<p>Read to your babies, and keep reading to them until they can read on their own. </p>
<p>Keep telling them you love them, even when they become surly teenagers who cringe when you come near them.</p>
<p>Help them organize and complete their homework from the beginning. Don’t think the teachers are adequately monitoring your child’s work. Don’t be reassured by standardized test scores, organization is everything when they hit high school. If they falter in their grades, don’t yell-hire tutors.</p>
<p>I believe that keeping in prospective that you have decided to have a kid for yourself, to fullfill your own life. Sometime people forget about the fact that they decided to have a child to have fun and enjoyment, yes, it is about you, parent, kids did have a chance to ask to be born, it was your decision, might as well have the best experience raising them.</p>
<p>The most important thing we did was instill a love of reading. The house is full of books and we read to the kids every day long after they could read to themselves. </p>
<p>The second thing we did was encourage their interests. Our older son learned all about anatomy when he was in pre-school, then got interested in trains, then electronics and finally got the computer programming bug. When he complained about math in the school we found ways to either get him accelerated or to get enrichment at home. </p>
<p>We did make them try different sports, though I regret for the oldest nothing stuck. The youngest is now taking a martial arts class in college.</p>
<p>We had sit down dinner every day. </p>
<p>I tried to meet their emotional needs and became as educated as I could about child psychology. Can’t say I always succeeded!</p>
<p>We taught them to be frugal and to value experiences as much as things.</p>
<p>We had very good luck by planning ahead on 2 items so we didn’t appear to be unfairly changing the house rules:
Never saying to him he couldn’t do something “until he was 18”. An example is- “you cannot get a tattoo until you’re 18”. Parents know the phrase. Using this, would have given him license to do most anything once he turned 18, or else we’d look like liars telling him not until 18, but then still saying no, even at 18. Instead, we always used the phrase- “when you’re a self-supporting adult”.</p>
<p>2) Guests are never entertained behind closed doors. When S was 5, 10, or so, no closed doors with his buddies. Then when S was 16, 17, 18, and had a female guest, there were no closed doors and most importantly no house rules had suddenly changed on him. We even pointed out that we(parents) did not entertain behind closed doors either, a perspective he realized was true but had never thought about until we pointed it out.</p>
<p>great advice here. Respect them, I’d say, right from the beginning. Their needs and thoughts and interests are important, and if you show them that, you will see them respect you and others in kind. As Marian says, they will learn mostly by imitation, so do what you’d like to see them do. (Including-- living your own life with courage and pleasure, admitting your faults and letting them see you work at improving.) And-- enjoy them. Let them see that your time with them is a joy for you.</p>
<p>Totally agree with the idea above that you sometimes have to spend a little extra on things for them- not constant indulgences, not a Blackberry in middle school and Abercrombie all the time, but occasional treat they will value. </p>
<p>OTOH, one of the things we laugh about today: when they were little, as an occasional “carrot,” I used to give them each $2 and take them to the dollar store. They thought this was the biggest and most amazing treat. And, what they saw as spending, I saw as some sort of decision-making experience.</p>
<p>That united parental front is really important. Don’t argue about kids in front of the kids.
“Divide and conquer” is the motto of kids starting at about age 2.</p>
<p>Lots of great advice so far … I’d like to add one thought …</p>
<p>Parent of 3 … when we were expecting the first Mom3ToGo and I talked about being consistent with all our kids and having the same rules for all … then we had kids. Each kid is unique and while we certainly have maintained consistent philosophies about parenting across kids decisions we make for each kid in each unique situation have often varied. One example, the incredibly mature and trustworthy kid has been allowed more freedom at a younger age as s/he has shown they can handle the freedom. In essence love (and parent) the kid on your couch!</p>
<p>Model respect: really listen to what your children are saying and do not disparage it.
Model kindness: be kind to your children and your spouse
Model honesty
Model humility and accountability: admit it and apologize when you have made a mistake (you will make many)
Model love: make sure they know that when they have disappointed or angered you by an action, your love is as firm and constant as ever.
Model learning and curiosity
Model problem solving.
