I’ve mentioned in a few other threads my latest misfortune: I adopted an 11-year-old dog one week ago and found out two days later that he probably has bone cancer. So what I thought might be a year or so of life with an affectionate collie who likes to walk has become daily conversations with the veterinary hospital staff, medication adjustments, discussions with the rescue organization about help with the expenses, and NO WALKS, because the dog tires quickly of hopping on three legs and there is a danger the diseased leg will break.
I know that worse things happen to many people, and most people get through real disasters and tragedies. I don’t think my situation ranks with the worst. But it is, nevertheless, stressful, and I feel very sad.
This year, for the first time ever, I went to four sessions of therapy through our EAP. I didn’t really connect with the therapist as I would have liked (she was late for three of our four sessions, which absolutely colored my feelings toward her!), but I still found it useful to have an objective party to unload on.
We’ve had a really difficult few years in our family. Multiple kids diagnosed with mental illness and the suicide of our nephew. Therapy was helpful. For me, though, the most helpful thing was what a pastor wrote after his son committed suicide. He said that instead of asking, “Why me?” he learned to say, “What next?” So that’s what I do. I can’t do anything about what’s already happened, but I am in control of my actions!
Probably in second place would be reaching out to help other people going through similar situations. I’ve talked to multiple people on CC and IRL about their kids diagnosed with serious mental illness. Speaking to law enforcement, social workers, etc. has also been rewarding. It’s my way of trying to make sense out of what has happened to us.
I am also very sorry about your doggie. That must be a serious shock. You adopted a dog thinking you were going to take it walking and have an active lifestyle, and now that has completely changed and you are a caretaker for an ill, sedentary dog. I am so sorry!
I think you have to find a way to make the switch in your mind somehow. Talking to people is absolutely the best thing, whether it’s in person or online, talk. Even if they give you useless, unhelpful advice, at least getting to say how you feel is the most important thing.
Last year, there were shocking and terrifying health issues with a loved one. I became convinced that something else was going to happen, and this was it. I just couldn’t shake myself out of the fear and depression. At a visit with my doctor, I mentioned what happened…expecting her to say how horrible it was, and how sorry she was. But instead, she told me about how her father dealt with things. “This is what happened, you can’t change it, and now this is what we have to deal with. We just go on from here.” Or something like that. At first, I thought this was a little unsympathetic, but after awhile, I did the mental switch to this attitude, and it really helped a lot. I know it takes some time to get there, but it took me way too long, and now everything is completely fine.
There is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of what you had expected. However, if there’s any way you can make the mental shift, that you are now a loving caretaker to a wonderful dog in his final months, the sooner the better. I am sure this dog will have a far happier life with you than he would have otherwise. Maybe you can get one of those doggie strollers and take him walking anyways. :o3
Talking to a good therapist helps me a lot. I go every two weeks now. It has made a big difference.
The other thing I’ve been doing is getting out and hiking with either a local hiking club, a friend, or with a Meetup group. Walking out in nature with others does not give me time to brood & think about my problems. Just being with other people, even if I don’t know them well or know them at all, is a boost & social connection (even for an introvert like me). I enjoy the light banter and hearing about other’s interests and travel plans.
When I’ve had a series of difficult things happen, the immediate aftermath is often the most vulnerable time for me. I’m edgy and I’m anticipating the arrival of the next horrible thing to happen. Who wants to live like that? But it can definitely leave you with an undercurrent of dread.
I find I need time to heal, without any major problems, in order to feel resilient again. You’ve just had two, hard, emotional things happen to you right in a row. Be kind to yourself.
@rosered55 Oh, that’s so sad about your dog. How wonderful that you adopted an older dog but then to find out that he is so sick. We have never been without at last one dog (currently have 3) and it is so hard when they have health issues. I hope you find someone to talk to about how you’re feeling. I find that it helps.
I’ve had a very difficult week after hearing about the suicide of a close friend’s son. I have known him since he was born and it is just heartbreaking to me, thinking of how much pain he was in, thinking of his beautiful young wife, his siblings, his grandparents, not to mention his mom and dad. He has suffered for many years from severe depression and I know that this was a call that my friend and her H have been dreading. The fact that all of her kids are scattered across the U.S. doesn’t help in a very difficult time like this. A group of us who have been friends for a very long time got together twice since hearing the news, and just sat and talked about him, about our own kids, about things we all did together when the kids were young. It helped.
