How do I send my son away to college?

<p>I have a junior son and we are looking at colleges. My S is a great kid, a kind, happy, easy going child. He is a pleasure to be around, has good friends and seems to be making good choices as far as drugs and drinking. </p>

<p>My problem? Academically he seems to shoot himself in the foot. Just when I think that everything is going well, he does something to make me question his maturity. He does fine in school as long as I am there to police things. If I am not on top of things he starts to let things slide. He has one class where he is the only junior and the rest of the class is seniors. He is the top of this class but the other day he told me he was starting to slack on his homework because “no one else cares, so why should I”. Because you have an easy A! DUH! Pre-Calc is getting harder, instead of asking questions and going to math lab, he just lets things slide until his grade starts sliding. I have a talk with him and things get better. He did really well 1st Semester, only receiving two B’s, the rest A’s. But instead of being motivated by this, he starts slacking off.</p>

<p>The question my H and I have been having, how do you send this child away to college. I know that he can do the work. He has a decent grade point, honors in math and science and okay scores on the PSAT. My S is shy and one of his problems is asking for help. Which I think will be a real problem once he gets to college. </p>

<p>Do boys somehow poof! mature once they get to college? Is my child going to be able to navigate the problems that going away will pose. Will being away from his mother and having no one to nag him, make him want to succeed on his own?</p>

<p>My H wonders if we should have our son stay home for a year to see if he can succeed. But I really want him to go away. I (and my H) believe that going away to school is the best thing that you can do for your child. But as my H says, he is not willing to flush money down the toilet!</p>

<p>Your first action is actually a non-action. Don’t faint when I say this, but you have to stop policing him and let him fall flat on his face. Let him know if he chooses to slack off he will be asking you to parent him - not by monitoring his homework anymore but by decreasing his standard of living. Tell him his main job and responsibility at this point is to learn and do the things the teacher requires of him, not unlike an actual job. If he chooses not to do this (and it <em>is</em> his choice), then set forth clear guidelines about the consequences, and be absolutely sure to follow through. It’s much better he experiment with failure, if he must and so chooses, now than when he’s in college. </p>

<p>I would also let him know that by choosing to slack off he is actually taking away his options - in 6-8 short months he will be filling out college applications, and by letting his grades drop he is deleting several college options. </p>

<p>Have you visited colleges and has he seen what he’d be missing? Can he spend a night on a campus as a campus visit?</p>

<p>All that said, I completely agree that he should go away, and preferably to either a good LAC or a in an honors dorm at a public university - he needs to be surrounded by a culture of getting the work done. This will not ensure he will study, but it does set up a “when in Rome” scenario. Our eldest, a sophomore in college, was quite immature before leaving and still struggles, but now only occasionally. We were amazed at how much he grew up in his first semester. When he was in high school my husband and I used to lay in bed at night and say to each other, “He’s never going to make it in college.” But grade-wise he’s doing fine - probably because that is the culture at his school. We still can’t believe he’s done so well and now we really only worry about him when he’s home and goes out at night. </p>

<p>I just thought of another personal story about our son. In February of his senior year he told me late one night that he was no longer sure about his first choice college where he’d been accepted in December EA. This was the same kid I could only get to look at THREE colleges, and begged him over the Christmas break four weeks prior to look at three more in-states so he could really comparison shop. I could have killed him. I crawled in bed that night, woke up my husband and told him what DS said. His response, “I’ll handle it inthe morning.” Next day he told me to say nothing in this meeting, sat our son down, and told him he didn’t have to go to the first-choice college if he didn’t want to - he could stay right in our city and go to the local U, where my H works and tuition would be free. He said he would be living on-campus, not at home, but that if he wasn’t sure about the away college he should let us know right now before we started paying for it, because we were going to be sacrificing a LOT to send him there. Then he went on to say he didn’t even have to go to college if he didn’t want to…we certainly couldn’t make him, and weren’t going to hold his hand to class. He told him, did WE think he should go to college? Absolutely, but this wasn’t our lives - it was his, and his decision alone. However, he went on to tell him if he decided not to go to college he needed to know one thing: come about the end of July after he’d been working his summer construction job for two months, we’d start going to yard sales and picking up furniture, but he was moving out one way or another in August. He’d be 18 years old - a man - and we expected him to act like one. Told him to let us know what he decided. Son just sat there and sulked through the whole thing. </p>

