<p>On the subject of cakes … I went to a wedding last year where instead of a cake, a Mister Softee truck pulled up and served ice cream to all. </p>
<p>According to the MOB, the truck (which had to drive a hundred miles) was cheaper than all the cakes they’d priced.</p>
<p>My only problem with this scenario is that I somehow didn’t get the memo that there was to be no cake, so I kept wondering where the cake was. </p>
<p>One of my girls dated a guy from a very wealthy local family, the sort that can endow big buildings. They did daydream about marriage (luckily, they were still in hs, so this went nowhere.) Got me thinking his mom’s expectations for the whole shebang would far exceed my tastes, much less our wallets. (Oh, I see I said “my” tastes.) But, still rattles me, this idea that one family could pressure the other. The son was nice, though. I’m listening to how some posters her manage this.</p>
<p>My guest list turned out really odd. Of 140, I think it’s probably 10 my friends plus dates, 15 his friends plus dates, 10 his family total, 20 my family total, and the rest is my parents friends and their dates or more distant relatives I don’t know but my parents do. Almost everybody is single so almost half our count is +1s we may or may not have met before, which doesn’t thrill me but that’s part of how our count got so big. I wanted people to be happy and to dance, so I figured they should be allowed dates. I think almost everyone in the friend/family catagory will come and we will have a lot of regrets from my parents friends/distant relatives, so that should even things out some. Part of why my parents invited so many was because they were afraid we wouldn’t be able to meet the minimum for our venue, and we had a very hard time finding venues that could accommodate more than 30 but less than 200 in our price range and location.</p>
<p>Nobody had a limit set, everybody was allowed to invite as many as they wanted, and my parents said they would gladly axe some of their friends to make room for any of our friends or if my fiance’s family came up with any more. Mom has repeatedly said, “this is about you, your friends come first, just let me know if you or FMIL want to add more and we will make room.” It’s the same across the board, all family is invited, my family is just somewhat bigger. Both families are tiny and it would have been crazy to exclude anybody, we are all VERY close.</p>
<p>My fiance’s family flatly refused to add even a single person outside the immediate family to the list, and even hemmed and hawed about my fiance wanting to invite his uncle (who did get invited.) I do NOT understand that, at all… I can see not wanting to burden us if we were paying, or if we said we wanted a small wedding, but we’re not and we didn’t and I even asked if we could invite some of FMIL’s friends that I’ve gotten to know well and she said no. If I didn’t know better I’d wonder if she was ashamed of me or something. His sister’s weddings weren’t intimate affairs either. </p>
<p>ETA: There’s one huge cost savings measure. It varies a lot by family and location, but in a lot of places where maybe it was once traditional to allow everyone a +1, it is no longer the trend. In many places (but not all, I’ve come to learn), it is acceptable to only invite “dates” for married couples, couples that are engaged or living together, people in committed relationships, etc depending on where you want to draw the line. I liked this idea, but too many of my friends are in ambiguous relationships and I didn’t like having to sit and think about who was serious and who wasn’t-- not my business. But in some cases it can be a simple line to draw. If I’d only done people in serious relationships I could have cut my guest list by almost half. But, apparently, in my family this is a huge no-no so we didn’t really consider it after all.</p>
<p>On the last several posts, fully agree that MANY of the things mentioned are optional - a limo for instance is fluff to me. And that there is a big range of “saving” $$ on a wedding. For instance are you trying to shave off $2000 off a $6000 wedding budget, or shave $5000 off a $30,000 budget!? </p>
<p>My son is the one getting married. (we have daughters as well). The old rules of groom’s family paying for flowers/rehearsal dinner/morning after brunch…isn’t going to happen here. Again, my future dil isn’t the demanding one…but she can’t control her mother. There is a chance that we will have to move venues. My son (he of the 100 person wedding) wanted the service and dinner. Dancing…happy.</p>
<p>I asked my son to envision the “old” days. Mr.Ellebud went to one venue (after I had done the legwork.). There was no limit of the amount of people…but no one asked for more. My son calls me to help put him with perspectives. We had 115. </p>
