How do I send my son away to college?

Parent Cafe
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<p>To the OP - this kiddo needs to have everything put in front of him - all options on the table - and then he needs to be allowed to make some choices of his own. At the age he is right now his maturity level is definitely in question - as it should be according to the homone levels of a 16 yo teen boy. You will see major changes in him over the next 2 years - but he needs to get onto the road to maturity on his own terms - tho with the knowledge in hand that his choices/actions will have outcomes that he for the most part determines. </p>

<p>You need to stop the hand holding and let him manage his high school career on his own from now on - cuz you certainly won’t be there when he is in charge of himself in college. If he fails - he learns - and if he succeeds - he also learns - so let him learn. It is hard for some to cut the strings to their kiddos but it really has to be done - and better to do it over a somewhat controlled period of time than to just let him go off on his own one day in about 18 months at some college campus.</p>

<p>He will be ready for college - scary thought I know - been there - but have faith - he will succeed - even if borderline at first - he will, so let him - teach him now - let him go a bit - reel out the line and he will learn how to cut it one day.</p>

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<p>Thanks everybody, at least I know I have company in my misery. Very good comments and suggestions. I love the idea about a summer program. </p>

<p>I also understand about letting him fail. It seems so easy in theory, but so hard to execute! My S has come so far since JH, he needs to mature further to succeed in college. I am hoping for a lot of maturing in the next year and a half.</p>

<p>His friends seem the same way. You know typical boy, sleep until noon, x box and poker parties. I often wonder why girls don’t rule the world!</p>

<p>I think that a lot of my S’s problems are shyness. He goes to a small school and everyone is very helpful and still he has problems asking for help. His English teacher is great and is working with him on this. I hear that Jr. English is a great awaking for these kids. I hope so!</p>

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<p>

Third “second” to that quote. Adding this redundant post, OP, so you know that it is not just a rare few boys for whom this happens. My S had some, not all, of the characteristics of yours, including the shyness, but he has grown and grown in managing his own academic affairs. Have hope! Lots of great advice in posts above me, but want you to know that many, not just a few of us have seen this maturation in the last 1 1/2 hs years.</p>

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<p>Deb, I wouldn’t give up on the nudge system just yet. Call it encouraging, nagging, bribing, berating – whatever – some kids need it more than others. From my own son’s experience junior year was a real nadir of self motivation and a time of great family stress and social distraction. Somehow or other (the somehow included a lot of parental involvement) he made it through highschool and got into a selective and rigorous college, thousands of miles away from home. First year was academically dicey (though socially successful). He did okay gradewise but suffered from his poor organizational skills and rampant procrastination. Now, well into year two, he’s finally turned the corner and understands that putting it off is actually harder than just plunging in. It helps A LOT that he goes to an LAC with a well developed and accessible support system, both from the faculty and the other kids. </p>

<p>Reluctance to ask for help is a big obstacle to overcome. Again, the smaller colleges tend to excel in this area as they not only offer a lot of opportunities for interaction between students and teachers, but the teachers are often proactive in chasing down kids who are sliding off course. This is not to be confused with handholding. They still have high standards and expectations, but they are watchful and engaged and can reach out to a kid who may not seek help him/herself. For example, one of my son’s professors kicked back a paper and asked him to rework it. He said that if the assignment wasn’t well understood it must have been partly his fault as a teacher and he wanted to offer further explanation of his objectives.</p>

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<p>my sister is the same way. if she actually tried she would do great in school. our high school started this thing where the parents have a username and password and they can login and check the grades of their students in certain classes (depending on which teachers are participating). my parents never really had a need to check the grades, except last quarter my sister brought home a “midquarter report” because she had a D in biology, so my mom went online, and she had like a 0 out of 80 for homeworks in biology! her test grades were fine, she obviously knew the stuff… and she would do the homework but leave it at home, or she’d leave it in her locker and not bring it home, and be afraid to tell my parents… stuff like that. after a nice talking she’s doing much better now. My dad says the same thing though, like how can he send her off to college if she’s either a. not going to do anything, or b. going to do it and not hand it in. so i guess we’ll see what happens with that one. :)</p>

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<p>Momrath, but wouldn’t you rather he flop a little at home, under your eyes? Yes, your son got into a good LAC, and yes he failed a little and then picked it up on his own. But I think all of us know many more stories of kids who went away and flat out bombed in the personal responsibility department. My guess is your situation was not too bad to start with (basically a kid with at least some sense of self-direction). I don’t think those of us advocating giving him some rope to make his own decisions are saying to bow out of his parenting altogether, in fact trying hard in school is his one main responsibility, right? And what do parents do when kids don’t take care of their duties? We “parent” - set in place concrete consequences which guide them so they get a sense of the real world.</p>

