<p>I have to disagree with the stocking! Nice idea, but my mom decorated all our stockings (and for our spouses). If anything happened in-transit that would be AWFUL! Make/Buy her a stocking for your house!</p>
<p>The stocking story touched me…for another reason. I adopted a dog last year (big yellow lab), he had been with his first family since he was 10 weeks old, he is 8 now. Last Xmas they wrote me, they have his Xmas stocking and wanted to send it to him, with treats! I said of course. Xmas morning I got him, and the big hand knitted stocking (filled with toys and yummy dog treats) and got my camera out. He did NOT disappoint! I sent them many pictures of their (our) boy with his face all in the stocking. BTW, I celebrate Hanukkah, and he does now too. This year, his 2nd Xmas with me, he will have his stocking filled again (by me, or them, makes no difference to me). He needed to be adopted due to personal commitments on their part, and a cross-country move, his “parents” are my coworker of 7 years lifetime friends (literally since they were in elementary school).</p>
<p>I know this might be unpopular but I have no expectation that we have every other holiday with S and DIL and G’son. My feelings come from my own experience. When our first was born and we were 2,000 miles from either side of the family we decided to have our own Holidays at our own home.
What I do want are visits with them other times of the year. We seem to be making it a habit (last two years :)) to go on a 3-4 day vacations together.
DIL has a huge extended family, and S fits well there. We have a small family and celebrate alone or with a small group of friends.
I am surprised at how centered I feel about letting the major Holidays go and whatever they decide year from year is just fine.
That said, I buy DIL the same number of gifts that I buy S and D. She seems to be surprised by this. On our fall trip she was in love with a bag and I told her to pick her favorite color and I would buy it and put it aside for the Holidays.
One time I took D and DIL shopping and told them to buy anything and everything (cost me $400) and is still a good memory.
Just trying to say that you will do a great job making her feel comfortable. But also, let them know that you want time with them whenever, even if not the Holidays.
I really felt the pressure from the families the first few years until they understood that traveling with babies and toddlers during the Holiday was not as great as having a different visit another time in the year.</p>
<p>oregon101–thank you for posting that. DH and I about killed ourselves for the first few years of our marriage trying to be fair about holidays. It involved a lot of driving and no one was ever completely satisfied. We travelled for Thanksgiving once after we had our first child and that was enough to say never again. </p>
<p>When flying is involved its much easier and cheaper to go other times of the year. Weather can be less chancy, schedules less crammed, and there are always other activities that are just as fun as holiday stuff.</p>
<p>I have never regretted getting off the crazy holiday train.</p>
<p>^ I concur. What I want is time with our kids when they are happy to be with us. I would never want them coming out of duty or obligation. It happens that we will all be together this Thanksgiving as well as Christmas, but I do want to make a point of telling them that we are open to other ideas going forward, especially as kids enter the scene.</p>
<p>It probably doesn’t apply here, but have your son talk about drinking (alcohol) if one family does and one doesn’t. My parents were non-drinkers and I always felt sorry for H…at least at his parents’ we could drink; at mine, we had to handle everything stone cold sober.</p>
<p>To go along with coloradomom post 18—My long ago boss used to celebrate Christmas in July so the family could come and still go their separate ways in December. They would put up the tree, decorate the house, do presents–the whole nine yards.</p>
<p>We celebrate with my elderly parents in January–it’s still fun and takes a lot of angst out of the equation.</p>
<p>Something fun my MIL does–she gives everybody 10 dollars and then we pick names out of a hat and trot off to Wal Mart. You have a set time limit (about 30 min) to buy a gift for that person. Then we come back and have the “little gift exchange”. Very fun as you’re trying to avoid each other at the store and adds lots of conversation especially with relatives you may not know very well.</p>
<p>
Also, it may be that attending church on Christmas (or more likely, Christmas Eve) is important to her, and that’s something she might be embarrassed to mention if your family doesn’t attend church. You might ask your son to inquire about this, and make it easy for them to go if it’s important to her.</p>
<p>Gouf I love that idea. I WISH my family would do the drawing for names thing but we are still getting each and everyone a gift…</p>
<p>So, do you CC people do a “Holidays” thread? Something like “Holidays…traditions, share your to-do(s) and to tries”…</p>
<p>I already “love” son’s g/f. She’s coming here with son for Thanukah, first time not being with her family (& her twin). I know that is a sacrifice on her part, and I don’t expect this to occur each years. They must have discussed this in August, and made reservations back then.</p>
<p>Now, if only my kitchen redo moves a little faster.</p>
