I love your new dog’s beautiful face. I’m sorry he’s come with heartbreak.
I listen to Deepak Chopra a lot and he would say to take the heartbreak as an acknowledgement that you have the capacity for love. That’s the “lesson” - he also says it’s far better to feel your way through life than to think your way through it. I firmly believe that “L” came to YOU for his last time on this earth. He chose you. Love one another and know in your heart that you’re doing a mitzvah (a kind and generous thing). Loving and caring for this dog who otherwise can’t take care of himself. I’ve lost 3 dogs in the last 10 years with the most recent about 2 1/2 years ago. He was a rescue and hardly with me 2 years. If you believe in such a thing, my boys have all come to “visit” me in the most unusual and wonderful ways. THAT gets me through too.
Hoo, boy.
Smack in the middle of a very bad health issue with my husband.
No, that isn’t quite correct. We recently lived through the very worst part of a very bad health issue. But here we are, coming through the other side. Or maybe there will be bad things yet come, but the very frighteningly worst part is behind us.
Here is how I have coped with facing it all.
Trusted that our excellent healthcare team has our best interests in mind, and that their recommendations are leading us to the best possible outcome out of of a number of potentially terrible outcomes. We did not waste time second guessing their referral for care. This cancer is very rare and treatment is highly specialized. Once my husband was accepted for treatment we never looked back, only forward. For a terrible diagnosis we have been very lucky every step of the way so far: to have had it unexpectedly found earlier than it usually is, to be referred to the major medical center where the treatment for this cancer was pioneered, to live only 30 miles from this major medical center, to have been accepted for treatment there.... The list goes on and on. The eventual outcome is unknown, but we got the best chance for a good outcome.
Personally, a single idea has continued to give me strength and a positive attitude.. it is something I pulled from an article: Finding " Thin Slices of Joy" in my daily life as frequently as possible.. The philosophy is based in this: "Successfully reshaping your mindset has less to do with hours of therapy and more to do with tiny mental exercises that help you recognize and appreciate "thin slices of joy"". Usually they are small moments: a good cup of coffee. A sun beam through a tree. A text message from a friend. A morning comic strip thst makes you smile... Thin slices of joy occur in life everywhere. And once you start actively noticing them it becomes something you can count on, even on the worst, most frightening days. It becomes a habit to savor the smallest moments of beauty and joy. It resets your mind.
Also, I have gotten very good at focusing on what I need to do today. Just today. Not what might happen tomorrow, but what is important today. Dirty dishes, a messy bathroom, silly non-issues are not worth my time. If he dies tomorrow, what will I be happy I did today?
I like the thin slices of joy phrase also. Reminds me of the Buddhist Dharma talks where we are encouraged to create a moment of happiness – no matter how bad things are, we can create a moment of happiness, as @eastcoascrazy says, maybe it’s a just a fleeting moment where you notice a sun beam through a tree and then your worries begin to encroach again. Notice or create that next moment. It does help.
Bless you for giving that dog a new life, even if it’s not what you hoped it would be. In my experience, life is always plan B or C or D.
This past year was especially challenging for me for a lot of reasons. I coped by praying, connecting with a faith community (although that was much, much harder than I expected), regular exercise, and therapy.
I also use a mental exercise to keep me from self pity. It’s a variation on counting one’s blessings. Instead of asking “why me?” when bad stuff happens, you ask things like “Why do I have a roof over my head? Why do I have a loving family? Why did my husband survive his cancer?” etc. It gives me a perspective that the immediate trial or bad circumstances might cause me to miss.
Thanks for all the support and suggestions. One positive aspect of this experience is that when I think, “Why me?” the response is, “Because I’m well suited to take care of an old, sick dog.” I usually don’t subscribe to “everything happens for a reason,” but in this case, I do believe that L. came to me for a reason.
OP - I am glad that your dog has you to help her through this process.
It is far easier to give advice about how to deal with bad things, than it is to be in a place where you are ready to take it.
In addition to the great advice about exercise, in general, I would add that the best way to feel better is to do something for someone else.
A few years ago, one of our labs had been suffering with cataracts and hearing loss as she was getting older. She would start barking for no apparent reason - the vet told us she was probably just getting scared as her world was getting darker and quieter. This behavior coincidentally was happening as MIL had been in the nursing home following a series of TIAs and early onset Alzheimer’s. At D’s suggestion, we ended up bringing our lab with us to many of our visits to MIL, as both of them needed the attention. Despite her very poor eyesight and hearing, it was clear to us that the lab still had a lot of love to give back to us. She seemed to understand that she was helping MIL by sitting right next to her, on her ragged blanket on the outdoor wicker furniture. MIL also seemed to have more moments of being “with it” when the lab joined us - MIL would joke about them “being a couple of old bitches who still had a lot of bark left in them!” The facility wouldn’t let us bring the lab inside the residence, but we were able to bring her through a back gate and get buzzed through, and into the courtyard. Even though it was probably only a couple dozen visits we had there together, the comfort our lab gave to MIL, and to DH as she’d sit on his lap in the van on the way home, was precious.
