How do I send my son away to college?

docmom · March 2, 2005, 12:50pm

SBMom, just thought I’d let you know I read your assignment notebook solution to my 7th grader and he was just as shocked as your son (but probably not as mortified :))

I told him this because he’s just brought home a fairly weak interim, yet this has been consistent for the entire year. He keeps promising he’ll do better, yada, yada, yada. Time to lower the boom! To me school is their first priority, over sports, friends, computer, video games, etc. and this kid is more than able to get A’s. It’s really about effort, or in this case lack of effort. Plus this son tests extremely high on ability and intelligence tests but doesn’t really put in the academic time he could if he would reassess his priorities (our priorities for him). He is an excellent athlete and extremely social, and while this is good it tends to get in the way of school. I was the same way at his age so I can relate, however, it’s time for him to be held more accountable.

So I’m instituting a plan. We’re taking away computer IM and video games until the end of the year - three months. He apparently can’t handle these extra activities and his schoolwork so a choice had to be made for him. Also - and here is the part he’s hating - he needs to ask every academic subject teacher on Friday to sign a statement saying his homework and tests were done on time and with a 90 or better grade. I’m bumping it up one point per week until we get to 93. If he gets all five signatures he is free for the week until the next Friday. If not, well he’ll be on house arrest until his next chance the following Friday. He’s been complaining about it for two days straight but I noticed he was studying quite late last night (and this morning - a new experience!) for a science test today. Guess he has plans for the weekend!

I had to use the same system for the second half of 6th and 8th grades for my eldest, and he’s recently been telling me I should do the same for son #3. So here we go - we’ll see how it fares. But after telling him your story I think he thinks I’m not too bad…yet!

SBmom · March 2, 2005, 1:53pm

Go, Mom Go!

I have not had to go back… yet…

songman · March 2, 2005, 6:23pm

DEB 922-

The old time posters will remember my story and life with my son. You have pretty much described my son also. I will summarize: After 4 years at a private high school doing the minimum coursework, but we now we realize that he did pay attention, my son decided that paying the cost of a LAC and doing the “Busy work” as he calls it was not worth the price of tuition. In the end ,he chose a state school. His parents felt it was a “Tough Love” decision comments (under our breath) like:
“we spent $80,000 dollars on his education already, let him go to a state school and mature a bit” He wanted to go to the state school as he did not want to have any debt upon graduation. We lamented the decision for 6 months or more. Having spent four years around the private high school crowd, unfortunately, we bought into the college game only to discover that when we allow our kids to make their own decisions for good or bad they will learn and act pretty much in the same way we would have suggested ,as opposed to forcing our views on them. He lacked motivation and now he actually likes his coursework,has many friends and the best part is that yesterday he said " I can’t believe that Greenday will be in concert at our campus" He also made dean’s list for his first semster. Things are running so smoothly that his mother and I are always looking for the next shoe to drop.why? Because in high school it was a constant emotional roller coaster…In my son’s junior year a counselor said of our son “he is socially immature and intellectually mature” The counselor reasoned that as his peers matured they would accept his odd wit,love of politics and history,music,and that he would have more friends as he aged. The counselor was right on the money. I will admit attending a large university was also an excellent opportunity for him to meet numerous kids that are just like him! He is happy.We are happy that we did not have him defer for a year or do a 5th year of high school. The odds are in your favor that your son will mature quickly once he is out of the house,on his own, in college. Whether he attends a private school or a state college,you will be surprised how quickly kids change…easy for me to say now as last year I was a nervous wreck over all of this…and probably in three years we will be full of anxiety again when my daughter will be looking at colleges to attend.

sluggbugg · March 3, 2005, 3:35pm

Songman, thanks for the update on your S. It sounds like he found the elusive “good fit” that we’re always talking about here in CC. Our D found a good fit, as well, and I believe that this is the key to her strong self-motivation as a college student. When it came down to it, we let her decide where to go, and she made the right choice for herself.

An update on my Junior S: He finally dropped the two classes he’s been failing all year. The Calc class was a first period class, so he gets an extra hour of sleep. And, he has a study period at the end of the day, allowing him a core hour to complete homework while still at school. He’s got 5 classes instead of 7, which is a better fit in terms of working in his other distractions, aka his current girlfriend. He brought home job apps for a summer job - yay!

