<p>Regardless of whether there is an engagement party, I think it is important for the parents of an engaged couple to meet. Your lives will be forever intertwined even if you don’t see them often or are not super close. It is advantageous to at least know one another and be as united as can be for the couple’s sake, but also because you may be grandparents of the same grandchildren.</p>
<p>Engagement parties are not my cup of tea either, but I also don’t see it as anything to get worked up over. Just go, be gracious and most importantly, have a good time!</p>
<p>Thank you, dragonmom.
I still smile when I think about it. It was a glorious weekend. We had her entire family (including 1 yr old niece) stay with us as well as my DS #2 and his gf (including us, we had 11 people in the house for a 3 day weekend), and my sil, bil and his wife and grown nephews at the hotel attached to where we held the luncheon. The sil’s have ambulation issues and one nephew is one the spectrum, so it was convenient all the way around.</p>
<p>Was the party low key? No. Fabulous buffet, musician, beautiful centerpiece flowers for the family table, photographer (personal friend happens to be a professional photographer and took photos for us), arranged for future DIL her mom and sister (at their request) to have their hair blown out before the luncheon (that was a challenge, but I did it). We had a dinner for 15 the night before the luncheon for the out of towners, breakfast buffet at our house that morning, a large picnic dinner (meals pre-ordered from Whole Foods) at a local venue with night laser show the night of (after) the luncheon, the bachelor party that night and the shower the next day. Then a walk along the river walking trail that afternoon with the families. That night the “kids” (DS 1&2, fiance and DS#2 girlfriend) told me I was off duty and they cooked a bbq dinner for the families and out of towners at our house. Then up at 4am Monday to get everyone to the airport, and had breakfast and coffee to go for them. Bottom line, it was a “leave no stone unturned” (including welcome gifts for all the family and out of towners, and fresh flowers in all the bedrooms) and I loved every minute of it. Maybe I should be a party planner in my next life.</p>
<p>If anyone thinks its too much, well so be it. We loved it and so did the bride/groom to be and her family. Thats what matters. Oh, and we had the woman, now in her late 70’s, that helped raise the boys ( she now has dementia but was able to attend, with her daughter and grown granddaughter, who we all know well) attend the luncheon. I loved being able to include them, and it meant a lot to them as well.</p>
<p>So, zoos, my suggestion, as MOG-- say thank you to his family, and attend with a smile. It will go a LONG way.</p>
<p>That works if the two families get along and there are the financial means (and willingness) to do so. </p>
<p>Then you have families like my family and my in-laws who are as polar opposite as you get. Being forced to spend that much time together would be torture. The wedding and wedding weekend will be plenty long enough. </p>
<p>Do what you’re comfortable with. I think it’s important that the couple drives the whole thing and I do hope your D is not trying to make everyone else happy. It’s the quickest way to be miserable IMO. </p>
<p>Best of luck. </p>
<p>Well we would never have done this if (a) we couldn’t swing it and (b) we hadn’t met the family previously and knew it would be fun and appreciated. Haven’t met the parents of S#2’s gf yet, and will cross that bridge when we get to it. But whatever happens, when S#2 gets engaged to whoever, we will offer to do the same or whatever he wants and makes him comfortable. We are proud of the boys and love being able to celebrate their happy times with them, friends and family.</p>
<p>In zoos’s case, it sounds like her dau, future sil (to be probably) and his parents want to do this. If they all want to do this, then, well, why not make them happy? And it might just be fun. Certainly better than that bridezilla wedding of last year.</p>
<p>( and to clarify from my above post-- I was saying to clarify- as MOG meaning I am MOG, not zoos)</p>
<p>I don’t even know what a wedding hall is!</p>
<p>Also, I would meet the future fiancé’s parents BEFORE any large engagement party. I don’t think the first meeting with them should be at such an event where so many are gathered, but should be more personal and where/when the parties could talk and get to know one another, such as out to dinner or over one another’s house.</p>
