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No reason. I’m not the warmest person in the world. If we hit it off, great, but I’m not seeking anything other than courtesy and pleasantness. My daughter wants us to do things together and be actual friends. I have a small number of actual friends and I have chosen them carefully. Friendship is a commitment in my eyes. The couple has been together for 6 years and we haven’t yet met because there has been no situation under which it would have happened naturally.</p>
<p>zoosermom, When you first asked about this, I thought you were asking what YOU should do in terms of hosting an engagement party or not, or doing something else. But in this case, the groom’s parents will hold one and I can’t see objecting to attending. It’s their thing. </p>
<p>Also, just speaking for myself, I would want to be as friendly and close as possible with my daughters’ inlaws, as I can only see the benefits of this and no negatives.</p>
<p>I agree w zoosermom. I wd have a hard time becoming friends w someone w such different values.Throwing a big engagement party seems vain. And putting the social pressure on u to participate financially in this display of vanity shows chutzpah. </p>
<p>@zoosermom, the huge engagement party in a hall bigger than some people’s weddings was something that was done only by Italian families in New Jersey, at least when I was in the wedding-heavy years and living and working in the NY metropolitan area. Young women I worked with in NJ had them, no one else. And, to be frank, we are talking clerical staff, not the professionals.</p>
<p>If I gave a party to introduce a fiancee’s parents to family and friends, it wouldn’t be anything like that.</p>
<p>If your D’s fiance’s family expects something like that, you’ll be in a hard place. Ideally, your D and FSIL would simply tell everyone they don’t want one. If they DO want one, argh. This is the time for the couple to explain to his parents that you have a very small family and that kind of engagement event is not your tradition. I think you could have his family over to a nice buffet dinner or cocktail party with heavy hors d’oeuvres at your house, as a way of squeezing in more people than would fit around the dining table, if you felt comfortable with that. If <em>they</em> insist on hosting something large, well, you can go but not invite anyone besides close family, such as your brother. You may be doomed to be thought of as a parcel of cheapskates forever, but what can you do…</p>
<p>There’s a happy medium between being close friends and having not met in all this time. I would see what the kids might be able to arrange so that their parents can meet! I wouldn’t wait until an engagement party or wedding to do that. After six years, I think it would be nice to meet for the sake of the children. </p>
<p>Our parents didn’t do anything. They had already met and it wasn’t a surprise or anything. The engagement was simply a formality as we had already set dates and whatnot.</p>
<p>Did the groom’s parents ask you to contribute financially to an engagement party that they host? I hope they don’t ask you to. I see no issue if they host one and you attend. This is assuming as parents of the bride, you are contributing to the wedding. </p>
<p>ARGH to the idea of an engagement party – I have a gag reflex re the wedding industrial complex and much prefer to keep things simple. Fortunately, my kids and their significant others are of like mind. </p>
<p>D and her intended wanted no gift-giving occasions – no engagement party, no showers, only contributions to charities for wedding gifts. (But they were older and already established.) We met fiance’s family at a weekend get-together months before the wedding. Since then we have established a nice relationship and spend some holidays together, even though air travel is involved.</p>
<p>S and his GF just became engaged. They are younger, she is in professional school, and they will appreciate wedding gifts, I expect. I imagine there will be a shower eventually but no talk of an engagement party. We have known GF’s family for years (through the kids dating) and have gotten together for dinner on occasion – expect those occasions to be more frequent in the future. We all get along pretty well.</p>
<p>For both couples, H and I offered to cover the cost of an engagement photo shoot, out of which we got a CD of the pics and I put together one of those photo books. Fun and meaningful, and no imposition on anyone else.</p>
<p>Re announcements, kids shared their news on Facebook, after which I shared on my account, and I also sent e-mail announcements with pics to friends and family not on Facebook.</p>
<p>P.S. Hoping you can enjoy this special time.
