<p>Some of that is ridiculous. Bridesmaids - group gift AND individual gift? Crazy. </p>
<p>I think we should let them do what they want. They have over 100 people for the engagement party and we have three, so I think they should do what they want and we come and smile. I hope that’s what my d wants. </p>
<p>My sister married an Italian with 7 brothers. They went to each other’s birthdays, anniversaries, holiday parties, weddings, anything warranted a get together. When my father passed away, my sister said her husband’s family were coming to the funeral and would be coming to the reception afterwards. I tried to estimate how much food to have assuming number of people would be there, then I ordered extra just in case. Unbeknown to me, when my sister said her husband’s family was coming, it meant the parents, every brother’s family (wife and kids). We were so touched by their presence, but they ate most of the food, drank all the beer/wine. We have a small family and I love to see big family coming together to support each other. </p>
<p>I personally think it is great the guy’s family wants to have a party to celebrate the engagement. Food, drinks, music with family and friends, what’s better than that?</p>
<p>Perhaps when your D sees her engagement party turning into something she doesn’t like, she won’t let the in-laws influence her wedding decisions.</p>
<p>What if “let them do what they want” involves splitting the tab down the middle? That’s what happened to my brother. </p>
<p>At party in future inlaw’s town, future inlaws invited over a hundred people, and my brother’s side included 3 (him & my parents). AFTER throwing the extravagant party, future inlaws presented my parents w half the bill.</p>
<p>I hope your parents said no.</p>
<p>^this becomes the issue. In my world view, the person hosting pays - period. And throws the party they want to throw. The only exception would be very very good friends with very similar tastes.</p>
<p>I am not giving details for obvious reasons: A good friend’s son married a young woman from a very different background. The bride’s family tried to get the groom’s family to help plan and pay for the wedding. It was clear their kind of wedding was not my friends’ idea of a wedding. So friend and husband said, “this is how we do it in our family. The bride’s family plans the wedding. If I get involved, I look like an interfering mother in law. We pay for the flowers. Please send us the bill. We will thegive rehearsal dinner. That is our custom.” The bride’s family tried to plan the rehearsal dinner. My friend just politely kept saying, “no, we will take care of planning. We will take care of guest list. etc” At the wedding, one of the newly married couple’s friends asked my friend, hoping for some explanation of the event, “did you help plan this?” and she said, “no. Mr and Mrs. X planned everything. This is their party. Isn’t it wonderful?” End of discussion. I heard later the bride’s guest list thought it was a spectacular party. And will ask bride’s mom for help when their own kids get married. eye of the beholder.</p>
<p>groom’s parents also paid for honeymoon and a very nice gift. Parents are friends and get together for some holidays. So it all worked out okay.</p>
<p>I hosted an engagement party for each of my siblings, male & female, and for at least one friend. The first couple were smaller affairs (40 people–everyone had to stand except for the parents) as I lived in NYC at the time, but all had massive quantities of homemade hors d’oeuvres and even larger quantities of alcohol. I don’t recall if anyone brought gifts, but if they did, they were not of the ‘gift registry’ type. My sister’s party was near Christmas so the invite read ‘please bring an ornament for the couple’s first Christmas tree’. My sister and I decided that together as we wanted the engagement party to be an opportunity for friends and family from both sides to meet, and not one where significant gifts were expected. These parties all happened 15-20 years ago.</p>
<p>By the time my youngest brother was married six or seven years ago, the stakes seems to have been raised a bit, but this was mostly a function of their ‘younger generation’ of friends. The party was now a buffet dinner for 70 at a rented space (private school, old Gold Coast mansion): linens, flower arrangements, bar set up in one room, hors d’oeuvres passed by my boys, buffet dinner in dining room, etc. So, still a homemade affair, but we had to hire a couple of women to help in the kitchen to get out the food that my sister and I prepared and transported, and to wash all the dishes. Picture Martha Stewart in her very early days–that 1982 Entertaining cookbook. It was nicer than some out-of-town weddings I attended years ago. This party did have the wedding gift registry type of presents, and it struck me as odd, but all of their friends had similar events. (Actually, friends probably had parties in restaurants.) This same group all went on bachelor and bachelorette weekends. Again, I am assuming a generational divide, as those of us who married twenty years ago did not go away on pre-wedding weekends.</p>
<p>I have posted this to say that I don’t think engagement parties have to be over-the-top affairs. My favorite wedding or baby showers are in-home events, but I realize that some families did not grow up that way, or have too many members to host in a home.</p>
<p>I have read all of these posts with interest to learn of the different ways families handle things. I don’t have any advice that hasn’t already been offered, but I hope that you can enjoy the event and meeting the other side of the family.</p>
