How do I win over my new DIL?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>moonchild - if you think your family group is too small and “tame” compared to hers it is not too late to add some traditions that you would really enjoy anyway. </p>

<p>Maybe card night? Even poker night could be fun.</p>

<p>One of those crazy gift exchanges where people choose blindly and then someone later can try to take the gift away (we had a blast with that last year).</p>

<p>Cookie decorating day - or gingerbread house baking. </p>

<p>If it’s cold, you can all go skating or skiing. Maybe hiking or a “dog’s fantasy outing”. </p>

<p>Try anything you want and you may be surprised at how enthusiastic other people will be too. We all tend to sit around too much and while we devote lots of time to cooking and shopping, we don’t spend much time doing other things. These get togethers don’t have to be neat or formal or the same as they’ve always been. Enjoy!</p>

22

<p>Lots of great ideas in this thread. OP, I hope you have a great holiday.</p>

<p>Like a couple of the other posters above, my own MIL was not like the OP. She literally ruined the first holiday we spent with her family with her insanity. Without going into all the horrible details, for Passover, an aunt of my H invited us to come for the first night. His parents would be there as well as it was near their home. H and I accepted an invitation with my friends for the second night (they were people who I spent many holidays with over the preceding years). My mother lived a plane ride away, and Dad had passed, so for many holidays these friends were my family. MIL decided that we needed to come to her house the second night, and carried on terribly. We did not go, but she ruined the entire holiday, and I really never forgave her. She left curse messages in her native tongue on our answering machine. Holidays with her in the future turned out to be a depressing affair, and I spent years dreading them. They got us for nearly all of them, since they were in state, and my mom was not. Their behavior made it impossible to continue to see friends on any holiday, and those spent there were less than happy. She even carried on a couple of times when we went to see my mom. Don’t ever be like her. It wasn’t until Alzheimer’s robbed her of alot that she became tolerable.</p>

23

<p>If you have certain “traditions”, have your son clue her in on them in advance. Actually, tell your son to go through the “agenda” with her, whether he thinks it’s a tradition or not. I think DIL is entitled to know when the meals are and what she needs to wear. </p>

<p>He should tell her church or no church; if church (a) optional or mandatory; (b) dressy or casual; presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning; any special present opening protocol (we open one present at a time and go around the room); when the meals are; whether others than your immediate family will attend any part of it, etc etc.</p>

<p>Make sure she is warned (again, best if by your son) if something truly unusual is going to happen…e.g. we drink real egg nog, made with raw eggs. Some day there are going to be mass casualties, but it’s H’s family’s tradition. Anyway, warn her about odd things like that.(Might be a good time for the Skype with her family!)</p>

24

<p>I still remember my first married Christmas and we went to h’s families house. As nice as they were and as welcoming as they were, parts of it were hard and sad for me. And that is perfectly okay too! I was still getting used to being married and being around H all the time.</p>

<p>Back then long distance actually cost money and there were no cell phones and she made sure to make it very clear I was welcome to call home and be called whenever. </p>

<p>If there is some kind of food that is Christmas to her, either have her make it or try and make it yourself. I had a favorite cranberry dish I made for them and they all just oohed and aaahed and it’s part of their tradition now too.</p>

<p>Include her on your traditions, whether it’s baking cookies, going to church, etc. </p>

<p>Don’t just sit around the house, go see Christmas lights, go ice skating, send them off to the movies or to a bar or whatever. Let your son take her to his high school or sight see around the town if she isn’t real familiar with where he grew up.</p>

<p>Don’t treat her like your sons wife, treat her like family. </p>

<p>My husbands grandma made me a blanket that matched all the girls.</p>

25

<p>I am appreciating this thread! My MIL was already sick with Parkinson’s related dementia when I married my H. I have never truly had a mother in law, never learned how I wanted to be treated by a mother in law. I appreciate reading what others like or don’t like, so that as my kids find their mates I can have an idea on how to treat the SO’s.</p>

26

<p>Great thread ! We are hosting our future son in law this year and I am trying to think of ways to make him feel welcome. I think it might be different for guys. My daughter is spending Thanksgiving with his family , but she is okay with that . Actually, she is making most of the food :D</p>

27

<p>My FMIL made me feel so awkward the first time I had Christmas with his family. She made a big deal about the fact that my religion and politics weren’t the same as the rest of the family- in a way she thought was “funny” but was really backhanded. Don’t do that. Don’t put a spotlight on her. If she wants it in someway, it’ll probably happen naturally. </p>

<p>Also, it would feel really awkward for me to be pulled aside to be thanked or to get a card that says thank you afterwards. It’s just not what you do in my family and I wouldn’t feel like part of the family if that happened- I would still feel like an outsider and different.</p>

