How do I tactfully tell my college buddy that I've had enough of her guilt trip?

Parent Cafe
1

One of the first people I met at my private catholic college (undergrad) became an instant friend. We had similar “hood” backgrounds. She had been in private catholic schools all of her life, (not me); her parents were even stricter than mine! So, she became a rowdy partier at our college. I didn’t agree with her choices of booze and men, so I was dubbed the “goody two shoes”.

I had to drop out of college, for a couple of years, to help support my parents who had health issues, so she called me a “quitter”. I worked hard, went back eventually and finished undergrad and grad school. She graduated before me, had two kids out of wedlock with unsupportive fathers and went through a series of alcoholism, men and jobs.

Now, all I get is: “you should do this, you should be that”. She’s become a “born again” christian and tells me via emails and Facebook what I should be doing. (Im the one that has been married long-term, have had 3 successful children, and have had a career. )

I know its her guilt that drives her, but dang it, I get OFFENDED when she personally attacks me. It’s as though she thinks I’m holding something back and she wants to drag dirt out of me about my husband and kids (she has no husband and poor relationships with her kids). “How’s your husband really?”

I’ve tried telling her: “It’s wonderful that you have achieved your goals! You should be proud!” But that “don’t quite do it for her.” I’ve asked her, “Are you in counseling? It’s really helpful when you’re so busy.” Of course she’s not.

I really don’t need this in my life and have basically avoided time with her, so she posts her agenda every day and I try to ignore it. I’m normally a direct, harsh person and I can have bite when I want to. Her background, and experiences, makes me bite my tongue and I tend to ignore her stupid “holier than thou attitude.”

Any other suggestions? Is it time to cut the cord?

2

Yes

3

This may sound awful. The question isn’t “is it time to cut the cord?” it’s more “why haven’t you cut the cord?” I recently had a blow-out argument with a friend who brought stress into my life. We haven’t talked in four months and it’s been very nice not to have that stressful relationship in my life. I wish I had never developed the friendship now that it’s ended.

It’s okay to say, “this isn’t working for me…” and end the friendship and cut off contact. (unfriend and send email to “junk mail”)

4

So sorry you are getting the backlash from her issues. As a christian, I cringe at the thought of someone using their newly found faith to beat up on others. Even if she means well, you don’t draw someone into your faith by beating them down. You want to live a life that draws others to you.

If you can find a mantra to repeat to her when she attacks you, you might have a chance of shutting her down. If that doesn’t work, you may have to cut off contact, either short-term or permanently. Work on coming up with a sentence or two that seems natural to your personality, something like “I am glad you have found peace in your faith, but I am not interested. I will not discuss this matter. Pick another subject to talk about.”

5

You are right! Why the HECK have I not done that??? Going to FB now!

6

I’d rather surround myself with people who give me positive energy who do not push their agenda on me. Unless you guys are living next door to each other, yes, cut the cord.

7

Sounds like the two of you have never been on the same page. Time to move on for both of you.

8

You can’t have a tug of war with someone if you drop your end of the rope.

Unfriend her on FB or you can stay friends, but hide her feed from your home page.

If she calls you, take a while to get back to her. If she brings up what you should be doing, then you say "You know, every time you call, you tell me what I should be doing with my life. I don’t need any life advice, I am content with the way things are. So that is all you want to talk about, I am not interested. Now how is Johnny doing in school?

If she texts, take a long time to respond and then answer any specific questions very succinctly.

If she wants to get together, be very busy for the next couple of months.

9

Nice one! I never heard it before. I think I’ll borrow this.

10

I agree with others, why would you want to put yourself in the path of this kind of abuse (and quite honestly, it is). I have seen this before, someone has had a troubled life or problems, then they become Born Again or whatever that gives them some hope in their lives, and suddenly they are pushing that on everyone else (and it isn’t just faith, though it is a common one). I have had people like that in my life, and what I usually tried with them is to tell them I am glad they found something in their life that gave them meaning, that I hoped it gave them the kind of joy and meaning I found in my life and I am doing quite nicely. If they don’t get the hint, then I cut the strings, among other things, many of those people later on crash and burn and it is dangerous to be around them. I had a friend who was a horndog, who cheated on his several wives, who suddenly found morality and kept trying to warn me about the wages of sin and the like, I finally had to cut him loose, in part because it was insulting and demeaning towards myself, when I was nothing like him. I guess the way to put it, why put up with someone who drives you to write a message like this on this board? smile

11

Your friend doesn’t happen to be a clerk in Kentucky, is she?

12

I am really encouraged by the responses here because I was dealing with a lot of guilt to cut her loose.

I guess I had one too many FB messages this morning, her trying to tell me how to live my life right and I thought, I already am. I just unfriended her. Woohoo!

13

LOL @teriwtt!!!

OMG! There’s two of them!

You’ve made my day @teriwtt!!

14

I always turn it back on the person and say" Why do you ask?" And if they push the issue " I usually say something like"
Things are working for me the way they are right now. When and if I need advice, I’ll be sure to ask for it."

15

Thirty years ago, I cut ties with a woman I had met at church who had become a close friend. It wasn’t that she was “holier than Thou”, but she was a know-it-all and was vocal about the way SHE would raise my children, manage my marriage, etc. It took a while, but when I finally realized that her presence in my life was making me quite unhappy and that she wasn’t going to change, I cut the connection. I still feel somewhat sad to have lost someone I shared much with in our young years, but have never doubted that my decision was the best one for me given the person she had become. Don’t let the guilt get to you - we can wish for a better relationship, but when it’s clear that is not possible, you must protect yourself. (unless you are Mother Theresa - and I am certainly not!)

16

she personally attacks me. It’s as though she thinks I’m holding something back and she wants to drag dirt out of me about my husband and kids (she has no husband and poor relationships with her kids). “How’s your husband really?”>>>>>>>>>

This? That is hurtful. I’d be done. You don’t need a “friend” like that. She’s toxic.

17

She doesn’t use tact with you and wouldn’t “get” it if tlyou use it. No permission needed to be DONE!

18

@auntbea, you have my permission to permanently cut ties with her. She is not acting like a friend. Life is too short to stay yoked to someone who has consistently been negative and hurtful to you.

19

Do it.

20

Life is far too short to waste precious time with people like this “friend.” Cut ties and allow yourself to move on without looking back.