<p>Funny thing: We have done the same thing with home purchases. I went to see houses and then narrowed the list down to 3 or 4. So far that has worked for us. </p>
<p>Lots of really great advice on this thread. Looking at what the bride and groom want, what the budget is. </p>
<p>My parents paid for our wedding. 2 p.m. church. MIL and FIL paid for the rehearsal dinner (immediate family and a few additional bridal party). Dad owned a business and we had little extended family to attend (so lots of parents’ friends), while DH had a large extended family and some close friends, with lots of first cousins which we were able to invite, although maybe 1/4th came - all aunts and uncles in the area came. We had a handful of college and local friends. Fortunately we did not need an exact ‘count’ for our dinner venue - H’s family largely did not bother to RSVP with stamped response card. One cousin even brought a boyfriend - soon to be fiance’ (that whole family of 6 plus boyfriend did not RSVP by the way and the wedding gift was a card and $20). My dad was never bothered by a booze bill, and open bar between reception (live musician, piano and singing with some appetizers) and dinner was a big hit with all; dinner was a very reasonable price (very nice restaurant, full buffet dinner at $10 a plate); live local band with dancing till midnight. Parents thought the floral bill was the only thing out of line, but back then there were not the options with floral as there are now. </p>
<p>My parents were not going to give us the money instead of the wedding. I know many men talk the elope plan with a cash value - seems a little crass, but some dads seem to like to throw that out there.</p>
<p>Hopefully we are a few years away from this with our two DDs.</p>
<p>Many couples want to do the wedding themselves, so it may be hand them the budget and give them your guest list (as appropriate numbers based on budget - if small, med or large wedding). I know a friend’s son that was expected by his future MIL to go into debt for the wedding MIL wanted to dictate - terrible situation for the couple.</p>
<p>Everyone wants the day to be great, a celebration. One friends’ daughter had the sacramental marriage (in church) with only the two sets of parents in attendance with the couple, then had a public wedding (really renewal of vows) with all the trimmings the next day. Flexibility, and determining what is important. Not getting hung up with small things.</p>
<p>I added one person to my daughter’s invite list. Other than that she made the list herself. The one person I added was a friend of mine that previously she said she wanted to invite, she just forgot. I would never want her wedding to be about me. When I got married a lot of things I wanted were overruled by my mother and I resented that. I don’t want to be that way for my daughter’s wedding. I don’t think she’s planning on limos. Maybe a taxi for herself. I’m sure my husband and I will take a taxi in London. I hadn’t really thought about the bridesmaids. We’ll have to line up a taxi for them too. Aren’t the taxis in London about the size of limos anyway? I’m learning so much from all of you already - thank you so much!</p>
<p>Wrong thread.</p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with a cake and punch reception, if that’s all the couple can afford. (That’s what DH and I did 22 years ago.) Yep, people came from various parts of the country, but they were coming to see a wedding, not attend a party. It was fun and inexpensive, and we didn’t stress ourselves out trying to plan the thing. There are way too many “shoulds” when it comes to wedding planning, but as far as I’m concerned, the only thing that should happen is a wedding ceremony for two people who have really thought about what they’re getting into.</p>
<p>With all due respect Massmomm: When invited to a wedding (large or small) one is expected to give a present. If it is in your tradition to have large weddings with punch and cake fine. But if it was me…I would definitely say no presents if I were having punch and cake… Two hundred people or 25 for a restaurant celebation. It kind of seems like a gift grab.</p>
<p>I apologize if it is your tradition to do the punch thing. I do not want to offend you…but sharing your joy with punch and expecting a place setting of silver. In my book it maybe not.</p>
<p>It has been my impression that the cake and punch in the church basement thing was a Southern tradition, mostly, and that it also dated from an era when just about everyone in attendance would be local. </p>
<p>Personally, I think people need more sustenance than that if they are driving an hour or more, and besides, I enjoy feeding people. 
