<p>“win over” this got my attention. Don’t keep score.</p>
<p>The first year our new SIL joined us for Christmas I decorated their bedroom beautifully. I had a small xmass tree with D’s favorite decorations on it and xmas lights and tinsel around the room, candles in the windows. So, they had their own little xmas oasis. They loved it and I’ll continue to do that whenever they visit at xmas.</p>
<p>I think OP meant “win over” in the sense of “make a good impression on” as opposed to “defeat.”</p>
<p>My mother and I didn’t see eye to eye on much. My W is non-Catholic - whoops, that caused some pre-wedding problems! W is from a very old-money family, whereas my mother’s family never had two nickels to rub together. (On the other hand, my father was a successful professional.) Ends up my mother loved my W and my W became my passport into my mother’s house. She adored our kids, the way they were independent and took care of themselves, how well they did in school, etc. All that my mother credited to my W. My W won over my mother just by being herself - a truly great person!</p>
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<p>Now that’s adorable. Something like this would be really cute in their room, too. At least a tiny tree. I already repainted and did over my son’s room before their wedding, so it’s really lovely, but I never thought to bring the season in their room.
I think the idea of just being ourselves and letting her be part of our traditions is probably the way to go. Small things, like finding out her fav cookie and baking them might also be fun, or I might get the ingredients and ask her to make them, if she’d want to. I don’t think I could try to match her Christmas, as it just isn’t possible and we like our own traditions, anyway. It helps that she and Ds have a lot of friends in our town, and their own transportation, so they won’t feel stuck here at all. I expect them to be out a lot, actually. I just want the house to seem warm and welcoming.
I have a lot of great ideas from this thread. Thanks again, and keep 'em coming.</p>
<p>My personal advice: just say “I’m so glad you’re here for the holidays” and mean it. Ask your son and DIL what they have in mind and tell them what parts are non-negotiable. Something like: “we’re having breakfast Christmas morning at 9 and will open presents then, so please make sure you’re up by then, and that afternoon we’re undecided between a movie and ice-skating, or you two could go off on your own, you can wait to let us know.”</p>
<p>I like the idea above about being very honest about what is important to you re: schedule/activities. Good to have a light schedule of obligations, but make sure everyone knows what they are. Relations between women is improved when each says what they mean, and mean what they say (and hold their tongues if it isn’t nice!)</p>
<p>Too often women expect others to “know” that they will hurt, disappointed, let-down, etc if XXX doesn’t happen - without it being directly stated.</p>
<p>^^^We have always used a similar approach and it has worked beautifully, especially for those first few times a new freshman returns home and can’t wait to reunite with friends. We ask the kids when would be the best time to schedule a nice family meal, outing, etc. It gives them some control over the timing but also subtly lets them know that family time IS going to happen.</p>
<p>Perhaps finding out what her schedule is like for sleeping/eating/waking, she is family but if she likes to sleep in until 10 on a Holiday…
I do agree that talking about preferences and such can at least keep things out in the open.
I was not happy at my in laws where everyone was an early riser, talkative and loves big breakfasts. I did not fit in and I felt pressured every visit to explain why I was not eating or talking. Then when I wanted to talk late in the night no one was up…</p>
<p>Thanks for the tip here. I texted with DIL about her food preferences for Thanksgiving and she replied with lots of smiley faces. :).</p>
<p>Another thank you…My mother asked me to make a specific sweet potato recipe for Thanksgiving. This morning S told me his girlfriend would like to be in charge of the sweet potatoes. Thanks to this thread I kept my mouth shut and GF will be making whatever sweet potato recipe she wants. My mother will be warned ahead of time to say YUM and nothing else.</p>
<p>I remember when brother in law married someone from different culture. They had us all to their home for Christmas eve. H’s family was never told what to expect. We all expected same as always. We did a lot of waiting around for the usual things that never happened. It was very uncomfortable. Giving a little information up front about what to expect would have been so helpful.</p>
<p>Yea for timely cc posts, westparent!</p>
<p>I have a feeling you will do a wonderful job of welcoming her based upon your concern for her comfort and your sensitivity to her being away from her family. Some recommendations:</p>
<p>-- let her know how appreciative you are for her coming
– let her know how hard you feel it may be for her to be away from her family
– be relaxed and imperfect
– send her an email and ask her to please let you know what types of foods to buy that she would enjoy. insist that you want to make sure you have all of her favorite foods.
