<p>I am sure it will be lovely. But taking a bite out of a cookie and having a ring pop out can be fun, as long as she doesn’t break a tooth or swallow it.</p>
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<p>We knew we were getting married quite a bit before we got officially engaged. Part of it was because we were making/buying a ring, part of it was that we were still in school and waiting to graduate, etc. </p>
<p>I know lots of people who put off engagements.</p>
<p>oops, typo above. DS had to secret away his future inlaws to ask permission to marry her. Cute.</p>
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<p>I had expressed the same reaction to my son, who has been dating his (finally!) fiancee for many years and they had an “understanding” for at least the past couple of years. “If you have agreed to marry, how are you not engaged?” I once asked him. </p>
<p>But she is in professional school in a different state and they saw no point in marrying before they could make a home together. Further, he had no interest in becoming engaged before they needed to make wedding plans. </p>
<p>When they finally became engaged, I was actually surprised as it was ahead of when I had anticipated. What he told me was something along the lines of “I did not want a really long engagement, because I knew once we became engaged it would be lots of wedding talk.” (details of which he would just as soon be spared). “But at a certain point I realized I was getting a lot of engagement talk (from the GF) instead, so I figured I might as well move things on to get a change in topic.” (How romantic, LOL! 
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<p>I am delighted, as I was getting tired of referring to the young lady as “my son’s girlfriend, and presumed future wife.” Now all can be out in the open, including with the young lady’s parents, whom we know and like. (And I DO enjoy wedding talk, even if my son doesn’t! I try to muzzle myself about “W” talk with him, but at least I can discuss the subject with others!)</p>
<p>I am SO glad future son in law did not ask our permission to marry our D! He seems a traditional type, but as she is not our property to give away I am relieved he did not take that step.</p>
<p>I don’t think of the request as asking for “property”. I think its a charming courteous custom. JMO Did you/your DH “give her away” at the wedding? Isnt that the same thing as “giving away your property”? </p>
<p>I think the cookie idea is great. I hope all goes well.</p>
<p>Tangential update: Future DIL sent a photo of her in the wedding dress shes said “yes” to! </p>
<p>^^^Wonderful! Both DILs did that and I felt very honored that they wanted to share their excitement with me.</p>
<p>@jym626 yay…as a mom of boys, that’s very special! :)</p>
<p>ZM - skipping 10 pages (sorry if my comments are a repeat). I can see a big engagement party (perhaps if there were going to be a small destination wedding) OR a big wedding. Both would confuse me too. </p>
<p>Hmm… or maybe it’s a way to celebrate when bride and groom live too far apart to have many groom guests at the wedding. </p>
<p>Good luck sorting through it. </p>
<p>I don’t think that asking permission to propose to someone’s child (but an adult) is about property. I believe it is about joining of families, building lives and families and respect. Last year we had people for a holiday. I saw an intense (not bad in any way) between a father and young man who is dating the father’s daughter. I wish that I could have a fly on the way…both men came in and sat down for dinner.</p>
<p>The proposal followed. </p>
<p>^ When my son was about to propose to his long-term (since high school) GF, he stopped over at her parents’ house a few days before and told them of his plans. He did not ask their permission, but basically said, this is what I plan to do, and I would appreciate your blessing. So it was not permission, or property, but support that he was requesting. I am fine with that. (We only learned of this afterwards.)</p>
<p>In my D’s case, the first we knew of an engagement was when the couple called us together. In their case they were older and living in another city and it was a very different relationship. H and I were fine with that as well.</p>
<p>As with so many things, whatever works well for the couple and feels right to them, I will try to support.</p>
<p>I’m not there yet with my kids, but I will chime in that an engagement party is not even an idea for me. It will be enough to plan a wedding when that happens in its time. (Gd willing!)</p>
<p>As to being friends with the other parents- if it happens that is great, but I don’t know if it is necessary or even possible at times. However, being cordial is. You could not have paired two different sets of in laws as mine and my parents are if you tried, and they would not have enjoyed being BFF’s with each other, but they were attentive and cordial- sending holiday cards, asking about each other. I hope when that time comes that I can at least be like this. </p>
<p>I wanted both sides of the family to be comfortable. One’s idea of a wedding was a large reception, the other would have been happy with just family and cake and punch in their living room. </p>
<p>We seem to be more comfortable in the middle of those- nice but not something large or extravagant. If future in laws wanted to throw a large engagement party, that would be their decision, and we’d attend graciously, but it would not be something we’d take initiative to do. </p>
<p>And yes, we want to be asked about a proposal. Not because of an ownership or some patriarchal thing, but because I think it is a nice tradition and a way to join two families. I hope I would have a have a good relationship with my kids’ spouses.</p>