The boyfriend thanked us very graciously, but I didn’t hear from his mother. That’s really fine, though, because his mother and I are very different cooks (not better or worse), and everytime I make one of his favorite dishes, I send over a tray for the family to eat. So I don’t think it was perceived as special when she was ill.</p>
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Better than my D, but that is a very low standard. My D comes by it naturally, though. my husband and his mother were both nightmarish cooks. I could tell you stories!</p>
<p>The worst cooking story I’ve ever heard was canned tomato soup with liquid margarine added. This was what a foodie friend was served by her MIL.</p>
<p>And the first time I had people over for dinner, I made something with tomato sauce. I made the tomato sauce myself, using a friend’s Italian grandmother’s recipe. Which would have been fine, but I didn’t know what was meant by a clove of garlic. My mother only used garlic powder. So I used an entire head. Fortunately, I’d bought it at a small corner grocery with low turnover, and it was not really fresh.</p>
<p>“I don’t even get a vote, GMT! The groom’s family seems determined to have a huge engagement party. They do that for everyone.”</p>
<p>Not to cause trouble, but one is really supposed to give the bride’s family the first dibs of throwing the engagement party, if combined, or the first party, if separate. Historically, it was the bride’s family who hosted. </p>
<p>roshke, that is one of the things I hate about weddings - all this protocol one is supposed to follow, which I don’t know (or care ) about. Really, what does it matter who does what? </p>
<p>My future Son-in-law has been to a couple of our family weddings and has met all my siblings, even the one who won’t show up to anything anymore because she thinks we all hate her. He met her early on and she called him a would-be mass murderer because he wants to work for the CIA. Isn’t that sweet?</p>
<p>We will meet his parents next month and I will tell them that they should not assume we know all these silly wedding rules. </p>
<p>“You were very thoughtful to send the meals over. You said that you heard that they were well-received - didn’t they call or write to thank you?”</p>
<p>I agree it was very thoughtful of you to send the meals over. I also think, though, it strikes me as sending a message that you want there to be friendship / companionship / whatever and that doesn’t seem to me the message you indicate elsewhere you want to send. I have zero dog in any fight about what kind of relationship you want or don’t want to have with them; it just strikes me that if your goal is “we’ll just be arm’s length cordial and that’s all I want,” sending home-cooked meals when someone has surgery feels inconsistent with that. </p>
<p>My parents and my in-laws are arm’s length cordial and that’s absolutely fine with both sides; but then neither of them would be sending home-cooked meals to the other. </p>
<p>Though I agree with you, Soozievt, that the two sets of parents of an engaged couple should meet, sometimes the logistics, expense, and family situation doesn’t quite allow it. I love Jym’s engagement party idea, but I haven’t seen that happen too often in my circles. We meet everyone at the weddings. Also with exes and steps in the picture and SOs that can cause some issues, it’s not like a couple is meeting another couple these days. You improvise with the situation. And it can depend on when the wedding is scheduled too. </p>
<p>My two oldest have SOs and I thought they’d be engaged by now; in fact my oldest was contemplating getting a ring last year for his girlfriend. In their cases, yes, it would be very easy for us to invite the parents of the SOs over for a dinner. We’ve had them over at parties, Barbecues, etc, already. They generally come for desert for Thanksgiving and other holiday dinners–not dinner as they have their own schedules, which my guess is they may change when there actually is a marriage WE’ve never done a special dinner just inviting those parents yet, and will do so if and when an engagement is announced, but no engagement party here. Maybe an engagement announcement at one of the “parties” or other celebrations we have several times during the year. I had hoped my son would have announced it during our tree trim party last year, but he decided to wait and no word this year about anything. </p>
<p>Sounds great Zoosermom, and I"m so happy for you. Your D sounds like a gem. </p>
<p>A very wise woman (who was the MOG) told me that they sent to future in laws a check. The check was their gift to them to use as they wished. Brilliant woman. The MOB in out kids’ wedding wanted a 250 person wedding. No happening if I’m paying. We are going to a destination wedding next month. There will be about 500 guests. Totally paid, as per their culture…by the groom’s family.We’re going…having fun.</p>
Well the meals were two years ago and we haven’t met yet and have never communicated directly, so I had assumed we all had the same view, but apparently in his family once an engagement happens, it’s a different thing. I’m the kind of person who would help anyone if I could, it doesn’t necessarily indicate friendship. </p>
<p>Oh, I agree. People can always appreciate other styles of entertaining in a kind of anthropological way. B-) </p>
<p>The point at which I would draw the line is being expected to invite friends to a gift grab.</p>
<p>The kind of NJ wedding hall reception friends have described to me involves 12 lavender bridesmaids and a lavender fountain in the cake, not to mention a lacy purse for the bride to go around and collect envelopes. An emcee/dj. That stuff with the garter. All nine yards. 8-| </p>
<p>BTW, @jym626, your weekend sounds like it was wonderful.</p>
Yep. Although I think my daughter’s taste is a little better than that, I am confident there will be a purse for the envelopes and a DJ. The ceremony music will be the embodiment of perfection, though, because my son will be playing.</p>
<p>"My D1 has a vision of everyone in both sides of the family coming to her home for every holiday or event. This would include my D2’s future in-laws and my son’s theoretical future in-laws. "</p>
