<p>I am posting this to hopefully get some advice or suggestions from parents who have or are going through a similar situation on how to cope and provide support. For confidential reasons, using a separate username than my usual one. </p>
<p>3 days ago my world came crashing down a spiral I did not know existed. My daughter 15 was hospitalized for depression and suicidal tendencies. At first , I thought this was over reaction by the therapist she has been seeing for social anxiety. Then, during the in take interview things came out such as cutting issues, attempts on overdosing, etc. I cannot express how horrified I was that I had no clue. We talk on a daily basis about school, friends etc </p>
<p>I sincerely thought we would just go home and have some serious mother daughter talk. However, I had to leave her there and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. She looked so scared and small . Yet, I was afraid to take her home and be unable to watch her properly. </p>
<p>This kid is a good kid, an honor student, involved in school activities and volunteer work. There were some social mean girl stuff and she had some self esteem issues but there were no signs that this was so bad. She seemed generally content with several close friends. I am terrified about how she is going to handle this the rest of her life. I have not slept well since then and feel that I myself am falling apart with worry. I dont know how DH and I will handle this when she comes home. We both work and we have some flexibility but I am absolutely scared to leave her alone. We are unfamiliar with this and though we were told it was genetic, we have no one in our families we can identify that may have gone through this that we can seek advice from. </p>
<p>She is being put on meds and has had intensive skills group therapy. However, she insists this is not helping and that now she is fine. She begs me to take her out so she can come home. I miss her deeply and I know she hates it but therapists in house and her own plus doctor insist she stays in order to get stable. I agree but
I am at a loss.</p>
<p>Please google NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), Family-to-Family Education Class, and the name of your state. Then sign up ASAP!!! for one of these free classes. It’s a 12-week class offered for the family members of “consumers” (the name for mentally ill patients). You will learn TONS - symptoms, meds, communication techniques, problem-solving suggestions, ways to help your daughter become productive and independent, etc. You will also meet a bunch of other people (mostly parents, but sometimes a few spouses) in YOUR SAME SHOES! I cannot stress how important this is. I also learned that accepting your child’s diagnosis is similar to the stages of grief that someone goes through when a loved one dies. That helped me tremendously. I also learned that it’s normal to feel like you’re on a crazy roller coaster.</p>
<p>My main advice is to take things day by day. You make the decisions that you think through carefully, then you DON’T LOOK BACK. That does no good.</p>
<p>Other advice I’ve received that has helped is that for now, you just want “to keep the ball in play,” meaning keep your daughter alive. She WILL get help and improve. Don’t stress out about her future prospects at this point. You and she do not need that at this point.</p>
<p>I would listen to the doctors if I were you. They’re not perfect, either, but they have more experience with ill people than you do. One of my sons was hospitalized and it helped a lot.</p>
<p>Ask more questions if you’d like! I’ve been on this rollercoaster for exactly two years as of this week. I have two mentally ill sons (17 and 20).</p>
<p>I’m sorry. Is your daughter in a boarding school? At 15, she’s still in high school, is that right?
Honestly, if my daughter were telling me that “it’s not helping,” and wanted to come home, I’d look for the best team of doctors in my area and make the transition to them, and bring her home. I don’t think I could stand to be far away and not have access to information and to my daughter’s day-by-day experiences. She’s still a minor, so you are able to go any direction you feel is correct.
