Sometimes quitting an activity that is taking a lot of time without being especially beneficial can be a liberating opportunity. See Cal Newport “How to Be a High School Superstar”. He advises quitting activities.
My kids were told that they were always free to quit an activity. Over the years, they tried various things, continued some, and dropped out of others. Guilt never played a role.
BUT…when my son was in elementary school, he was on a recreational league soccer team that was short on players because a couple of kids had gotten injured. He wanted to quit the team because he had decided he did not like soccer. But if he quit, the team would have had to forfeit the rest of its games. I made him finish out the season. I still feel guilty about that.
@Marian I don’t think you should feel at all guilty about that. You showed him a really great reason why sometimes people have to do,things they don’t like doing because it benefits someone other than themselves. I am with most people in thinking that if a kid isn’t enjoying something they should quit, but yours was an extenuating circumstance. Imagine how guilty you would have felt if he HAD quit, and all those other kids couldn’t play soccer for the rest of the season. You did the right thing:-)
I know I did the right thing, @Lindagaf, but my son was at an age when things seem black and white. For years after that, he didn’t trust me to keep promises because I had broken that one. I was sorry to lose his trust.
@happymomof1 That’s not what I meant and I am not a tiger mom lol. I don’t let my daughter quit easily on things if there is still something she can learn from or she is just being mentally weak. I evaluate each situation and she was raised not to give up without serious thinking and consideration.
There is a difference between quitting in the middle of a season or year when others are counting on you, though. I think one of my kids did it once – D1 was way overcommitted with ECs in 9th grade. There were so many new things to try, and she plunged into a ton of them. Then spring if that year her grades took a dive. Too many ECs, not enough time for academics, and she was underwater. We sat down with a list of her activities, she prioritized, and softball was the thing to go. (She kept scouts, speech, volleyball including off season club, Nordic skiing, library club, Amnesty Int’l, quiz bowl, piano – you get the idea, way too much to start with). The coach wasn’t super happy, and after she talked to him I gave him a call. Just explained that her grades weren’t up to snuff, and that was our priority. I loved going to softball games, was sorry she had to give it up. But I don’t feel guilty. She was not an integral part of a winning team or anything.
We were a lot more judicious with D2 about getting her involved in so many activities. It creeps up on you – in lower and middle school, the time commitments are a lot less. Then in 9th grade, suddenly something that was 2 times a week is every day. And there are also a bunch of new things to join. I think part of high school is about finding what you like, and that can mean trying new things and dropping old ones. We were okay with that. D2 took up fencing as a sophomore (dropped volleyball after 9th grade), and medaled at the state tournament senior year. Fencing was a much better fit with her personality and schedule.
Kids (and parents) are so afraid of a misstep that will cost in college apps that many don’t want to take a risk and make a change. But I think HS (and college) are the time for exploration. And you have to put academics and health (including mental health) ahead of “sticking it out”, too.
@taskmstrx yes similar situation. Coach gets childish and nasty! Thanks.
I don’t think every situation warrants “serious thinking and consideration.” I don’t sit through movies or finish books I don’t enjoy.
I’ve never felt a moment’s guilt when one of my children discontinued an activity. Why would I? My kids have never quit a sport in midseason and left people in the lurch; I wouldn’t permit that without a really good reason. But while you can feel sad at the end of an activity you and/or your child put a lot into (and face it, parents put a lot into some of the kids’ activities and develop relationships with other involved parents), I don’t think one should feel guilty or feel the need for explanations beyond “it was the best decision for child/family.”
This has kind of a tiger mom flavor to it.
Kids’ interests evolve over time. What’s wrong with letting their activities evolve, too?
Thank you so much for everyone’s advice and story sharing! I feel much better knowing I am heading to the right direction. It’s a sport club team that she quit due to the nastiness of the coach and the level of the game playing is way below what we expected. We had a couple options before we committed but the coach misled us to believe what we would be receiving. D is relying on this training for her college team and we quit to focus on a much higher level training. I felt uneasy because the comments that the coach made to the other players about my daughter and our parenting. Most of the players and their parents did show empathy and kindness but some still appeared to be hostile.
That’s not even quitting as far as I’m concerned, @kchendds. Your daughter is continuing her interest in the same activity, she’s just going to pursue it in a different program. To me, that’s like changing dentists because the office staff at your current dentist’s office keeps messing up the appointment scheduling.