<p>Just the fact that you’re asking means that you’ll be fine IMO. It shows you care. Just be natural and don’t be fake. If you don’t know her that well, ask your son.</p>

<p>Have fun :)</p>

28

<p>Great thread idea! I bet your new D-I-L will appreciate your consideration, as will your son. I know there is no better way of pleasing my son than by being nice to his girlfriend!</p>

<p>I have a new son-in-law this year and the newlyweds will be spending several days over the Christmas holidays with our family. (They are hosting Thanksgiving themselves and both his mom and we are attending. :)) We are all in different cities requiring either a significant drive or train or plane ride.)</p>

<p>One thing I have done is to order a special “first Christmas together” ornament for them, with their names and the year on it. I have also offered to give them their pick of family ornaments from our collection, many with sentimental memories for D. Some of these ornaments were very special, and given to me by my mother and grandmother. Others commemorate moments of D’s childhood or were made by her. I know D will appreciate them, and hope her H will realize how meaningful they are. (They will choose the ornaments while they are with us, and I will simply box their choices up for delivery sometime during the following year, as they will not be doing a tree this year.)</p>

<p>I am also working on a photo book from their wedding proofs. (They did not order an album from the photographer, knowing I could do this, so it will not be a surprise and I have given them approval/input of my draft. Plus they chose the pictures to be included.) I did this with their engagement photos last year and they were thrilled. I think it shows my enthusiasm for their marriage. I am making a copy for son-in-law’s parents as well.</p>

<p>I know that D and her H have made other social commitments for while they are with us – mostly getting together with her friends in the area. That is great as it will give us all breathers. Perhaps you can suggest that your son make some similar plans.</p>

<p>I don’t think you need to feel you should be different from how your family generally is. Being your best authentic selves, rather than trying to imitate D-I-L’s own family, is the approach I would suggest.</p>

<p>Oh, and do get a list of food preferences – any particular items or brands they prefer, etc. Also any foods either or them prefer to avoid. </p>

<p>Try to make the guest room extra welcoming – perhaps put out some special bath goodies, etc.?</p>

<p>Just one opinion. </p>

<p>Enjoy, and please do come back and fill us in!</p>

29

<p>My parents are local and my fiance’s are not, so this is the first year we are celebrating with his family. In years past my mom has done a great job at this for him by just treating my fiance like one of the kids. We all get lots of presents, mom makes sure there will be treats he likes-- this Thanksgiving she is making him stuffing without celery in it because he didn’t like the celery last year, something I have been trying to get her to do for me FOREVER. If anything she spoils him more than my sisters and I. It will get easier as you get to know each other and I wouldn’t put too terribly much pressure on that first holiday get together… my fiance feels much more at home at my parents house now than he did the first year and it didn’t take long. He has really bonded with my parents beautifully.</p>

<p>Thinking to what would make me feel comfortable… my biggest concern would be the food. I not only have a food allergy, but I’m just picky. I won’t eat many of the classic holiday foods. I’d be afraid of going hungry. I would appreciate if my fiance and his mom chatted a bit and made sure there would be some foods I like (I would be too afraid of making a fuss to bring this up myself). Other than that, I think I would prefer everybody does what they normally do and let me find my own place… Missing my family’s traditions is hard but the bonus is that I get to see my fiance’s, I want to actually get to see them and see how he grew up and be a part of HIS family the way it is. I don’t want it to become all about me or recreating what is familiar to me. I am so excited to have two families now, I want to experience them both.</p>

30

<p>I think the suggestion of asking about traditions is VERY important. My first Christmas with my Husband’s family I missed my family traditions. He has only one sibling compared to my four. </p>

<p>Also, thanking her for spending the holiday is really nice. My MIL is always wonderful about thanking me for the time she gets with our family and it is really nice to know the time is appreciated.</p>

<p>Avoid criticism. Avoid getting involved in any disputes that may arise. Avoid trying too hard. </p>

<p>I love the stocking idea. My husband and his family knows that I love to get a stocking…I don’t really want anything else, but cute thoughtful things in a stocking always excite me. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

31

<p>When my sons got married, I added my DIL’s name to her husbands stocking. So they had one as a couple. They really seemed to like that since it was so permanent. </p>

<p>Other than that, I just tried to be observant. If I saw that she disliked chicken, I would avoid it. I tried to have the things I knew she liked. Asking them didn’t always work because they were too nice to say. </p>

<p>Just the fact that you’re asking means everything will be okay.</p>

<p>And I second Mainelonghorn’s advice. Above all else, don’t criticize.</p>

32

<p>OP…at least you are asking. This speaks volumes to making the holiday wonderful.</p>