<p>For three days I was up all night thinking, “He’s going to take the apartment, he’s going to take the apartment.” But finally he just started talking about his first choice again and that was that, except for the night before we took him when he literally cried about leaving home. Happy ending: three weeks later I get a phone call, thanking us for seeing things he couldn’t see about what he needed. He loves his school now.</p>

<p>He still doesn’t like new situations, but that will be his nemesis from now on, not mine. He is aware of it.</p>

<p>My hunch is that many parents go through this with one kid or another. My second son will go happily off to college and probably never call. Go figure about the gene pool.</p>

<p>Oh, does that sound familiar…</p>

<h1>1 S is a sophomore in a mid-sized state U. You described his high school career to a “T.”</h1>

<p>How does he do in college?
1st semester, 1st year - Dean’s List.
2nd semester, 1st year - Major Slide.
1st semester, 2nd year - overload of credits and right down the drain.
Big discussion with M&D during Christmas holiday.
2nd semester, 2nd year - smaller credit load and claims things are under control. T/c to Dean to see what’s going on - not much to report due to “privacy concerns.”</p>

<p>When will he decide to work hard and discover that there is no shame in doing well in school? He is a good kid and has good friends.</p>

<p>If you discover the secret potion, please patent it and sell it for a lot of money - I will be the 1st in line to purchase.</p>

<p>You have a year and a half for him to mature. And wow, do things happen between 16 and 18! I sent an immature almost-17-year-old to college (against my better judgement, at his (and his father’s) insistence that he’d be fine). First visit: he’s struggling, his room is a mess, etc. First semester: passes everything. Second semester: does well. Third semester: turns 18, treats me like a human being for the first time in two years. Does well. Fourth semester: calls and is friendly; talks about courses, etc. (I’m too superstitious to say he’s doing well. But I think he might be.)</p>

<p>I say: give him a chance.</p>

<p>The best thing we ever did was send out son to the pre-college program at Duke last summer (after his junior year of HS). He took two Duke courses - with Duke students - and was totally on his own. If we were lucky he’d answer his cell phone once in awhile. He was up to the task. He got a B+ in Calculus and a B- in Public Speaking - both Duke courses. Before going he was a b/b+ student in HS - he got five A’s his senior year, first semester and is really on top of things. I’d recommend sending him to a pre-college program - lots of schools run them. It’ll give your son a sense of independence and responsibility. By the way, I suspect my son met a few nice Duke female students - but he doesn’t talk much about it.</p>

<p>

what are terrific story … congratulations. This is what college is about … it sounds like you sent a kid to college and a young man is coming back to visit this summer … how cool!</p>

<p>3togo: Thanks. He’s actually not <em>visiting</em> this summer; he’s planning on being home the entire summer and finishing his car. I’m looking forward to having him home.</p>

<p>oib1: great idea. My D went to one of those, and it gave her a LOT of confidence in her ability to handle things. (My S jumps into things; my D moves more cautiously.)</p>

<p>Oh man, Deb, I’m right there with you! I wrote an email to my (Junior) son’s g/c this morning saying that if my son doesn’t get some immediate and clear guidance from the school on academics, I really feel that he is at risk for dropping out of high school. </p>

<p>He announced last night that he wants to take the high school proficiency exam next month and not finish his final year of high school (next year). He feels that he’s done everything he needs to, and he wants to move on to college. That doesn’t sound too bad for a smart, talented kid, except that our local j/c is notoriously less challenging than his high school, and this is where he wants to go. Then, after 2 years, he thinks he can just transfer to UC BERKELEY. Well, I’d like to go back about 25 years and give my H a vasectomy for a wedding present, but that’s not going to happen, either! </p>

