@toomanyteens, going to MIT doesn’t have anything to do with it. My point was that my dad trying to dictate my relationship in any shape or form was NOT a good idea.
Here the thing about sending a kid off to college. You need to come to terms with the fact that it is pretty much inevitable that your kid will ignore some of your good advice. Time will prove you right and you will have to watch your child suffer through a situation that was very preventable. Sometimes you will receive acknowledgement that they wished they had listened. More often you will not.
IMHO the best you can do is think carefully about how to phrase advice so it is most likely to be taken and then let it go. Trying too hard either to enforce certain behavior/choices or even just bringing it up again and again trying to get your kid to agree/accept your point of view is likely to alienate your kid and make them listen even less to your advice in the future.
That’s true - most romances like this don’t last, but some do. DD dated her high school sweetheart until her junior year in college and spent many weekends visiting him (or he visiting her.) They both made friends at their school and each other’s school. Even though they eventually broke up, they remained friends, and DD does not regret that relationship at all.
So - it depends. I do agree with @MaineLonghorn and @mom23travelers. Don’t be too insistent on “your way” and don’t try to dictate the relationship. I tried to be the sympathetic ear (and kept my mouth shut) when it came to boyfriend issues, unless I was asked directly…and even then, I tried to tread lightly.
My son had a similar situation. He started sating a girl spring of their senior year, although they had been friends for several years before that. On the outside it looked like a good connection as they were both going to the same school and as it turned out living in neighboring dorms.
About 3 weeks before leaving for school he came home and said he had broken up with her, his reasoning “he didn’t want to go to school with a girlfriend”. My 18 y/o so the pitfalls but my wife was upset, she thought it too perfect that they were going to school together. My son’s rationale was that they were going to be living across the street from each other so after they both were adjusted to campus life if it is meant to be they could get back together. Very mature in my mind, not so much my wifes.
Fast forward and they never got back together, in fact the ex will not speak to my son, even if they run into each other on campus. In his mind it worked out perfectly as it was obviously not meant to be but my wife is still bothered by the fact that he looked like a jerk breaking up just a couple of weeks before leaving for school.
Personally, I like the idea of helping them arrange a nice good-bye at home. (Even giving them a gift certificate for a nice dinner). Explain that drop off will be frenetic and is likely to leave both of them dissatisfied with the kind of time they’ll have together.
I suspect that at some level she does “get it” and is terrified.
" You need to come to terms with the fact that it is pretty much inevitable that your kid will ignore some of your good advice. Time will prove you right "
LOL–Time will not necessarily “prove you right.”
Afraid I could pretty much tell a story to prove almost every part of the spectrum. The HS sweethearts (and yes, he went to MIT! whose parents weren’t all that thrilled) who are still together 40 years later. The ones who met in college and didn’t last in the least. The ones who BROKE up in HS to go to college who reconnected 20 years later after separate partners and then got married.
Ugh.
It doesn’t hurt to gently encourage to “keep your options open” and “don’t tie yourself down yet” and “if it’s meant to last it will” .
But you really have to trust that your kid has a decent head on their shoulders (since you raised them that way hopefully) and will pick the right mate at the right time for the right reasons.
(And if they need advice getting OUT of a relationship–give the advice gracefully…)
Very few relationships make it to Christmas freshman year and of those that do, only a fraction will last long term under those circumstances. Let her figure this out on her own… and she will.
I’ve posted it before, but one of the most helpful pieces of advice I got was from our kids’ psychiatrist. About our middle child, the doctor said, “I know it’s hard, but in S’s case, say nothing, do nothing…” Of course, each kid is different, but that was wise advice in his case. He had to learn from his mistakes because he certainly wouldn’t listen to us.
So true. No one likes to hear someone else predicting failure for them, and she’s likely to hold onto the relationship for longer if she knows you’ll be thinking “I told you so!” if the relationship doesn’t work out.
As I parent, you stay out of it. Your D is an adult and will figure it out herself in due time…
Many romances fade away when one of the two people goes off to college or when they go to different colleges but not all do.
I started dating a guy during the summer before college. We met at a summer job. He was, at the time, between his second and third years of college at a different school a four hour drive away from the college I would be attending.
We’ve been married for 42 years.
Another thought:
Just as an academic exercise, imagine this scenario: Let’s say that during the last part of high school, your son or daughter got into a relationship with a young person who seems to be an excellent choice. The two of them have similar levels of academic achievement and professional ambition, and the boyfriend or girlfriend is an exemplary person – hardworking, considerate, pleasant to be around, and compatible with your child in personality, interests, and general background. The boyfriend/girlfriend will not be attending the same college as your child next year, but the two of them may be able to visit each other from time to time.
Would you object to your child “missing opportunities” at college or not being fully invested in campus life because of this relationship? Or would you think that it’s OK to deviate a bit from the standard experience of an unattached college freshman to maintain such as desirable relationship?
I’ve noticed on CC that some people who object to their entering college freshman having a preexisting romantic relationship are genuinely concerned that the relationship will impede their child’s college experience, but what others object to is the person their child is involved with – they would like the relationship to end in the hope that their child might find a more suitable partner. I think it’s helpful to figure out which group you fall into. What is it that you really object to?
@svlab112 I feel similarly about her boyfriend - his family is trouble, the mother is a crack addict for God sake. She tends to befriend all the wounded but unfortunately the wounded tend to suck her into their abyss
@Marian with this particular boy it is both. And for this particular daughter the friend thing is a challenge anyway (without having an anchor). Her sister who is going into her sophomore year is still technically dating her HS boyfriend. I don’t care for it either to be honest BUT… he is active military so it doesn’t impede her social life in college at all. So I let it be.
@MaineLonghorn I got that - I was being facetious; my point in that is that he is not going to college anywhere at all
@SoCalDad2 I beg to differ on adult - she is 17
@gardenstategal terrified of what? I honestly thing she clings to him because somehow she believes that she needs a boyfriend, and that he is safe (younger, not that ambitious, not likely to break up with her)
@toomanyteens --“terrified of what? I honestly thing she clings to him because somehow she believes that she needs a boyfriend, and that he is safe (younger, not that ambitious, not likely to break up with her)”’
You may be totally right. If that’s the case, you are on the safe side–she’ll dump him when she meets someone better.
(Sounds mean in some ways but it’s normal.)
It IS comforting for your D to think in some way that she isn’t “on her own” or needs to “manhunt” and feel safe in some way. She just needs to meet more people and grow more confidence in her own abilities.
She’s 17, almost 18, right? She IS an adult the second she turns 18, even if she doesn’t act or feel like it.
OK, I’m done. I guess it hits home because I have a friend who is trying to give her college-aged daughter advice and it is going badly. I can’t convince my friend to let go, either, ha.
Terrified that she won’t have a BF. Terrified of looking for a new BF at college where boys may not be so safe… Scared of being alone. The familiarity and safety you cite are preferable to that.
What you are seeing as an albatross (and I am of the same mindset, btw) is her liferaft. She may get to school and decide that she doesn’t need that, but for now, it’s appealing. (And if she has heard everything about how to stay safe - no drinking from open top containers, have your not-yet-made friends watch out for you., she may be nervous about a college social scene. How convenient to have a safe, sleepy, immature BF as an excuse to not be 100% involved! )