– give her some privacy
– if this is her vacation from work, she may be tired and need time to relax- allow her this
– maybe buy a dvd of her favorite movie and you all can watch it together
– be generous with your compliments
– get lots of meaningful small gifts
– listen more than you speak (old adage- you have one mouth and two eyes/speak in the same proportions)
– be very loving and accepting
– do not speak critically or badly of other people in her presence</p>
<p>I am sure these may be obvious but I thought I would write them down. I love my MIL and I met her when I was 19. I am 53 now and I still think she is the sweetest, kindest, and most loving person I know. I am so very thankful for the wonderful man she raised and for all of her and my FIL continued love, reassurance and support.</p>
<p>I think it’s a bit harder for moms with sons because they are use to communicating with their sons about their plans, but when a wife or SO is in the picture, the sons are not necessarily the ones in charge of the calendar anymore.
Even if my son thinks he knows what they will be doing on a given day, he may not actually know. 
I need to learn to talk to her about their plans directly rather than going through my son. I hope spending this Christmastime together will help me get to the place in our relationship where we feel comfortable doing that. Because she’s a little reserved around us and my Ds and I are pretty close, I’ll have to make an effort to include her in our correspondence, such as including her email when I email him about any future happenings, which is different than before they were married. They’re a unit now. It seems like a simple thing to grasp conceptually, but it’s still a bit of an adjustment in ways you don’t really think about.</p>
<p>moonchild, it seems to me that it should be fine to send a direct e-mail or phone call to your DIL about plans even if you aren’t on close terms – something along the lines of “Son said you would be here on Saturday for lunch, but I just wanted to double-check with you to make sure that was the plan before I bought the [theater tickets, roast beef for four, made up the bed, whatever reason you want give].”</p>
<p>Yes, fendrock. I think that’s what I’ll plan to do in the future if there is anything riding on it- like tickets or other’s involvement.</p>
<p>These are all great suggestions! I would add this:<br>
When your DIL OFFERS to help in the kitchen, tell her what you need and be specific. (Would you mind peeling about 10 potatoes, please?)
Conversely, if you need her help and she has not offered, ask her to do a specific task.
Most of us have preparing holiday dinners down like a well-oiled machine, and she will not know what you expect. My MIL’s kitchen was tiny, and I always felt I was in the way, yet I wanted to do my part. (I certainly didn’t want to give her any reason to complain afterward that I didn’t help with the meal.) I usually ended up washing dishes. :-)</p>
<p>My (ex) MIL was a dear person, but she was a hypochondriac and LOVED to talk about it. Her own family was sick of hearing about it, but I was “fresh meat” and she loved to regale me with every detail of her health history. I was too polite to know how to get away from it, and was always bored to tears at her house. Don’t be that MIL.</p>
<p>We visted my FMIL this weekend and had a great time. She texted me the next morning to let me know she had a great time with us, and how she can see why her son fell in love with me because she has fallen in love with me too and already thinks of me as a daughter. It was really, really nice. There are few things better than feeling genuinely loved and accepted by someone so important to your spouse. </p>
<p>Now, if only there was a thread-- “how to win over my new father-in-law.” If the man knows I exist it is news to me.</p>
<p>I read this thread with interest as my DS’s GF just moved in with him and is spending thanksgiving with us. I teed her asking if she would like to bring something and she wants to bring dessert. She also offered to help with the meal, so I asked her what sides she likes. So this year we are having green beans and mac and cheese and EVERYONE will love it! So happy because she seemed happy to be included.</p>
<p>My FIL didn’t acknowledge my existence until I gave him grandchildren!</p>
<p>I am pretty sure things are going well with my DIL and myself. That said, it is nothing like my relationship with my D. It is precious but different. I do not think she has even given it a second of thought! But I have, do, and it is worth it completely. I have felt really wonderful when she has liked my gifts. I also have told her that she MUST just return things that are not “her”. And I really do mean that I am not offended. I am generally a good gift giver but still can miss a beat.
Not to get off of topic–there is a niceness that we need with the new woman in our life.
I have enjoyed learning it (maybe because she has been so responsive) but there are many times that I have said something very direct as I would with our family and then had to backtrack and ask her what she wants.
An example would be to say something like, “we always server the XXYZ at 6:00” and then stopping and saying, “how do you like things” in an honest way. It has certainly been a learning curve for me.</p>