<p>Dizzymom, I have been in a similar situation, but it seems to have worked itself out for now. My senior son has a girlfriend a year older. They have been dating since he was 15 and she, 16. When he was a junior, he was approached by a coach at a college about coming to that school to compete. He visited and loved the school and decided that it was the place for him. We were very excited for him and encouraged that choice. Well, he told her that he was definitely going there, so, even though the school was not even on her radar screen, she applied, and is now a freshman there. Needless to say, I was not happy about it. Not that I don’t love this girl, she is awesome, and I would love to have her in my family, just NOT YET! Anyway, the sport he competes in is not a scholarship sport, so we were waiting to hear about merit money from the school. In the meantime, he was offered a pretty much full ride at another school. We convinced him he had to take a look. He loved it there as well. After much agonizing, he decided that he could not turn down the money. He plans to go to graduate school and this would leave his entire college fund untouched. It was a hard decision for him because he felt tremendous guilt about his girlfriend making a decision based on him. Luckily, she is a very mature girl and she supports his choice. They both feel that they have weathered this year pretty well and if it is meant to last, they will weather the rest. As his mom, I have tried to stay out of it as much as I can. I give advice when he asks for it, but try to keep my mouth shut (sometimes I need a little duct tape!). Scholastically, they are both doing well (he has a little senioritis, but that is another thread). Socially, they look forward to what time they can spend together (about one weekend a month). I am really pleased that it worked out this way. I really wanted him to have a “college experience” without being practically married, and think being at separate colleges will be good for both of them. It remains to be seen how it will work out. </p>
<p>My son wrote me a letter that really shook me up. In it, among other things, he told me how much he appreciated the fact that I have supported him through all this, even though he recognized that it went against what my wishes for him would be. The fact that he knew that, and verbalized it meant so much to me. </p>
<p>My advice to you is to be supportive, but not intrusive. Tell him what you think when he asks for your opinion, but don’t butt in when you are not asked. It will solidify your relationship with your son, and hopefully, he has learned enough from you along the way to make good decisions.</p>
<p>Thanks for these replies. I firmly believe that any resistance on our part intensifies the Romeo and Juliet drama of these relationships, but haven’t quite gotten through to my husband on that yet. He is beside himself about this. I keep reminding him that our S is 18, not 14, and that we simply do not have the option of haranguing him about it. H thinks I’m being a traitor when I’m nice to the gf, but I think anything other behavior is going to make S cling even more intensely to the relationship. H thinks we should be honest about our opinions and give our advice, possibly helping S avert a major mistake. We have a good relationship w/S outside of this issue, and S is a great kid…just goofy in love.</p>
<p>Dizzy - do you think H is worried that the romance will derail your S’ college, etc. plans? Altho, as I said, we did not butt in, H did have a very short and sweet chat w S re “not doing anything stupid.” It was short, it was respectful, but the message was - you have some wonderful plans in the offing and now that you have a girlfriend, you should enjoy, but remember not to get carried away and not to do anything you might regret that would derial your plans. H came away very relieved at S’ respectful listening/response. Essentially, “I’m not stupid, Dad.” But the communication of the essentials went both ways and created some relief on our parts.</p>
<p>While he is under your roof, use that time to allow him the chance to earn his opportunity to attend a four-year school. With costs spiraling, I think it is a good idea to evaluate his interest in his GPA, SAT/ACT, Scholarship applications, essay preparations for admissions and summer activities. If he is already showing signs of burn-out and “senioritis” he needs a reality check on the demands of his senior year and the reality of the additional stress aside from normal academics and activities. He may need a gap year possibility or a community college year to get pumped up.</p>
<p>We’ve had the “stupid” conversation more than once. </p>
<p>Some of the problem is that rightly or wrongly, we are of the opinion that the young lady would be only too happy to settle down sooner rather than later and that S is under a great deal of daily pressure – Odysseus and the Sirens, you know? She’s beautiful, like his own personal Barbie doll…argh! Why should he listen to two dried-up old people like us instead of her? We just hope he can maintain his focus. Talking about “not doing something stupid” doesn’t totally innoculate you from it. </p>
<p>But I think ultimately, our hands are tied. As long as his grades remain good and he’s meeting his commitments, I don’t think there’s much we can do but pray.</p>