<p>So, this family is likely to be very excited about the engagement. Your daughter is okay with the party idea. She’s found someone who loves her enough to propose. I’d be careful about the first impression you give being that of a standoffish family who thinks they are too refined to enjoy an invitation to a party someone else is throwing. So what if people think it’s about gifts? So what if it’s not your way of doing things? It’s the perfect opportunity to practice not putting the happy couple between two forces and pulling until they break. Be glad they don’t hate her, or want him to propose to his old girlfriend Griselda 
Go. Smile and nod. </p>
<p>Best Wishes to zoosermom’s daughter!</p>
<p>my vote:
You tell your daughter and the future-in-laws that big engagement parties aren’t your tradition. That leaves it up to them what they want to do. If they host one, attend and say “how lovely.” : ) If anyone questions the propriety of such a party, just say you think it is going to be lovely, was lovely, etc. Immediately upon the engagement being announced, ask the groom and his parents to dinner, either at your home or in a restaurant. If you are comfortable entertaining at home, that seems preferable to me. It eliminates the issue of who picks up the check, which of course will be you. Toast the young couple. Tell the other parents how much you love their son.</p>
<p>I’ve read you write before your daughters are on their own for wedding expenses. Is that correct? If so, the planning is up to them. imho. If you are paying, you need to decide both on a budget and what you believe is tasteful and how to accomplish that within the budget. If the kids are paying, you just have to say “how lovely” ; )</p>
<p>The old fashioned tradition is that the future groom’s parents make the first call and invite. I am advising getting a step ahead and doing it yourself, since if they want the big party they will be hosting it. You will have made clear you are pleased about the engagement. That is the main thing here, imho.</p>
<p>Also, the old fashioned tradition where I am from is that friends of the bride’s parents host the engagement party, if there is one. That is probably a local custom.</p>
<p>I think being friends with your child’s future in-laws makes life easier. ymmv, of course. You may share grandchildren with these folks. That is a pretty big connection imho. </p>
<p>Weddings are a day. For me the goal is getting through it without long term upset. In my family we still fuss about a wedding 25 years ago, where the bride forbade small children and infants at a buffet reception. And we all love that bride (now mom of college kids) Good luck to you!</p>
<p>The kind of party zoosermom is talking about is frequently 150 or more guests at a commercial “wedding hall.” Major gifts are expected. </p>
<p>I can’t think of a tactful way to tell his family you don’t want to participate without letting them know you think this is vulgar, frankly. “Not our tradition” is about as close as I could come. Anything you say about not being comfortable inviting anyone outside the immediate family is going to betray your thoughts on the subject. If there is any hope of heading this off by making your position clear to your D well in advance, that’s your best bet. Then she would be forewarned, and if the subject comes up she can manage expectations. Maybe.</p>
<p>I just ran into my daughter in person! Didn’t have much time to chat, but I asked her to clarify a potential engagement party and what she wants/expects. She doesn’t care what, if anything, is done, but she knows his family has it already seriously considered. Unbeknownst to me, one aunt owns a restaurant/catering hall so they want to have it there. Oh. She really wants all of the members of the bridal party and both families to be friends. I smiled and nodded. This has always been her personality. I am concerned that throughout their life she will be steamrolled. I hope not, but I think yes. I told her that we would be happy to meet the family, particularly their new grandson, but that true friendship is a special thing. So we shall see. </p>
<p>Sooziet recalls our former thread on this topic. My closest g/fs will not fly across country for a wedding, and asked me to throw a local party. I will do that AFTER the wedding and honeymoon. </p>
<p>I do have a fond memory of throwing a surprise engagement party. I was working in Boston, and visiting my hometown. I invited my dearest childhood friends to a party at my parents’ house. My closest friend told me he had just gotten engaged, but had not told any of his(our) peers yet. MY mom was only too pleased to be a co-conspirator. The invite list grew, as well as the refreshments, and the party was great. No one brought gifts, as this was a surprise announcement. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like zoosermom and daughter need to have calm, in depth conversation about the entirety of the wedding plans. This is just the beginning. It is probably going to be best to start talking it all out, rather than reacting as it unfolds. imho - based on lots of friends planning weddings the last few years.</p>