<p>When my second son was a freshman his second semester I emailed teachers weekly for a report: was his homework all turned in on time and was he performing in a satisfactory manner? If so, his priviledges for the next week were intact. If not, well, he spent some quality time with the family :slight_smile: This system got old for him in about four weeks. This year he is <em>much</em> better - in fact almost perfect - at self-direction and his grades are much better and without any input from me other than, “Is your homework done?” I think my son feels much better and much more mature about his study choices this year - even though it was our system last year that kind of forced the issue.</p>

<p>I guess I think that in weighing the risks/benefits, pushing, constantly reminding, cajoling, etc. might actually be handicapping most kids.</p>

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<p>Docmom, thanks for the story about your BIL. So, there IS hope! :slight_smile: And, ITA with your last comment about handicapping. The more we do for older teens, the less they do for themselves, generally speaking. </p>

<p>Momrath, I’m with you on the occasional nudging, too. The really tricky thing about being the parent of an older teenager is knowing when to push and when to let go. Parenting becomes a Mobius strip of pushing and letting go. Sometimes, it seems like the best thing to do is both, a little pushing and a lot of letting go. </p>

<p>On a summer college program…watch out. It depends on the kid. My H spent a summer at the University of Illinois during the summer of his soph year. His parents were both teachers, and while they participated in educational seminars, he lived on campus and went to a summer science program. Great experience! </p>

<p>So, when our S wanted to go to summer school again last summer, we all decided that a summer program on a university campus was a good idea. He had been to summer camps and lived away from home, and it seemed like a good idea to get him motivated toward college. We also thought that he’d connect with other h/s students who were college-bound, and this would get him more enthused about college. He was 16-1/2 yrs old at the time and seemed ready to take on more responsibility. He was in an 8-wk program, 15 units of college credits.</p>

<p>Turns out there are more college slackers in summer school than we thought. Our S made friends easily and connected with the older college students. All I can tell you is that it was the worst parenting mistake we have ever made. Our son seemed mature and ready to take this step, but the a**holes he hooked up with were unbelievably irresponsible. He got a taste of the freedom that they were used to, and when he had to go back to high school last Fall, we had a job on our hands. </p>

<p>I attribute most of the problems he’s had this year to last summer’s college program. Our son was ready for more freedom, but he got too much too soon at a time when he was in flux, and we really had no way of predicting the outcome. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and we were only a couple of hours away. We made regular visits and stayed in touch. But, he was being led by 20-year olds who had no regard for how young he really was.</p>

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<p>I think sometimes the momentum of going away to college with all of his peers wakes them up a bit. Then it truly is sink or swim. If they can’t cut it, then a careful examination of the problems is in order. Sometimes they don’t feel they need to do much with the parental safety net around them. I have a dozen theories, but really no solution. I know I am hoping a lot for mine.</p>

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<p>I can’t even savor my son’s acceptances to colleges (well, maybe we did for 2 days) because we are so worried about how he can possibly succeed in college based on what we have seen in HS.</p>

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<p>There is a recent study that indicates the part of the brain that manages risk matures around the age of 25…so, the bad news is you have several more years of nudging, reinforcing, encouraging, raising your child… the good news is that he will benefit from your support and assistance as he matures into an adult…</p>

<p>we found a summer program to be a great vehicle for demonstrating our support for our son, our willingness to “sacrifice” for him…make him a priority…and give him a chance to grow on his own… the mom who posted that her son met kids who led him astray, makes a good point in reminding all of us to do the research about the program, getting references etc… some are tightly managed/chaperoned, others are not… even with the best program in the world, the combination of kids, location, free time etc could be lethal…and result in a major setback…our son contributed to the cost of his program so he had an “ownership” stake in the results himself…</p>

<p>I can only tell you that my experience was to try and have conversations about goals and priorities when there was not something immediately at stake…ie no specific paper or bad grade etc… </p>

<p>One specific instance we went thru was the timeline for applying for a winter ski instructor job… the information went in the mail to all the kids who had trained and I reminded my son of the dates… and on the last day at 4:30 pm I debated if I should remind him one last time…I finally decided to and he made the last minute call and it turned out to provide him with a winter job for junior and senior year in HS and he learned, he loved it, got to be part of behind the scenes at the mountain… and I have no regrets for my nudge…or shove…and it serves as a very specific example for us of the give and take between parent and child…</p>

