<p>No one has mentioned this:</p>
<p>The single most important decision you will make in your children’s life is who their other parent will be. All other decisions pale in comparison to this. Pick someone mature and kind, who shares your values, and who wants kids as badly as you do. If you do this well, everything else you do is secondary. If you do it poorly, 18 years of perfect parenting choices can never make up for your mistake.</p>
<p>Excellent point, Hanna. But I’ve recently become aware of the fact that 18 years (more, even) of perfect parenting choices, or unselfish choices motivated by love and undertaken with a keen desire for the child’s success and happiness, can result in serious disappointment. An extended family member’s 23 y-o son has been arrested again for felony drug possession. I know his parents well, and he could not have asked for more devoted, loving, hardworking parents. My heart is breaking for them. </p>
<p>I can’t think of much to add to this thread, although I spent the first two decades of my motherhood constantly asking myself, “Is this right? Is this right? What’s the best way to raise these kids?” I agree about the reading. We read aloud by the hour, persevering through the full run of “Little House on the Prairie” books three times. (I cannot tell you how I grew to loathe Ma Ingalls.)</p>
<p>Other than that, we did what felt right at the time. No physical punishment, but more yelling than I like to remember. No scheduling, which turned out to be unnecessary since they’re three very self-scheduled, self-regulating kids. We tried hard to be good parents, but know many other people who tried as hard and had kids who were just more challenging to deal with.</p>
<p>Know your kid. Know each of them. I say this cause some advice that sounds so wonderful and true and everyone you know does it and they have wonderful kids may not work for your kid. Your not a failure, you just picked the wrong method. Do what works for you.</p>
<p>Hanna is right. There is lots of great advice on this thread, but for a 25 year old, Hanna’s point is front and center. Choose your life partner wisely, both for your sake and for your children’s.</p>
<p>“I’ve been reading all the messages and while there are tons of good suggestions, I think it’s natural to associate the young adults who grew into very successful young adults to what we did while parenting them.
In reality, like someone else pointed out, we never know how things are going to turn out no matter what we do.”</p>
<p>Yep. And even many years later things can turn around and bite you in the back-side. The kid who seemed so settled can melt down, the wild one can get his MBA, the healthy one can need extra help, the creative one can get stuck.<br>
If you think parenting ends at 18, think again.</p>
<p>Oh yes, as said above, Pick your life partner well !!!</p>
<p>I disagree with Hanna. Obviously, for your own sake and those of your children, having a good marriage is a truly wonderful thing. But when Hanna says:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>She’s just plain wrong. I 'm divorced. I know lots of divorced moms. When asked what wrong with our marriages, most of us say “I picked the wrong person.” We did. Our kids are just fine, though, thank you very much. I even know people with two lousy parents who grew up with grandparents or aunts and uncles who stepped in and did the job.</p>
<p>Is it EASIER with two parents who love each other? Of course it is! However, the idea that the kids are doomed if the marriage isn’t great is silly.</p>
<p>I think Hanna is talking “best case scenario” and the point is good. </p>
<p>However, certainly divorced parents, never-married parents can still raise great kids…however, the challenge might be greater. Besides, sometimes the “ex” is still a great parent, even if he/she isn’t a great spouse.</p>
<p>I do think that when the other spouse is immature, lacks discernment/wisdom, maybe didn’t really want kids, etc, that situation can play havoc on child-rearing.</p>
<p>I don’t know how we did as parents relative to other people, or how our kids are ultimately going to turn out someday. </p>
<p>I think what we have done right with our kids is that they know we are always in their corner and they are our top priority. They have seen us gone to bat for them time and time again. When we had to have a “tough conversation” with them, it wasn’t so tough because they knew it was because we cared.</p>
<p>What I do differently is probably not have been as nervous or uptight (especially with D1), just be little bit more relaxed and enjoyed them more. I was always so nervous about not doing the right by them.</p>
<p>I was never sure if I wanted to be a parent when I was younger, but I have to say hands down it was the best choice I have ever made.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ve heard grandparents say that you learn how good of a parent you were when you see how your kids raise your grandkids.</p>
