<p>^^^ You are living my dream. A little of everything.</p>
<p>Ds2 just broke up with his gf of two years. They were too young to be married so I’m not sad about the relationship, per se, but the thing that did make me sad is that now he’s on the open market and at college 1,000 miles away who knows who he will date next. When he was with the local girl, I knew he’d come home regularly. If they married, I knew they’d do so here. I already liked her family, so I knew that aspect would be a piece of cake. We still see her parents on a regular basis! When I read threads like this about different expectations, different customs, far-away families that I may never know well, varying budgets … it makes me sad.</p>
<p>YDS, All 3 of mine are with folks NOT from college. The one who went to school across the country now lives 7 miles from me. But the one who went to school closest moved across the country and met SO there.</p>
<p>DIL sent me pics, MOB and I sent each other pics. I don’t know if S saw the green dress she wore for the courthouse ceremony before that day, but I do know S didn’t see the white wedding gown for the celebration til she walked in on her dad’s arm. His face was priceless.</p>
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The couple has been together for 6 years and we haven’t yet met because there has been no situation under which it would have happened naturally.</p>
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<p>Ok…I have to say…this seems odd to me. Unless you all live a great distance from each other, I can’t imagine a situation where I wouldn’t have met the parents of someone my child has seriously dated for 6 years. My son and his GF have been together for 7 years. I have met her parents many times. </p>
<p>Anyway…before everyone jumps on the future in-laws about their desire to throw a party, some cultures do this. My nephew married a lovely Vietnamese girl this last summer, and in her culture there is an importance to the engagement party…there is an actual ceremony with a priest there and everything. </p>
<p>Of course, if the other parents want this party, they should pay.</p>
<p>That said, I do agree that some of these excessive pre-wedding parties and travel obligations and destination weddings are rather narcissistic. H has a niece who insisted on a destination wedding with a week’s worth of activities leading up to the wedding. None of it was cultural…it was just a me, me, me focus. And the pregnancy and birth of her first child was the same way…</p>
<p>I think most people understand that other families have different traditions, so I wouldn’t worry about how the customs of your future SIL’s family might reflect on you. My husband comes from a family of extroverts and I come from a family of introverts so their idea of a good time is to host large parties while mine prefers more intimate ones, but both can be enjoyable if you go into it with a positive attitude. It’s like visiting another country for a day. Just because I may not want to live there full-time doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy a short visit.</p>
<p>I think what has the potential to cause trouble is when one family uses etiquette to browbeat the other. I went to college with a very nice man whose mother and future MIL were both used to getting their way. By the time he got married both he and his GF were in their mid-thirties, but both mothers had their own vision of what their child’s wedding should be and was certain their way was the “right” way. They used every point of the wedding planning as part of a battle royale for control. They squabbled over everything and it carried over into the marriage, which ended up being a disaster and didn’t last very long. </p>
<p>I think communication is key. We have to let our children know our limits and cost constraints, just like we do when they go to college. If my child’s future in-laws wanted to give the kids a large party that I didn’t have the inclination to host and couldn’t afford, I’d thank them for taking the trouble to throw an event for the children and make every effort to have a pleasant time.</p>
<p>I have an idea. Tell me what you think. Honestly! My D2 and I (not the one getting engaged) have taken over my mom’s holiday baking extravaganza. Mom would always make hundreds of dozens of cookies (and they were amazing cookies) every holiday season to give away to all and sundry. She can’t do it anymore, so D2 and will do it on a slightly smaller scale. In previous years, we would help mom with the baking and since D1 has been dating the young man, I have sent tins of cookies to his household every year. I’ve come to learn what they particularly like and send more of those. Since mom won’t be participating this year, I was thinking that we would bake at my house and invite a few people over (like D2’s boyfriend) to drink wine/hot chocolate, partake in cookie eating, and pack up tins for various people. My thought was that I could invite the future groom’s mother to participate and pack her tin, maybe include one for her adult daughter, and maybe one for his grandmother? I know that she likes the cookies and this seems like a way to meet that seems more natural and less forced. what do you think? Too pushy? If I shouldn’t invite her, should I send some cookies to the sister and grandmother this year? FWIW, My husband, son and D2 all know the daughter and like her very much. I am the only one who hasn’t met her.</p>
<p>Oh I forgot one thing. We will be doing our cookie baking the week after I have excellent reason to believe they will be getting engaged. I know his family won’t want to have a party right at Christmas/New Year’s, so I thought this could be a way of breaking the ice because it would come so close on the engagement (I think).</p>
<p>That sounds like great idea. I get the impression that meeting and interacting with people is very hard for you and this seems like a very gracious gesture on your part-and a fun time too! </p>
Not at all. In my work I interact with people all the time. I’m very friendly and kind, albeit not physically warm. The disconnect here is between “friendly” and “friend.” My daughter envisions a very close relationship between her future MIL and me. I don’t envision or even want that. I hope we will be friendly and kind and respectful to each other, but I don’t really want a relationship apart from my daughter. I know that may not make sense to a lot of people who are more open to true friendships wherever they may be found, but I view friendship as a commitment that I don’t make lightly or often.</p>
<p>I like the cookie party idea. What I don’t understand is the waiting to get engaged. Maybe it’s just where I’m from but usually once they know they are going to get married they just go ahead and get engaged. Are they waiting for a specific day that means something to them as a couple?</p>
<p>My DS had a special plan and it took some organizing on his part. And, he was getting input from his future SIL on the design for the ring setting. And we (yes I say “we” because it took help on my part) had to get the ring made (gave him 3 stones from a family heirloom, and the center solitare, which was put into an elaborate necklace for my mom by my dad, was originally my paternal great grandmother’s ring from around 1850). Anyway, the ring was ultimately designed by (with the help of the jeweler and lots of emails and autocad designs) and commissioned by him, made by a family friend jeweler in our home town and then shipped out to him. Then there were other surprises he’d arranged as part of the proposal, and it was beautifully done. </p>
<p>So, to clarify, even when DS decided emotionally,financially and otherwise, it took some time to pull it together. And he had so secret away her parents to ask their permission. Cute.</p>
<p>@zoosermom, I think the cookie party idea is perfect! Especially if it is set up so that the FMOG can just kibbitz and keep you company if she isn’t a baker. </p>
<p>I too, knew when the proposal was going to happen. First (and this is surprise no one) I was asked to do earlier hunting. I went to four stores and looked. When our son went for the ring shopping. He chose the ring himself. (I sat on the sofa in the store). He chose and asked me what I thought. Perfect. He picked out the wedding rings at the same time. </p>
<p>And, as for the proposal…we were all there, plus many others…don’t want to be specific but I kinda sort of think that some of you might have seen the beginning of the proposal. :). And yes, I was the screaming mom in the audience.:)</p>
It was supposed to have happened a little earlier this fall, but my mother has been in the hospital and (pardon the drama) literally at death’s door several times, so they decided to wait a little bit. My future SIL has chosen the time and place, which is lovely, and I have been told the ring is ordered but will take another 2-3 weeks for delivery, so the timing will work out well.</p>
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Here too. Future SIL asked me at the end of the summer EXACTLY what ring I thought she would want. My daughter had already told me what she wanted, so I could pass on that information!</p>
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He knows she would never get near anything to be cooked or baked! She just flits around and taste tests while others bake! He is taking her away for a weekend to celebrate their dating anniversary and I believe it’s planned for then.</p>
A little of everything.</p>