<p>Another option might be to explore a “mentor” at school…someone else with a position of authority or influence who can take a more proactive role in nudging your child? We wanted our guy to take a more difficult course load than normal junior year and so we met with guidance on how to fit it all into the schedule…and the guidance counselor definitely thought we were “pushing” our son…so he asked our guy if he really was up for the challenge…in my opinion, it was a defining momentfor our child to realize that it was his call…he could opt up or opt down…the counselor reviewed his courses and grades prior to junior year and told him he appeared to be capable of the work…was he willing to do the work? </p>

<p>Just surround him with good role models if possible…expose him to folks who are getting the job done…and celebrate big and little gains…if he is shy and won’t ask for help, then perhaps ask him each week “what are the 3 things I can do to help you this week?” or “what are your biggest challenges this week, or in this course etc” along with a discussion of last weeks challenges and how they have worked out looking back on the previous week…I know that none of this may work, but I throw it out there cause our child procrastinated up until the night before as a HS freshman and was absolutely a different child by 2nd semester junior year…and not getting into NHS as a junior was a bit of a jolt that made him angry and kind of kick started him from outside the family!</p>

<p>Some colleges have minimum GPA reqmts to keep your scholarships… maybe try and define how much you and he value the cost of college by agreeing on a minimum GPA so that you don’t “flush money down the toilet” </p>

<p>One of the threads last year dealt with a child who wanted to leave college and the mom built a spread sheet with what it costs to live…along with what one could earn with a HS degree, a two year degree and a 4 year degree … etc…and my recollection was that it helped quantify the value of staying focused and doing well in school… another case of a parental nudge at the right time assisting in the maturation of the child… </p>

<p>Overall, it sounds to me like your guy has all the tools, he just needs to understand that these are important years… one of the local mom’s who has raised 4 boys tells her guys, “you are making your bed, and you are gonna be sleeping at home, YOU have to work harder to get a bed at XYZ school” … </p>

<p>don’t forget to really see all that is good in him…believe in him and let him know that you see all the good… I have a “people sculpture” in my kitchen that says “There has never been a day when I have not been proud of you, I said to my son. Though some days I am louder about other stuff so it’s easy to miss that.” I have it for my boys to see…and to remind me to say I am proud more often, don’t assume he knows. Cause the truth is I am proud of being their mother EVERY day. Even those days that are disappointing… it could be worse…so I adjust my own attitude. </p>

<p>Keep the faith…</p>

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<p>On the “hover-nudge-let em flop” continuum I am moving towards the right over time. By the time my daughter goes off to college in 8 years she will probably know all about what is on CC, and I will know nothing…Why? Because the message that I sent(until a few years ago) by hovering is that they are not capable of doing it themselves, and that mistakes are to be avoided. Now that I have backed off (I am usually half way between nudge and let-em-flop) the kids are self evaluating more, making choices for themselves which are tough but for which they will live with the consequences, and they are still doing just as well as they did before. I reserve nudges for situations with fixed consequences which I deem significant only. Daughter decided to not go to choir, she wrote to the choir teacher to explain why. Son decided to not take the lead role in upcoming musical (gulp), he went to talk to the director. Son started struggling in the 2nd half of first semester calculus II in college- he decided not to pursue tutoring, got the first truly low grade of his life, and learned a real lesson about self advocacy…</p>

<p>Assuming your child has no specific reason why the effort is variable AND assuming there is something he does well and with great passion, I would back off…</p>

<p>I would offer an alternative to the college-on-campus summer option…My son did a volunteer program between Jr and Sr year which lit him up in a way no campus experience would have. (he had taken 7 classes, 4 AP or IB in Jr year, no way he was taking a summer class) He worked hard (manual labor mostly), took care of himself and others and came home with a huge sense of accomplishment. He was a “late bloomer” in many accounts, his senior year was a breeze in terms of self motivation, and I think this was largely due to the broadening of his sense of self (not deepening of academic skills).</p>

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<p>This conversation brings to mind my favorite Howard Stern comment. He said his mother “raised him like a veal,” (alluding to those PETA photos that show the calf in the movement restricting pen). Needless to say there was a reaction in later life.</p>