I never think why me. I vary between, why not me and I pray it doesn’t become worse. There is also no comparison on when something happens in your life. You can’t say you aren’t sad because someone else had something worse happen.
Yesterday was still a little chilly here, but I still sat outside in the sunshine for hours. I can’t tell you how much that helped me. I have trouble concentrating on things during difficult times. I can’t watch a movie or read a book to escape. To help me process things I will talk it over with someone - either my husband, a close friend or a sister. I do exercise anyway, which is helpful, but I’m a pacer as well when I need to think or process. I literally can’t sit still when I’m emotionally upended.
I swear a parenting book I read 15 years ago helped me to learn how to get through stuff and figure out what I need from someone. What you’re looking for really is validation of your feelings. It is really sad, it’s not what you had envisioned and you are right to feel badly. You also have the right attitude about it - it’s the hand you were dealt and you will provide the best life and treatment for this dog.
Thank you again for all the suggestions and insights. My dog’s right front leg was amputated yesterday, and I brought him home from the veterinary clinic about an hour ago. He’s getting around pretty well, but I anticipate that this stage of the process will make me anxious (wound care, medications, etc.). I’m trying to live in the moment, for both our sakes.
Hugs @rosered55. We cared for a senior dog that had spinal surgery (we got him as a puppy). It is amazing how quickly doggies can bounce back. I have seen many “tripod” doggies - they usually do well. Quick healing to the canine member of your family.
In 2008 I had what I sincerely hope will turn out to be the worst year of my life. Here’s a sampling of the highlights:
Discovery of a tumor in my breast. Mastectomy, radiation and reconstruction; something like 7 surgeries.
The day I went into the hospital, my father in law fell. He died 10 days later. During that time, my husband would come home from work each day, check in on me and the kids, then drive an hour east to take his mom-- who didn't drive-- to the hospital to see dad.
The kids brought home head lice from the movie theater.
The baby sitter was in a serious car accident. (Her crisis, not mine, I know.) While she did recover fully, we were without a sitter for 6 weeks (after my return to work) and had to juggle things each day.
Our otherwise healthy dog died one day while we were at work.
My niece's 3 year old baby had been born with severe birth defects. But she went to bed normally one night, and died in her sleep. We got the news half an hour after I got home from one of my reconstruction surgeries. I sent my husband over to be with my mom until one of my sisters could get to her, since I couldn't drive.
I’m sure there were more. It was like drowning in the ocean. Every time we caught our breath, there was another wave coming from a different direction to swamp us.
As to how to survive:
We were so fortunate that our family and friends were there. During that first week after my surgery I was told “not to lift anything heavier than a teacup.” That made cooking dinner for 3 young kids tricky while my husband was at the hospital with his mom. My friends at work banded together. Every night for that first week, a hot dinner appeared at my door at 5 pm. Flowers are nice, but they fed my kids when I couldn’t.
-My sisters were amazing. One took my mother in law to the hospital one day so my husband could spend a Sunday home with us. Another offered to pay for a housekeeper to come in and get to the stuff I just couldn’t. When my father in law died, they dropped off black clothes for the kids to try on.
We're so fortunate to be a family of faith. Each of us did a lot of praying during that rough year.
This one sounds so silly: just before I got sick, we planned our first ever trip to Disney World for the kids. That trip made a huge difference. When I couldn't sleep at night-- and that happened a lot-- I would watch TV for a while. But you could only watch Three's Company so often before running from the room screaming. And I knew not to research breast cancer-- there would be far too many statistics that would scare me silly yet not apply to me. So I researched everything I could find about Disney World-- and there's a lot out there. Somehow, knowing that I had reservations meant I would get well-- I had the tickets to prove it. Silly, I know. But it helped.
As others have mentioned, I let myself be sad. I'm a crier anyway, and this was no different. When I was overwhelmed or sad or scared, I cried. I'm a huge believer in the theraputic effects of a good cry. I'm also a big believer in Ice Cream Therapy, so we hit Carvel a lot that year.
@bjkmom - thank you for sharing. I like the idea of distracting yourself with something positive like planning your Disney trip - I have done the same thing, and I still try to find out as many details as I can before we travel, because having more information about something fun is better than having too little, especially when plans have to change, you may readily understand what alternatives are available.
@rosered55 - sending best wishes for the speedy healing process for your pooch. Does he have to wear the “cone of shame” while the wound heals?