I forgot about the physical piece. It’s a bummer that the new pooch was supposed to get you out and about. I had started a new exercise class in January 2017. In my case, a specific incident in October triggered my need to talk to someone, but I am so thankful that I already was on a path of physical self-care. Three days a week I had a reason to drag myself out of bed at 5:15 a.m. to go work out. Of course, the endorphins helped so much afterward as well as the pride that, in this small way, I was taking care of myself.
Similar to post #7, my way of coping is workout. It has very obvious effect on my mood and the feeling of being physically stronger helps me to be mentally resilient too. I do early morning workout and there are groups of constant people work out at the same time at my local gym, forming a kind of bond which is also helpful. I have realized that taking care of myself is the first step in my taking care of my loved ones.
Hope your collie will be more comfortable under your love and care.
I have been helping a family member who was struggling for a few months. They are using a varied approach - going to the gym regularly, going to free yoga and meditation classes at places like lululemon, going to mindfulness and positive thinking classes at the local adult school, doing more local events at the library, museums, etc., to relax and sleep better - meditating or drinking calming tea at bedtime, and staying busy with different groups of friends. It is working very well and things have improved tremendously.
@rosered55 we had friends who adopted a rescue…and found out very quickly that the pooch had a terminal illness. They contacted the rescue folks who took the pooch back…even the rescue places don’t want to burden pet owners.
My friends cried and cried… they knew it was the right thing to do for their family. Financially, they just would not have been able to handle huge vet bills…and also, they all worked, and couldn’t give the sick pooch the attention he needed.
I contacted a person with the rescue organization right away, and we agreed that it is okay for me to keep L. The organization will be helping with the vet bills. If they had insisted that I return him, I would have, but I would have been upset to do so. I’m sure they would have taken him back if I had requested that they do so.
I don’t have a high level of confidence in the foster mom but I do trust myself to give L. a lot of attention and to do the right things, just with a broken heart.
I think exercise can be important too, and it’s also important to remember it isn’t a Tragedy Olympics. Your grief and sadness are real; it’s true there are people with more profound issues but don’t try to convince yourself you don’t deserve to be sad. I found it helpful to tell myself repeatedly that I “won’t feel like this forever”.
“Spirit in the Sky” and What’s next always works for me dabble in the working out, eating healthy, and always reading, but the older you get the less fun that stuff is IMO.
I’m sorry about your dog. My daughter recently adopted a dog with severe hip dysplaysia and multiple scars indicating abuse. She wants to give him a good life for its end.
I survive with the help of a good therapist that I see every two weeks. It’s been long enough that she reminds me of growth that she has seen in me that has come because of the struggles. And every session she reminds me of my timeline to get out of my marriage and start a residency for new certification.
And exercise endorphins are great.
So I do my best to live in the moment appreciating how far I’ve come and also seeing the present as growing time.
You are awesome and that dog is lucky to have you. Don’t know if it is any comfort, but you are clearly a better person than me and probably most people. Embrace that fact! It might help.
Yes, you are doing such a mitzvah taking in that poor, old dog during its final days. It isn’t what you hoped for, it won’t be easy, but what a good thing you are doing.
When I was going through some very bad time, my brother said to me, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” I walked through some of the worst scenarios and realized they weren’t anything I couldn’t deal with.
In my case, I lost my job few years back. The worst case was I would never get another job in my field again. I looked at my finance and figured out that I would need to tighten my belt a bit, but would be fine. Fast forward, I pivoted and moved on to some advance technology. I am probably more marketable than I was 5 years ago.
I went through a divorce few years ago. The fear was I would be lonely and be by myself for the rest of my life. I am still by myself, but I am not lonely.
OP - in your case, the worst case is your dog is going to die sooner than you expected. The good thing is the dog has you to love him for the remainder time he has. You are going to be sad when the dog passes away, but you would be no matter when it happens, so why not enjoy the time you have with him now.
I try to be grateful for what I have whenever something bad happens.
dabble in the working out, eating healthy, and always reading, but the older you get the less fun that stuff is IMO.