<p>As some of you may know our son got married about a month ago. We are secula (and Mr. Ellebud isn’t Jewish)r…the parents are conservadox. We like small…they wanted big and to have us pay for the wedding. The engagement was announced at a brunch given by the bride’s family. </p>
<p>There were times that I thought that we were losing our minds. But compromise did, in the end, win. MOB got "her"menu. I did find the venue. We paid far more than we wanted. Our goal was to give the kids a down payment for a home…that didn’t happen. There were parties (7) that has importance…a not expensive party. But some were…expensive. Our son wanted a certain menu for the rehearsal dinner. We did…at our home. MOB almost retched…but she went to the vegetarian and salad area.</p>
<p>And yes, we paid. The one great thing about the experience…our daughters do NOT want a big wedding. They want a small destination wedding for 20.</p>
<p>Congratulations to all the parents of the bride and grooms. It will work out…I promise.</p>
<p>MOB and I exchanged a few emails after S1 & DIL were engaged, and then we went to their house (in the UK) on our way home from vacation a few months before the wedding. We have gotten to be good friends, even after spending the better part of a week cooking for the festivities! MOB stayed with us for two weeks after the civil ceremony, and she and I went to NYC and saw the sights. She would be a close friend IRL – too bad she is 3,000 miles away!</p>
<p>No engagement party here. S & DIL are on one coast, we are on the other, and DIL’s parents are on the opposite side of that coast. </p>
<p>“you describe is lovely and gracious. That is NOT the case with the NJ wedding hall kind of event that zoosermom fears, believe me”</p>
<p>What if it’s not lovely and gracious? Seriously. But let’s assume good will and that it’s meant from the heart. </p>
<p>What happens if you’re forced to spend a few hours at something that isn’t lovely and gracious, but is given by well-meaning people? </p>
<p>“What if “let them do what they want” involves splitting the tab down the middle? That’s what happened to my brother.”</p>
<p>Is there any indication so far that this is what the other side plans to do? If not, I wouldn’t go looking for trouble. </p>
<p>Agreed. Why not assume a tasteful event, especially if the bride and groom have any say in the matter.</p>
<p>My friend did have an engagement party for her son and DIL. It was a lovely party, marred by the misunderstanding that the bride’s family was going to contribute which they did not. THings were left vague instead of clear, no commitments secured and in the end, they would not pay. </p>
<p>So when it came to the wedding, my friend did not want to contribute as much as she and her husband would have. Yes, they did end up paying more than they wanted towards a too expensive (their opinion) wedding, but less than the bride’s family expected and wanted. It is a source of irritation between the two families. Sometimes these things do cause issues. </p>
<p>Also, yes, there have been weddings, parties, that are not of the style one side of the family wants. It gets tricky if your child wants you to contribute, and you did not want this sort of thing, are not budgeted for it at all. Say, you have a certain budget for the actual wedding, and this is digging into it. It can be tricky maneuvering these things especially when your child is giving you the puppy dog eyes, and really wants you to contribute. I have no advice on how. to deal with such issues, other than carefully. Often there is no pleasing everyone or anyone, for that matter. Congrats, Zoosermom, and enjoy what you can, do the best you can, and let us know how it all turns out. </p>
<p>I think bevhills deserves a standing ovation for being so kind and gracious through a difficult situation. (So sorry about the down payment. ) In a year or so, we’ll be giving zoosermom the same standing ovation. She’s posting to figure it out.</p>
<p>Zoosermom: I am sorry you have to deal with the issue of big engagement parties, which aren’t part of your custom, while your mother is so ill. You already have a lot on your plate.</p>
<p>If D’s future in-laws want to host an engagement party, that is fine by me, although I think it would have been done by now. H and I are planning to pay for the wedding so we feel we have done our part.</p>
<p>Re GMT’s list.</p>
<p>Bride - gift for the groom? Groom - gift for the bride? </p>
<p>It would seem to me that these are unnecessary. My engagement ring was the gift from groom to me, and I was the gift to him :-). </p>
<p>Thank you everyone! Excellent advice and insight.