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<p>This thread is very helpful to me, not so much because I am worried about S succeeding next year, but because I am a real helicopter mom and find it very hard to backoff and let S take charge. S has even started to tell me that my nagging - aside from annoying him no end - is counterproductive, given that he’ll have to manage on his own next year. By nagging, he means my concern that he get his work done. Such as, “When do you plan to do your homework if you will be busy with such and such after practice?” As in, “You really must get a draft of that essay done tonight - the due date is fast approaching!” Or “Did you send those thank yous yet to the people we met on the college trip?”</p>

<p>I have managed to back off some from previous years, when I had him make and prioritize To Do lists, so both he (and I!) would have a handle on what needed doing. I no longer check up on him while he is upstairs doing homework. Most of the battles are around whether he really has time to (fill in the blank). </p>

<p>I know I should just shut up and let him sink or swim But even when I promise myself I will back off and keep quiet, I can’t seem to let him experience some natural consequences. How do you all manage to follow your own advice? I sure could use some pointers…</p>

<p>If I can say one thing in my defense, I was similarly aware of what D needed to do. And when she fell apart, overwhelmed, a few weeks into freshman year in college, she told me that when she managed to calm herself down, she asked herself “What would mom suggest?” and went on to prioritize her work, much as I helped her do in HS. She did great in college.</p>

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<p>Tried to edit but I guess the time expired.</p>

<p>Just two more quick points - S now makes his own To Do lists, so maybe that wasn’t so bad after all. And I had decided, even before reading this thread, that as of tomorrow, I would not be getting him up. He has a hard time getting up and I invariably find myself rousing him and hurrying him along, despite his clock which is set to wake him with loud music. I just hate to see him arrive late to school. I am hoping that this thread will give me courage to let him, as I said above, sink or swim - or, as the case may be, sleep! Wish me luck in the morning!</p>

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<p>wish<em>it</em>was_april…
I woke son #2 until senior year at which point I told him I wouldn’t since I certainly wasn’t going to call him at college each day! Surprise, he woke himself and never was late to school. He was late once first semester in college and the professor assigned him an extra paper…my son won’t do that again! Yeah Grinnell!</p>

<p>Even though the prefrontal lobe is still developing, the reality is that the expectations of the environment impact the development of functionality of the brain. If kids are never exposed to the requirement to function in a certain way, then the brain may never develop to the extent that it is capable of meeting expectation…and then it becomes a feedback loop of trouble. </p>

<p>When I was younger and not nearly as wise as I am now my mother in law (always wise!) asked what my goals were as a parent. I told her that I wanted my kids to have both successes and failures when they were still in the home. I had seen plenty of kids in college who had never met a B, never been anything but tip top and never make a mistake- topple mightily. It is nice when the parent is there to remind them how terrific they are, how we all learn from mistakes and how are problems have specific explanations and solutions. Practice makes perfect, let them practice when they are young!!</p>

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<p>Each parent has to come up with a regiment that is tolerable. Not amenable, mind you, as these is not an amenable situation. It’s well and good if your son woke himself up. My friend’s son did not. He missed the bus, and when she said he needed to figure it out, he went back to bed. And so it went for a week. He had to withdraw from the private school he was in and she had just put down some money that year to have him put in a tutoring program there to get him organized. Her psychologist had told her to let him figure it out. Within a month, it became clear that the bottom was waaaay lower than she had anticipated, and the advice did not hold for him. He was put into a small catholic school nearby and driven door to door till he graduated there, sleeping to the end. She had to micro manage, nag and wheedle his way to graduation. </p>

<p>He went to college and after the first dismal semester, he decided he did NOT want to come back home which was what was going to happen., He loved the social life, independence, everything there which he would lose if he did not gear up. It took him an extra year, but he did graduate, find a niche for himself, and yes, he did figure out how to get up in the morning. Friend was just going to get him an apartement and move him out if he flunked out, as she was absolutely not going to have him sleeping all day, watching tv and eating cereal as he did so in her house. She could not bear that scene, and he was not coming back. That was what he did on any possible day he could at home. </p>

<p>As I said earlier, the momentum and peer pressure sometimes come into play at college, and these are not dumb kids. They do hear what you are saying and some of it does stay in the brain for retrieval if they care to take the advice, but they may need the distance and some free will to dig into those files. There is no one size fits all advice.</p>