@Marian I let her quit plenty of sports when she was trying out most of them and finally found her love of her life - volleyball. She is an only child and sometimes it’s hard not to have life go her way - doesn’t have to deal with the conflicts with siblings. I tried to reinforce accepting and working with others. She is a highly intelligent young lady and it is hard for her to understand how some people think. I just wanted to make sure she always tries to put herself in other people’s shoes and not appear to be a brat and I believe she is not. I think every child is individual and I have found the best recipe for my own. It worked for her so far.
When my sons were young, I taught them how to swim for three years. It was a hard work, especially during long winter seasons when I’d rather stay warm and cozy at home and watch TV than put on a heavy coat and drive them to the swim pool in freezing weather. I even got the help of Rowdy Gaines, three time Olympic gold medalist, to give a swim lesson for my boys. Even though they were fast moving up in swimming competitive events, one day I realized that my boys weren’t really enjoying swimming. Once that was confirmed, I told them they no longer have to swim if they don’t want to. They chose not to swim anymore, and that was it. It was very hard for me to accept their decision after putting in so much hard work into training them to swim and especially when they were really moving up in competitive events. My consolation was that at least they’d know how to survive in water, that it’s a very important and critical life saving skills. It was a hard decision, but I’ve never felt “guilty” about the whole thing.
Another decision that was even harder was having my second boy “quit” competitive chess shortly after winning the State Scholastic Chess Championship in K-3 division. He was the highest USCF rated player in his state in that division and ranked top 20 in the nation for his age group. He was naturally gifted in chess, so “quitting” something he’s so good at was the most difficult decision of our lives. It’s not that he didn’t like chess, either. It was more a “sacrifice,” He was also a serious violinist, and there was a serious conflict in how to spend our limited time. One had to go. Competing at a state or national level means being able to train at least 2-3 hours a day in chess, and even more so with violin. It was impossible to keep up with both. I felt that, in the long run, my son would be better off pursuing violin than chess. Another reason for sacrificing chess was having witnessed so many mentally unstable “masters” and “grandmasters” in the chess world. It’s an extremely individual game whereas with violin it’s more “communal” and social activity. “Quitting” chess, I felt, was out of necessity and therefore there was no “guilt” involved. We simply had to do what we had to do. The decision also paid off as my son was able to accomplish much by pursuing violin with more time and dedication. Years later, at a sudden whim, he decided to return to a state chess championship just for once. Needless to say, he got his rear end kicked by all the kids that he used to terrorize. But he still had so much fun, at least being able to see his old friends-foes he hasn’t seen in years.
So, in our case, “quitting” was always a positive move. Those decisions were hard, but we never looked back with any sense of regret.
After having all three of my kids diagnosed with mental illnesses (ranging from fairly minor to very severe), I started looking at their OVERALL health. If an activity is stressing them out too much, I have NO PROBLEM letting them quit. My 18-year-old daughter, a HS senior, wasn’t enjoying cross country. She asked if she could quit, and I said, “Sure!” without a second thought. I really think a lot of kids today are way too stressed. More of my daughters are seeing therapists than aren’t! Society really needs to rethink its definition of “success.”
I don’t feel guilty about letting my kids quit. I went so far as to encourage one of my children to quit high school half-way through her sophomore year. Best thing that could have ever happened to her. Two and a half years later, she is a much happier kid and will be heading off to her first choice college on a full tuition scholarship in the fall. Quitting is often the key to finding new opportunities.
I gave the green light for our D2 to quit a school club. She got a lot of grief in the form of lecturing emails from the club coach. I just encouraged her to decide what she was going to do, then move forward. It’s just too much to ask that everyone around you agree with your decision.
It was very uncomfortable for her when the coach was “trying to make her feel guilty about quitting”. She was very angry with him for “doing that to her” and felt it was “unfair”.
What a great learning experience though, right? In the end, the coach’s reaction only confirmed many of the reasons she wasn’t enjoying the club any longer.
Tigger dad, you say YOU felt competitive violin was better for your son than competitive chess. But you didn’t mention what he wanted to do. What if he’s wanted to discontinue both, or pursue them non-competitively? Was that an option?
Or how about continuing violin or,chess…but not on a competitive level?
We wanted our kids to work cooperatively with others…not in a competitive way.
@TiggerDad Out of curiosity, was your son around USCF 1900-2000 when he quit?
(I play in adult and scholastic tournaments and am on several state and national ‘top’ lists, but my rating jumps around in the 14-1600s - outside of a few tournaments a month, I practice very little due to school.)