Add me to the crying in the shower club. But I don’t feel bad about it-crying helps get the bad hormones out and reduces stress, and frankly, with the shower going and something loud and angry on the radio, I can really let it out without worrying anyone will hear me.
I also do volunteer work to help other people and get me out of my own head.
Like @veruca I actively avoid the news and other things that make me sad when I have a lot of stuff stressing me out.
I take the dog for a walk, too. And I don’t wear headphones so I can say hi to people I pass on the way. Sometimes I just need the smile and wave of people I know without a lot of in-depth stuff. I don’t do people as well when I’m stressed/sad, but I do know I need the contact. I am not good at asking for help or a shoulder to cry on in real life so I tend to just tough it out until I make it through.
Take care of yourself. Physical activity such as running/walking/yoga is good for your mind and emotions as well as your body. Try to find time to try something new. It will give you something to focus on.
Treat yourself. Experiences are better than “things”. A mani/pedi or massage is great if you enjoy that kind of thing. Go out and see a movie (something upbeat) or try a new restaurant. Can you take a day and do a day trip.
Keep people you enjoy around you. Try to spend time with those people. Do something social with them, even if it is something very small.
These are all small things, but it can help to have good things in your life when you can’t control the bad stuff.
Helpful responses for the times we all have, but no one wants. I tend to do a combo of decreasing some contacts while I initially sit tight with the feelings or dilemmas, then keeping to helpful routines, seeking out dear friends and engaging in some distraction. As corny as it sounds, I do a lot of appreciating during hard times; the good stuff in life is amplified against painful backdrops. And I remember my often challenged mother saying, “this, too, shall pass”, which seems true for most, but not all circumstances.
Best to everyone navigating the big stuff. CC is a great community.
I felt so bad at one point that I couldn’t even cry. When I was able to cry I actually felt better.
Everyone has things that make them feel better, but may not work for others. Staying home, binge watch TV, eating my favorite food and just basically did what I wanted to do made me feel better. I just tried to take it one day at a time.
A good friend sent me this quote:
“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad bays so for is 100% and that’s pretty good.”
My mother also said this to me:
“You are going to keep on living. You can choose to live a sad life or you can choose to live a happy life.” (Chinese to English translation)
She said that to me after my my father passed away and after other major sad events in my life.
As a lot of you know, I’ve been through hell and back. One child diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), the next diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, and the youngest diagnosed with depression and anxiety (probably triggered by her family’s dealing with her two brothers). Also a 20-year-old nephew who died by suicide. Before late 2010, anyone who knew us would have told you we had the perfect, stable family. Nice house, successful kids, thriving small business, strong faith, etc. So the last 6 years have been like a horrible nightmare. I feel as if we have finally come out of it, so that’s the good news!
Things that have helped:
My faith. I won't go on about that, since I shouldn't as a moderator, but I'm not sure what I would have done without the support of our church family.
Exercise. Running, while I'm really quite horrible at it, has been my constant outlet. I have run two or three times every week with the same friend since 2006. M knows everything about me and is always there for me.
Strong marriage. This nightmare has brought DH and me closer together. We stick to each other like glue. We work in our home office many hours a week, and then enjoy doing things together the rest of the time.
Counseling and meds. My nephew's death was kind of the straw for me. I've always been able to see the positives in any situation, but there were NO positives there. I saw a counselor and she recommended I talk to my PCP about meds. I've been taking a low dose of Lexipro for about a year and a half. My doctor said I can try going off of it in the spring if I'm still feeling as good as I am now.
Helping others. This is probably the biggest part of my recovery. I am determined to help other parents who find themselves thrown into the arena of mental illness. It's a journey nobody wants to go through, and you need guidance from SOMEBODY, or it will be hard to survive. NAMI is the group that helped me, so I have become very involved with them.
Now my oldest is living happily in a supervised apartment. My younger son is going to the American University of Beirut and volunteering in Syrian refugee camps. He has been off bipolar meds for a couple of years. I asked his doctor, and he’s not sure if he misdiagnosed my son or if he just miraculously recovered. His symptoms were severe, to say the least. My youngest is on meds for anxiety and thriving as a college freshman, 500 miles from home. She speaks quite eloquently for NAMI and other groups.
There were definitely days I didn’t know how I would make it through. On those days, I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. And as you can all tell, I process by oversharing, ha, so I did that a lot. My life is pretty much an open book.
For me, it helps to remember I’ve felt very discouraged in the past, but that my feelings did improve.
I find cooking therapeutic, to find a recipe that looks good, prepare it, and enjoy both the meal and others enjoyment of the meal.
As someone mentioned above, I also like to plan something to look forward to, especially if the plans include a break from whatever is getting you down and perhaps provide some appreciation for you and who you are that you do not get every day! (can you tell it is my daily employment that gets me down the most… )
So sorry for your loss. I’ve been there feeling overwhelmed. Great support and suggestions here. You will get through it. In addition, to eating healthy, exercising and spending time with close family (which I find always helps); sometimes to get out of my head, (as @Dustyfeathers mentioned, laughter can help) I’ll watch some comedy - especially before bed.
@morrismm I hope as the week goes on your immediate intense feelings of grief will begin to lift. Honestly, I can say everyday routines keep me from going too far down that dark hole. I am very private so I don’t share too much . . .probably not healthy but what can you do.
I do know that those intense, physically painful feelings of grief do subside with time. I also know they are just under my skin and little things bring them to the surface pretty quickly. So I have to stay away from those triggers when I feel them coming.
Time does help.
The sign on the local church i pass on my way home says very simply " Count your Blessings".