Now, all I have to do is talk to his AP Music Theory teacher and find out when the tryouts are for Jazz Band. There’s a trip to Hawaii at the end of each year for the seniors, and I think this may be enough of a hook to keep him in school for another year. We need to pull a mentor out of the hat, while we’re at it…Wish me SLUGGLUCK! :)

fredo · March 4, 2005, 10:05am

I finally got around to reading this whole thread and I’m glad I did. Count me in the “I have one of those sons” category (if you remember I had the “sullen son” thread a while back). It’s been enlightening to me to read some of the similar experiences, see the successes and some of the suggestions for what to do.

Our grading system works in three six week segments which conclude with a whole semester grade and that’s the only grade that goes on the transcript though they get report cards every 6 weeks. I had been of the hover/nag/bribe/cajole/ school and my son was really resenting it. He proposed that I completely back off the first 6 weeks of this second semester and let him do all his schoolwork on his own and he would pull a 3.5. I agreed, knowing in the back of my head that he had an additional 12 weeks to bring up the grades if they weren’t good. I asked him what would happen if he didn’t get that 3.5 and he said that we could get on him again. All agreed and off we went. It was very hard for me to say nothing and not to check his grades on-line (we have a detailed on-line grade reporting system which records every test, quiz, homework assignment, etc.). But I kept to my side of the agreement and didn’t ask about homework and did not check grades.

Well, he just finished the 6 weeks and report cards come out today (although he’s home sick but we know his grades because of the lin-line system). Guess what? He got a 3.14 - same exact gpa as when I was hovering/nagging/bribing/cajoling/ etc. In actuality, his grades probably went down because this semester he dropped two academic classes (psychology and bib lit were 1st semester only classes) and in their place picked up PE and fiber design (weaving! - a required fine arts course). But I have to say it was really nice the last 6 weeks not to be worrying and nagging and feeling like the “homework heavy” all the time.

We are modifying the agreement for the next 6 weeks. Turns out several of those grades could have been a little higher if he had just turned in some homework assignments and remember a scheduled quiz or two. So now I’ll be checking the assignment notebook everyday - but he’s still on his own for organization and time management of his assignments.

The biggest thing I’m trying to stress to him is that if he’s struggling with some particular thing that he needs to address that instead of just shrugging his shoulders over it. For example, this semester English is all about speech. Well, my son is a terrible public speaker (didn’t talk until he was 3 years old and hasn’t really progressed much beyond that!). He gave a speech a few weeks ago and was so frozen up by the end that he walked off without stating his conclusion - which was written down in front of him. Needless to say, his grade reflected that. I’m making him go see the teacher to explain that he’s very uncomfortable with public speaking and to ask for suggestions as to what he can do to do better. Why is asking for help such an anathema to boys?

One more comment on the can’t get up in the morning thing. That was my daughter throughout all of high school and I have to admit that I woke her up every single day going into her room sometimes 3 and 4 times to ensure she was out of bed. One of the absolute best things about having her go away to college was removing that daily stress. I don’t have a clue if she gets up or not and I am thrilled that I don’t have to see the consequences if she’s not. There are some things we are much better off not seeing!

jym626 · March 4, 2005, 12:24pm

Wishitwas_April , Chocoholic and jmmom-
I tried all three of your recommendations to avoid losing my text in a new message. Worked!! But when it listed the posts in reverse order for me to review, I don’t think it let me see all of them. Am I doing something wrong?

sluggbugg · March 4, 2005, 1:17pm

Fredo, thanks for sharing the latest with your h/s S and your college D. Is your S a junior or a senior? How nice that you have online access to his assignments, tests, and grades. We’ve been in contact with our S’s teachers all year, and they seem reticent (too busy, too many students, gunshy of parents, preoccupied with budgetary worries, etc.) to help him and us stay on top of what the assignments are and when the tests are scheduled. He uses a planner, and we walk that delicate line all of the time when we gently harass him about homework. What can you do, eh? (I’m Canadian, all of a sudden!)

I read this whole thread over again, and I just want to say thanks to every person who has contributed his/her very personal story. The collective wisdom is amazing, and from each post, I have gained a bit of useful information that when combined have provided a much needed shot of morale. Thank you from the bottom of my sluggbugg heart! ;)

massmom · March 8, 2005, 5:07pm

What a great thread! Reminds me of my oldest son. Same issues in HS, went into an Honors dorm in college (told him either the honors dorm or the engineering dorm). Failed Honors Chemistry first term. When he finally went to talk to the professor (he said he had above class average grades on the tests and thought he did ok on the final), prof told him that he didn’t pass in all the labs, and therefore didn’t have the minimum lab grade necessary to pass the course. Admited to problems with his e-mail, which is probally where his economics paper went (other story). Is retaking the lab, which should replace the grade. 1430 SAT’s, 4’s on AP Science exams, top 20% or so of HS class, is on probation after first semester.

