How do I convince my mom that I'm making the right choice to transfer?

Transfer Students
1

I am currently a freshman at Eckerd College, a small liberal arts school in St. Petersburg, Florida. While I have only been here for 2 months, I am already strongly considering transferring to a larger school in Chicago. I was so mesmerized by the beach and the fact that I could bring my cat, that I didn’t really look at the things I didn’t like about the school. The psychology department is hardly existent, the only things close to the campus are fast food restaurants, there is a party every single night of the week (yes, this is a negative for me), and everything on campus is super out-of-date (dorms, gym, classrooms). I’m getting involved on campus, and I’m making good friends, but even when I come from hanging out with my friends, I still feel like I’m not in the right place. The school that I really want to transfer to is DePaul University in Chicago, it’s the same liberal arts feel, but in the city and with an amazing psychology department. I toured the school last year and loved it, I even did a lab with an Environmental Science class, but I didn’t apply because it was too close to home.

My main problem isn’t me questioning whether or not I want to transfer, I figure I’ll give it until November and then decide then, for sure. The issue I’m having is with my mom. When I toured Eckerd, with my mom, she loved the school and kept saying that she wished she could have gone here. She loved the beach, the warm weather, the faculty, but it was all the stuff that they want you to love so you don’t look at the bad stuff. Even in the first week of classes, she kept texting me asking for pictures so she could “live vicariously through me”. I feel like she saw this school as the perfect place for me, and herself. So, by me not loving the school, she feels like I’m letting myself down, as well as failing her. Every time I call her and ask for advice she just gets angry and says that I’m not trying hard enough and that she’ll make me go to community college and live at home if I decide to transfer. Instead of listening to my pros/cons and my factual reasons for wanting to transfer, she points fingers at the “wrong” reasons, like she says I have no friends and just want to be closer to my boyfriend. But I do have good friends, and I’m actually worried that transferring closer to my boyfriend will disrupt our relationship. He’s actually one of my “cons”. She even escalated to saying that I should see if there’s an Alcoholics Anonymous group that meets near the school that I could go to and “make friends”. Please note that I don’t drink, and have never wanted to. It’s actually one of the reasons why I hate the social life here. She’s also been trying to bribe me by saying she’ll buy me a car so I can drive off campus. But having a car won’t solve my problems, it’ll just make it easier for me to escape from them.

I know that I’m an adult and I make my own decisions, but my mom’s opinion has always been important to me. Her and my dad are divorced and, in the state of Illinois, that means they, legally, both have to contribute to 1/3 of my college expenses, regardless of where I go to school. So I’m not worried about losing financial aid for college, and I will transfer against her will, if it comes to that. Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to my mom about it and inspire her to listen, instead of just defending my current school? Right now, we aren’t talking because I just get upset when she doesn’t listen to what I’m saying, which makes me feel worse and she uses it as ammo. If I cry, she says that I’m too emotional and must not be emotionally ready to make choices for myself. I really don’t want to have to go against her will to transfer, as I usually have a really good relationship with my mom. But I can’t stay at this school if I can’t succeed academically and am miserable, even if she loves it. Please help, I would really appreciate it.

2
  1. Your parents are not required to pay 1/3 (each) of your college expenses "regardless" of where you go to school. They can only be required to pay up to the maximum of the in-state cost of UIUC (currently $31K) and they cannot be forced to pay more than they can afford. You are currently in a school with a CoA of $41K (less any merit or financial aid you are getting ) and you are proposing to transfer to a school with a CoA of $58K. You can only borry about $5K / year in your own name, so where is the money going to come from (up to $27k/ year assuming that they pay the full $31K)? Unless you have a source of money you haven't mentioned, transferring "against her will" is not a viable option.
  2. "The psychology department is hardly existent" is simply not true. There are other posters who can address the relative strengths of the department better than I can, but there is a psych department. It is smaller than dePauws, but it has some credible faculty.

3.You haven’t made your case (here) for DePauw. It reads as ‘I hate where I am, I want to go home and I liked this one college and it will solve all my problems if I just transfer there’. From a parent’s perspective that does not say mature, thoughtful decision making.

So, back up. Stop the drama. Do some homework, both practical and internal thinking about yourself. On the internal thinking, do some serious thinking about what it is that you want from your college experience. You don’t want to be back on CC next fall saying 'ok, so that didn’t work out, I need to [go back to Fl] [go to new college idea X]. And it happens more often than you might think (actually there are other posters on CC doing that right now).

On the practical front, so some college research: what are the most important factors for you in a different college? major? geography? size? degree of urban-ness? diversity? What are some colleges that fit those priorities, and that you can get into with your HS record and your first year college marks

And then, last but actually most important: do the math: what are the financial implications of each those colleges? Drop any that are simply not affordable for them.

Build a short list of colleges, with reasons and cost implications for each of them and over Fall Break (if you are going home- if so, you will have to work fast) or Thanksgiving talk it through with your Mom. Show her that you have dome some mature thinking, including being realistic about finances.

3

I believe you misread a large part of my message. I’ve left out a lot of information because or else my original post would have been twice this size.