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<p>See here is where, to me, your friend made a fatal mistake: In the very beginning she let him go back to sleep! She should have immediately had a list of stuff she needed done around the house and then set him to it. This is called making him an offer (go to school) he can’t (or won’t) refuse, at least after he learns what happens at home if he misses the bus. When my eldest was in third grade he dawdled every morning and <em>I</em> was in a panic getting him on the bus. When I decided to stop owning this problem and make him own it, I let him miss the bus, and then he had a bunch of chores to get done for me the rest of the day. Seriously, he never missed the bus again, and this was third grade.</p>

<p>I also found it interesting that the kid was allowed to sleep until whenever, watch tv and eat cereal all day. Wow. Who’s running the show in that house? On any given day there are many things our kids can do to contribute to the health and welfare of our home and family. We make mistakes often with our kids and we joke with the older ones that we know we probably are screwing something major up but we’ll all just have to wait 20 years until we’re in family counseling to figure out what we’re doing wrong. So I’m not saying we get anywhere near 100% of it right, but how your friend raised that son would be, to me, kind of unconscionable. She certainly did him no favors by expecting so little out of him both at home and at school. Nagging and constantly nudging is not truly raising expectations, it’s just words with no beef behind them. Parenting is not just words; quite often it requires action.</p>

<p>Let me also add that I do, occasionally, remind or ask, but only as long as generally and most often the kid handles things on their own. But I won’t get into a pattern of doing it over and over with the same kid over the same issues. I also like to be reminded of things - often by my kids! - but it’s not like they have to remind me to make dinner every night or attend to any of my other responsibilities.</p>

<p>I think it’s important that there be a parent-determined consequence for kids who make poor decisions. This mom just kind of dropped out and then there were monumental consequences for the kid. I mean, they are still kids, and I keep reminding myself it is their job to test the waters and ours to guide them along by whatever means, but usually with consequences. What this mom did is absolutely <em>not</em> the kind of letting go I’m talking about. But I will say at least this mom had the courage and self-preservation to not let him move home - bravo for that.</p>

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<p>When you work and are a single mother and have a big lug of a 16 year old boy on your sofa, there is not too much you can do. There were some very ugly scenes at that house that involved police and child services. The kid has turned out to be an exemplary adult but if this mom had pushed too much harder, he would have had a juvenile record. He was truly at a teetering point. When you have a kid who won’t do something at that age, it is very trick to deal with these kids. Truancy is a big problem among teenage boys, and I would not make staying home, even to do chore a choice without thinking it over very carefully. My boys have been problems at school too, but one thing I never permitted was to miss a day of school unless it was absolutely warrented, so they were patterned to believe it was sacrosanct. Any give in that area could be deadly as I know several boys who flunked out because they did not show up for classes in college as they did not think it was that big of a deal. It’s wonderful to give “Mental Health” days off for kids, but if you have the wrong kind of kid, it can be dangerous. The same with things like getting them comfortable going into your purse, taking out your wallet and handing you or taking money or credit cards. Twice I said something to friends who let their kids do this, both times they took umbrage since their kids were so trustworthy, and both kids later found it very comfortable to “borrow” from mom. Not saying every kid is that way, but it is better to keep some things under wraps especially with high testosterone, surly boys. They can and generally will come out of that stage, but you do want to exercise damage control. </p>

<p>Also if a kid misses a day of school, it isn’t that easy to bring him back in with an excused absence. Some of these kids are already on the edge as far as missed assignments and low grades, and it is too easy to really dig yourself a grave that way. I have found that giving work assignments is easy; making sure they are done properly is not. My boys need a straw boss, and there are times I cannot do that role. Heck,I’ve lost a freezer load of food because one kid did not close the door after I sent him down for a package of ground beef. I 've nearly lost garbage service the way my kids have left the trash out. Some kids are difficult to raise. This young man whom I have known since kindergarten did go through a very difficult adolesence as did some of my boys, but he has since grown up to be a wonderful young man despite the hell he put everyone through those days. The other child in the family was a whole different story, having gone graduated summa cum laude, earned the Phi Beta Kappa key, and is now in law school. No problems getting that one up out of bed in the morning. But the other one would not budge, would not do what he was told, and it really took some manipulating to get him through those years, and any heavy handed tactics put him back. Had things been cleverly managed from the onset of this, it may have been possible that he would have had better college choices, but in this case the mom was relieved he got in, stayed in and is not working a decent job. There are a number of his peers that did not get that far.</p>