Second semester appears to going better. He seems to be getting decent grades (have been forwarded some e-mails and paper evaluation), until we get his progress report. Unsatisfactory progress in Biology 2. Turns out he forgot to bubble in his name correctly on the exam. Insisted he talk to the professor and straightened it out. Progress report is missing a course, which means he is not taking enough credits to be a full-time student, which is an issue for health insurance.

My husband calls the registrars office today (it is spring break) to ask about his full time status. We have a schedule that shows the missing course, which means that he would have had to drop it to not be enrolled. Since he got a 94 on the exam (he forwarded an e-mail from the TA with his grade, which he needed to get from her as he forgot to put his SS number on the test), I can’t imagine that he dropped it. They said they could mail out a confirmation that he is a fulltime student, but couldn’t confirm that he was registered for the missing course as he has a “records hold pending judical review”. A call to the department indicates that he owes money for a residential violation fine.

I am ready to kill him. If he doesn’t straighten out the hold he won’t be able to register for next term and they won’t give him his final grades. I have one more payment left this term and would like to have him make it himself. I feel as if we are all wasting our time and money. Perhaps he needs some time off. He was planning to move off campus next year with a group from his suite (he does seem to be making some friends). My husband has advised me to calm down and wait to talk to him until he gets back from break. Any ideas?

fredo · March 8, 2005, 7:39pm

I feel for you, massmom. The only suggestion I have involves shaking him so hard that gray matter falls out of his head and it confirms that there actually is a brain in there!!! It’s like that scene in Moonstruck, when Cher slaps Nic Cage and says: “snap out of it!” At least, I think I got that scene right. That’s about what you want to do with them sometimes.

I was having an argument with my husband one time and he looked at me and said, “well, what do you want me to do” in a condescending manner. And while I was trying to resolve the conflict in a nice, positive way - just like all the pop psychology articles tell you - I couldn’t help it but I just looked at him and said what I REALLY wanted to say which was “I want you to suffer and die.” Now of course I didn’t want him to suffer and die in reality but it sure felt good to say that to him. (And, of course, once I said that we just laughed like crazy and made up!) It’s like that with our kids sometimes, you really just want to look at them and say “you’re such a screw-up (cleaned up for internet purposes!); snap out of it and quit being such an idiot!”

If we had the answers, we wouldn’t need CC!

docmom · March 9, 2005, 10:18am

Massmom, tell him you and your husband are in financially for four years, and mean it. I think your idea about him paying for some of his tuition is a wise one. We have our son make one of our payments every year, about $2000, and he also takes out loans for between $5 - 6,000/year.

Sounds like your son is having some adjustment issues. You mention he’s an engineer - don’t you think sometimes engineers are by nature quite intelligent in certain areas and not as strong in the common sense department? He sounds a little bit like an absent minded professor.

I’d ask him what his plan is to deal with it, let him know he’s got to fork up some dollars, and tell him he’s not moving home no matter what. Accountability will help him turn the tide - at this point he needs to learn to do stuff on his own.

Good luck. I don’t think anyone escapes without at least one child going this route (the school of hard knocks :)) Hang in there and make him live and die by his own sword. He’ll get it.

massmom · March 9, 2005, 2:47pm

Docmom - Thanks for the advice. We told him at Christmas that we wouldn’t pay for him to take anything twice - He owes us money for first term, we fiqured we would wait until he had a CD come due this month to pay us back. Since yesterday, we have established that he is indeed registered as a full-time student. He will need to straighten out the hold when he gets back to school on Monday so that he can register for courses the end of the month. He is trying to get ahold of the Biology professor. As my husband said, if he is anything like either of us, he has a pile of things on his desk to get to, and just hasn’t got to my S yet.

My husband and I are both engineers. My husband is a little absent-minded (particularly if I try to talk to him after he has fallen alsleep in front of the TV at night), but I have learned to be organized over the years, particularly since my job demands it.

I think we get at least one child that that goes through this. My parent had two, both of which are now successful adults.