<p>“When asked what wrong with our marriages, most of us say “I picked the wrong person.””</p>
<p>OK, you picked the wrong person for your spouse. But did you pick a bad parent for your kids? That’s what I’m talking about. That’s why I said choosing the “other parent,” not choosing your spouse. I know lots of families with two excellent, divorced parents. You might find a great second parent without marrying them at all.</p>
<p>Of course kids often turn out fine with one lousy parent, or two. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a terrible thing for the child. I don’t believe there’s any way for a good parent to make the lousy parent not matter. If you have a parent who beats you, or abandons you, or emotionally torments you, the other parent can never negate that reality. You’re not doomed, but it’s something you have to live with even if you go on to a terrific adult life. It’s like childhood cancer – lots of kids survive it to live long, healthy lives, and they may not even think about it much. But every parent should aspire to keep their kids from experiencing it.</p>
<p>The OP is not trying to make the best out of a bad situation – he’s trying to build a good situation from the ground up. I am convinced that selecting the other parent is the alpha and omega of what he should be thinking about now.</p>
<p>I completely agree with Hannah. Two parents in a stable marriage is probably the single most important element for raising kids well. Yes, single moms can do it – and no doubt single dads but if you look a the statistics, successful marriage is absolutely key.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It’s not the marriage, so much, in my opinion, as the ability of the two adults to be good parents – whatever their living situation.</p>
<p>My parents divorced when I was nine years old, and my mother had custody of my sister and me. Nevertheless, my father continued to be a highly responsible and effective parent. </p>
<p>He paid his child support on time and contributed additional money for extras (such as music lessons and summer camp) that would not otherwise have been possible, spent as many weekends with my sister and me as he could, took us on interesting and educational trips, kept us involved with his extended family, remained actively interested in our schoolwork and other activities, discussed parenting issues with my mother in a businesslike and rational way despite the hostility between then, paid half of our college costs, allowed my sister to live with him during college breaks when it became impossible for her to stay with our mother (who needed to let an elderly relative use what had been my sister’s room), allowed my sister to live with him again during a period when she had financial difficulties, and eventually, became the only grandparent who was actively involved with my children. </p>
<p>And at the end of his life, he left my sister and me far more money than we ever realized he had, which will definitely help us with our own retirement. He also was thoughtful enough to leave smaller amounts (about $25,000) to each of my then-teenage children, which turned out to be of huge help to them in establishing themselves as independent young adults. My son used the money to supplement an inadequate stipend while in graduate school, and my daughter used a portion of it to furnish her first apartment and buy a business wardrobe, and she still has some left over (perhaps for when she needs to buy a car). </p>
<p>My dad’s marriage failed, but in the parenting and grandparenting department, he got a A plus. Although my mother and father may not have made the best of choices in terms of marriage, my mother did an excellent job of selecting her children’s father.</p>
<p>Right – Marian and I are on the same page. I’m focusing on the parenting, not the marriage. In addition to families with good divorced parents, I know families where there’s a long, stable marriage between a nice person and a louse. The nice parent there did not choose well for the kids, even though s/he for whatever reasons makes the marriage work with the louse.</p>
<p>How did I raise my kids?</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Let them have about as much screen time as they wanted. Found it was a great babysitter, esp on Saturday mornings. Only caveat was we only had rabbit years for the first few years then not even that after. No Cable. They watched videos, and now Netflix. Had their own computers by the time they were about 3. Was always amazed how they could work the mouse when their hands were half the size of the mouse.</p></li>
<li><p>Mom (me) worked long hours outside the home. Kids with semi-stay at home dad who was not a nurturing kind and I think mostly ignored them, some daycare, some nannies. DD now a latch key kid as a middle schooler.</p></li>