Also, young people do recover, most often. There is hope. Be strong. She’ll get better. There is a wealth of information and effective treatment available.</p>
<p>You will find that you are not alone, by a long shot. I have made a conscious decision to be fairly open about our family’s struggles, and about 95% of the time, the person I am talking to tells me they have a child, or their close friend has a child, who is mentally ill. When I hear of someone who has just learned their child is ill, I reach out to them and talk with them if they’d like. Do you have a pastor or someone who could hook you up with other people you could relate to?</p>
<p>Yes my D is in HS still. Not boarding school. The reason they suggest she stay is because they have a team of therapists and psychiatrists and groups working with her to get her to a stable place. Thing is she is very good at providing all the right answers, so we have to be careful. When she is discharged, she will then be required to see a private psychiatrist, which has not been easy to find yet. She already has a therapist, so she may be able to provide a referral nearby.</p>
<p>We visit daily and call her but yes, it is hard to leave her there.</p>
<p>Maine, thank you for sharing your experience. It does seem more and more people are open about it. However, in my family this is not the case and much of my family is scattered anyhow. I cannot even imagine the drama from the grandparents about how this happened. I don’t think I can handle that right now. The Nami site sounds like good idea. I will take a look and see if there is something in the area. It helps to talk to people who have gone through this. Even at the hospitals, we parents while waiting start quick chats even though we are total strangers.</p>
<p>I know this is the instinctive response as a parent, but this is not generally a good decision. Unless you can keep watch on your kid around the clock, removing them from a facility where they can be constantly supervised can backfire, especially since her mental state is likely to be particularly agitated at present.</p>
<p>Don’t be upset at the fact that you didn’t catch on. Parents very rarely do. My parents didn’t know I was depressed and my dad’s a psychiatrist. After all, the first thing someone affected learns is how to hide it.</p>
<p>MaineLonghorn’s advice is good - I’d like to toss something in with perspective from the other side as well. And that’s to act as normally as possible (obviously, within reason - if your doctor says to keep a close eye, do so). Nothing ground my gears more than my parents treating me extra affectionately or with kid gloves after I told them. Thankfully, they caught on quickly. Maybe that was just my personal experience, but it was important that I didn’t feel like an extra burden.</p>
<p>Collectiv, I appreciate your input. I will try to keep that in mind. It’s hard to act normally when I’m worried 24/7. I do hope that changes eventually.</p>
<p>Just realize that when your daughter says the in-hospital therapy isn’t helping…that it’s been a whole three days. To a teenager three days is a long time. To a teenager in a place she doesn’t want to be in, three days is a lifetime. But still…it’s been only three days.</p>
<p>I understand better now. It sounds like your daughter was hospitalized during some kind of crisis she was having, and your therapist admitted her. ? You and your husband must be completely overwhelmed. I think when families are faced with these situations with minors, that the entire family should be considered in the counseling. You need to know what is going on and how to help her in the future.
Often cognitive behavioral therapy is the method of choice, and if so, it makes sense for you to learn about it as well so that you may be able to influence her recovery in a positive way. I believe that families are still our kid’s first line of support, and even when they need outside help, the family needs to be in the loop. Can your therapist clue you in on what kind of therapy she’s receiving, and find a way for you to participate? It would not only help your daughter down the line, but it would give you a sense of being part of the process–not so helpless.</p>
<p>SollectiveSynergy- I agree that if the minor is in a facility near home and the parents can visit and be involved, there’s no reason to transfer care. I didn’t understand at first, as it sounded like the student was away from her home area at first reading.</p>
<p>Hugs to you (big ones!) Your world came crashing down but it’s not the end of the world. And you’re certainly not alone! I would guess right now you’re trying to look too far forward into an unknown future and it’s pretty scary. Not to mention the huge un-earned guilt trip you’re putting on yourself by not realizing your D needed help. You’ve gotten some great advice so far.
Know that parents are the last to know–kids don’t want to hurt their parents and are great at hiding their pain. Listen to the doctors and try to follow their lead. Make it safe for your D to tell you how she’s feeling when she gets home but as Collectiv said try not to hover 24/7. You’ll be looking for signs of depression/anger/whatever all the time but your D is not a bug in a jar and is still entitled to have feelings other than bliss. Try not to ask how she’s feeling more than 1000 times/day…
Learn about therapies and any meds that she may be put on and don’t make snap judgments until it’s been tried. When she gets home and you find a therapist, make sure she likes him/her and trusts them–if she voices dislike of them find someone else.
