I have had this discussion with her and she SAYS she gets it but clearly she really doesn’t.
My youngest is smart, capable and on a great path – she was a competitive figure skater for years, she played HS and club volleyball and now she is off to university for her BSN. Over the past year she started dating this young man who is the son of a woman who works with her. He is a year younger so he will be still going to high school. He has a car so he can travel a bit (assuming the mother lets him).
So she has spent the last 4 years of high school complaining she doesn’t have friends (she exaggerates - she does have a few, and some have come and gone from her circle - but I admit she is not bell of the ball or anything). Anyway, she has this chance to start again - college is different and the perfect place to make new friends. She says she wants to do that and is looking forward to it. I explained to her that she best not spend all her evenings skyping the boy and her weekends running to home or having the boyfriend there.
She said she understands. BUT we were buying her dorm stuff and talking about how we were going to pack and when we would travel etc. and she says ’ Oh Matt was going to come and help with his own car - is that okay?" SIGH – she may as well put a sign on her neck that says - have boyfriend no interest in making friends and having fun at college.
THE FIRST DAY – the day that people get to know each other, friendships start to form, you know?? Orientation and social events. I don’t know if she is the one clinging to him, or him to her – but how do I make her understand? I don’t want to listen to how many friends she doesn’t have when she lives in a dorm for goodness sake.
She ASKED you if it was okay. You have every right to say, “We really like Matt, but we want moving day to be just for our family. The college will have lots of upperclassmen there to help carry stuff into your room.”
Oh I did say that @janjmom – Her asking me that just leads me to believe she isn’t quite grasping the concept even though she says she is, I mean the FIRST DAY?? GEESH
@HPuck35 I hope you are right – the cooling off is what my husband and I are hoping will happen. And I doubt his mother will let him go there for the weekend (and stay over) based on what I see currently.
At my kids school the traffic patterns are very controlled for move in day, one student, one vehicle, one way traffic patterns, and a short assigned time frame. So, I guess I’d say something along the lines of “Awesome he can ride down there and back with us, it will be very helpful to have an extra set of hands when we drop you off.” Parents get shuffled off campus fairly quickly and the students are off to their events. Have you looked at the move in procedures? I think part of the reason the schools have such choreographed procedures and orientation events is to ensure students are bonding with each other.
@BuckeyeMWDSG I have looked at it for sure - he cannot really ride with us (car space) as my Mercedes Sedan WILL be filled with stuff LOL including the back seat. Also she and I are going to have to make one more run of items that fall into “now that I have seen my exact room I still need xyz”. And there is no way I want another kid with me doing that. I am going to enjoy this with her you know? And I am not a helicopter like parent at all but still. This is my last (#5) so I have it down to a science lol.
There is a parent/student lunch and a convocation and then we get shuffled off. My last daughter’s was like that as well. And I would never agree to ride in the car that long with the boy! He doesn’t speak or make eye contact with anyone - it would be like torture!
I already said no to that day - I just don’t want her to think it is a good idea for him to run up there all the time and be her sidekick - that is a really good way to look closed off to friendships by others.
We went through something similar with DS. I did not extend an I invitation to the SO to come along to drop off because of distance (overnight stay) and feeling it was very much a last family event. I think he appreciated the time to mentally prepare to be alone on campus. SO came by to see him off from our house. I also think he appreciated saying that goodbye in private rather than on campus.
My DD sounds exactly like yours. The BF did not come at orientation, but she took the train to NY to visit him or he sometimes came to her. Fast foward to the end of freshman year…they break up. She is mad she “wasted” freshman year on him…because at you guessed it…she didn’t have many friends because she spent the weekends with him.
Fast foward again…she made friends.
I agree…I would say “No, I don’t think it is a good idea that Matt comes. This weekend is a time for us to set you up, say goodbye, and you to transition to college life. You need your attention on making new friends. In fact I would really like it if he didn’t visit you for the first two months so you can start also to make college friends. Why don’t you invite him up for homecoming?”
I was in your D’s position, exactly - my boyfriend was a year younger than I was when I went off to college. I can tell you, if my parents had suggested he not visit me for two months, I would have been ripped. I wouldn’t advise that. The boy won’t be around so much that he interferes with your D making friends. She’ll be living with other students 24/7.
My sophomore year, he went off to MIT, 2,000 miles away. I still remember my dad saying, “Of course, you’re not going to keep dating since he’s so far away…” Well, gee, Dad, yes, we are!
And yes, things have a way of working out. The next year, BF dumped me. I was heartbroken at the time, but now I am SO thankful he did!!
There’s no room for Matt, and many colleges want one car (at a time at least) for drop off.
Things will take care of themselves. Those first days are chock full of orientation events; she’s bound to meet people. In fact, you can remind her that it may take a while before she meets some guys who will put Matt up when he visits.
Besides, in very short order he’ll be busy at school himself.
I wouldn’t worry.
I had a HS boyfriend a year younger than me when I went to college. I went home almost every weekend to see him. We broke up in early spring my freshman year. My college friends consoled me. In other words, I was still able to make friends even with a boyfriend that I spent every weekend with until that point.
@MaineLonghorn I guarantee you he is not going to MIT or anything like it. He is barely passing technical high school. He will likely be staying around here for a while (conceivable working after he graduates)
I am secretly glad my daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her - she is going off to college, he is still a senior in high school.
It was a tough couple of weeks. She took it hard. But she’s fine now, and so excited for college. And the first words out of her mouth when she meets someone will not be “I have a boyfriend.” 8-|
We had a similar situation. He didn’t want to come to drop-off, but D spent first year and half going to visit him to his out of state college. It did impact her social life, but she’s always had difficulty socially. This was sort of a safety net for her. We had many talks, but she never got it.
I agree you can express that your looking forward to your traditional drop-off just with her. Reality-what happens after you leave . . . BF can show up later that night.
I didn’t care for Ds BF that much. He was very troubled. However after s while, I stuffed much of that because I didn’t want her to start hiding their relationship. It did eventually end after a 1.5 years.
We had a similar situation with D2, although we liked the boy. He came in his car and was really helpful in getting stuff into her third floor dorm room (no elevator) when the maintenance people had left all the furniture components piled up the ceiling in the middle of the room in unworkable combinations. He is tall and strong, God bless him. He ended up coming to her school a lot. A LOT. He went to a different school and became very close to her friends and the boys they ultimately paired up with.
They were married in May and that group is still their group of friends, despite living in different places.