@Pizzagirl - I was fortunate enough that my son loved both chess and violin, so sacrificing one didn’t pose any challenge or conflict whatsoever. The reason why there was no conflict is that, while he continued on competitively with violin, he still was able to play chess as a hobby. In fact, he founded his high school’s first chess club. Unfortunately, it had to be disbanded after a year due to lack of members.
My older son, who I didn’t mention in my earlier post, in fact not only quit chess but piano and viola, as well. Those were his choices, not mine. He fell in love with tennis, instead, so I supported him in that direction. When both my sons were in a local youth symphony, the older one quit that, too, while the younger one continued. That decision was their’s. The younger one loves music too much that he won’t quit violin no matter what. When things get stressful, like this junior year, he handles stress by going downstairs to basement and make music with acapella app.
@thumper1 - My son plays violin competitively but non-competitively, as well, such as in youth symphony, high school symphony, quartet and other ensemble. The reason why most violinists (and other instrumentalists) do get into competitions is because that’s the most effective method of improving oneself. Now, if he had displayed any indication that he didn’t like competitive environment, then I probably wouldn’t have had any hesitation in having him quit that environment. Fortunately for us, he thrived in that environment. Probably what helped the situation was that winning came easily for him, and who doesn’t like winning, so it kept him going. But the kind of environment that enjoys the most more than competition is making music with others, especially making music at the highest level of quality. My older son didn’t like music, so I had him quit everything that has anything to do with music. In fact, I just traded in his old viola for a carbon fiber violin bow for my first son to be used as a backup bow and for international concert tour (his main pernambucco bow has an ivory which is now forbidden for international transport, so the carbon fiber bow). Worked out great for my pocket!!
@TiggerDad Sorry, I assumed you were in CA (in which case my guesstimate would be rather conservative) - smaller states, it’s definitely difficult to get high!
Growing up means making decisions. It is not wise to try to do everything forever. There is no reason to feel guilty. just be supportive of the pursuits your child had elected to continue.
My son joined Boy Scouts early and it was lots of fun. I became a Cub leader with a friend and we dreamed of Eagle scouts. Well,a few years later Boy Scouts came around and my son joined an established troop. He decided he hated it after a few months.
. What a disappointment (to me at least)!
Question:(after many diiscussions) WHY do you want to quit?
Answer: I don’t need any more people nagging at me.
It was a light bulb moment for me. I couldn’t argue with that. He quit with my blessing.
It was supposed to be fun and an outlet and for him it wasn’t. It had become a chore and task list.
There are a ton of hobbies and experiences in the world and life is too short to not try new things and find those that can make you happy. Hobbies are a source of stress relief and learning that you can quit one in pursuit of something more soul satisfying is a good lesson.
People join organizations for personal satisfaction. If they are not being fulfilled or life changes for them they may leave. It is not a reflection on the organization nor the individual.
We let our kids quit stuff if they don’t enjoy it anymore. Since they’re not going to be professional soccer players, flautists, equestrians, um, swimmers, (trying to remember all the stuff they’ve tried), it’s fine in our family to try stuff to see if you like it. If you don’t, hey, that’s cool, it was fun to try it and there’s something else to try. There’s a big world of things to try out there.
That’s the operative part-fun. There’s a lot in kids lives that isn’t fun, so unless it’s absolutely necessary for health and well-being, like you don’t get to quit cleaning your room, or eating your veggies, all quittable things are up for discussion.
Sometimes we’ll ask them to agree to a contract if they want to try something that involves a lot of sunk cost for us, like flute lessons. Younger D played flute in middle school, stopped when she got to high school because the band wanted too much time, and then asked if she could take private lessons last year. We agreed as long as she agreed to take them for six months without putting social stuff ahead of the lessons. She just renewed her contract with us and loves taking the lessons, so that seems to work well for her, and it makes the flute purchase less onerous for us.
The Freakonomics guys have a podcast about the upside of quitting that’s very interesting.
I could not wait until my kid quit some of her 5 ECs that she happened to accumulate by the age of 7. It took her few years, but finally she realized that she has no ability in couple of them. I started breathing a bit easier, while still driving her to other 3 after work until she got her license at 16. I am not sure about “guilt” situation at all, I was simply relieved. She continued with 3 all thru HS and graduated with one of them as a minor from college. Again, she had to drop her sport while in college because of time limitations and there were no discussion of any kind of guilt, which I do not even understand. Guilt for what?
