Have you ever let your kid quit a sport team, a club, an organization or that sort? I don’t like quitting and I don’t promote it in our household. But sometimes you know it’s time to let go when things are not going well or the place didn’t deliver their promise they once made when you first joined. Also the opportunity cost is another factor when time and energy should be spent on things that help them pursue their goals. The sad thing is no matter how many reasons you have for quitting, people will not understand or agree. They will get mad at you, some will become hostile and even make hurtful comments.
Do you have similar experience? How did you cope with all the guilt when you see those people even you know your decision is the best option for your child?
I think it is fine to stop doing an activity. I think the word “quit” has unfortunate connotations. If leaving an activity amounts to violating a contract or serious commitment that others are relying on. or impacting others in a real way, I can see the issue. But otherwise, I think it is a healthy sign of development to leave some activities and explore others, and would encourage it. I don’t know what kind of reactions your child is getting (or you) so I can’t comment, but presenting the change in positive terms is the best course, and ignoring unfair reactions, though hard, is something you can help you child with.
When my son was a HS Junior he decided he didn’t want to play varsity baseball. The coach shot me an email so I talked to my son about it. He had valid reasons…workload at school, competition with a senior for a starting position, and following the advice of seniors who dropped a sport too.
My son came back to baseball as a senior (and started) and you would never have known he took a year off.
If you’re uncomfortable seeing people, and the going gets tough, and you’re getting the urge to defend yourself & justify your decision, perhaps think of a little phrase you can say to yourself.
Ex: “I made my decision. It was the right thing to do. Now smile & wish everyone well.”
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s rarely useful, you know?
You want a person to feel free to try things, without the pressure of necessarily requiring they do it forever. All you get for a “never quit” policy is someone who always plays it safe, and never learns anything new.
Haters gonna hate. “We were sorry to see it end too, but we gave it a lot of thought and think this is the right decision for us.” We had a reluctant-joiner and always negotiated ahead of time how long was required before he could be done with whatever activity. So some of them have turned out to be lifelong pursuits. Some of them, he didn’t want to continue after the trial period was up, so he was done.
So much to actually feel guilty about – pick something else
“The sad thing is no matter how many reasons you have for quitting, people will not understand or agree. They will get mad at you, some will become hostile and even make hurtful comments.”
Why do I or my kid have to justify anything to other people? For the most part, it’s generally irrelevant whether or not they understand or agree. It’s not their decision to make.
GMTspouse has more trouble with this than I do. I’ve FINALLY come to terms that my kids are not ‘mini-me’, and they cannot live out opportunities that I regret I missed.
I think there’s a difference between quitting and deciding not to continue to pursue an activity. S is finishing his junior year and isn’t sure he wants to play baseball any more. He WILL finish out the current HS season, but will not play this summer (for the first time in 10 years) despite pressure from his coach. Next winter he can decide if he wants to play (as a senior) or not. I was displeased at first (and honestly, H is still upset), but ECs are supposed to be enjoyable, something that has been lacking since a severe injury last spring.
I don’t feel guilty, just a little sad about no longer being involved with something that was part of all of our lives for many years. But I do “love the kid on the couch” so I will support his choice wholeheartedly and will provide a pleasant, non-committal comment (as @greenbutton suggests) to anyone who brings it up (not that I expect this to be a major topic of conversation in any house but ours, but you never know).
“I don’t like quitting and I don’t promote it in our household.”
What on earth do you mean by this? That your kids should continue to do whatever it is that they started at some earlier point in their life just because they started doing that thing? That you should keep on doing whatever it is just because you have been doing it forever?
People change. Interests change. Life around you changes.
If an activity no longer is interesting, or no longer adds value to your/your kid’s life, well then drop it and move on.
Our rule for our kids was that they had to finish out the season or year in an activity (two if the sport required expensive equipment). Other than that, it was up to them. I personally think we spend too much time as a society trying to teach our kids to stick things out no matter what, and not enough time teaching them when to quit and take a new direction.
OP, it sounds like your main concern isn’t actually guilt, but what “people” will think. That’s a waste of time and energy. You don’t owe anyone a defense of your/your child’s decisions. And if people are nosy enough to grill you about it, IMO they are in the wrong.
I once quit a sport because of health concerns. After a few injuries, I decided a healthy back (well, 95% - see said injuries) would matter more in a decade than a few more years of the sport. Finished the year, started running instead, and never looked back.
The next year, I tried another activity, signing up for a term. It conflicted with baseball, so I knew I’d give it up in the spring, but the chance to find out if I enjoyed the sport was a good thing.
Over the years, I’ve dropped several activities to focus on a couple of volunteer ECs I really cared about.
Giving something up (i.e. “quitting”) isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. Often, it means spending your time on other pursuits that you enjoy more.
For a few weeks after my son decided not to continue playing high-school soccer in order to have more time for schoolwork and other endeavors that interested him, I felt a little bad every time I ran into another soccer parent who wanted to know why they hadn’t seen me lately. It didn’t help that I missed the time I spent with these people on the sidelines, and it also didn’t help that they usually exclaimed, “But he’s such a talented player!” I got pretty good at saying, “He’s decided that he’s got other things he wants to get involved in. And how is xxxxxx (their son) doing?” Then we would go on to have a pleasant conversation that was NOT about why my son was no longer playing soccer.
Going through the same thing with our Sophmore son. My guilt-or perhaps a worry more so, is/was similar to yours, but seeing him refreshened and with a brighter healthier attitude certainly diminishes the “guilt”. Other parents are surprised when they hear and we just say he needs to focus on finishing out this year with a strong focus on his academics. That usually ends the conversation.
My son quit band due to a personality conflict with a friend in the same section. He had enjoyed band for 3 years but was suddenly miserable this last semester. I don’t really know all the details and it is rather perplexing. A deal was worked out with the band director to finish out the quarter at least. The good thing is, he seems to be enjoying his instruments even more now.
I remember back when I quit piano lessons in 10th grade it was a difficult decision. I did recognize I was not dedicated enough and had other school-related priorities, but it was still a little tough emotionally and I felt like a failure even though it was my decision and no one was forcing me either way. Although I have no regrets I wonder if some of these feelings carry over to when my kids have quit things.
We felt no guilt over letting our son quit marching band (before the season started) after a long deliberation, especially when the directors turned childish and nasty over it. On the other hand, I’m probably going to feel guilty forever for making him finish out a cross-country season when we knew he was struggling since he’d made a commitment. It turned out he had Lyme’s disease and I’ll always wonder if that decision has had health implications. I think you just need to do what’s right for your child; there should be no guilt in that.
part of being an adult is knowing when something isnt working for you anymore–its an important skill to learn so one isnt yessing the PTA to death or whatever one is goaded into doing because of what people might think.
i cant say i’ve ever felt an iota of guilt if someone in my house chose to quit something…for the most part, it was the right decision for that person at the time.
and i surely could care less what other people think.
My D was maybe second or third grade where she was in a situation where her ballet teacher said something just unbelievably mean and inappropriate. This was not the freaking Joffrey Ballet, it was a bunch of little girls wearing tutus and twirling around. I gave the instructor a piece of my mind, told her she was never going to talk to my D that way, and she/we quit on the spot. She learned that a) Mom had her back and b) you don’t take $Hit from anybody. That’s a good lesson, IMO.
