<p>MuchAdo brings up an interesting point here, and I don’t want it to be overlooked.</p>
<p>What do you think?</p>
<p>I know that I value having a sibling, as does my husband, and my two kids added much to each other’s lives as children, and I hope they will do so again (although as young adults, they have little contact or interest in each other).</p>
<p>On the other hand, I know several sets of parents who are heavily committed to careers or other responsibilities and who have made the decision that one child is enough because they would be spreading themselves too thin if they had a second one. It’s hard to argue with that.</p>
<p>Earn a high salary; move to a wealthy community; buy a very expensive car with the best safety features; join the best, most exclusive clubs; hire the most highly qualified tutors, trainers, and coaches; graduate from an elite university and become an active and generous alumnus;and, obviously, save enough money to ensure that your child can apply to college as a full pay. </p>
<p>Success breeds success.</p>
<p>Oh, and tell them to be kind to the others.</p>
<p>–focused on character and integrity
–allowed them to be kids rather than mini adults
–dinner together at the table (unless sport’s schedules conflicted).<br>
–humor—humor—humor—humor…
–taught them that everything is a learning experience–failures and successes
–teamwork
–If you lie to us and we find out, you’ll be in more trouble than had you told us the truth in the beginning
–2 parents in the household with a wonderful set of grandparents within a 10 minute drive.
–participation in sports since the age of 5 (two boys)
–lead, don’t follow. Speak up–words are powerful.
–tried to model good behavior so some of it would naturally rub off (without it having to be lectured to them).
–read, listen, watch the news everyday
–trust your gut feelings
–do your best and never underestimate your abilities.
–respect yourself and others
–made them work summer jobs throughout high school.
–made it known to them through our actions and our words that they are loved.</p>
<p>Now that they’re adults and almost finished with college, my new philosophy shared with them is:</p>
<p>Don’t worry, be happy. Find joy in each day. Don’t sweat the small stuff. </p>
<p>In short, we feel that our main focus as parents is to raise our sons to be good men. If we’ve succeeded in that, the rest of their lives will fall into place.</p>
<p>*Quote:
The best gift you can give a child is a sibling</p>
<p>=============================
MuchAdo brings up an interesting point here, and I don’t want it to be overlooked.</p>
<p>What do you think?*</p>
<p>Well, certainly having a sibling is a gift…a wonderful gift. However, not everyone has to give the same gift if it won’t work for their family…and some can only get pregnant one time anyway.</p>
Since Marian asked what we think about MuchAdo’s statement - I can’t agree that a sibling is the greatest gift parents can give a child. Being an only child does not necessarily lead to self-centeredness. There are many reasons parents might have one child - secondary infertility, the desire to afford the first child an excellent education, concerns about genetic disease, lack of money for adoption, etc. I wouldn’t make assumptions about family values based on family size, whatever that size might be. I have several friends with only children who certainly differ from the stereotype of the indulged child who sees himself as the center of the universe. </p>
<p>We decided to have another child because we didn´t want D1 to be the only person making decisions about us when we get old someday (a bit of hedging, if you know what I mean). My father was the only child, we watched him struggled with taking care of our grandparents, there was no one for him to consult with. I have 3 other siblings, it is nice to have them around when we are dealing with my parents.</p>
<p>Siblings are a mix. The singletons in my area have done very well, with parents who have forged tight bonds with other families, and sometimes have extended family very involved, so closer to adults, and certainly better at communicating with older generations. They have perhaps had more privileged lives, more travel, as those advantages are expensive, and are closer to their parents. I’m glad my kids had sibs, as am I, but there are advantages both ways. </p>
<p>I’m divorced, and wouldn’t say I picked the wrong person, as I think many divorces are caused by unhealthy relationship patterns, that the participants are unable or unwilling to change and look at. You don’t know the patterns that come from family of origin till you have your own family, in many cases. Yes, there are hints, but we all overlook a few things about future spouses when in new love. Divorce certainly stressed me out, stressed them out, changing houses every week, and made my kids grow up in a far more economically, and perhaps psychologically lean environment than otherwise. </p>
<p>On the other hand, my kids are more flexible, perhaps harder working in terms of day to day functioning, and certainly were given more responsibility at an early age than some of their peers. Hard to know how it will all turn out, and sometimes hardships turn into strengths.</p>
<p>You don’t have to have a great spouse, perfect fellow parent, siblings, dog, or nearby grandparents, be a stay-at-home, etc.</p>