For me, I didn’t really feel guilt as much as sadness when my kids give up team sports.
When DD '17 quit basketball, spouse and I were sad not because she was giving up any great talent or opportunity but because it was her outlet for competing. After practice and games she was generally happy and bubbly, but she wanted to quit after freshman year, so that was that.
DS '20 is going into high school and has chosen not play football in high school. He’s been really successful at the youth level the last two years, but our high school is big and he would probably be Freshman B team versus A team. My wife loves football, so this is hard on her.
I do love watching my kids out competing in team sports. I miss the opportunities to watch them. Fortunately there is still lacrosse for DS '20.
^^The devil’s advocate to “don’t quit on a hard day” is “enough is enough”.
When the equestrian coach filled the girls’ helmets (the entire team of 15 girls) with fresh manure because they didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the barn, then joked that the last kid she did that to washed her helmet in the dishwasher to try and clean it and got blisters all over her scalp and forehead from the soap residue, I said “enough is enough”.
Don’t even get me started about the fact that she was smoking, IN THE BARN FULL OF HAY, at the time she was punishing the girls for not being tidy enough. This was the varsity equestrian coach in our school. I had arrived early because I was concerned about the coach’s behavior up to this point and wanted to keep an eye on her, and I personally witnessed it.
I don’t feel guilty because I don’t view choosing not to participate in an activity or stopping an activity as quitting ( with the exception of school) People should be able to try different activities to see what they enjoy and where their strengths lie. Expecting children to have the same level of commitment to something that an adult would is unrealistic IMO.
I have four kids. If they want to stop participating in an activity that does not give them joy and fulfillment, they only need to ask once! LOL. I have absolutely no desire to schlep kids to activities that they do not want to do!
It is absolutely part of the normal process of growing up to let go of some sports and activities in order to have time to embrace new ones and find one’s true passions. People evolve and change in their tastes and preferences. My parents let me quit a lot of things that weren’t my cup of tea and that allowed me to focus on the things I really cared about (art and writing) and so I developed a killer art portfolio that earned me a scholarship to RISD, the top visual arts college in America. I may not have had time to do that if I was forced to continue activities I did not enjoy or excel at such as tennis and piano (I peaked at Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star). I think we are locking kids in way too soon- I was told when I went to sign my 7 year old up for community soccer that “all the teams are already formed so if your kid wants to play, you’ll have to start your own team.” Really? 7 is too late to start soccer? (We started a team with all the “leftover” kids, most of whom happened to be Latino immigrants, and won every game.) After several years of soccer my son “quit” to try basketball, wrestling and tennis. He’s now earning a PhD in Computer Science. The freedom of choice is such a gift - so let your kids choose what they love and let go of things that are not sparking their passion.
Sometimes I wished my kids WOULD quit. My D1 was the captain of a sports team as a junior in HS that got a new coach her junior year. Their schools was a sort of liberal arts HS where sports are NOT a top priority of anyone at the school. They field teams, the kids have fun, but they also encourage the kids to do a lot of activities (most kids are in quite a few activities). This coach was from a school across town that was a top program, and she was determined to remake the one at our school. I think she literally did not know another way to coach. Every girl in my D’s grade except my D quit (the seniors, too – so ALL the juniors and seniors except D). She felt obligated to stay as the captain, but honestly – those last two years sucked for everyone. I wish she had been willing to quit. She didn’t learn anything, except maybe to avoid totalitarian type bosses now that she is an adult. It made her last two years of HS a lot less fun.
I would feel guilt over forcing my kid to stay in activity they didn’t like or wasn’t serving them well. Not guilt over what other people might say/think.
I wish I had seen this thread a year ago! Sometimes it can be so hard to see when it is time to stop - only in retrospect does it seem obvious. My D did team gymnastics for years. That is a sport that really creeps up on you… somehow by the time she was 11 she was at the gym 20 hours a week and had no time for anything else. It’s year round, so no obvious breaking point. I could see it was starting to wear her down, but her investment in it as her identity was huge. I kept asking her if she wanted to take a break, but she never did for fear of “falling behind.” One day after school, I told her that we were going to take the day off. She was relieved and I knew that was it - time for new things. She hasn’t regretted it even for a single day! It took some time and space but she has found so many new activities to explore.
Both our children played sports. Its my pleasure and privilege to “schlep” them anywhere they needed to be. Time
I wouldn’t want to change for anything.