“When a child finds true love, a parent finds true joy!”</p>
<p>We told our parents, they said " yay!" and that was it. And of the 20-somethings we know, not a one has had a party. Engagement doesn’t have the weight of commitment it once had, I think, so it’s not quite such a big deal. As for inlaws, our parents (who live many states apart) have been together three times in the decades we’ve been married. Our mothers send holiday gifts and funeral flowers but nobody has suffered from their lack of attachment</p>
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God bless you for translating for me! You have it exactly right. It’s a major cultural gap between the two families.</p>
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You understand completely. My mother, of course, couldn’t go. My brother wouldn’t go anyway, and I would rather pull my fingernails out than invite people I like and respect. I would have been happy to have had something small. I just wanted to see if I was being ridiculous, but I am going to talk to my daughter. I think she will get very easily swept along by his family. </p>
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Not yet, but the engagement hasn’t happened yet. My daughter was just warning me and mulling over the issue, herself.</p>
<p>“My daughter wants us to do things together and be actual friends.” Do you live close enough to one another for this to be realistic?</p>
<p>I can see how if you don’t live near one another, striking up a friendship might seem a little forced. But when they marry, won’t they be “family?” I consider my son’s in laws, family, but maybe that’s just me.</p>
<p>How’s this for a solution? </p>
<p>1) Tell the other parents you want to honor the couple and share the great news w family & friends, but you are concerned that it will appear to be a tacky excuse for gift-fishing<a href=“this%20might%20shame%20the%20other%20parents%20into%20going%20along%20w%20you”>/u</a>. </p>
<p>2) Propose a more modest-costing, informal affair (a backyard BBQ?) and keep the reason for the event a SECRET from the guests.</p>
<p>3) Then, at the informal party, pop the SURPRISE on the guests!</p>
<p>Maybe the other parents will buy off on the excitement element of it. This would give you all:
<p>BTW, I think it’s staggering that the couple isn’t even engaged yet, and the other parents are already planning a big engagement party. This bodes a lot of interference by the in-laws in the couple’s marriage…</p>
<p>Zoosermom, congrats (almost) and you have my sympathies 
I would let your daughter know up front, if that’s possible, about how much you are willing to contribute to “wedding related festivities,” especially if you get asked to help pay for engagement party. As far as going, I would “smile and nod” your way through it. There may be a dilemma when you try to explain why you are not inviting many friends, etc. to the “special event.” Hopefully your daughter can explain circumstances/preferences? You might want to think of a response in advance, that’s not too judgmental of their preferences/customs. Good luck! I can’t wait to hear more as things progress. </p>
<p>I would never throw one for my kids and hope they don’t end up having one. Hubby had one with the gal he was engaged to before me. How tacky to have one of these things and then to break up!!! </p>
<p>If I’m reading correctly, zooser’s d is enthusiastic about her future fiance’s family tradition of big engagement parties. That’s a tough spot to be in if you’re opposed to celebrating engagements in a big way, or if you dislike big parties. I sympathize because big bash affairs for any reason are very difficult for me. But if one of the couple’s families has always done it this way, AND if the couple likes the idea, I think there’s nothing more to do than put on a happy face about it, even if the idea makes you cringe. If the couple disliked the prospect, or your own child didn’t want it, that’s a different situation. </p>
<p>My oldest d’s future MIL hosted a lovely party for perhaps 70 people on her farm to celebrate the engagement. It did not feel like a gift-grab to me - few people brought gifts, in any event. She wanted to put forth the effort, people came, a good time appeared to be had by all. I can’t imagine what this might say about our crowd professionally or in any other way (probably something).</p>
<p>A nice tradition in our family is sending the couple a pair of Waterford toasting flutes for their wedding toast as an engagement gift. </p>
<p>I’ll tell them to call Susie Orman. She will give them an earful. Not a peep from me is necessary.</p>
<p>“My daughter has this idea of a big, honking engagement party along the lines of some people’s weddings. I want none of that, but I was wondering if that is the norm and how other people came to meet the fiance’s family.”</p>
<p>My fiance’s parents called my parents (who lived out of town) and invited them to a nice dinner next time my family came up to Chicago; that seemed like enough for the time being. As the actual wedding got closer, my fiance’s aunt/ uncle threw a nice little brunch at a downtown hotel for us, but it was maybe 25 people tops, and no gifts that I can recall. </p>
<p>My parents did throw a party for my sister’s engagement, but that was more because she was getting married out of town and it was a way for my parents’ friends who weren’t going to travel to the wedding to meet sister’s fiance. I don’t know if people brought gifts or not; it wasn’t the focus of the event. </p>
<p>I have never been to a “big” engagement party, personally. </p>
<p>Both kids were engaged on the other coast. DIL’s family held a little celebration on the night of the proposal with her sister, her parents and my daughter and her husband.
No parties for my D and she didn’t want one.</p>
<p>Zoos, I think the groom’s family should consult your D and her wishes honored if they were planning to do anything and you and your D should come to a compromise. I know it’s hard.</p>
<p>Wow! My D just got engaged a few months ago, and we said ‘congrats’. I also told her we would pay for the reception up to a certain amount. They had their own engagement party in their apartment, which D did not tell me about until after it happened, because it was for friends mostly, (any excuse for a party!) although the groom’s parents are local so they attended. It wasn’t a gift thing, although many of the friends brought alcohol. We will meet the future in-laws after Thanksgiving when we are in the area. I don’t even like weddings much, I can’t imagine what you are in for if your daughter marries into this family! There may be more family traditions to come. Good luck and enjoy the ride!</p>