Have few absolutes, but stick to them. Ours were: honesty (lying about a misdeed was always a greater infraction than any misdeed), trust (very hard to regain when it is lost; so value it and nurture it), kindness and compassion. I am sure there were others!</p>
<p>Read, read, read. Talk with them, not just to them. Take the time to watch an ant hill, the clouds, the way water runs down the sidewalk.</p>
<p>About getting along with your spouse: you want to model a successful adult relationship, as best you can. Sometimes it’s about affection, other times it’s about respect or concern- as well as how to disagree or compromise. That frames their future expectations from their own close relationships. Same thing for how you interact with your own parents and close friends.</p>
<ol>
<li> Love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.</li>
<li> There are only a very few mistakes you can make that can’t be reversed. Relax and enjoy the experience.</li>
</ol>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree about not arguing about the kids in front of them, but I believe it is not only healthy but necessary to argue in front of your kids. I don’t mean knock down, drag out fights, but everyday disagreements that need to be hammered out. Kids need to learn that it is OK to argue and that people can disagree about some things, but still love each other very much. I will never forget the day my early elementary school aged son witnessed his dad and I arguing about something and asked us if we were getting a divorce. We were both dumbfounded! We had made it a point to not argue in front of the kids, so we were shocked when he asked this. It was a great learning experience for all of us. We learned that we needed to be honest in our relationship with our kids and arguing is a part of healthy relationships. We were able to teach our kids how to fight fair, so to speak and they learned that disagreeing isn’t the end of the world. They learned how to negotiate for the outcome they wanted and to accept the fact that sometimes they would not get it. They learned that sometimes something that seems silly to them is very important to someone else. They learned that being right is not always the best outcome. They learned that compromise is inevitable and that sometimes “Because I said so” was the best answer they were going to get out of me.</p>
<p>Before you have kids, try to “get on the same page” with your spouse as to how you will raise/discipline your child. When spouses have very, very different parenting styles (one strict, one lenient) it can cause a bunch of trouble and confusion. </p>
<p>In the “old days” young people were often raised around other little ones so they had some “hands on” experience before having kids of their own. Nowadays, many new parents have had no prior experience with babies or little ones. </p>
<p>If one or both of the parents has had little “hands one” experience with little kids, then I think a parenting class will be very helpful. </p>
<p>And, if later you find one of the spouses is short-tempered, impatient, and/or has unrealistic expectations for the age of the child, seek professional help ASAP. Such behaviors can be very harmful to a child.</p>
<p>I know there are other ways of thinking on this:</p>
<p>We did not link an allowance to chores. Our stated philosophy was, we share our resources with you because you are part of the family; you have responsibilities (chores)and help out because you are part of the family.</p>
<p>The one time that our son asked if I would pay him to do a requested task, I asked him if he was going to pay me for cooking dinner. Once and done.</p>
<p>When dh and I did disagree about something, we decided whoever “cares most” wins. The only example I can think of right now was my strong feeling that the kids play sports. I didn’t care what they played, but I wanted them out and active every spring and every fall. My dh was raised in a really sheltered family and didn’t really see the value of sports, but I “cared more” so I “won.” Looking back, I think dh would say it was the right choice. Some of our best memories and friendships were forged on the sidelines and lunches out with the team.</p>
<p>ETA: We treated allowance just like mafool did.</p>
<p>Yep. What NJSue said. Have high standards for morals and behavior and don’t back down. Your kids will resist your discipline; it’s their job. But it’s your job to let your no mean no and your yes mean yes.</p>
<p>Don’t look for your child to be a prodigy. (“Oh, he stared at the violin! He must be musically gifted!”) Work on character first and provide a secure environment, and your child’s abilities will show themselves. </p>
<p>Tell the truth. </p>
<p>DON’T have a plan. Have a code of conduct for youself and stick to it, and your child will absorb your values.</p>
<p>Don’t own too many parenting books. Use your gut.</p>
<p>Put your spouse first. Your kids will thrive knowing their parents’ marriage is the primary relationship in the family and that it is solid.</p>
<p>Forgive yourself when your kids do something foolish or wrong (and they will.) It really isn’t about you!</p>
<p>Be flexible - my son, at about age 5, said he wanted a strawberry sandwich. No, of course not, I said. He asked why not, and I agreed. It was his fave food for years. </p>
<p>Write down the wonderful things your kid says and does, but not in a lovely coffee-table book - online where it’s easier to maintain, see, and share.</p>
<p>Even if your child is Mr. Academic, make him do mundane things like take out the trash and set the table. Don’t let him think the world revolves around him (even if it does!).</p>
<p>Watching TV is a great family activity if you watch pausable stuff and have frequent discussions about choices, science, and history topics the shows bring up! </p>
<p>Don’t feel that you need to fill all blank spots with activities. Have time to just be. Talk during a commute instead of listening to music. </p>
<p>Spend time with your children - what everyone else said. Chores, watching TV and documentaries and movies “actively”, museums, driving, going to the park, baking cookies. Talk about your own work, don’t just ask your child about his day. </p>
<p>Forgive yourself and forgive your child. Love yourself and love your child.</p>
<p>Legend - Do you really love your kids? Is it your priority to raise them to be happy and successful adults? If the answer to both questions is “Absolutely!” then the rest is relatively easy. There will be traumatic moments along the way, but as others have said, there’s no other trip like it.</p>