<p>You have to love them, respect them, commit the energy to the activities that ground them and those that teach them curiosity, peristence and the ability to rebound, successfully model the behaviors you value…and more. It’s all been said, I know. You just have to nurture them as best you can. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to change, as the years go by. You can be their “friend” once in a while, to model joie de vivre. You can fail at certain things, especially in hard times. You can even yell, once in a while.</p>
<p>IMO, what matters is the “on balance” calculation. I’d look back, every few months and see what worked, what didn’t, what I was going to stick with because it was my determined value(s) as a parent and what I’d eliminate. There are absolutes in life and plenty of grey areas, too. </p>
<p>For me, the most moving moments in life today are when my kids voluntarily acknowledge something we did right, despite the thousand things they could have latched onto that we did wrong. I have to credit us for giving them that perspective and resiliance. D1, my rebel, tells friends she wants me to help raise her kids. </p>
<p>It’s a wonderful thread, a celebration of our roles as parents.</p>
<p>I think I’d have to say it depends on the sibling. As an only child, I always wanted a sibling and gave each of my kids three siblings. But as a therapist, I have seen a lot of heartbreak and pain generated by siblings. I’ve seen adults who seem to be a lot worse off because of a sibling and who get nothing but pain and aggravation from a sibling. Every family decision that must be made becomes a nightmare, the sibling is constantly breaking the parent’s heart, etc. I’ve also known people who were seriously abused by a sibling, etc. I’m not sure that it’s always a gift.</p>
<p>Yes, but I think those are more the exception than the rule. There are some parents who are abusive, but it’s still a blessing to have good parents.</p>
<p>That said, if there is any abusing going on between siblings, then shame on the parents for allowing that. They’re just as guilty!!!</p>
You should have called me. I would have given you one of mine.</p>
<p>Seriously, though, I believe that all one really needs is love, acceptance and maturity to be a good parent because one never knows what each day will bring and if you have those three things, the details can be arranged.</p>
<p>We just weren’t good about establishing “rules”. If we tried it usually was us (the parents) who broke them first. I dunno. I think our kids just picked up on common sense stuff like don’t throw knives or steal matches or run outside without your pants. We did get mad at them. Show me a parent who has raised a kid to young adult hood and claims they never got knock down angry and I will show you a flat out liar. </p>
<p>Here’s one thing we did that a lot of families do and I guess it was good but it was also the scene of many a big argument – nightly family dinner. No matter how late any of us would be we just would wait until we all broke bread together. Also usually at least one family weekend breakfast. It was a conscious thing, It’s just what felt right to all of us.</p>
<p>Some things I know we did wrong. I should have probably insisted my kids stay with their musical instruments. When they lost interest I just let them move on to other stuff and I regret that.</p>
<p>*Some things I know we did wrong. I should have probably insisted my kids stay with their musical instruments. When they lost interest I just let them move on to other stuff and I regret that. *</p>
<p>I have mixed feelings about this. If kids really don’t like it, why make them do it? It seems like it would just cause a bunch of unneeded stress ( I guess I’ve heard too many parents yelling at their kids to get back to practicing …lol).</p>
<p>My best friend’s hubby still has hard feelings about being made to practice an instrument he hated.</p>
<p>Well, I did the insisting on musical instrument thing and it is one of the things I would do differently. It was with my oldest (where most mistakes get made) and he started piano in late spring when he was six. I was very pregnant with my third. Where I found this music teacher I don’t know, but she was the type who wanted brilliant musical prodigies which my son was not. She wasn’t friendly or nice and was hard on him. He wanted to quit. I said he had to give it three months because we don’t quit in life, etc. Boy, was I clueless back in the day. </p>
<p>Fast forward and the baby is born and DS is struggling with being upstaged for the second time. She shows up for a lesson just days after the baby is born and he’s at the bench swinging his legs and not really paying close enough attention. In front of him she announces to me that he has anger issues and I should get him into counseling. At which point I asked her to step outside with me where I fired her on the spot. That was the end of forcing anyone to do an instrument. But it’s all good. Kid number four actually turned out to be a musical prodigy type, found a nice piano teacher and has had many happy years playing.</p>
<p>You don’t have to have a … perfect fellow parent</p>
<p>well, no one is a perfect parent…not even close. </p>
<p>I don’t think that was anyone’s point. I think people were talking about situations where the other parent’s actions/feelings/expectations/words, etc are detrimental to the children. One “poor” parent (some would say especially the same-sex parent) can have seriously negative affects on a child’s self-esteem, confidence and sense of security. A parent with anger issues, narcissistic issues, selfish needs/behaviors, etc is going to cause havoc in a household and with children.</p>