  1. In my parents’ specific divorce documents, that they agreed on, state that my parents and I each must cover 1/3 of my total college costs. Theirs does not specify because my parents both agreed that I was not likely going to a in-state college, and they elected to change that. That is not specific to the law, but it is written in the document they agreed on. I also have my own college savings, as well as plan on working.
  2. Yes, there is a psych department. However, it is not as well-funded as the natural science degrees on campus, and they do not allow for specialization. DePaul, different from DePauw, has a larger psych department that would not only allow me to specialize, but I could enter their 5 year program and get my Bachelors and Masters in 5 years. I understand that Eckerd does have a psych department, and has a lot of good faculty especially if you’re interested in comparative psych, but they don’t have the strengths that I’m looking for.
  3. As I stated originally, if I had included all of the information I had, my post would have been twice as long. DePaul offers their 5 year Psych program, with specialization. While DePaul is a larger liberal arts school than Eckerd, it still manages to have incredibly small class sizes, especially when you get into higher level courses. Because the university is in Lincoln Park, there are tons of activities to do off campus, and they aren’t limited to drinking and partying. DePaul is known for not being a party school, and most students spend their weekends adventuring around the city. I could easily get into DePaul with my high school grades, as well as my current grades at Eckerd, and would likely get merit scholarships. While transfer merit aid is nowhere near the same amount as for an incoming freshman, my parent’s count it towards my third. Because of the limited housing on campus, most students end up renting apartments together starting their sophomore year. This means that I will probably be paying less, as the average monthly cost for an apt with 3 people is around $250 and I wouldn’t need a meal plan. I’m visiting Chicago at the end of October to see my parents, and I plan on meeting with transfer admissions reps and touring several campuses while I’m there.

I’ve talked to many people that I’ve hoped to get an unbiased opinion from, and each one mentions the fact that many people transfer too early and end up regretting their decision later on. I spoke with my academic adviser here, at Eckerd, and he agreed that the reasons I had for disliking the school were all valid reasons, but that I should wait until mid-November to really make my decision about transferring. At that point, I’ll have been here for 3 months. His reasoning was that if the way I’m feeling right now improves, there’s a chance that it’s just homesickness and it’ll pass. However, if it gets worse throughout the semester, I’m better off transferring and finding a place that has a better specialized psych program and isn’t as isolated.

Your last little paragraph is exactly what I’m doing right now. I’ve been researching six schools that have good transfer programs, good psych programs, and are located in a larger city. I’ve made pros/cons lists for each, created a financial report, and have emailed all of their transfer admissions representatives with specific questions that I couldn’t find the answer to. My dad has looked at this information and sees that I’m making choices based on facts, not emotions. He agrees with my adviser, that I should wait until November to apply and really think about transferring, as do I. However, my mom refuses to look at any of the “mature” work I have done. I am not a dramatic freshman complaining that I don’t have best friends yet so I want to go home, I am a freshman that fell in love with the campus visit of a school, but did no research on the academics or the location and now really regrets that. I really appreciate your advice, but I don’t think my post really explained that I’ve been doing mature, realistic thinking, not just leaving because I’m homesick.

4

My bad on mixing up DePauw & DePaul! oops…

(also, borry = typo for borrow, but you probably figured that out)

I read both your threads, and imo they were more emotive and less focused/pragmatic than this new one. Your clarifications are helpful as well.

From your current post it sounds as though you are teasing out the differences between ‘I hate being here’ and ‘what is the right university fit for me’. It is entirely possible for your unhappiness to be both homesickness and a bad fit (socially or academically).

Your core question was ‘how do I get my mom to agree with me’. Without knowing anything about either of you, your history, or anything else I can say that the relationship between mother and daughter* changes when the daughter goes off to college. It just does. And to keep it interesting, how it changes seems to be unpredictable- it has happened in totally different ways with each of mine who have gone. So, in quiet moments (shower / run / walk / whatever), think about what you know about where your mom is in her world in general and what she may be feeling about her relationship with you. Then think about what you would like in the way of support- separating emotional from practical- from her. Review what approaches have worked with her in the past and consider whether it is time to change some of them. Look for the strengths in her arguments for why you should stay and the weaknesses in your own arguments- and then knit those into the larger case of what you want to do. Having your Dad onside is useful, but watch out for seeming to gang up on her. This is a great chance to practice adulting!

*note that this is true for all parent-child combinations, but you were asking about your mom

5

Write out all the facts and leave out your emotions.

I graduated from Eckerd in 2004, and tried out many things on campus to try to find my niche. I contemplated transferring and had very good reasons at the time, also; but, I didn’t. I found my way, but it was against the grain. I know what you mean when you refer to the lifestyle and second guessing your initial decision to attend that school.

Since you know what you want, you need to go for it. College is the time to make decisions and change your mind and make mistakes. Too many people let others influence their dreams and wind up regretting way down the line.

Try to remove your emotions from your pitch to your mom, remain level headed and calm. Know the triggers that your mom has when you bring up certain topics and prepare to repeat your main points. Since you are in the direction of psych, use this as a case example and possibly explore ways to find happiness in your current situation for the time being. Show valid attempts at trying. You’ll then know what you’ll need to do. Use your instincts.

Side note: see if there are any alumni from Eckerd that live in Chicago now and ask them for some good valid comparisons.

Most of all, be consistent.

6

OMG, if you go to Eckerd and don’t like to drink, please find my daughter. The partying there is driving her nuts.

7

She may want to try out eckerd’s QSA. They have bonfires every Sunday night. No drinking just nerdy fun, and cute dogs, too! My daughter loves it and she’s also not a drinker or partier.