<p>I told him, “NO WAY.” Some battles are worth fighting, and as far as I’m concerned, this is one of the few I have left in me. We’ve had a year of civilized, calm emails between us, his counselor, and his teachers. We’ve stood by and watched while he experimented with failure, and sure enough, he failed two classes. He refused to drop them during the first quarter when we started to see signs of trouble, which btw, were a direct consequence of not doing the homework and not studying for tests. It’s hard to get by in Calc AB AP and foreign language (3) when you do that!</p>

<p>Instead of dropping the classes, he hung on past the deadline for dropping and assumed that his super-powers would eventually kick in. Didn’t happen. Progress reports are supposed to come out this week, so I’m guessing that he got bad news about his grades yesterday. He came home in a bad mood, which turned into hyperness later on. Now, I can see that he was practically giddy because he figured out that he could just bypass the rest of high school and go straight into college!</p>

<p>He’s had at least 3 girlfriends since last summer, and this is what I think is making him bonkers. The current g/f is a college freshman at a j/c a couple of hours away.</p>

<p>We put on an Academy Award performance and patiently explained to him what his life would be like if he tried to circumvent the rest of high school, something along the lines of what docmom just described…“These are YOUR choices,” and blah-blah about having his own apartment, we’d help with rent and college expenses, but he’d be on his own…blah-blah…gaps in learning that can’t be made up…maybe an interdistrict transfer…I think we covered the usual stuff. </p>

<p>I’ll wait to hear from his g/c. Talented kids who are used to having things come easily to them don’t know how to handle failure. He is focused on the classes that he tanked because he chose to pursue other interests (girls), and he’s ignoring the other 5 classes where he’s actually doing pretty well. His other classes average out to a B- non-weighted, one class is an AP and another is Physics. He won’t consider a plan to dig himself out of the hole, because he’d have to admit that he failed a couple of classes. He’d rather just chuck the whole deal and start over. It’s an indication of his immaturity and another reason why he’s not ready for college. :mad: Otherwise, he seems happy and has a normal social life. On four hours of sleep, this is all I can come up with!</p>

<p>Story of my life with the boys. I am living it right now. Holding my breath with S3, as he has made a good start, but I do not see him studying and organizing his notebooks as he should to optimize his position in this rigorous school. S2 pulled a D on his midsemester grades–is accepted to Yale, and is now under lockdown to get his Calc grade up or he is going to have a real problem. His choice to shoot himself in the foot and lose his freedom—again his last term senior year. I have a tutor for him and enforced study time and am monitoring his notebooks. We have done this drill several times. Do I worry about how he will do in college? You bet. But I can’t come up with a better idea as to what to do with him. We bought into a musical theatre program which is has the activities he best likes to do, and went through very expensive and arduous auditions throughout the fall, was accepted to some programs, and decided to go more the academic route. His test scores are absolute tops and last year we sat on him all year to get the grades he ended up with after a disasterous first term. Thank god his school only reports the year end grades or he would have been sunk as some of his quarters show every letter of the grade alphabet. I do not see how we can have him pass up this fabulous opportunity, but, yes, I worry whether with his attitude and lack of work ethic, he will be able to pull it off. </p>

<p>S1 was no better. He was at best a B/C student with a downward trend freshman and sophomore year, only at that level because I would intervene when the D’s started to show up. We moved midway through highschool and going to a grade inflated school after a rigorous grade deflated school zoomed his average up but access to the quarterly grades would show a definite downward trend as he got to know other slackers at the school and started spending less time with his studies. His test scores were very good and he was an athlete, so he did get into some selective schools. Had a tough time at college, but managed to squeak through, though one term he did flunk a major course that left a huge hole in his transcript and he had to go to summer school retaking that course and taking another course so he would not be behind in graduation. I wouldn’t have bet a dime that he was graduating and did not really believe it until I saw the diploma. I don’t even know if he was 100% sure. He has a C average in college which may be a problem if he decides to go for a more advanced degree program, but right now he has a good paying job, coaches as well and is taking two business courses each term paid for by his company, and he has aced the first two that he took last term. As far as personal maturitiy, H had to throw him out of the house this summer as he reaked so much havoc on our household. We saw him Christmas and Thanksgiving, and he was extremely unpleasant, to the point of rudeness; don’t even know why he bothered to join us. Did all the things he could to annoy me. </p>