<p>I was alternately labeled indulgent and too severe with my nephew, and probably was. But a goodly number of his peers have not finished college, and even more not so gainfully employed. A lot of the tsk, tskers now can call him Dr., as he has completed medical school, finished a prestigious residency and will embark on a fellowship. He will go into medical research. 15 years ago, he was headed for a whole different sort of institutions, and it was truly touch and go with him. A head on confrontation would have probably damaged his options terribly, and the many moms who let their sons stay home and do errands or not do their homework and go to school empty handed were chastened to learn that such a life could become the comfort level for these boys at that age. Yes, for some kids it would work. But not others, and therein is the trick. You have to know which way to go. A friend I know sent her son to work with her brother who does back breaking manual labor, roofing, I believe, so he could see the consequences of not continuing in school. Kid did not want to return, and found a seedy place to live with some other workers, and got into that life. Beat going to school at that time. She now has that one married with 3 kids, and really unable to support his family as he got injured–no insurance, and those grandchildren are the ones who are suffering. This in a family where the other two siblings caused no problems and went to college. That boy was the recalitrant one, and he really did not need to be given any other options other than to go to school, as he so hated to do the schoolwork that he needed to feel that it was the only way to go for him to barely do it.</p>

<p>My three youngest have a host of learning/behavioural problems, and I can tell you they do not have alternatives to going to school. If they miss the bus, I get them there asap. Being late is considered terrible. So far that is the way the are programmed. But I can tell you that if I have to leave the house, and they are supposed to be studing or doing homework-when the cat’s away, the mice do play. So they constantly have to be brought back in line. When they leave home, hopefully they love the freedom of college enough that they well understand that the financial support ends if they do not do the work to stay in there, and that the alternative is an unknown that they are not eager to seek considering all the play and vices college offers in exchange for a little school work which they have been accustomed to doing all of their lives. That has been the selling point each time, I believe as none of my boys jumped into college, eager to tackle the academics. But patterning and working with them at home so they feel this is the norm, at least gives them some good alternatives for college. I have one accepted to Yale right now, and I do believe that there is a bit of a fear of losing this goody, that is making him do just a little bit more than he would be, as senioritus has hit heavily at his school, and he is sitting with a “D” at midyear in a course that he had better bring up. They do understand when they get something “good” and do not wnat to lose it. So each of them felt about college. But every one of mine would have preferred to stay home and done the most horrible work here with me supervising every bit of it, to going to school any given day. And they were that way from third grade or even younger, I am afraid. Perhaps I did not bring them up the right way, but I can tell you that I have 5 who have all been accepted in competitive programs despite their dragging their feet, and the ones who have gone off to college did manage to fly solo as dismally as they did at home.</p>

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<p>jamimom,
Of course there is no single answer. Every child and family are different. However, even when a higher level of extrinsic support is needed (a disorganized kid with attention issues, for example) kids must be held accountable for the consequences of their actions. The boy you mentioned was coddled along- he didn’t have any reason to feel responsible for the bad, probably felt that when good things happened it was just luck. This pattern makes people feel helpless and depressed. Accountability is part and parcel of every successful adult life, and while the prevailing opinion might suggest otherwise, adolescence and high school are in fact a training ground for life, not just college. </p>

<p>Money spent on a private school, an apartment, a semester of college (really?) waiting and hoping for the motivation or impetus to kick in could have been better much better spent figuring out what in the world gave this boy such a lack of interest in school, and what he was really interested in. </p>

<p>If your story is meant to suggest that parents should support, support, support-- then I am not sure that I get the punch line.</p>

<p>So, what was the turning point??</p>

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<p>Thanks, everyone, for your perspectives. Reading them has made me feel a little better in being a safety net of sorts for S. He also atttends a very competitive private school and missing class/arriving late has serious consequences that I have only felt can make things worse. I am realizing that it is a careful balancing act that requires each parent to make their best guess at what to do. S is a very successful kid and would probably do just fine without my interceding. I must keep reminding myself of that. Knowing I would have to “report” to you all this morning did help me keep my vow to stay out of it as much as I could. I feel like we did make some progress.</p>

<p>While I haven’t been perfect this morning (I peeked in and looked for some sign of life, got one, and reminded S he is on his own) I have not gone in multiple times or suggested he notice the time. I just heard the water go on and judging from what time it is now, he will surely be late today. I am troubled but to my surprise, it actually does feel calmer than all the screaming (“Get UP!” “Go the **** away!”, etc.) </p>

<p>I will reread all of your posts later in the day - meanwhile if I don’t get myself moving, I’ll end up being late too!</p>