<p>With the holidays around the corner, plans are in the making. We will have our son and DIL here this year for Christmas, the first year of their marriage, and I’m wondering if anyone has any tips for making sure that she feels welcome and is an important part of our family. She loves her own large family and this is the first year that she will be away from them on Christmas. (They spend the holidays on the east coast every year with extended family.) They both went back there last year- we missed Dh but it made sense that we “share,” but I think DIL is not really “on board” with the whole idea of trading off. She wants to do it, for Ds, but I think it’s really tough on her to miss her usual Christmas. </p>
<p>They will be with her folks for Thanksgiving, and will spend several days at a resort with them. I don’t think it’s that she will miss her parents so much as miss her life-long traditions and the fun with extended family. </p>
<p>Help! Our family is small-and rather tame- by comparison. I don’t want to be the boring in-law house that she has to come to every other year.
Any ideas? I am already trying to put a party together with our extended family we spend Christmas with. ( Great folks that my son adores) She’s not sure they can make the dates we picked. . ??</p>
<p>The first year H and I were married, MIL bought H seven presents and one for me. Don’t do that.</p>
<p>Try to liven up your own celebration…for example, some families have long card playing sessions, others love board games. I am usually too exhausted to initiate games and if that applies to you, assign someone else to do so.</p>
<p>Does your family do stockings? Make sure you have one for her. Ask her about her family holiday traditions so she can talk and share about them. Try not to treat her like a guest, treat her like FAMILY - meaning ask her to help out - maybe ask her to prepare an item for your meal - something that is usually on the table at her house. </p>
<p>Your S and DIL can make some new holiday traditions to enjoy every other year at your house. :)</p>
<p>Great question! As a 45 year old who is looking back on what has made for a truly horrid relationship with my MIL I could tell you some things to avoid. But I am struggling for positive advice. I applaud you for trying. As mom to a 19 year old boy I may be in your shoes someday. Try not to feel you must compete with DIL family. Your family has its own uniqueness that she will hopefully grow to love. Do not make comparisons if at all possible. I always appreciated genuine kind words from my in laws…</p>
<p>Ask her if there is anything she would like to do/eat. Acknowledge that you understand that she must miss her own traditions, but appreciate her graciousness in being with you this year. My MIL did something that I thought was awful. She would give me and her son-in-law the “same” gifts as she gave to her child of the same sex. So if she gave her daughter pearl earrings, she would give me earrings from the drug store. If she gave her son a leather jacket, she gave her son-in-law a hand-me-down sweater. it was hurtful. She always worked hard to separate “family” from other. I think the fact that you are concerned about your DIL’s feelings is an indication that it will all be fine. You are obviously a considerate and thoughtful person anyway, so just be you!</p>
<p>I think getting to know her and what she likes to do will direct some of the activities. Let her know she is welcome and cherished in the family. The rest really has to come from her. Unfortunatley, there is no pleasing some people.</p>
<p>I tried very hard to please my MIL, until I got it through my head that it was not going to happen. No room in that tight heart of hers for another person, and she didn’t have the grace or manners to even at least go thorugh the motiions and do the right things. Which is what I ended up doing once I stopped trying and caring much. Did it for DH. Am doing it for him. The person who lost out from the way she acted was her, as my interest in her was just about zilch so it didn’t affect me personally, and DH was just looking for the appearances and there was little else to judge, and she was the one who could not keep those up as she was just too nasty and spoiled to do so. Had she even pretended and just acted the way any polite person should, things could have been so different. </p>
<p>So give her some attention and let her know that you want her to have a good time with your family and to get to know her. A lot will also be up to her.</p>
<p>You sound like you have good instincts and want to help her feel welcome. Have that fun party, ask her what special things she likes to cook or eat, and just be yourselves. I have a brother whose in-laws have always “owned” Christmas in a really overbearing way, even though the siblings are all in their 50s now and have older children. From the sounds of it, you’re going to do great–you care enough to try, and you get it that your family structure is different now. And I don’t quite know how to say this, but your DIL needs to make an effort, too.</p>
<p>Would you feel comfortable calling her mom and asking about some of the family traditions, or having your ds do it? I think it’s sweet to recognize that she’ll be missing the big family celebration back home, and maybe bringing some of it to your celebration will help. </p>
<p>My SisterIL always has been the big Martha Stewart of the family. Now that her kids are grown, the agreement is that all the married kids and grandkids coordinate the year they stay home and the rest of us spend it with them, and then they go to the in-laws on the alternating years. Does that make sense? So, every other year, we are ALL together, and the other years, it’s just the son, wife and two grandkids who are local while the girls fly to Tennessee and Chicago to their dh’s families. </p>
<p>I remember when they started this arrangement how difficult it was on my SIL, but she was SO relieved when she learned of all the family traditions her daughters’ in-laws had. She felt like they were in “good hands” being away from home. That’s why I think asking about her family’s traditions would be a sweet way to show her and her mom that you know how important she and her comfort are to you.</p>
<p>Also, if it were me, I’d overdo the presents. She’s probably used to a lot of fuss during present opening, so if it’s just a few of you it likely won’t have that same feeling. More to open might help!</p>
