Oh ok. But then you would be out not only the $50 rebate but the price of the ticket - which given the size of the rebate was substantial. Then they really win!
I think that in the future I would be the one who books the tickets or at the very least don’t have Randi or the person who “came” up with the idea do it.
This reminds me of all those Miss Manners events where someone invites a bit group out for their birthday/job promotion/trip overseas and then expects everyone to pay, and cover the host’s share, without any notice!
Good for @thumper1’s daughter. It should be perfectly fine to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t budget for that expense” and not get further passive aggressive treatment.
perfect place to go is etiquettehell , it is the sort of place (like here) that tells you you are NOT crazy, stingy or rude and they give you words to use to call these manipulators out.
Sorry this happened, but it is a word to the wise now!
Or it reminds me of the situation where some have steak, lobster and wine while another has salad. Then the bill comes and they want to split it evenly. Budget salad eater is expected to subsidize big eaters.
I often go out with friends to eat and we just split the bill because it’s easier to do that than try to sort out who had two beers and who had the steak or the salad.
That said, here in Ohio, separate checks are sort of the default, or at least the server asks. As a NYer I find that really odd but it is convenient.
My daughter had a similar situation in senior year of high school. A big group of friends wanted to go to dinner and prom together. One girl who was coordinating made a non refundable deposit on a limo without letting everyone know first. 1/2 the group backed out when she told everyone how much each person owed. (it was over $100 per person for the limo) After half the group backed out I told my daughter we can’t afford to pay that much for the limo so she backed out and I dropped her instead. This girl should have confirmed with everybody before having her mother make a deposit. I am not one to speak up but in this situation I would have because I don’t like to be taken advantage of. I am sure there must have been others who felt the same way. We had a strict budget for prom and didn’t want to go overboard with all the other expenses she had for graduation and other senior celebration events.
I’m confused. Was EACH person promised a $50 rebate? It sounds like this was a good-sized group. If EACH person was promised a $50 rebate, and she got to keep all the rebates, how much did she get total for just booking the tickets??
My H faced something like this a year ago. They were settling his mom’s estate and they held back about 20 thousand dollars “just in case” there was some unaccounted for bill. When the dust settled, suddenly one sister “cried poor,” and another sibling announced that the sister should just be given the rest of the money outright. It was done in a very heavy-handed way to make any objecter feel cheap and greedy.
When I was a poor student or in a low-paying job, we would very occasionally run into a situation where one or two people would order very expensive meals at a restaurant, while those of us on a tight budget would order what we could afford. Their attempts to get us to just split the bill were not successful: most people knew what the situation was.
In this case, I think that the person who “suggested” forgoing the rebate was very presumptuous. It is likely that some people agreed to the deal only because of that rebate. If she wanted to email the rest of the group and suggest that those who could afford it tell the unemployed person to forget their rebate, that would have been fine. Otherwise she is free to subsidize that woman herself, rather than making financial decisions for other people.
This reminds me of a former friend of mine who would often remark upon the cheapness of people bringing food to pot lucks. Now, I actually agree with her: it seems that cheap pasta dishes are the norm for many, would it kill them to cook some cheap chicken or something? But her POV was that she would cook “a couple of filets,” and she didn’t understand why everyone didn’t do something like that. Of course, she was talking about $40-50 worth of meat!
Did you actually assent to the plan to let Randi keep your $50, or did you just stay quiet? If the latter, you could simply email Randi and ask when you’ll be getting the rebate. You could say, “Here’s my address. Would you prefer to send a check or to use Venmo?” If she brings up the statement at dinner (which she likely won’t), you could just say: “Oh, that was Sally’s idea; she didn’t discuss it with the rest of the group. I was pretty sure you could read the situation, and that you understood she was speaking on behalf of herself only. It was great fun seeing you, etc …” You could even add: “If I were you, I would send out the checks right away so that everyone won’t think you are holding them to Sally’s announcement. That would be awkward!”
I am with the prior poster- did every person in the large group expect $50 back? If so, that is ridiculous. If the offer was essentially only $50 total and that covered the organizer’s ticket, I can see a time and place people might want to do that, but still with prior agreement, not sorted out in front of the recipient!
I would ask for my $50 back–you are under no obligation to be guilted into donating $50 to this woman and FRIENDS wouldn’t act like this.
What OP described with the announcer putting others on the spot would never work in most social circles I run in for two reasons:
- Most have fiscal constraints(i.e.: student loans) or like myself, grew up in financially constraining conditions to the point even an amount like $10 still psychologically feels like a lot even though in my case...my current finances are such I can easily afford much more than that.
- Making an announcement like that involving putting others on the spot for a financial/time/labor contribution without prior consultation of those being pulled in tends to be deservedly regarded as underhanded and sympathy and respect will overwhelmingly be given to the one calling out the one making the announcement.
Personally, I’m of the opinion if someone is that underhanded…the actual worth of their friendship is already quite dubious so losing it wouldn’t be a consideration.
I would approach the woman and tell her she made an error by assuming everyone in the group was in a position to freely donate $50 to another. Tell her you know it was a hardship on a few. She needs to understand what she did was unacceptable even though it was with good intent. If she offers a refund at that time accept it.
I think it is too late to get your money back otherwise. Just be wary of any future events.
@TatinG yes we want to know, was everyone was supposed to get $50, so that the buyer would get to keep hundreds of dollars in rebates, or was it a $50 rebate for the entire purchase? If it is the latter, I wouldnt say anthing, because by the time you divide $50 by the number of folks in the group, the amount wouldnt amount to much. If the former, then yes, I would speak up.
@OHMomof2 yes, in Ohio it is common to split checks. I would have a fit if Im expected to split a check and someone ordered a lot more food and/or beverage than I did.
It’s clear to me that it was $50 each which adds up quite a bit! I just noticed the “a group of us…” BS. What a great way to make any individual person who objects to this scheme feel like an outsider and small hearted at that. And if other people were also recently unemployed, this whole scheme is even more selfish!
Yeah, I’m confused too. I thought the total amount to be kept by Randi was $50 - not $50 from every attendee.
Heck no. The person who piped in with that idea was way out of line.
Looks clear - it’s $50 each.
Yes. Every person in the group of 10 was to get $50, so Randi wants to pocket 500$$!
I’ll probably see ‘other woman’ this weekend and tell her tactfully, if I can manage it, (ha) that what she did was out of line. Randi knows that some want the money back. What she decides to do well, we will see.
$50 rebate per person sounds like expensive tickets. Personally, just me, I’d want an idea, (without asking) of how much she needs $500. Some get nice severance, some aren’t so poor to begin with. If she needs it, I wouldn’t flinch about foregoing my rebate. Sometimes, this small bit of generosity is better karma. But I would be politely (not really “counting,”) expect some niceness in return.
I’m not clear if the comment was made in front of Randi. But at the time, I might have said, “Let’s discuss this, see what works,” rather than seem to agree. The cows may already have left the barn.