<p>adding: zoosermom, you asked what others do. My best advice to decide what you think is appropriate. That is what matters. again jmho Good taste is in the eye of the beholder. ; ) </p>
<p>My H and I are interverts, we don’t want to go to any party we are invited to. I said this at a wedding we went to over the weekend and the people at our table laughed and agreed. We do go and usually it’s fine but going to parties are not something we are comfortable with. Don’t get me started about a big party where I don’t know anyone, and I would be hosting. Oh my! </p>
<p>We met our D’s boyfriends parents last weekend. They have been dating for 3 years and this was the first time we met them. We live in Michigan and they live in New Jersey. They were insistent that we meet. So much so that we scheduled this trip to see them. It was fine, I guess and they entertained us very nicely. But I don’t want us to be friends. There are so many reasons. We are very different. They drink a lot and we don’t for one. It was a very male centered household and everything was about the father and his friends and his interests. My H and I are into exercising and golf and being active. They are not. </p>
<p>These are some examples. The mom told me she has no interests, that she doesn’t drive in the snow and that it takes her years to get around in her new community (they just moved). I felt the dad had no interest in who I was or what I do or what I am interested in. He was only interested in my H. The mom served courses in the meal. After every course she would clear the dishes and spend a half hour getting the next course ready and doing the dishes from the last course. She also was very quiet and spoke in whispers when she did talk. </p>
<p>I have no interest in being friends and am glad we live far apart. I am very worried (and rightly so per past behavior) that this family will demand all of my D and her bf’s time when they do get married. I am sure we will have no say and that the young couple will be swept up with what the father wants. </p>
<p>I am dreading the engagement and wedding. </p>
<p>The more I think about it, the more that I think the baseline relationship for families connected by marriage ought to be like the baseline roommate relationship: pleasant, civil business associates with a mutual goal of supporting the couple in a good marriage. If more closeness develops, that’s a bonus.</p>
<p>Deb, you sound a lot like me. I am very much an introvert. Whatever they decide, I will make the best of it, but I am hoping it will be reconsidered. I also very much hope that his family won’t go wedding dress shopping with is. I would be fine with not shopping for the men’s attire!</p>
<p>Engagement parties must be a regional thing. H and I grew up in small town midwest, have lived in DC suburbs for 30 years and never heard of an engagement party until cc. </p>
<p>D got engaged last summer, she and her fiance arranged for the parents to meet for lunch several months before.</p>
<p>These were never traditional in my family. They still aren’t. Since showers were not done in my circles either, the presents we got were wedding gifts and unsolicited engagement presents. </p>
<p>However, it’s either family’s prerogative to host an engagement party and there’s nothing inherently gift grabby or impolite about having one. They were intended to be the occasion where the engagement was announced as a surprise, to the excitement of all assembled. Because of the nature of the event, and intentionally so, there was no expectation or obligation of gifts. These days, with social media and instant communication, the point seems moot. People who throw them anyway should not expect gifts and they are not required. </p>
<p>zoosermom, you obviously know way more about the couple and parents than we do and we only know what you said here. But you say that you are concerned that your D will be steamrolled by the groom’s family and I don’t quite see it that way because you also state that your D says she doesn’t care one way or the other if the groom’s family throws an engagement party. I don’t infer that if there is one, that she’ll be against it (even if you are).</p>
<p>S1 got engaged last Dec and is getting married next year. There’s been no engagement party, and with us, them and her parents living in 3 different states that would be difficult. Originally we thought we wouldn’t even meet her family until the wedding weekend, but we’re going up to meet her family right after Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I don’t even know if FDIL would’ve wanted an engagement party or if she’ll have a shower. Those things may not be important to her.</p>
<p>I don’t know how you “tell” another family they shouldn’t celebrate their own kid’s happy news in the style they are accustomed to. I am with alh - you go, you smile, and don’t get so worried that it will reflect on you. It seems to me there’s no “etiquette win” in being ungracious to these people. </p>
