<p>This was in your earlier post and not yet addressed here. Aw, I felt so badly to read that is on your mind right now. “how this happened” – sounds like a matter of blame. There’s no blame here. Your daughter was upset and needful, so you got her professional medical care. It’s same as if she had surprised you with sharp abdominal pains and you sought help. It’s nobody’s fault.</p>
<p>When do you see the grandparents next? Hopefully by then you can just say, “She isn’t feeling well so we found the right medical help.” Request for details? you say, "Pass the green beans. " Sometimes with grandparents you just have to stay in the present moment, and not explain everything from recent weeks. Besides, you deserve to feel glad and proud you are now part of the process to get her help … not defensive, relative to grandparents’ opinions.</p>
<p>^^yes, you also need to take care of yourself. Take the time YOU need and talk to people YOU need to talk to. So far YOU are doing all the correct things by letting the people that can help…help. I can’t help but second paying3tuition in saying it’s nobody’s “fault.” Hugs.</p>
<p>WFriends, I’ve posted many times about working in residential facilities for teenage girls. At some places, the girls are not allowed to call home for a week or 2, because they want to go home. It’s an enormous adjustment. They don’t want to integrate with the other clients. They don’t want to conform to the endless progression of therapy, groups, etc. all I can say, in a general sense, is that I have seen so many teens learn about themselves, learn coping skills, and become honest with family and friends, that they value the treatment. I always tried to keep the family in the loop. Please do not hesitate to call the facility and find out the lead therapist, so you can hear what is happening. In some places I’ve worked, family therapy was weekly. In others, every Saturday was a family meeting. In either case, the goal was to include the family in every stage of treatment, and to share objectives and goals with the families.</p>
<p>Big hugs from a mom whose kid has suffered from depression and anxiety since quite young; now he’s a college sophomore.
A few thoughts:
Recovery is not linear; there will be ups and downs
Find support for yourself - either through NAMI or a therapist. I have had support throughout and it has helped me both understand and cope with my son’s illness.
Your daughter has an illness; I know all about grandparents who do not understand or accept, but this illness is as real as any “physical” issue.
Don’t look too far ahead right now; when my son is in a tough place I often think the worst and that is not helpful to either of us.
My son understands his illness as one akin to diabetes or epilepsy, ie one that requires ongoing medication and management.</p>
<p>It was questionable whether my son would be able to stay at school this semester given how he was feeling, but with a lot of support and a medication change he has made it. Take it day by day.</p>
<p>You are not alone. Take good care and please keep us posted.</p>
<p>When I was in my late 20s, I was treated for depression on an outpatient basis. I resisted medication at first, and this was exactly the argument that my therapist used to persuade me. And she was right.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for the hugs, sharing and great advice. It really helps.</p>
<p>Things that currently frustrate me are that while I can talk to the in house therapist at the hospital, I find that she is not spending much time with my D. This is because they have to split time between all the patients as well as lead some of the group discussions. D wishes to have more talk time with her but it just does not happen. I do let D know that once she is out, she can talk to her private therapist on a one to one. On the other hand, her private therapist has been speaking with me daily to be in the loop once D is discharged. She has also let me know some things to look for and expect. So this part is good. We did have a family thereapy session in the hospital and we agreed to set up daily talk time, where we can talk about anything at all and not necesarily “how are you feeling”. Though, we talk daily, this will make sure we set up a time when things are not hectic.</p>
<p>Maintaining a work schedule is a challenge. I cannot do my work due to the constant worry and phone calls. I am coping as best as I could but due to the small staff we have in our department and a an important launch of a new product, I cannot take time off. It’s a busy time. Frustrating me even more is the travel schedule I have coming up in January to train on the new product. I cannot change this and it worries me. I considered telling them I cannot do it but this could be a huge setback as they are counting on me and this is a job I need as it provides the insurance that I need. DH will have to take the lead with D for that month. After that, I hope to take time off to spend with her. I am trying to take this one day at a time but when pressed for travel reservations, which are now overdue, it almost drives me over the edge.</p>
<p>Medication worries me but I know it has to be used as a crutch for now. I know this is one of the important reasons she is still there. They are trying to find the right mix. I know she sometimes gives the “right” answers because she wants to get out of there. However, during my visit yesterday, she started opening up. The fact that she cried and opened up about it I think is a good sign. She usually hides her feelings and says she is fine. I told her it is ok to cry. Holding it in for so long must have added to the pain.</p>