<p>I think many holiday memories are triggered my smells and tastes. S and DIL will be spending T’day with us and I spoke with DIL and said we would like to include any special foods from her family’s celebrations. She is going to send me a list of ingredients to have on hand and then the two of us will cook and bake together. She seems excited by this. H has already been designated as our “take one for the team” guy (if necessary) and instructed to enthusiastically eat and rave about anything put in from of him!</p>
<p>I agree that you are on the right track to be thinking about this issue. Already a plus one. </p>
<p>I would tell her how much you appreciate her coming and spending the holiday with you, and solicit ideas for what to do or eat. Give her space if that is what she wants, and give the couple time and space to be alone. Pay attention to what she seems to like and not like, and I’d say follow up with her or son afterwards to see what went right and wrong. This ought to be the first of many holidays together, so you don’t have to do it all right at once. And it could all change when there are grand kids. </p>
<p>My MIL was awful. I should have known from the beginning she was going to be hard, but I had never met anyone I couldn’t get along with, so I was blindsided by her. I tried hard to make it work, but at a certain point I just had to let it go. I do feel guilty about not trying even harder, but she wouldn’t meet me even quarter way, let alone half way. The biggest problem with her was the criticizing. She always felt free to tell me everything I was doing wrong. A few months before she died, she knocked me out of the way so she could peel some potatoes because I wasn’t doing it right! Thinking back on my MIL, I’d say the key is to treat your DIL with respect, as a thinking adult. The love and the warmth and the ease of interaction should come after that.</p>
<p>I echo everyone else. Just thinking about this shows that it will go fine.</p>
<p>Your DIL will have to realize that it wont’ be the same as celebrating with her family in the way she always does but that’s what marriage means.</p>
<p>I agree with the comments about criticism. The Christmas 10 yeas ago when MIL was injured and could not travel was about my best Christmas ever. Previously the in laws has traveled and stay with us every holiday. I never had my own Christmas Eve or Christmas stockings with the kids, they were always there, commenting, criticizing, judging. I am pretty sure there were either tears or angry tiffs between DH & I every year as we snuck away to be peeved. They are EXTREMELY critical to this day- that dress makes you look fat, that’s not how you wash dishes, why are you doing it that way, etc. Often it is not the comment itself as much as the constancy of them, every time you turn around. And that is one reason DH moved us far away from them! How said is it to say that both DH & I were relieved when they could not come any more?! There presence added more tension and stress than joy.</p>
<p>With my kids, even when I wouldn’t do ‘it’ that way, I strive to never criticize, only offer when asked or when it seems really appropriate. All of us in the world can be surprised when someone else does ‘it’ differently than we do, but there are many perfectly good ways to do the same task and have a successful outcome. I, to this day, despise being watched and badgered and judged about how I do things and I am sure it is in part due to in laws always trying to help us be better people (I am sure that is how they saw it.)</p>
<p>I love the ideas about finding out what her own family likes to eat and then cooking together. We have a tradition that all kids get new pajamas every Christmas Eve. Although they visited earlier in the week in the past I made sure she also had a pair.
When their visits are more than a night or two we encourage them to go out alone. To the mall, to eat, to see old friends. I felt that H and I were held captive when we visited his family. H went along with it but I needed some time away, even if a grocery store run. I have noticed that my DIL gets tired late in the afternoon. I try to watch out for that and be respectful. If she doesn’t talk for an hour I no longer take it personally (had a learning curve here). Often, after her slow time she will find me and start really talking like she likes me. Of course I am usually trying to follow a recipe or get something done fast. I am learning to just stop. The visits are precious.</p>
<p>oregon, you are my MIL role model!</p>
<p>I love this thread! My daughter too is bringing home her boyfriend for Christmas for the first time. He’s coming all the way to California from London! I am flummoxed and this thread helps a lot. They’re not married - yet - but obviously serious. We haven’t met him and he’s staying for two weeks. - And she doesn’t drive and with him being from England we’re not keen on him driving either - so we plan on carting them about quite a bit. But while I was originally terrified, I’m getting more and more excited as we figure out all the logistics to make him comfortable - and more importantly so we remain comfortable as well.</p>
<p>This thread gives food for thought. Personally I had no expectation of MIL including my family traditions at her house. In fact, it may have made me miss my family more.</p>
<p>Great thread. Am trying to figure out what to do for S1 and DIL, who will be staying in CA for the holidays this year. S is Jewish (not practicing these days) and DIL grew up w/Christmas in the UK.</p>
<p>We were never big on Hanukkah gifts, so am not sure whether I should make a big deal or just send them Festivus gifts and let them figure it out. Last year they flew cross-country to my parents’ house – kind of crazy and overwhelming.</p>