<p>In my experience, having both parents work full time can work out well if</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You can afford full-time, live-in help, and you’re pleased enough with your employee(s) that you are comfortable having your children spend a great deal of time with them; or</p></li>
<li><p>There are grandparents or other relatives nearby who are willing and able to take up some of the slack; or</p></li>
<li><p>At least one of you has a type of work with more than the usual amount of flexibility (for example, a telecommuting job with flexible hours, or employment in a family business).</p></li>
</ol>
<p>If none of these situations applies, things seem to work out better if one parent only works part-time (and/or does not work at all during some stages of the childrearing process). This involves financial sacrifices for the family, as well as career sacrifices for the parent who puts work on the back burner for a while. But for my family, at least, it was worth it.</p>
<p>Ironically, even though I did not work full time while raising my kids, both my husband and I grew up in families where both parents worked full time. But in the family I grew up in, we had situation #2, and in the family he grew up in, they had situation #3. We had neither (and not enough money for #1).</p>
<p>Great comments, both the funny and the serious. I have a lot of suggestions, but sometimes you have to feel your own way. I would recommend that you read a book called “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough”. It’s a good book for new parents.</p>
<p>Be on your child’s side in life as it’s very easy to fall into an adversarial relationship when going through a difficult phase in a child’s life. I would remind myself that we’re on the same side and, low and behold, new answers would come as to how to handle the issue. This worked from the toddler through the teens years.</p>
<p>Now we are both adults and our relationship is changing in many ways but I still think of myself as always being on my kid’s side.</p>
<p>Don’t be afraid to seek help when you’re at a cross roads with your kids. Don’t know what to do, how to handle something, feeling down, whatever. It’s always amazed me how much support there is and good advice if you only ask for it. Everyone (obviously) has an opinion (up to you to choose which one works). It’s not like you’re the only one who’s had kids!
And it ALWAYS feels as new parents that you are the ONLY ones to have EVER had kids and ALL these SPECIAL problems. Reality check: go ask Grandma!</p>
<p>Let the kids make mistakes without interference on your part (at least those mistakes that will not cause injury). Turn these incidences into opportunities for them - and you! - to learn how to make better decisions.</p>
<p>^ good point. For example, don’t buy a second balloon. Give a little child a balloon, but don’t surprise or ambush them: tell them balloons want to escape, and they must hold on. Remind them once to hold on tightly. Then, as you watch the inevitable sailing away of the balloon, tell them you understand they’re upset, and give them a hug. But don’t buy a replacement balloon. It’s an amazingly strong lesson about the effect of behavior on consequences.</p>
<p>And as far as babies go, do not listen to the folks that tell you not to pick up a crying baby. Babies cry because they need your attention. You cannot spoil a newborn!</p>
<p>Fishymom—(this is an aside)–my D (not new newborn) cried for 5 minutes (just about to the second) before she would fall asleep. If you picked her up the 5 minutes would start over (and go on for hours). We got a timer, set it for 5 minutes (which seems SO long when crying) so we would know how long it had been and make sure it wasn’t some other reason. Sure enough 5 minutes…sound asleep.
I recommend a timer for new parents–crying can drive you nuts and the timer helps you keep some things in perpective. (As in–THIS KID HAS BEEN CRYING FOR HOURS (yeah, 10 minutes is hours in parent anxiety.)</p>
<p>I never spanked. There are other ways to discipline a child. If I am telling my kid not to hit anyone or violence solves nothing, spanking undoes all of that.</p>
<p>*Quote:
IME, when both parents work full time, it is very hard to have the ideal child rearing environment.</p>
<p>===================================</p>
<p>In my experience, having both parents work full time can work out well if</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You can afford full-time, live-in help, and you’re pleased enough with your employee(s) that you are comfortable having your children spend a great deal of time with them; or</p></li>
<li><p>There are grandparents or other relatives nearby who are willing and able to take up some of the slack; or</p></li>
<li><p>At least one of you has a type of work with more than the usual amount of flexibility (for example, a telecommuting job with flexible hours, or employment in a family business).</p></li>
</ol>
<p>If none of these situations applies, things seem to work out better if one parent only works part-time (and/or does not work at all during some stages of the childrearing process).