Everyday that sign speaks directly to me and I do count my blessings. It helps keep my woes in perspective. I wonder if those that post this message know how much it really helps me.
I should drop them a note.
Hugs and cyber strength to you morrismm. …and to everyone else that is dealing with a heavy load.
Allow yourself to grieve. Walking is a wonderful activity. Cry when you need to. Don’t feel like you need to put on a happy face all the time. See your physician - medication can help - a lot. So can a therapist. Don’t look too far down the road - think in terms of minutes, hours and days, not weeks, months or years. Minute by minute, you will get through this.
Things do get better. I promise. You are not alone.
All good suggestions. But ease up on yourself if what works for others doesn’t bring quick relief to you. Each of us finds comforts a bit differently.
In general, I try to celebrate the good memories, but each of us comes to this in our own ways, the timing can be different. Some losses are harder. Wishing you all peace.
I had several years of sadness. I isolated myself from friends and family and did pretty much nothing. What helped me was finding a support group. I found people who had been through similar problems and came out on the other side. I was no longer so alone.
Things that helped. Making myself get out of the house for a walk even if I said to myself I’m just walking for 5 minutes. Looking up on those walks and seeing my surroundings versus walking and having my sadness and worries run a replay over and over in my mind. A friend suggested that I do an action when a worrisome thought entered my mind. I would bring my arms to my chest. Acknowledge my fear or sadness and let my arms sweep away from me. The action was to acknowledge my thought and next let it go. I did this walking and I also would do it in the pool or tub. It was very freeing releasing my grief into the universe.
When I woke up in the middle of the night I would say the serenity prayer over and over to clear my mind till I was able to go back to sleep.
Giving myself permission that at times it was okay to be sad or to take a nap. Stuffing feelings is unhealthy as well as dwelling in sadness. For many years I felt to sad to say things out loud or that if I said it out loud it meant it was really happening. I learned that no matter how much I worried or how sad I felt it wasn’t going to prevent bad things from happening. It just made me sick. Also that even if I stuffed the thoughts the sad thing was still happening. Sharing can be freeing.
Another thing I did was say yes to people asking me to do things. Sitting home alone wasn’t helping. Sometimes going out helped sometimes it didn’t but I found it was worth the risk.
Hugs to all of you
EXERCISE. The more vigorous the better, for me. It really calms me down and gives me peace. Outside is best, but anything that helps you evict the anxiety is good.
I also clean my house. Not necessarily heavy cleaning, but picking up and making my environment tidy. Opening shades and letting light in does wonders for me.
Glass of wine by the fire is nice, too.
OP, I hope things turn around for you soon! Hold on to that tried and true saying “This, too, shall pass.” Take care.
Running. When I had a period when I couldn’t run, I swam. I needed to be alone and be in mindless motion, preferably outside. I needed something I could control and I craved simple, repetitive motion. This is my coping with a long lasting problem strategy.
For short lived, poke in the eye type emotional hurts, liquor. I had a scary period waiting to get a diagnosis when husband was out of town and kids were young and at home ( it was benign). I bought a really good bottle of wine and had a few glasses every night before bed. I put the kids to bed, then wanted to be alone to think.
I am also struggling right now. The holiday season is a tough one for me. A lot of sleepless nights, anxiety and depression. It’s a vicious cycle that consumes me. I have learned that I have stay busy. Today I am deep cleaning the bathroom. On my hands and knees deep clean. It helps to turn my mind off. The sleepless nights are the worst. That’s when the anxiety really takes a hold of me. Can’t go for a walk or exercise. Instead I put on Netflix and binge watch. Knowing that I am not alone also helps. I’ve been following this thread from the start.
When things are really, really bad, first I try to do no harm. I try to avoid the temptation to ease my suffering with sugar and/or alcohol, or by lashing out at others.
Crying in the shower is awesome. If you need a good cry, I can’t think of a better place.
During a particularly bad time, we ponied up for a skilled therapist, paying out of network. I wish everyone in the immediate family could go, regularly, and I wish money were no barrier.
My go-to trick is to get outside and walk the dog. For hours. I put on a good Dharma Talk in my playlist (podcast or audiobook) and I find it soothes me, and better allows me to stay with the emotional pain and not fight it, yearn for it to go away, etc. My problems always seem bigger when I’m indoors.
Hey morrismm – so sorry you are going through this. Crying is huge – it’s your way of telling yourself you just can’t anymore. I have had my own severe stresses between DH’s Stage IV cancer, work nightmares, the usual teen stuff then the divorce from h***. Sometimes it feels like someone’s throwing rocks at your head.
There will be a time when the awful-ness lifts, and you might be able to say to yourself: I think the worst is behind me. And somehow it will be.
First of all I’m so sorry to hear the anguish in your post.
First I do cry, the shower is good, the bath tub is good. I pray and pray and pray some more.
When I’m in a full blown tizzy over new devastating news I tend to pace. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who will pace with me or sit and talk to me while I pace. If I’m wrung out and stressed out I do like getting out of the house and I just walk around my backyard.
I happen to do a worse case scenario thing, since I have lived through what I have felt like worse case scenarios and I am still standing.
Something I know for sure, your bad feelings right now will not stay this intense forever.
Not probably polite advice, I’ll have a few drinks or take anxiety meds if I need them as well.
I just want to give everyone struggling a (((hug))). And even though I don’t most of y’all in real life, for some reason I feel compelled to say that I love you.
Wow–so many of us are struggling with various issues, heartaches and pains now and recently. It seems that exercise and living in the moment to get through just one day at a time are common themes, as well as therapy and good friends and pets. Wishing everyone peace and big cyber hugs and know we here love all of you! :x
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