<p>Docmom, I have copied your post and am keeping in in my files. I think your H is ever so wise. We could, should would have had that talk many times over with our kids. We have kept the acceptance from our state U which is within a half hour from home, and if things don’t go well, S2 will go there. H and I are in full agreement that he needs to get out of here and figure things out. He is an intelligent, talented, engaging young man, but has not grown up in many ways and developed some unfortunate attitudes and not developed a proper work ethic. The real world is going to have to show him the consequences of his way of life, as he has ignored us in this regard for years. The comfort I have is that I am sending out with the right way of doing things patterned in his mind as we have taught him. He just needs to learn and to do. It is not as though he was not taught. So he has all of the tools for success, just has to use them. </p>

<p>It took my nephew many years to figure it out as well. He was 20 before he went away to college and he burned out a number of local options for two years before he left us. We probably should have sent him away earlier, but for him there were some extenuating circumstances, and I felt he needed more time to learn the rudiments of life. It was not a happy time for any of us. I always felt it was due to his upbringing and unfortunate situations that it took him time to adjust but my own kids have not been much better, and they were raised in a 2 parent home where mcuh the focus was on them. Though some may say that was the problem, our household was a big one so, really it was not as though they were pampered or had individual focus. They were raised in an environment where academic and cultural things were considered important implicitly, and we naturally spent our time on those things. Thousands of books, afternoons in the library, much music, many plays and shows, museums, college events–we always lived in a college community with little money but very rich in those resources. It was a kick in our faces that the boys performed so poorly given this background. They were taught how to study, how to take notes, how to organize notebooks. I tutor, and am pretty good at it, so any problem areas were immediately addressed. Were they reacting in defiance to this background? Who the heck knows? What more could we do? </p>

<p>I think in part it is maturity. None of them have the maturity they should have for their ages. Some of it is attention deficit disorder, I am convinced, though our househod really structured school work so that anyone with this problem is in optimum shape. A lot of it is personality and high testoterone, I am sure. Believe me, if anyone has the potion, I want some. I can honestly say these guys have aged me five years for every one I have spent on them.</p>

<p>

[quote=dmd77]
You have a year and a half for him to mature. And wow, do things happen between 16 and 18!

[quote]
</p>

<p>I echo that comment. Our S, for whom schoolwork and study habits were not a problem, went through major maturation from 17 to 18. Granted, my parenting experience is limited, but I’ll bet that this is not unusual. It’ll be another year before the time comes around to actually have to decide where your S is going to go to school. Between now and then there will be enough time for him to come to realize that (a) junior year grades count for a lot when it comes to college admissions, (b) keeping those grades up during senior year is going to be expected by any good college and (c) other kids are going to be doing their best on (a) and (b) so he’d better get consistent if he wants to stay up with them.</p>

<p>The other thing, as was alluded to, is that you should use the time between now and Fall 2006 to let back on the policing. When I was in college, way back in the Dark Ages, my classmates who had the most difficult time adjusting were those who came from the most controlled situations. Your S needs to get some experience in taking responsibilty for his work, and this is the perfect time to ease off and let him find the way to do it.</p>

<p>That’s my HO.</p>

<p>To add, see what his thoughts on college are.If he is a junior you should be on the college search together now. If you are not, sit with him and work on it, like go through his college mail together. Also, you could warn him about your concerns for him. And take him to see some commuter colleges and ask his opinion of them.I wouldn’t just say, ‘no you are not going away.’ but maybe, ‘can you show us why we would let you go away.’ Also, work with your husband on this with him.You need more help and maybe even your husband’s perspective could be helpful, too.</p>

<p>jamimom- I only want to comment on the second to last paragraph, about teaching your sons how to takes notes, organize notebooks, etc. Study habits are individual. My school all through middle school and freshman year emphasized “organization” Lots of notebook checks, very structured. I discovered that what my teachers thought was “organized” was not what I consider organized. Of course, being a girl and an eternal “pleaser”, I arranged my notebooks as per their parameters. Meanwhile, my male classmates followed the tried and true “textbook full of papers for a binder” method. They did as well in everything (except the notebook checks) as I did. And when the incessant hand-holding quit in 10th grade, I developed a completely different style of organization, one that works much better for me. I never was able to feel organized with my teachers’ plans, even though I had all my papers listed in a table of contents. It just wasn’t my style. Essentially, for boys or girls, organization (in school and in life) just happens, with maturity maybe. I don’t (from my own experiences) think that it can be taught or forced on anyone to great effectiveness.</p>