<p>Yes, I think family can be an issue. Stigma about mental illness is something we need to work on. I admire those that can just put themselves out there. Eventually, we will have to do this. I agree, there is nothing to be ashamed about and she did not ask for this illness. I can expect comments from “were you drinking when the child was conceived” to “you probably did not breastfeed long enough” to “she is just seeking attention”. I remember an incident when they were younger, MIL called my older D crazy because she was afraid of something that made no sense to her. Then she blamed us for babying her. My D started to cry and a huge argument ensued. So, you can see why my fear not to share for now. </p>
<p>Triggers. I am glad someone mentioned this. We have been trying to figure it out. I have an idea that chaos and change upsets her. When we change something or if my DH and I fight over dumb things, she becomes upset and finds a quiet spot in her room. This is something I will keep in mind.</p>
<p>I just wanted to offer a word about difficult grandparents, or at least gp who fail to understand a whole picture. You are allowed to say “it’s private, and I don’t want to talk to you about it right now”. You are allowed to say “we will only be visiting for a few hours, and then we’ll have to go” or even “I’m so sorry, but we won’t be able to be there, but how about we make a date for another time”. As someone said, “pass the green beans” and resolute, unified fronts do wonders. And if these people cause arguments and weeping, for now at least it’s fine to stay away. You can do what works for you and your daughter, not the path of least resistance. Catch the flu! Come down with something terribly unknown but clearly super-contagious You won’t always feel like this, you won’t. Best of luck.</p>
<p>I understand your trouble at work. My husband and I have our own business (just the two of us), and this turmoil has REALLY hurt it. We’re just hanging on right now. A lot of that is the horrible economy, but if things were “normal,” we would have done a lot more marketing last year and probably weathering things better. Now I TRY to lump illness management issues to one part of the day, but I’m only partially successful. I wish I had words of wisdom for you in this area, but it’s just plain hard.</p>
<p>Besides doctors initially asking us if the boys had suffered any traumas during childhood, no one has implied that there was any thing that caused their illnesses other than genetic factors. I did have one close friend question some of our decisions. She was so angry that I had to distance myself from her. Again, you have to make the decisions that you think are best for your family, and not listen to the naysayers. NAMI will help you in this area! You will have scientific data to back you up when you say, “This is a genetic disease, and there is nothing that we did wrong.” NAMI emphasized this over and over during the class. The leader had to almost yell that at a couple of people, who still felt guilty about their loved ones’ illnesses.</p>
<p>It’s very encouraging that your D’s private therapist is willing to speak with you directly. That has been a lifesaver for me. Between them, the boys have two counselors and one doctor, and all three professionals communicate with me. The doctor and I email each other almost every day. He will text my son frequently to encourage him to get up or go to bed! He’s even spent time with us on the phone while on vacation 2,000 miles away. Even when your child turns 18, she can sign a waiver so that you can talk to doctors, etc.</p>
<p>Wellsfriend, I know you are new to all this and understandably very overwhelmed by your daughter’s illness as well as the rest of your life!</p>
<p>That said, do need to comment on your statement of worry re medication but necessary “as a crutch for now.” I don’t mean to be hard on you, but would you say medication was a crutch if she needed antibiotics for an infection? Chemo for cancer? Insulin for diabetes? Medications for “mental” illnesses are tricky and it can be hard to sort out the best ones/mixes, but they are also life saving, not crutches. My son with major depression quite literally does not function when his med level is askew, and he is not alone by far. And get his med level right, and the world turns around.
Do I worry about the meds? Absolutely and have for years - just as I would any longterm medication for any reason. Your daughter may or may not needs meds for the long run, but the more accepting you can be, the easier it will be for her.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, I think it’s great that your daughter’s therapist is so open and communicative with you. It does get tricky as the kids turn 18 and begin - rightfully - to assert independence. Right now I have no contact with his therapist but I do with his psychopharm and that is working out.</p>
<p>I have read through this thread, and I don’t know much about mental illnesses. I just wanted to say that you (OP) sound like a fantastic involved parent and your heart is in the right place. I think that you should be ready for others to judge you, but ideally I think it would be best to stay away from people who have negative things to say. Take care of yourself, your daughter, and the rest of your very immediate family.</p>
<p>It is great that your daughter and your family are getting set up for addressing this illness together. Your conversations with her are encouraging and as a mental health professional, I want to share my perspective about how helpful it can be to have appropriate, timely treatment. While the road can be up and down, there are many treatment options and good outcomes to be had. Look at far you have all come already.</p>
<p>Given the genetic and biological variables of mood disorders, it is not surprising that part of the treatment plan would be medication. Education of others can come later if indicated; right now you have your hands full with tending the immediate needs of your daughter. It is good that her “complaint” is not that she “has” to do therapy, but that there is not enough one on one time. During hospitalizations, there is often group work that optimizes peer support and helps the communal living situation go more smoothly. She is clearly seeing some purpose to working on this with a professional and that is such peace of mind for a parent. You can get support about how to support her as a mother and know that others are covering their to address her illness and the correlates of it. </p>