*</p>
<p>I agree. When neither has a flexible job, and/or both have to travel often, it can be a nightmare without some kind of 3rd party support system (grandparents, live in help, etc). </p>
<p>That said, when one parent has the “flexible job” it can sometimes be rather unfair how that all plays out. The same if one parent has to travel a lot…the other working parent can feel really put-upon especially when hearing about the great dinners, etc, the traveling spouse is experiencing while you’re trying to get dinner on the table after a long days work.</p>
<p>Yes…so be prepared to answer questions in an appropriate way. If your child asks if you can take them to the park “next Sunday”, instead of quickly saying “yes,” tell them that you have to check the calendar to make sure that there isn’t another commitment or tell them that you can’t make that decision until it’s closer to Sunday. </p>
<p>Also…it isn’t a good idea to tell your kids stories that will threaten your “moral authority”. If you were 'stupid college kid" that drank and drove, don’t tell your kids that. If you used to “hitch hike” don’t tell your kids that.</p>
<p>For me, I was always a believer in “this too shall pass” and to that end, I always tried to never miss the chance to offer a compliment or a kind word and to always consider whether something negative actually had to be said. I always let my kids know how much I love them and wanted them. It makes me slightly nuts to hear parents jokingly wish their kids away. I never did or would do that because it goes against everything I aspire to be as a parent and as a person. I always try to be respectful in my criticism, but honest, because the compliments don’t mean anything unless the kids know that you will always tell them the truth. My personal life philosophy is gratitude in all things and, since my kids are the core of my life, I am always grateful for and with them.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the thread, but I’ll answer and hopefully it won’t be redundant. I raised four kids, two of whom are full-fledged, financially independent adults, one a senior in college, one a senior in high school.</p>
<p>What I learned: That parent love is like no other kind of love and that I was capable of juggling more than I thought. I learned that no two kids are the same, that what works for one will not necessarily work for another. </p>
<p>What I would have done differently: I would have been more relaxed with my oldest when he was younger, a bit less relaxed when he was in his teens. I would have sweated the small stuff less. I would have gone to the beautiful park near me in the hills more. I go all the time for walks with my youngest now and wonder how I missed taking all the kids there all the time when they were younger. How was I so frazzled that I missed that? I mean, I know how I was so frazzled, but I wish I’d just said, “Everyone in the car, we’re going for a hike and a picnic and homework will either get done or it won’t.” I probably yelled more than I should have, but when I see home videos I am so surprised by how easygoing I seem to myself, so I don’t know.</p>
<p>What worked: We read a lot to our kids, it paid off; we talked a lot with our kids, it paid off; we listened to our kids, it paid off; we set limits and followed through, it paid off; we were involved in their education, it paid off. </p>
<p>How did things turn out: Pretty well. Kids went to great colleges and oldest two have found gainful employment in fields that they really enjoy. They are independent and contributing members of society. Neither is married and I feel like how they do in a long-term relationship will be a big reveal of how things turned out. Third son is applying to med school and feels he has found his passion. Youngest is a wonderful person. They are all nice human beings, they get along well with each other, with us and with others, so I feel I can’t complain.</p>
<p>How did I change as a person: Becoming a parent if a transforming, defining experience. It changes you completely. It changes your priorities, your politics, your passions, your relationships, your very identity. So all of that. </p>
<p>Most difficult times: When one child had a rough adjustment to being away from home at college. That was really rough for me. Also, when one child developed a serious chronic illness. That rocked my world. </p>
<p>Most fun: Wow, that could go on for a while. Where to start? The first time they smile, followed by when they laugh. First steps, first waves, first words, the millions of cute things they say as preschoolers. All the programs at school where they stand on a stage to sing and wave at you before they are too old to be embarrassed to do so. All the great moments that happen in family life. Every family has their stories and all the “remember the times” that never cease to make us laugh. Going to a million youth soccer /softball/baseball games and all the fun, not only of watching your own kid score, but getting the team spirit and hanging with the other parents and all of life coming to a standstill as the only thing that matters in that moment is what happens in overtime. All the pleasure of a house filled with teens, mine and others, who are so fun to be around.</p>
<p>By far, being a parent is the best thing I have done in life and everything else pales in comparison.</p>
<p>The seeds of success are planted early - the first 2 1/2 years of life, while the brain is forming, are critical.</p>
<p>Talk to your babies whenever they are awake. Sound becomes associated with words, words with language, language with ideas. The more these associations are reinforced, the more agile the mind will be when it is time to explore the world. The number of words an infant hears each day has a very high correlation with academic performance and SAT scores.</p>
<p>Walk, run, jump, wrestle, climb, bounce, and tumble. Spend time outside, in nature. They will learn to get pleasure and reward from physical activity. Balance, strength and agility will serve them for a lifetime. </p>
<p>Fill your house with art, music, singing and dancing. Everything God made has a natural rhythm, a resonant point, including us. Why do some build a life that denies this? </p>
<p>Love and respect your spouse. There is no second best option for this.</p>
<p>Relax and enjoy. The fact that you have even thought about this before having kids puts you way ahead of the game. Pretty much any parenting method works (even the spankers) in the end so we can all claim our successes.</p>
<p>This is by far my biggest point on my mind.</p>
<p>I feel like the earliest years are the most formative, and yet they are the times when parents are the least experienced by definition (I worry about making huge mistakes of opportunity cost in this time period). I always wonder how I’d properly stimulate a child’s mind to be healthy, happy, and strong because those early stages have the largest impacts on the fundamental foundations. It seems like, logically, the answer lies in exposing your child to a wide range of activities, getting them to explore their curiosity, and maintaining a loving, fun, trusting relationship overall – as you showed with your examples.</p>
<p>A huge hero of mine, Neil deGrasse Tyson, a famous astrophysicist, [offered</a> similar advice](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQENHCkiMBU"]offered”>www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQENHCkiMBU): “Get out of their way,” as a way to give children variety and allow for natural childhood experiments run their course so that they can learn how things work, instead of sweating the small stuff.</p>
<p>Another hero of mine, Richard Feynman, [spoke</a> similarly](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=695Flhmjmg4"]spoke”>www.youtube.com/watch?v=695Flhmjmg4) had a father with a comparable approach – lots of reading, stimulating imagination, going on walks in nature, etc. “No pressure, just lots of interesting discussion.”</p>