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<p>This is a pretty good analogy, though the in-law relationship is longer lasting than a roommate one and even more important in the long run. But yes, at the very least, it hopefully works that both sets of parents can support the couple and be on a civil basis with one another. Even better is to have a warm relationship, even if not close. Being close is even nicer of course. </p>
<p>I haven’t been down this road yet personally. However, to give one tiny example, my youngest daughter has been dating a young man for over five years and they were friends for three years prior to dating one another. They have recently gotten an apartment together. She is 26 and he is 28 (though they were in the same class in college). I can see this having long term potential! I’ve met her BF countless times and his parents have met my D countless times (neither his parents or us live in the same state as the kids). His family has embraced my D to the max, inviting her to their home for the holidays each year, on trips, flying to see her perform very far away, and so on. His parents have not been in the city where the kids are when I am in that city and so we live far apart and hadn’t met for a while. But about 15 months ago, I met the BF’s mom (his parents are married) when she was in a state near me and we spent the day together. It was lovely and she asked me if I thought the kids were going to marry and I hadn’t thought much about it as my D was only 24 at the time, but her other kids are all married (BF is their youngest) and having babies now. She told me how much she hopes our kids get married! And I told her that when my D marries, I would be delighted if it was to her son. After spending the day with one another, she ended it giving me a hug and saying “I hope we walk down the aisle together one day!” All I could think of was how lucky I am (and my D is!) that potential in-laws (if it comes to that) adore her so much (she kept gushing how much they adore my D) and how much they support that the kids become lifelong partners. I know how it can be so much different for young couple and the fact that they embrace my D and hope their son marries her really means a lot to me. Truly. Then, a couple weeks later the mom was flying to NYC for a night to see her son perform and she asked me if I wanted to join her and so I traveled there too and she invited me to share her hotel room for a night and it was again, such a nice gesture. So, my kid isn’t even engaged, but already, I feel real good about this aspect (beyond already feeling positive about my D’s relationship with this fine young man). AND, to add to this, I thought even better about D’s boyfriend’s parents because they appear to be pretty religious and our kids are of different religions and they still embrace my D and want her to join their family. </p>
<p>"1) Tell the other parents you want to honor the couple and share the great news w family & friends, but you are concerned that it will appear to be a tacky excuse for gift-fishing (this might shame the other parents into going along w you).</p>
<p>2) Propose a more modest-costing, informal affair (a backyard BBQ?) and keep the reason for the event a SECRET from the guests."</p>
<p>It seems to me that if you dislike or disagree with the personal taste / entertaining style of this other family, you’re going to REALLY regret trying to co-host an event with them. At least if they do their own thing, you’re just a guest and not responsible for the goings-on. </p>
<p>I would not co-host the engagement party. It is the groom’s family’s desire to have one and if they want to, they should and you can be a guest and that’s that. </p>
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Two different things. I am not sure she cares about an engagement party,but I think there will be things that she does care about that she will be steamrolled about. I hope not.</p>
<p>These people won’t see it as tacky - that’s their thing. Telling them that you suspect it will be viewed as tacky - I just don’t know how you manage that with any dignity. </p>
<p>I think the “class points” for finding these events tacky are lost if you make your disdain apparent. It’s like the classic cash bar - I personally think they’re tacky but I’m not actually about to go inform the host of that fact. Smile and nod. </p>
<p>When I read this long list of who pays for what, it makes me crazy 8-}
<a href=“Wedding expenses - who pays for what? | Easy Weddings”>http://www.easyweddings.com.au/articles/wedding-expenses-who-pays-for-what/</a></p>
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<p>I’ve already told my kids, when your time comes, please don’t ask me help you pick out font styles for wedding invitations or to help you coordinate bridesmaids & usher outfits. I’d rather have my fingernails ripped out.</p>
<p>Do brides still need a “Bride’s trousseau”? </p>