<p>I worked with families of inpatients, often with mood disorders, and started my career so long ago that many were not yet aware of the genetics/bio factors. We would tell many guilt-ridden families that you could not have done this to your relative if you tried. Rest assured that the more information and support you have, the better the process will go for all. Most people juggle work demands and an ill relative. That isn’t a choice and try not to be hard on yourself as you share these roles with your family. She is most lucky to have you all there for her. Best to everyone.</p>
<p>My younger sister attempted suicide when she was 15 and was hospitalized for depression afterward. I was 18 or 19 at the time. I remember us all walking around in a fog for weeks afterward-- she had survived and it still felt like someone had died, and we were all in absolute HORROR that we had not seen it coming. I’ll never forget it. We knew she was an angsty teenager but we had no idea that she was so unhappy, and once we knew we couldn’t understand how we missed it for so long.</p>
<p>We were surprised by how little stigma we faced. Our incident happened right before Thanksgiving and she had visible scarring, we had no choice but to tell people what happened. One grandmother knew anyway because I wasn’t at home when they found her and they didn’t want me to come home and see what had happened and be alone, so they asked her to come and sit in the house until I got home. She was too horrified herself to be judgmental. The other side of the family, the side more prone to judgment, I think could sense that we had enough weight on our shoulders without them adding their two cents and they were minimally supportive and otherwise kept their distance. It was okay with us. We were honestly just in survival mode for the months that followed, we did what we had to do and handled whatever the consequences were and tried not to worry about anything but the things that demanded our immediate attention. It turned out better than we thought it would. We kept as much as possible within the immediate family. We needed to regroup together… and not very much of what was going on was anybody else’s business.</p>
<p>It has been four or five years now and we have reached a level of normalcy now that I don’t think we ever expected to see again. My sister is still sick and needs help… but we see the signs now and can help her, and now that things are out in the open she is more willing to come to us for help. She has developed better coping skills as she has matured and things have gotten a lot easier for her. The fact that she ever got so bad she had to be hospitalized sounds horrible, but it was a turning point for her that I am sure saved her life and taught us all how to take care of her properly, including teaching her how to care for herself. I am glad it happened when it did, while she was young and we could help her, rather than a few years later while alone at college.</p>
<p>This is a frightening and overwhelming time, but it can and does get a lot better from here. For us, that time she spent in the hospital was invaluable. She had a safe place to confront the demons she was hiding inside and couldn’t handle by herself. Finding that safe place so she could learn to do that was a victory and not anything that anybody should feel ashamed of.</p>
<p>I would question why the grandparents even need to know. Our kids’ grandparents don’t. They all live at a distance and we see them only a couple of times a year, so it is just easier not to deal with in the first place. When one of my kids took a term off, I think I mentioned the LOA to my mom, but just the basic facts. </p>
<p>I realize that some may say that doesn’t help reduce stigma, but I also didn’t think everyone in the extended family needed to know about specific medical issues of a young adult who wanted to keep things fairly private. I was thankful he was willing to participate in therapy and keep us in the loop despite being over 18 – and did not want to jeopardize those positive things <em>he</em> was doing for his health.</p>
<p>Counting Down- You make a lot of sense. It can be good to spare elders any unnecessary worry and certainly a big part of this is respecting the privacy of the teen or young adult and preserving trust. It is their information and it is a lot to process. Often better to take one’s time deciding how to best proceed with info. sharing, if any is to be done. Therapists can be very helpful sorting this out with the person involved.</p>
<p>I dealt with anxiety and depression for many years. I was the type of kid who thought speech class was fun, and found it weird that people got nervous. Then I got sick and would only leave my parents house a handful of times a year. My social anxiety was pretty severe though, every time I left the house my body literally felt like a bomb was going off inside me. I did countless hours of therapy, programs, hypnotherapy, and others for a long time. Then seven years later I learned how hormone imbalance can cause the fight or flight trigger inside of you to go off and produce huge surges of andrenaline which makes anyone nervous. A few years after that I found out I had lyme disease which caused massive imbalance to my hormones and other chemicals in my body. I’m a severe case, but there are plenty of people who get anxiety from adrenal fatigue, or thyroid problems. A good hormone doctor could check all these.</p>
<p>The point is there is usually something physical going on that causes these problems. Someone doesn’t go from being ok, to not being ok unless something has changed PHYSICALLY! An example of this type of treatment is a program for autistic kids ran by a group of doctors called DAN doctors who believe in finding a physical cause for these kids. Many see great improvements by adressing vitamin and mineral deficiencies, and finding food allergies. Most doctors just put autistic people on psychotropic drugs and that’s it. The average doctor doesn’t address issues like this, and therapist aren’t qualified to. These are just suggestions in case the other route doesn’t work. Good luck.</p>