SBmom · March 9, 2005, 6:15pm

massmom,

furthermore, if things remain problematic, I would withdraw support altogether if he does not sign one of those waivers so you can have access to the grades.

sluggbugg · March 10, 2005, 2:59pm

A couple of questions, Massmom…I’m fuctioning on 5 hours of sleep, so keep in mind that I’m totally shooting from the hip and am thinking through a fog!

<ol>
<li>Is he 18? Time to step back and not manage him. It sounds like you guys have too much information about his papers, his assignments, communications with his TA, etc. Perhaps he’s sharing all of this with you voluntarily. If that’s the case, he’s probably struggling with the course demands. </li>
<li>Does he have a girlfriend at college? That could be taking his mind off of his classes, especially during freshman year. </li>
<li>“He seems to be getting decent grades (have been forwarded some e-mails and paper evaluation), until we get his progress report.” How are you getting his progress reports from college? We don’t check my D’s grades & evals. We wait for her to call and give us the news herself. I think it’s warranted to have access to a student’s grades in high school, but once they’re in college, imho, it’s time to step back. </li>
<li>“A call to the department indicates that he owes money for a residential violation fine.” What was he fined for? Again, for some reason, my sense is that he’s having a hard time balancing his social life with classes, which is not at all uncommon for college freshmen. The whole first year is about working that out. </li>
<li>“I feel as if we are all wasting our time and money. Perhaps he needs some time off.” I don’t blame you, but I also don’t think that making him pay for part of his tuition is going to help. Sure, you can make him accountable, but what do you want to result from that? As it is, he seems to be struggling in an environment that isn’t working for him. You’re not looking at typical adolescent differentiating behavior. It’s all responsibility-type stuff. Do you think that he might be in over his head and needs to throttle back in a couple of areas? It’s hard to say not knowing his schedule or how motivated he is, but I wonder if backing off from the honors level courses might help. </li>
</ol>

I think it would be reasonable if you guys sat down with him and negotiated his financial contribution for next year, especially if he wants to move off-campus with friends. If your goal is to keep him in college, I think there are more constructive ways to do it than playing the money card right now, which most of us parents go to first when our offspring start to veer off course. Resentment on all sides is usually the outcome.

<ol>
<li> “He was planning to move off campus next year with a group from his suite (he does seem to be making some friends).” Socially, he’s doing fine, but he seems to be neglecting things that are affecting his academic performance. You’ve mentioned Chem and Bio classes. Tons of time required, meticulous analysis in labs…you have to be a detailed-oriented person to do well in those subjects. He might consider taking a couple of electives next quarter, just to balance out those heavy-duty science courses. He might be on course for changing his major next year. If tweeking his course schedule doesn’t help, you might hear him start to talk about transferring. The “sophomore shift” is alive and well! </li>
</ol>

Just a few thoughts, Massmom. It sounds like he’s doing okay, but just needs to make some necessary adjustments. Sluggy luck and hang in there! :)

Dizzymom · March 10, 2005, 11:15pm

What a great thread!

My husband and I are incorrigible “rescuers”. We unknowingly improved the situation when we steered our two boys into a sport so demanding in its discipline that they awake, on their own, two school mornings a week at 4:45 to work out, then go to school, then work out again, etc. etc. It has made them excellent at time management and they are remarkably independent.

But I have held my breath about my senior this year, for a reason no one has mentioned. He is IN LOVE. I have no idea when he does his schoolwork, because if he is not with the girl, he is on the phone with the girl. If any of you read the “Zits” comic, they are seriously beginning to resemble the “RichandAmy” characters of that strip. Somehow, he seems to be doing okay academically, but I swear he must be doing it with smoke and mirrors.

She does not have the same athletic or academic demands on her that he does, nor has she set her sights as high post-high-school. I know that criticism will only make him more protective of the relationship; we are genuinely concerned about getting this kid safely (and singly!) to college and in a frame of mind to enjoy it the way he should.

He is a very serious and very loyal young man, traits which up till now I prized in him but which I see could be my nemesis in this situation.