Often teens outgrow their depression and if not, they’ll learn to live with it and recognize the symptoms and how to get help when needed. And this sounds cliche, but be happy that your D got help and people care about her.</p>
<p>MaineLonghorn - have you, at any of your meetings, heard anything about TMS? It really seems to be gaining ground and I’ve seen a lot of good publicity. And while I’ve not really searched very deeply, I can’t find anything or anyone that it negates giving it a try, other than the costs; but I suspect that will change in the coming years as its efficacy is proven.</p>
<p>First, little people, little problems. Big people, big problems. As our children get older, we can no longer make things better with a kiss and a brightly colored bandaid. This is some serious *****. It’s hard.</p>
<p>Second, no one’s family is Ozzie and Harriet. Lots of people on College Confidential have relatives in prison, dealing with mental illness, abusive spouses, financial issues. And this is College Confidential where, I think, we’re a cut above! (At least our kids are going to college!) So don’t add to your burden of concern by assuming that what your family is going through is in any way shameful. It’s not. It is what it is.</p>
<p>And third, hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. It sounds like the next few months will be tough, but as several posters have mentioned, she is now receiving treatment that will help her. You’re thrown for a loop because this is all new to you. But now she can start getting better.</p>
<p>OP, also know that it may take a little while to tweak medications. To some extent, medication management is an art, along with the science. Antidepressants have different side effect profiles, and in combination with other meds, may need to be changed before the docs hit on a combo that helps your D. Some meds have to build up to a steady state in the bloodstream before one can tell if they will be effective. </p>
<p>Whether or not your D is on /stays on meds, our family’s experience is that talk therapy is important, too – having someone work with your D who will see past the “I’m fine” smokescreen and help her understand her emotions and actions will be a comfort to you as a parent. You’ll know someone else is keeping a finger on her emotional pulse besides you.</p>
<p>It is a hard road, but you and your D are not alone.</p>
<p>Adding to Countingdown…If meds are prescribed…different meds even in the same “class” have different effects depending on the patient. If one doesn’t work, another may even if the drugs are very similar.
and also…your D may pick one of you, you or H, as the “go-to guy” for this stuff. Don’t take it personally. Whomever is more objective will probably get picked to get talked to.</p>
<p>Consider what she has told you. On the one hand “it isn’t working” and on the other hand she feels fine. That suggest to me that it is in fact working, but not to the point where she is prepared to keep taking the medications. In her head she just needed some rest, and that’s why she’s fine. We all have heard the horror stories of young adults who go off their meds, and go off the deep end. As hard as it is, I would keep her where she is until she both feels better, AND understands that it is the regulation from the medications and the therapy that are making her feel better.</p>
<p>Good luck, and hugs. Don’t fret about not knowing. She’s an honor student, and is smart enough to find ways to cover. What matters is that you’re getting her the help she needs now.</p>
<p>On CTScoutmom comments…she may say “it isn’t working” (if she’s on meds) and you will see a new person emerging (hopefully the one you used to recognize on a regular basis). You will be the new eyes. Be encouraging.</p>
<p>If you are her immediate environment, most of the time, then it might be good (perhaps as she leaves the facility) to ask them or her about what are the “triggers” that kickstart her feelings of depression, and what are some of the “coping mechanisms” she finds effective to return to a more regular mood. </p>
<p>For example, a trigger for some folks might be screechy music on a horror film someone else is watching in the house, or silly squabbles between mom and dad over which car to take out. When a loving family knows the triggers, they can often reduce them just by knowing about them.</p>
<p>Similarly, if she knows what are some helpful things she can do when triggered, you can remind her towards those on her list. Examples could be: wrap up in a blanket, take a warm bath, do a puzzle, organize a drawer, go for a run, talk to a friend, talk to Mom…</p>
<p>Check out the work of Mary Ellen Copeland’s"WRAP" plan… wellness recovery action plan. People recovering from such an episode have found it helpful to write out a plan in the workbook. Each person writes their own list of actions to do daily to keep feeling healthy, plus what to /where to turn as soon as something feels acute again. People who have found this helpful in my family say that having written a WRAP plan can nip-in-the-bud a relapse and return them on their pathway to recovery. The longer one feels off-kilter, the longer it takes to return to feeling better, so these quick self-corrective actions can make a positive difference.</p>
<p>After someone writes their plan, you (Mom) don’t have to figure out what to do for her, but can say, “Is there anything on your plan to help here?” That’s empowering for her, as it’s her plan.</p>
<p>One of my son’s triggers is hearing us eat! It drives him bonkers. His extreme reaction used to irritate me, but now I understand that it’s a real problem for him, so we let him eat in another room. He manages to hold it together when we have guests for dinner.</p>
Is your daughter in a boarding school? At 15, she’s still in high school, is that right?