<p>The first Christmas we were married, we were NOT able to be at DHs family’s house, or mine because DH had to work at 8 in the morning on December 26. To this day…32 years later, it is still a sore spot that DH is not in that family Christmas picture. No one seemed to care that I didn’t get to see MY family either!</p>

<p>We did go the second Christmas…and I honestly felt like an outsider looking in. My SIL, and BIL were terrific, and so was my FIL. But my MIL had a “thing” about times, and her kitchen, and her traditions. It would have been very thoughtful if she had asked me to share something of my family traditions…a cooked dish, or something. I would have loved to contribute.</p>

<p>Try to find out if there is anything special your DIL might miss, and like…a special movie that your family can watch together, a dessert that she really associates with the holiday, something so that she will know that you know how much she misses her own family holiday.</p>

<p>No…you can’t replace her being with her family…but my guess is that you will welcome her into your family holiday celebration.</p>

<p>Have fun!</p>

33

<p>I wouldn’t try to make your family more like her family. Part of the charm of joining another family is enjoying their traditions and making them your traditions. I like the idea of asking for the childhood stocking, but you don’t have to do it that way. My mil knit me and my husband two new stockings for our first Christmas together. We still use them. I agree with not overdoing any special thanks for her coming to you. I think switching houses is a pretty reasonable thing for newlyweds to do. We found that life got complicated when our kids started to want to stay home, and we got tired of the New Jersey turnpike on holiday weekends. Don’t hover too much. I loved my mil, but her biggest fault was that she didn’t always give me enough space.</p>

34

<p>My SIL and her family looked down on my parents. They didn’t do anything overtly awful but there were many slights and my mother was very hurt. Twenty years later, my Mom still can not speak about SIL without making a negative observation.</p>

<p>They are cordial but my SIL’s immaturity and my mother’s anger about it poisoned their relationship from the onset. MY SIL has matured but my mother has never really forgiven her.</p>

<p>My advice would be to always be the bigger person. If she is at your house and barricades herself in their room or refuses the family special dinner or does some other less than gracious thing, try to put yourself in her shoes and give her the benefit of the doubt.</p>

35

<p>Wow. I come back from lunch and there are so many great thoughts and suggestions here that I need to go back with a notepad and jot them down! I also should think about my own experiences, as I have about the best MIL that anyone could have, but she just has a knack for making people feel comfortable. I think that’s what I want more than anything is for my DIL to feel like she can really relax and be herself around my Dh and me. Maybe a phone call to my 92 year old MIL is in order! :)It has been over 42 years since I was the new bride, lol.
Thanks everyone. I love your suggestions and will be checking back for more as the season gets rolling.</p>

<p>Also- I saw an error in my first post that may have been confusing, as I meant to say that “we missed Ds,” not Dh, last year when they spent Christmas with her family.</p>

36

<p>Wow moonchild you are such a thoughtful MIL. I always thought it was my responsibility as the DIL to win over my in-laws! I have been successful in that regard, but I don’t think that my in-laws ever changed one thing about their holiday celebrations because I was visiting. You are very gracious and I am sure you will enjoy a wonderful relationship with your DIL.</p>

37

<p>Ask your son if there are any particular traditions that can be incorporated into your celebration. It is nice that you are concerned about her feeling welcomed and comfortable.<br>
Don’t go overboard. When DH and I were first married, I was the one who tried hard to fit into his family and he, in mine, as well. DH and I helped each other understand our family traditions. Unfortunately, at my first Thanksgiving dinner with them, he didn’t tell me about his mom’s infamous “Indian Pudding”. I raved about it (trying to be polite) and they laughed because no one really liked it! I felt like “Mikey” in the cereal commercial. Be yourself and I’m sure she’ll be fine.</p>

38

<p>missypie - you can make eggnog with cooked eggs although it’s a bit tricky. Here’s a link to a typical method and some of the comments show ways to do thing a bit differently or fix things if the eggs curdle.</p>

<p>[Amazingly</a> Good Eggnog Recipe - Allrecipes.com](<a href=“http://allrecipes.com/recipe/amazingly-good-eggnog/]Amazingly”>Amazingly Good Eggnog Recipe)</p>

39

<p>others here have great ideas…</p>

<p>For a small gesture…Ask her mom what her favorite Christmas Cookies are…get the recipe and make some.</p>

<p>I know that if I went to my MILs and she had my Aunt Genie’s Christmas Tree Cookies made, I’d be in 7th Heaven.</p>

40

<p>Your son might have some good input also, since he knows best how things work for his wife. Whenever I get too lost trying to figure out what to do positive for my DIL, I ask my son’s advice. Usually his answers and solutions are simpler than I had thought. It also clues him in for more alertness throughout the weekend.</p>