<p>Oh deb! Your S and mine are so much alike. Have hope. They do better than you think they will. My S went off to a magnet residential school in 11th grade (he is a senior now) and I was so nervous - could not imagine how this “foot shooter” would make it - how would he get up in the morning even?? You would be surprised what they can actually do when it’s all up to them. Being away has been great for my S. He still does the foot-shooting routine periodically, but from reading the above posts, this is not uncommon - especially with teen males.
I thought the suggestion for a summer precollege program was a good one for your S. Let him get a taste of what will be expected, on his own. Good luck and don’t give up!</p>

<p>Totally agree with the advice to send him to a summer program and see how he does.</p>

<p>Oh, and here’s one more encouraging anecdote. My sister’s husband, a cardiothoracic surgeon, was a C- student and ranked in the bottom third of his class in high school. Went away to a large public U one state over and jokes now that he probably only got admitted because they wanted the out of state tuition. He did okay freshman year. Sophomore year tells his parents he’s decided to go to med school. They were like, “John, you should consider dental school, how about dental school?” - certain he did not have the academic prowess to get through med school. I’m sure they were unsure he’d get through undergrad. But…from that point on he got very good grades, got into med school, great marks in med school and then decided to go into surgery and ultimately cardiothoracic surgery. They now live in the same suburb community he was raised in, and my sister loves when she meets someone who knew him from high school. They always ask what he’s doing, and she says he’s a doctor which almost makes them faint. She never says his specialty because she’s sure they’d think they are thinking of different people.</p>

<p>I love this story. It shows that when a kid gets turned onto something they WILL self-direct and they will succeed.</p>

<p>Docmom-
That is a great story. Your brother-in-law may have been victim in HS to what sluggbugg describes-- when the boys become victims of “fumes” (car fumes and perfumes). I sympathize with you guys. What a challenge. I count my lucky stars that s #1 was one of those super motivated grinds. I remember once following him down the hall to get the magazine that had come in that day’s mail-- wanting to hold it 'til he got his work done. I stopped dead in my tracks, said to myself ,“geez- the magazine is Popular Science. This is a nice problem to have”, and let it go. He also wanted to take the SAT’s a second time to see if he could get a perfect score (he “only” got a 1570- 800 M, 770V, and wanted to “pull up” the verbal. I told him, in essence, to move on to other things)</p>

<p>S#2 is a different story. Much more interested in the social events, xbox and Texas Hold’em than the academics. Is almost embarassed when he does really well. My only hope is that he’s been hearing all these great stories from older bro. about how great college is, and right now s #2 is intrigued with college #1 is attending (and he knows with mediocre grades he has NO chance of getting in). Not sure when we’ll send him on his own to visit his big bro (both are currently freshmen, 4 yrs apart). If s#1 doesn’t get pushed off campus next yr (it happens to a lot of the sophs at his school) we’ll probably let him go then. Let him get a taste of the good life… </p>

<p>My fingers are crossed for all of you with kids causing premature gray hair. Hang in there.</p>

<p>College is a great step in order to gain money!</p>

<p>Hey!! a new poster-- first post!! Welcome ProudAsianMom!</p>

<p>jym: hate to say it here on CC, but if your #2 has a real aptitude for Texas Hold 'em, he’ll do a lot better than most of our kids! (LOL, maybe)</p>

<p>Dadofsam-
Don’t scare me like that!! :eek:</p>

<p>Someone posted on another thread a month or so ago that their son actually became a successful professional gambler!!! What are the odds of that?? (pun intended).</p>

<p>Hey-- if my kid really succeeds in Poker, he can take care of me in my old age (which ought to be in a few months, the way I am going :slight_smile: ) . Of course, the flip side of that is that he’ll likely get bored with poker and move onto something else. The motivation to stick with something is also lacking…</p>