching you. Do not be a “cool” parent.</p>

<p>Remember, “it’s not about you.” Your children are separate beings from you and they are not here to justify your life or make your decisions worthwhile.</p>

16

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<p>A colleague of mine adds “like kidney stone” to that one.</p>

17

<p>Kids learn better from your example than what you say. If you always fasten your seat belt in the car and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, so will they. If you tell them to do these things but don’t do them yourselves, it has much less impact.</p>

<p>Don’t make threats you would not be willing to carry out. (My four-year-old son saw a frustrated mom in a grocery store say to her child, “If you don’t stop dawdling, I’m going to leave without you.” He turned to me, adopted That Voice, and said, “She’s not going to do that.”)</p>

<p>The most difficult stages (for me): (1) when either of them was a toddler; toddlers have more mobility than sense, and you spend most of the time preventing them from killing themselves; (2) when one was a preschooler and the other was an infant; it was difficult to meet the needs of two such different creatures.</p>

<p>The most fun stages: (1) late elementary school and middle school, when they were interested in going to places like amusement parks and museums, and I could share those adventures with them; (2) oddly, when they were in college; it was interesting seeing them grow into young adults, and I enjoyed the times when they were home more because they were gone some of the time.</p>

18

<p>Very sage words all above me…so I will just add…</p>

<p>Travel with your children as much as you can. We traveled vs spending those funds on private education. We were able to do this because we had an excellent public school option. So I guess that boils down to public school quality trumps “location, location, location”, the tyical real estate motto. Our neighbors travel extensively with their children (late elementary, middle school age) and they have already hit 41 of the 50 states. Their goal is all 50 states and then abroad. We have not done all 50 states, but have done a great many and we will start going abroad when our youngest (9) turns 11 or 12.</p>

<p>Don’t underestimate the stress caused by peer pressures and typical teenage things. If your kids are asking for a specific pair of jeans, they probably feel the pressure to fit into the norm. I am all about preaching individuality, but if my kid is in class looking at the butt of all the girls that have the jeans she doesn’t and is not tuned into her teacher, that is a problem. Bottom line, if you can afford a few extras here and there, let your kids have them. Happy, socially adjusted kids do better in school and no matter how “dumb” we think having “those” jeans are, it is not dumb to them.</p>

<p>Listen to your children. Listen to your children. Listen to your children. Between the lines of life, they are telling you they need something. Don’t brush off bad days and issues with “life is not fair.” </p>

<p>Keep communication open. Always. Your children should feel that they can call you when ever they are in trouble no matter what poor choice led them there. That means don’t judge them. Guide them, discipline them, but don’t judge them. My kids know if they make a poor choice and dig themselves into a hole, the quickest way out is a call to a parent. They also know that lying about that choice will only dig the hole deeper and their problems will just get bigger. In my home, my older ones always say “don’t lie to mom, it’s not worth it. She will find out. She has a radar for that stuff. Trust us. We know.” But my kids also know, no matter how big the mistake. My love is strong, steady and forever. And usually their mistakes hurt them much more than they hurt you. Although seeing your child hurting is a pain greater than any pain you can have.</p>

<p>Build strong family traditions. We have always purchased or made Christmas Ornament for all of our children since they were born. Cousins also “exchange” ornaments at holiday time. What has this done? Created a wonderful tree filled with memoires that we talk about every year. When each child leaves the nest, I wrap their ornanments up and give them as a gift that Christmas. This way they have a start for their own tree and the their own traditions. Don’t forget to buy some for yourself along the way (on all those trips you are going to take) Nothing worse than an empty nest and an empty tree…lol.</p>

<p>When your kids are 20, it is the handmade gifts that will mean the most. That handprint art, that goofy snowman at Christmas time, that glitter covered flower pot. These stand the test of time.</p>

<p>Bake with your young children. Not only will you be spending time with them, you will teach them a skill lost in all the red and blue boxes on the grocery store shelf. They will also learn fractions years before their peers and better yet, they will understand the concept. The older I get, my main memory recall comes from the time in the kitchen, not the soccer field or the football field.</p>

<p>If you can’t afford the crazy expensive private preschool, don’t fret. We have some that went private pre-school, some who didn’t. It depended on what life dealt at that time in our lives. Kids catch up. Parent have the ability to teach through everyday life. Just make sure they are being read too. The library is free. There are no excuses on that one. Reading is completely the key to school success.</p>

19

<p>We read to them every day.</p>

<p>When they were little, we set schedule routines and pretty much stuck to them. </p>

<p>We made a point to set the table and have real family dinners 5 or 6 nights a week. (1 night we’d eat out, and the other night might have been chaos.)</p>

<p>When they got to be teens, we kept them informed of family “stuff” and let them participate in decisions. We didn’t have a “because I said so” mentality from, say, middle school on. </p>

<p>We kept them involved in sports under the philosophy of “a healthy body supports a healthy mind.” </p>

<p>We were very, very picky about day care. In fact, I credit their excellent day care providers in helping them turn out pretty good. :)</p>

20

<p>From lookingforward:

</p>

<p>I was waiting for someone to say that! Not only get along, but share the tasks of child rearing equally. You don’t want to be the “fun” parent while the other one is the mean one, imposing discipline and making people go to bed at a reasonable hour. </p>

<p>When you find someone you want to have kids with, have some very clear-eyed discussions about who will do what in your relationship. Who will get up with the sick child at 2 am despite the fact they have to get up 4 hours later to go to work? Who will make dinner? Who will buy the groceries for said dinner? Who will clean up? None of this seems to relate to raising a family, but if one person bears the burden of all the mundane, non-fun stuff that still has to get done, they will not be the best parent (or spouse). </p>

<p>If I’d known what I know now about how hard it is to raise decent human beings when both parents work, I would have stopped at one child or reconsidered even having children. It’s easy to get sucked into the fantasy that this will be so rewarding and wonderful, when the reality is this – it’s a tough job that takes every available second of what used to be your own personal free time. Yes, they bring immense pleasure and emotional rewards, and I love both of my children, but think long and hard about the reality before you start on this journey. </p>

<p>IME, when both parents work full time, it is very hard to have the ideal child rearing environment.</p>