<p>I like the idea of having her cook something she’s used to having. Oh, and make sure she gets to Skype with her family. If she seems a little sad, don’t take it personally.</p>
<p>You are wonderful to even think this way, so that’s a win!</p>
<ol>
<li><p>don’t make everything about your family. when you tell all those stories and namecheck all the friends, it just makes DIL feel more like an outsider. Occasionally stick to movies, culture, etc…</p></li>
<li><p>give her something meaningful to contribute – set the table, mash the potatos. </p></li>
<li><p>give her and your son some space – don’t expect their every moment to be spent with you. give them movie tickets or dinner reservations to go out alone and she has the chance to vent about what’s making her sad or crazy. (prior experience here!)</p></li>
<li><p>make sure she skypes or calls her family from a private spot where she can talk</p></li>
<li><p>give her a separate, wrapped in non-Christmas paper, gift. Write her a “thank you for doing this, I appreciate it so much” card. </p></li>
<li><p>definitely have a stocking for her. Better yet, ask her mom to mail hers to you, for this year. make sure you give it back.</p></li>
<li><p>give her something wonderfully personal and attached to your family. my newlywed christmas gift was something I still have – a pair of hockey skates! I can’t skate a bit, but the whole family does, and they wanted me to be included. My FIL hastily added that I didn’t have to use them, but he would help me learn.</p></li>
<li><p>Ask your SON to be especially attentive to her. It will help. Remember you are both madly in love with the same guy :)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>She married your son, so I would try to see what is unique about him and his way of doing things that she loves.</p>
<p>(I’m writing this from the perspective of someone who spends more holidays with my in-laws than my own family.)</p>
<p>Not that these examples will apply in your case, but – maybe her family is church-going and she is not, so she’ll enjoy a holiday without church (or vice versa) – maybe they always have a cast of thousands for dinner and she spends the day in the kitchen, so it will be lovely to have a quiet dinner with the immediate family (or the reverse) – </p>
<p>Also – it can be difficult to spend every minute with the clan, so I would encourage your son and DIL to have time for just they two of them, perhaps they will want to go out for lunch or a walk or a movie – choose what they want to watch on TV, sit with a book, etc.</p>
<p>BIG Amen. Also, don’t try so hard that it isn’t the real you. That is very difficult to maintain. The DIL is an adult too. If everyone is “real” and tries to find a happy place that accommodates everyone to a reasonable extent, that is all you can do.</p>
<p>If she DOES cook something, don’t make any “helpful suggestions” as she works. I have a sweet MIL, but she is constantly telling me ways I could do things differently.</p>
<p>You might want to talk to your son about gift ideas, also. My MIL bought me a $300 juicer one year. Anybody who knows me would know that juicing is not high on my priority list. I keep it in the basement except for the days that she visits us.</p>
<p>My husbands family is quieter and simpler than the one I grew up in. I always really enjoyed this. We sat around after dinner and talked and talked. MIL told great stories about H. </p>
<p>But that first Christmas she put me right in the middle already adding stories about me and meeting me and whatnot. So I had stories right away too. </p>
<p>In the end, MIL turned out to be far closer to me than M. (Not that that is a good goal, just a fact in my case)</p>
<p>Relax and have fun, too! Stress free is one of the things a smaller holiday offers. JMO</p>
<p>I love the stocking idea and I like the idea of asking her what one of her favorite things is about the holidays at “home”…maybe it’s going to see lights or playing games or whatever and it’d be a nice addition to what you do. </p>
<p>That said, I think we could have an awkward traditions thread…because this made me think of a friend who’s gf’s whole family (mostly all adults) trapse around in their PJ’s all day (even if you just come for dinner or presents or whatever) and he is MORTIFIED by it.</p>
<p>All great ideas - I would just add this: Approach her privately, look her in the eye and THANK her for spending for the holidays with you and your family. Tell her you understand that it’s hard for her to be away from HER family and that her presence is therefore doubly appreciated by you. Never underestimate the power of a private & sincere ‘thank you’!</p>
<p>Greenbutton - your advice and list was so impressive I’m copying it and saving it for some unknown day in the future!! I think it can be important regardless if it’s a SIL or DIL that you’re welcoming into the family holiday structure. All I can say is I have no idea how you got the perspective so perfectly nailed from all sides, but I wish my MIL had seen your list many eons ago! </p>
<p>Moonchild, I hope you’ll update after the holidays about how everything went. Good Luck. I think you’re an awesome MIL just for thinking about this ahead of time and trying to find pointers.</p>
<p>This suggestion is extreme… and too late for this year. It may not work ever for OP, depending on geography and family logistics. But in some situations you can arrange ot celebrate on a different day. </p>
<p>For example - in early years of marriage, my sister lived near our parents and her inlaws. I lived about 3 hours away My divorced parents celebrated Christmas with us both a few days later. That allowed my sister to be with her husband his large clan on “the real day”. DH and I we did the “Christmas loop”, starting with DH’s home city then later traveling to mine. </p>
<p>I cannot tell you how much I loved and appreciated the way my parents accommodated us in this way. It made our family time relaxing. This was NY, with winter driving concerns… so they were flexible to that too.</p>
<p>You might also talk to the young couple about starting a new tradition. It could be something simple like an evening walk to look at the lights or baking cookies together. this would be a nice way of acknowledge that her addition to the family is a positive change.</p>
<p>MY SIL does something like that too Colorado Mom. She celebrates with one family either earlier or later in the holiday week and one on the holiday. But now that my bro and she have babies (Moonchild just wait!) I expect they will want to travel less and prefer others to do the driving.</p>