<li><p>When they asked me to play with them, my standard answer was ‘I’m your parent, not your friend.’ </p></li>
<li><p>When son complained repeatedly about being bored, I confiscated <em>all</em> of his many toys, and he had to get them back one at a time. Even locked them in their rooms once or twice when they were extra bother.</p></li>
<li><p>Read to them until I discovered Books on Cassettes worked better for me. They didn’t seem to care either way.</p></li>
<li><p>Let them eat whatever they wanted which was never vegetables. Campbells chicken noodle soup was a favorite and the kids are experts on cooking Ramen noodles. Ate out or carry out a lot. I cook with my index finger, I say.</p></li>
<li><p>Provided them with a safe, warm, supportive, non judgmental environment. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>How’d they turn out?</p>
<p>Jury is still out. DS is a serious student at a top Research U, very focused on his studies, varsity athlete. Very comfortable in his own skin. Plans to pursue PhD in physical sciences which has been his goal since 1st grade.</p>
<p>DD is still in middle school, top student. Interested in every subject under the sun and loved by her teachers. Happy go lucky for the most part.</p>
<p>I’m firmly of the opinion that once you have provided basic physical, social and mental surroundings, they raise themselves and become the person they will regardless of what you do or don’t do for them. </p>
<p>In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff. And it’s almost all small stuff.</p>
<p>Kids are the most meaningful thing I have done with my life . I had 4 , and it was mostly joyful . From an early age , tell your kids , " This is how we do things in our family " , in response to why can’t we do this or that . Spend time with each child separately . Be a united front with your spouse . Model from early on the behaviors you wish to see - be on time , show kindness to others . I remember one time when my 2 year old D was cold , and my 4 year old son took his jacket off and put it around her shoulders , without saying anything ! We gave our children a lot of "rope " as they got older , always saying " I trust you to do the right thing . " Most important - NEVER HAVE AN ARGUMENT WHEN YOUR CHILD IS NOT HOME . Our kids knew we would pick them up anywhere , any time , no questions asked , until we got home . We are very pleased with how they turned out !</p>
<p>Looking back it occurs to me that we never really had a single rule in our home. We weren’t big on rules.</p>
<p>But the road is a long one. They aren’t incarcerated or addicted heroin yet (that I know of) so who knows who is really a success or who isn’t at being a parent? My own parents still worry like crazy over one of their kids who started having a troubled life in his thirties. There’s no end zone to this.</p>
<p>My compliments to sewhappy having good luck so far, with kids raised in an unconventional style.
So many other parents require students to brush teeth, eat proper meals, do homework, go to school, bathe, tell the truth, and(with older kids) may not permit boozing or drugs, or smoking, or swearing in the home, sleepovers w/ dates, driving without license, and so very many other things that are commonly required in many households. Not having a single rule is uncommon, but can’t argue with results. Well done!</p>
<p>So much wonderful collective wisdom on this thread! Great job, everyone – we all know how draining and hard being a good parent can be but also know that our children are worth it. To the thoughts of others, I would add these:
<p>*My compliments to sewhappy having good luck so far, with kids raised in an unconventional style.
So many other parents require students to brush teeth, eat proper meals, do homework, go to school, bathe, tell the truth, and(with older kids) may not permit boozing or drugs, or smoking, or swearing in the home, sleepovers w/ dates, driving without license, and so very many other things that are commonly required in many households. Not having a single rule is uncommon, but can’t argue with results. Well done! *</p>
<p>LOL Hoss.</p>
<p>I think if Sewhappy looked a little closer, she’s realize that there were some rules or guidelines …even if the rules did not need to be spoken. She and her H probably led by good example. </p>
<p>However, I do know a mom who was a rule-less mom and it did show. Kids put their mouths on the milk cartons, had nasty grooming habits, broke fragile things using them as “toys”, drove w/o licenses, stole money from parents/siblings wallets, raided the liquor cabinet, ate anywhere they pleased (and the carpets/furniture looked like a painters palette), ditched school, ignored homework assignments, etc.</p>
<p>They did manage to get thru college (somehow??) and have good jobs, but they are difficult adults.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I think most of us know that mom. ::rolleyes::</p>