<p>You know, I don’t see how awful this is, and I’m a pretty reserved person myself. I married into a family in which everyone, including in-laws of the in-laws is accepted as actual family and IS invited to many, if not all major events and most holidays. Since my own extended family has lost all the elders and the ones my age are fractured and half don’t speak to the rest, I love that at any given event I meet more people who consider me and mine part of their family. And you know, I’m enjoying getting out of my comfort zone and not being seen as the curmudgeon in the corner any more. </p>
<p>None of my kids are engaged or married, but hey, these folks throw a party for most anything and we all have a great time. The host/hostesses pay and sometimes we contribute one of my cakes or H’s smoked briskets or ribs. Yay! More food for everyone! I’m sure when there IS an engagement, all and sundry will be invited to celebrate it. I hope the future brides/grooms’ families enjoys enlarging their circle rather than seeing it as a terrible burden.</p>
<p>I can beat that. A friend’s MIL was Not A Cook. Her version of tomato soup: heat up a large can of peeled plum tomatoes and add milk, which will promptly curdle. Her version of potato soup: boil potatoes in a lot of water with some salt. Serve.</p>
<p>@zoosermom, your D sounds like a very special person, and I’m sure her taste is much better than that which I described. It sounds as if the future in-laws are more sophisticated than that also, thank doG. </p>
<p>Although your D cannot cook, can we at least trust that she will be able to make killer mashed potatoes? :)</p>
It’s not that it’s awful, it’s that it never crossed my daughter’s mind that her siblings in-laws wouldn’t want to spend every holiday at her house that kills me! In a good way. She means well.</p>
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Nope. She can cook nothing. Even spaghetti and jarred sauce ends up looking like she cooked a broom because the pasta is all stuck together. I think part of her vision is her future MIL and me doing the cooking.</p>
<p>My cooking skills are mediocre at best, so I would not inflict them on too many people (though holiday stuff I can do…) So I don’t do dinner parties- I throw one big bash. Party time. </p>
<p>And my situation is clearly different than zoos’s as our kids and the other family are 3000 mi away. Since most (make that almost all) of our friends would not be invited to the wedding ( and probably wont come even if invited as its so far away) and DS and his fiancee have friends here in town who also wont make the wedding “A’” list, as it were, what we had was sort of an east coast luncheon/ wedding-lite. And we have no family here in town so it was nice to host an event that was friend/family oriented. It also helped A LOT that we already knew the future inlaws and they are absolutely delightful. If they lived locally they are the type of folks I would choose as my friends. In fact, her mom and I knew when the engagement was about to happen and were texting each other in anticipation, as several hours had gone by before we heard from them and we were worried that they’d been eaten by a bear or something.</p>
<p>So, I can see the desire, as parents of the groom, to host a nice party, but can also see that there is a risk of it being a mini wedding, and they don’t want to steal their wedding thunder. My kids arent getting married til next summer, so this party was far enough from the big day to be seen as a true engagement celebration. And no, it wasnt a gift grab.</p>
<p>Enjoy it, Zoos. Its a fun time in our kids lives. Oh, and I think the fantasy of all the extended family/inlaws/outlaws coming for holidays is kinda cute. As long as she doesn’t cook :)</p>
<p>H can cook as well as I do-some things better than I. His mother always swore that no woman was going to wait on her boys so they both learned to cook, clean and sew just like the girls did. Since H was single until he was 36, it’s a good thing he knew all of this! </p>
<p>ZOOSER, post 48- regarding hoping that his mother won’t go dress shopping with you. As a mother of all sons, I would be sad if my future DILs didn’t include me. I hope your daughter allows her MIL to tag along.</p>
<p>Can’t recall any MILs coming dress shopping with me, my sisters, my nieces. Similarly, my GF never had any parents come with her for dress shopping for bridesmaids–it was just bridesmaids and bride. We had a nice time and found the dress in only one day! We were pleasantly surprised and the dresses were inexpensive, flattering and comfortable. I think they were about $50 or so and I wore it often for years afterwards.</p>
Really? I have a son, too, and it would never cross my mind to go dress shopping with his future fiancee. There are some things that are private and I think absent special circumstances, wedding dress shopping should not include the mother of the groom. She would definitely be tagging along and I know my daughter feels the same way. Mother of groom would be very welcome shopping for bridesmaids’ dresses and I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself on the groom and his mother when they are choosing his and the groomsmen’s attire for the wedding. She would be very welcome for venue shopping and tastings and listening to bands/DJs, but not shopping for my daughter’s wedding dress. I understand that there are things that don’t happen when someone only has children of one gender, but I don’t think that means that someone else has to give up something they would cherish as a result. In some families, it would joyfully be the more the merrier, but not with us. My daughter wants me, her sister, her brother and her grandmother. Not even her life-long best friend. And I agree with her. </p>
<p>How do you feel about inviting her to go see the dress and out to lunch after it is picked out?</p>
<p>of course, for all we know, she may not want to be involved ; ) I’d only go see the dress to be polite and supportive. However, I’m always delighted to go out to lunch.</p>