Have any of you sage parents dealt with this one?

oib1 · March 11, 2005, 12:31am

My daughter, who is now a college sophomore, had a steady boyfriend for the first time in her senior year of high school. Fortunately she continued to do OK in school and ended up in a top school. The boyfriend was not our cup of tea - and not up to our daughter’s standards in almost every way. She’s now in the middle of her sophomore year of college and has just broken it off with him. 
My advice - there is nothing you can do. Best to stay out of it. Anything you do will only drive him closer to her. He’ll know that she’s holding him back.

allena · March 11, 2005, 4:47am

Alright it’s time for a younger perspective… I’m in my second year at the local JC, and am awaiting admission decissions from all of the UC’s, especially UCLA. Spin back the clock a few years to when i was in High School, and I was a 3.2 student… One of the problems I had however is that I was the oldest (I’ve got two younger sisters), never showed much interest in college, and honestly my parents did not really expect me to get into a University. I was in my High Schools ASB, which senior year became totally consuming, everything I did was centered around ASB.

Well I left High School and have spent the last 2 years at a CC working as hard as I could to pull my GPA up… It’s odd, the first time I really thought about college was about 2 months into my freshmen year at the CC. I went down to CSUN for a day and talked to a counsler who told me that judging from what iw as saying I was going to be at the CC for at least 3 maybe 4 years. Well it has been two years, and right now I’m waiting on UCLA (which logically I should get into, however I’ve got a transfer board that I can panick about that on), so I did prove her wrong.

I saw some of you complain about the messy room… Alright I’ll admit my room is not exactly the cleanest nor does it look organized. However I get farily upset if one of my piles of paper is touched or moved in anyway. While it may look like a messy pile to some, I’ve actually (and I’m not lying, I really do) got it organized in a manner that I understand. Things are in a spicific order! What actually annoys my mom the most is my postit addiction. I’ve got the little things everywhere. :-)

As far as adapting to school goes, let your kids experence a few classes. I know I only go to a CC, but pleanty of people here struggle, and expect the professors to hold their hands. It’s simple in most of my classes, you don’t do the work (and we have little actual homework, mostly all I ever get now (besides math) is stuff to study), you don’t study, you fail! It’s that simple.

3boysnjmom · March 11, 2005, 7:35am

Dizzymom and oib – We are in similar situation. Son #3 is a high school junior and is SMITTEN with a senior girl. She is a lovely girl but not as strong academically and has been into her top rollling admissions schools for awhile. He is a top student and very active at school; now has SATs and all these AP exams. I see that he is spending less time studying but so far his grades seem the same. What to do???
I predict that his academics will deteriorate as second semester progresses and the weather turns warmer. If he is not spending time with her, then he is on the phone to her. I try to speak with him about this but don’t want him to be totally resentful towards me.

jmmom · March 11, 2005, 7:40am

Dizzy - second the idea of just leaving it be. S had a girlfriend (notice the past tense) up until recently (started late fall) which involved daily phone calls of approx. 2 hours(!) plust numerous short calls (I only know this due to cell phone call details). He, too,somehow managed to get his work done at least at the acceptable level to keep up his average. Never got to know her well (from a different hs), but she seemed an ok girl who, however, is not nearly as academically oriented as son. Anyway, the affair died on its own about a week ago; he does not seem devastated (I am not in the loop as to who did what to whom). Had we poked our nose in it,who knows if we might have prolonged it or not?

massmom · March 11, 2005, 8:21am

Sluggbugg - Thanks for the advice. He is eighteen, actually nineteen. Grades, schedules, mid-term progress reports, and bills (of course) come to the house. This term, he has voluntarily shared info about how he is doing in his classes. We didn’t ask any questions first term, waited for him to get and share his first term grades. He thought he was doing fine (Bs mostly) until he opened his grades on-line and called me at work. This is a pretty laid-back kid, and he was in tears when he saw his first term grades. He is working hard this semester, and I think he is trying to reassure us. As far as I know, he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He has always had problems with organization. You are right about the residential thing and the money. We only knew about the fine and the hold because we needed to verify his registration status to maintain him on our health insurance. My husband’s company is doing its best to make it as difficult as possible to keep students and working spouses on the policy (another story). I am trying to relax a little bit. He called last night from North Carolina to say he went skeet (sp?) shooting. Seems like he is having fun.

deb922 · March 11, 2005, 9:24am

I am somewhat shocked and relieved that this discussion has had such a life. I have not responded much but have read and thought about each and every response. I am trying to hope that my S will mature and become a successful adult without too much failure. I think that some of the problems are that his father is a very type A and driven personality and my S is very easy going and laid back.

I have talked my H into backing away from the situation for a while and see how this quarter goes. I am hoping that my S rises to the occasion. The SAT’s are tomorrow and we will see how that goes. And I will hope that no girls enter the equation for a little while! Although I have noticed this year girls are coming around this house, a new experience!

How do I send my son away to college?

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