The size of the gift doesn’t matter to me on this…but <em>expecting</em> a place setting of silver or any big gift seems like something to be avoided, no matter what. I can see why you would say that inviting 200 people and not feeding them at least heavy hors’d’oeuvres might seem like a gift grab.</p>
<p>"'Guests should take priority over things like fancier centerpieces and any cut offs should be consistent, ie all children of cousins or none."</p>
<p>I think it is insane to group people like that. You might be extremely close with one set of cousins and their kids, and some other set of cousins you barely know or see once a year. </p>
<p>So, who says it has to be a big expensive gift? It’s not in return for the party. (Remember the thread that included how some expect the cost of the gift matches the reception cost per plate?) So many kids register with Crate and Barrel or even Target, nowadays. (That actually embarasses me- teh cousin who would have been satisfied with a $12 corkscrew.) No disrespect intended, but if I were close to the family, I’d go even if there were no reception. And likely bring some celebratory gift, unless I was told not to. Now that I thnk about it, I have been m in my lifetime, to a few “church only” - not the receptions. (That is an old practice; I doubt many do that now.) It’s a different part of manners that says feed your guests, be aware how far some have traveled.</p>
<p>“With all due respect Massmomm: When invited to a wedding (large or small) one is expected to give a present. If it is in your tradition to have large weddings with punch and cake fine. But if it was me…I would definitely say no presents if I were having punch and cake… Two hundred people or 25 for a restaurant celebation. It kind of seems like a gift grab.”</p>
<p>I look at it another way. I went to a punch and cake reception (the couple was not Southern) for a young couple that had very little. It was in the mother’s backyard. The cake was homemade not because they were some fabulous bakers (beats me - it’s just cake) but that’s all they could afford to do. It was gracious and lovely within a modest budget. My response to that is to be more generous with my gift, because I knew that they didn’t have a lot and what was trivial to me would be appreciated by them. </p>
<p>I’ve been to receptions in church basements where we were just served cake & punch that did just feel like a gift grab.
(Hs cousin)
We stayed maybe 20 minutes.
I imagine the only reason we were even invited was because of the balancing of the guest list, or because more guests more presents?
It was a hundred years ago, (1977 actually) you should have seen the hair and the ruffles.</p>
<p>I was just going to serve cake & punch but since it was lunchtime my mil wisely suggested I serve lunch which was much more fun than dinner.</p>
<p>I think the Miss Manners rule is if the service is over at a mealtime. Don’t make them stand there drinking punch through lunch or dinner. </p>
<p>I invited my office (which was about 40 people), plus maybe 20 friends. H invited about 100 people (all the weddings he had attended), my folks invited about 750 and my inlaws invited about 150 or so. It worked out OK, but folks would have been sad if they couldn’t invite the people they wanted to have attend. My inlaws never were able to invite to any other large party, so they REALLY wanted to have guests that they had never been able to invite to other parties. Dad just loves large parties, and H felt he ought to invite those who invited him. I felt I ought to invite my office, since my firm was giving me many weeks of paid vacation for my honeymoon. Total guests attending was about 750 or so.</p>
<p>My brother also got married the same year and he & his bride restricted the guest list severely (they had a much smaller venue for their reception). I have no knowledge of who got to invite whom, nor who paid for what, but know it all worked out OK for everyone involved. Total guests at his wedding was about the capacity of the place at 400. </p>
<p>(my introvert head just exploded)</p>
<p>750 is a tough budget.</p>
<p>We didn’t have limos. I think S&DIL walked to the hotel afterwards (right down the street).</p>
<p>DIL had her parents, sister and two friends. We had a table of parental friends (who have known S1 all his life), a table & 1/2 of our family, and the rest were all friends of S & DIL. They decided +1s were OK if it encouraged people to come and dance. (Many of them are introverted sorts.) It worked. Since we were self-catering, there was not much marginal cost to adding more people, though we did wind up with more than we expected! It was all good…</p>
<p>They were also very specific about not wanting gifts. They had several charities on their website that were meaningful to them for folks who wanted to do something.</p>
<p>My sister just emailed me – my nephew and his longtime GF are getting married 7/5. I have work to do!! Am also going to help a couple other CCers this summer.</p>
<p>I calculated that we saved S & DIL (who were paying for it all) about $15,000. I was happy to do a lot of the legwork here (MD) for them (they are in CA) and had the time to do lots of DIY and find reasonable options. There were a number of things they were not into, which made some decisions easy.</p>