<p>Raiders, your story is interesting and reminds me that my D used to be outgoing also. Maybe, not as much as someone who would not be afraid to speak in public but she would definitely not avoid social situations. I remember she would speak for her older sister at times. She started getting moody around 12, but I thought this was teenage stuff. We live in a lyme prone area. Years ago, she must have been 5, she got bit by a tick. We had her screened and put on antibiotics and she tested negative for lyme. I will check into this also.</p>
<p>The other thing is that she unfortunately has had experience with 2 friends, one attempt and one talk about attempting. She has been exposed to this already so early in life. I think this is a lot for someone so young to handle. </p>
<p>Regarding the meds, yes it scares me. The hospital told me it would be a crutch for now until she successfully completes cognitive therapy, where she might be able to come off them. However, reading posts here and other places, it seems that she might be on these long term or life along with leaning coping skills. I will support her whatever it requires. Yesterday, I saw her and the meds have made her really mellow. It was like it was not her and that is what worries me. Maybe it is a good thing or maybe it will taper off and she will shine through again. I don’t know. </p>
<p>Regarding family, DH and I have decided to not worry about them for now and keep it private. We don’t live that far away but don’t see them that often that we would need to explain. Right now, we just say we are busy. When they call and ask about her, we just tell her she is out with friends or in the shower. I do wish I had my mother or MIL to help out, especially when I have to travel. However, I have a feeling I would need to comfort my mother and that does not help. </p>
<p>On a good note, one of D’s friends, her mom reached out to me offering to talk in case I had questions. Her D just went through the same stuff and they were in the same hospital. As a matter of fact, it was my D who took her by the hand to counseling in the school and made her get help. Shortly after, my D confessed to her therapist about her own issues. Maybe this gave my D the courage to open up and seek help. It helps to know I have someone to talk to nearby.</p>
<p>For those of you who have sent me a private message, please note that I am reading them and I appreciate your sharing and advice. I have tried to reply but I receive a message from CC stating that I need to have 15 posts outside of Parent Cafe in order for me to be able to use private message.</p>
<p>I can, however read the and I appreciate all your advice and contact information.</p>
<p>Hi Wellsfriend,
I have the same problem here. I do not have 15 posts so cannot send or receive any PMs.</p>
<p>Just wanted to let you know that I also have been there with my youngest daughter. It was most definitely a roller coaster ride and at first I was not able to share what was going on with anyone except my very closest friends. Even now, I am discriminating in who I tell what to.</p>
<p>It can be very emotionally draining on all family members involved so be sure to have someone to talk to and perhaps even take a break every now and then from worrying.</p>
<p>Fast forward to nine months later and things are going well with my daughter. I can now say from experience that your daughter will get better and will not be like this for the rest of her life. What really helped my daughter was enrolling in something similar to CBT therapy which taught her skills on managing her anxiety and depression and it has really helped. Medication has also helped tremendously in freeing her up to be able to practice some of the skills.</p>
<p>I wanted to address the feeling fine now and wanting to come home. Obviously, the other responders have discussed the importance of having your D stay put, but I wanted to add to that. Therapy is hard work. Getting better is difficult, and it feels scary. The depressed person can go from a place of numbness to one where she starts to feel again, and the feelings that come back first aren’t necessarily the positive ones. It’s progress, but it can also be a very dangerous time. A severly depressed person doesn’t have a lot of energy. One who is starting to have more energy as a result of the medication, but who is still quite depressed, is someone who can act on impulses, including the desire to harm herself. Best to keep her where she can be watched 24/7. My family member with depression really, really wanted to stop taking the medication early on and go back to “numb” rather than “feel everything.” And yes, insisting that everything was fine was part of the argument. </p>
<p>The positive feelings do come back. Your child will return to the person she was before depression. However, all the issues she had before the depression hit will still be there. My family member’s prescribing psychiatric specialist says the point of medication is to make the patient feel better while he or she works in therapy on those issues. Don’t rush getting off the medication. </p>
<p>Best of luck. It really is a roller coaster ride that you’re going to take with your D. Just remember that this is very treatable, and she is very likely to recover.</p>
<p>ordinarylives, thank you for pointing that out. We are currently conflicted about her feeling better and wanting her to come home and return to her school, where she has fallen way behind and the therapist wanting to keep her just a littlle longer. </p>
<p>She does seem fine, but yes she suddenly has a lot of energy, more than what I have seen in a while. Will keep that in mind.</p>
You won’t always feel like this, you won’t. Best of luck.</p>