To clarify a few things: the couple and both sets of parents live within 15 minutes of each other. I could totally see something larger, like what Jym did, if we weren’t all local. We’re really, really local.</p>
<p>The family of the future groom (although I’ve heard through the grapevine, (i.e., my other daughter) that the ring has been ordered and the proposal planned) has never indicated any desire for us to pay for anything. It seems to be a family custom for a very big family given from the heart and for no other reason (although they do give cash gifts). I have no reason to believe it will be a tack-fest because these aren’t uneducated or uncultured people, several of them live part of the year in Italy and money is not an issue for most of them. So I didn’t want to cast aspersions on people I don’t even know, but I am just not wild about the whole thing and I am glad that my extended family won’t be invited. ( I mean, who ever wants those people anywhere?) It also strikes me that my D is probably the closest person in the world to my mother and I don’t think D thinks my mother will be alive to come to a wedding, so that might be why she is more open to this idea. Something to consider. Whatever they decide to do we will, of course, attend with a smile and a camera. At some point, D will realize that people can be pleasant, cordial and kind without being besties. In my own defense, I haven’t met his mother yet, but when she had surgery two years ago, I cooked and sent over two full meals for their family, which I heard were well-received, because I think it was the kind thing to do. I can’t see myself calling up the woman and going out or shooting the breeze, but if she were ever in need, I could certainly be counted on.</p>
<p>I talked to D2 last night and some more light was shed on the whole wedding, marriage, life thing. Ready? My D1 has a vision of everyone in both sides of the family coming to her home for every holiday or event. This would include my D2’s future in-laws and my son’s theoretical future in-laws. She thinks everyone should be actual friends and close and involved in each other’s lives. This is exactly the type of personality my daughter has, she loves and wants to take care of everyone she has ever met in her life. She is warm and very, very outgoing. Unlike her taciturn parents! This whole vision is very sweet, but funny in a way, as well. My daughter can not cook. It’s almost like a learning disability how terrible she is in the kitchen, and not for lack of trying. I am giggling thinking of what she might serve people. Gold bless her! Thankfully, she is the farthest thing from a bridezilla and her wedding vision (Pinterest, you know!) is very simple and casual and comfortable. Like her.</p>
<p>I have been to many engagement parties that were big. Mostly though, they were in the home of one of the couples parents, and may or may not have been home catered. If this is what the inlaws want, then go with it in the interest of getting along. Perhaps the groom’s family will welcome your D into theirs. This is the hope when you get married isn’t it.</p>
<p>I know your family, zoozermom, has its peculiarities, shall we say, as does my own. I wish your D all the best, and that she enters a family with more love and less drama. Maybe you will find friends with his parents - I hope so for you.</p>
<p>To be honest, when I got married, my H said he had a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins that would be invited to the wedding and I suggested that we make an engagement party so that I could meet his family. We lived in an apartment complex with a party room, and we used it and catered a bagel brunch. We provided everything, not our parents. It was probably a whole year before the wedding. In retrospect, perhaps one or two of the aunts, and one cousin reached out to me after that to include me in the family. Most did not, and these 20 plus years later, the aunts are all gone, and we have no relationship with the cousins. To my husband and myself, this has been a disappointment - that they never really treated us well or as close family. I have known families where the groom’s family tries to integrate the bride into their family and it can be nice. In the case of our family, we were basically only family for occasions that a gift was required, or for funerals. This is no way to stay close or in touch, imo.</p>
<p>Nice post, Zoosermom. (#96)</p>
<p>Your D sounds lovely, zm! Does her husband-to-be cook (I hope)? </p>
<p>You were very thoughtful to send the meals over. You said that you heard that they were well-received - didn’t they call or write to thank you?</p>