<p>@oldfort, for the sake of unity, my parents kept their feelings to themselves & paid. Their esteem of this opportunistic family has continued to slide through the years.</p>
<p>A friend’s son got engaged. The parents of the groom had a backyard picnic at their house for friends from this area…so we could all meet the bride (most of us had, but it was nice to all be together). It was very casual, but nice.</p>
<p>But really…if they had chosen a hall for the event, it would have been fine.</p>
<p>I hope that I’m open minded enough to respect the wishes of the future inlaws…and be gracious in attending something they plan…regardless of whether it’s my thing…or not.</p>
<p>I think it’s important for the daughter to speak up on this. Party is ok, splitting money is not.</p>
<p>When I got married 25 years ago, my future father-in-law and his wife hosted a beautiful party at their home for about 75 people. I didn’t ask for it but I didn’t object either. All of the guests seemed grateful for my father-in-law’s hospitality and it was a nice occasion for extended family to meet. We put “no gifts” on the invitation, but a couple people brought bottles of champagne. I wasn’t expecting any gifts.</p>
<p>There was nothing tacky about the event whatsoever. It was a lovely, generous thing for my father-in-law to do. I don’t understand all the hostility over party invitations. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is gracious to criticize the style and customs of your daughter’s future in laws when you haven’t even met them yet.</p>
<p>I’m really glad that we are bland, neutral non ethnic folks. When my daughter and her future spouse arrived, we celebrated at the local fancy Italian place with the happy couple and considered it done. Why do you need another party?</p>
<p>The engagement party may prove to have a silver lining: It gives you all a trial run of the family dynamics you can expect to deal with from now until the Wedding Day. </p>
<p>We hear so often about “bridezillas,” but your daughter is the opposite: She just wants the people around her to be happy. Still, she probably has some private dreams of her wedding. </p>
<p>Sit down with your daughter and get her to visualize: When you close your eyes and think about your wedding day, what do you see? What guests do you see? How many are there? What does the reception look like? Because if she isn’t proactive, these decisions will be made for her.</p>
<p>Haven’t read the thread yet, so apologies if this has been discussed. DS#1 got engaged last spring. We are thrilled. They are getting married on the other coast and will have a smallish wedding. Fiancee’s family lives out there and they (her family as well as bride and groom) have a lot of friends. So the # we would get to invite will be small. So, we chose to throw a celebratory luncheon here in our hometown this past summer for our immediate family and friends as well as the friends they have here in this area (bride and groom met in our town and still have friends here). They were most appreciative, her family flew in for the party and spent the weekend with us. It was a lot of fun and I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. It wasn’t small and it wasn’t inexpensive. but it was a fabulous weekend (DS #2 organized a bachelor party one night and my friends threw future DIL a shower as well). It still makes me smile. Loved it, LOVED IT. They did and we did. Really got to spend some time with her family as well. </p>
<p>@nottelling what you describe is lovely and gracious. That is NOT the case with the NJ wedding hall kind of event that zoosermom fears, believe me.</p>
<p>I would definitely clarify with D and future in-laws that you are not in a position to financially contribute towards any engagement festivities but would be happy to attend. Would not like to end up with surprise bill or hard feelings with future inlaws. </p>
<p>Jym, we would have been honored to have your kid introduced to our family like that. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine having asked future DIL’s family to contribute a dime. It was our party and they were our guests. They asked if they could invite some very dear friends who are like second parents to future DIL, and of course I said yes. They were delightful, and it was fun to get to know the family friends. We had met future DIL’s parents a few times before and they were very gracious hosts when we were out there. It was our honor to return the favor, and no one is keeping score. </p>
<p>I don’t know where zoosermom’s D and future SIL live and if the fiancé’s parents live anywhere close to where the wedding will be or where zoosermom lives. Buy generally speaking, I see nothing wrong with the parents of the groom who may live far from where the wedding will be held, to be able to either host an engagement party or else a reception at some point after the wedding to celebrate with their family and friends who live either too far from the wedding city or could not be accommodated at the wedding (such as if the groom’s family is only allowed a small number of guests, etc.). It is a way for the groom’s parents to be able to celebrate with family and friends who might not be celebrating with them at the actual wedding. In any case, if the groom’s parents want to throw something that they pay for, I don’t see the issue, even if it is not in the taste of the bride’s parents. I don’t think it is necessarily fishing for gifts, if it is for the purpose I mentioned above.</p>