About two months ago, my oldest daughter called me to tell me that she wanted to cancel her wedding. This was 12 days before the wedding was to happen. After the initial shock settled came the sadness …for our entire family. My other two daughters have really had a hard time with it and now that Christmas is approaching, it is hitting us kind of hard. It may seem silly because it isn’t like someone passed away, but we are having some difficulties with it for sure.
I am lucky that I have my husband because he is my rock. I have talked extensively to my mother and one of my three sisters. Other than that, I have really clammed up and avoided discussing it. We really love her ex-fiance and miss him.
I find that doing something creative helps. For me, it’s quilting, embroidery, photography…it gets feel-good hormones going. My counselor is always a good sounding board. I find that now I am far more sad about what happens to others than when bad things happen to me.
Ditto to all the folks mentioning exercise, though it can be darned difficult when the recliner and fleece blanket are close at hand.
What I have to avoid doing is eating. I tend to eat my emotions.
lje, that’s totally understandable! It is a loss … a loss of this soon-to-be SIL you had welcomed into the family and the dreams that go with that.
I hope all of y’all post on the Say It Here thread. Personally, I find it really cathartic to just put my happiness/pain/fear into the world, to give it voice. Just that little thing has helped me at times. And I love that no one is allowed to comment on the posts. They represent what you are feeling right then, and no one gets to pass judgment on whether it’s silly or whatever.
@lje62 it’s still a loss and hurts. My D broke off a 5 year relationship almost a year ago. Even though I had my misgivings it was harder than I thought. And we had to explain things to extended family, like why he wasn’t joining us at Christmas.
D is over it and thriving, it was the right thing for her. Unfortunately for him, he’s really struggling and know that he’s not doing well. It hurts because I hope for the best for him.
When my bil was sick and ultimately passed away I gave myself permission to eat with abandon. Unfortunately I spent the summer trying to take off what I had put on. Exercise helped also.
Not every loss is a physical death - please don’t minimize the pain you feel, @lje62. It can take a long time to work through.
There are a few CC posters who know and understand how incredibly difficult the past (almost) two years have been for me. Having topics to come here to discuss (like the Diet/Exercise thread) really enabled me to maintain a sense of normalcy when my real life was spinning out of control with a new surprise everyday it seemed. There are many deeply caring individuals here who were more supportive than my own mother was.
This is a good community to lean on when you’re hurting.
So much good advice here. I have probably used many of the different suggestions here at times–sometimes movement is needed, and sometimes quiet and withdrawal.(I’m a big fan of solitary dance parties to my favorite CD’s 
). Sometimes a glass of wine,sometimes a bowl of ice cream. If you can talk about it to a thoughtful friend, that’s wonderful.
I think it most comes down to–be kind to yourself. Don’t judge how you’re doing, or what you’re doing to get through, as long as it’s not actively harmful to yourself or others. But just, be kind --often we are so to others, and forget to take care of ourselves.
Hugs to you and all, hoping for healing and sunlight. Our family went through a crushing event earlier this year, but i think we are reaching the other side now.
I have my own medical issues pressing on me, and my son’s torture in graduate school and his g/f’s frustrations with him. I come here to CC and don’t feel as isolated. Back in 2006, I was facing separation and a move, and just being able to come to CC every night was so helpful.
This thread is so amazing to read. I am so thankful for your concern, advise and encouragement. CC is a great place for this. That is why I came here to ask for insight into dealing with this dispair.
To answer some suggestions–I excerise regularly. Had to force myself this last week and may have done a bit less. But I did exercise. I also try to eat healthy always. May have been a bit bad around Thanksgiving ( but who isn’t ), but got back into the usual.
Haha up thread. My mother also always said "this too shall pass. " It’s actually one of my H’s favorite expressions by my mom. Unfortunately, one thing passes and another comes. Like some of you, I have had a string of difficult events for several years. Mine has been eight years now. Deaths, sickness, divorces, breakups, car accidents, arrests, suicide threats, job firings or losses. Since I mentioned nine things, and there are more I am forgetting or purposely not mentioning at the moment, and multiple instances of each of these, you can do the math and figure out how often I’ve been facing some very difficult stuff.
Turns out, most of us are also dealing with many difficult issues. For me, it sometimes makes looking to the future very painful. Just see more of the same. There was a time it wasn’t this way…
Part of my coping is this thread now and some of my past threads. Your insight and advise is helpful and often comforting.
Oddly enough, I realized that each time when I experienced loss or sadness, I started cleaning my house and throwing away tons of stuff. It happened to me twice already, and both times I literally half-emptied all of my closets, shelves, cabinets etc. I’ve thrown away furniture, rugs, clothing, dishes, anything… And both times doing this made me feel better. Perhaps this is my way to push the past behind.
I am also very lucky that my body slows down and goes into hibernation when I cannot cope with stress any longer, so I sleep more than usual. And when I am awake, I spin into action. Even though deep inside I know that this activity is probably useless, knowing that I am trying to improve things gives me comfort and distraction. And I do cry a lot, mostly while driving (a bad combination, I know)
Hugs to everyone going through tough times.
When I went through a really bad time, I sort of gave myself permission to be depressed and down for awhile. And I talked about my issues with people I could trust. I agree with others that getting outside, and moving, especially quickly, tends to be helpful. Sometimes planning something in the future, so I have something to look forward to, helps me too.
I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. And of course, different things work for different people at different times.
There were days when I had so much anguish over one of my children’s mental health issues that I literally curled up on the bathroom floor because it felt like a physical pain down my back. Those were the times when I used the “one day at a time” or “one hour at a time” or “in an hour you can go to bed and sleep for 7 hours” techniques.My mom always used to say “This too shall pass” when my kids were babies and I was complaining about no sleep or teething etc. I didn’t appreciate that saying back then; now it is helpful sometimes, but not others.
There are also times that I go into almost denial - if I have a project to sink my teeth into at work, I can sometimes manage to push the bad stuff out of my mind and pretend it isn’t happening. That is a hit or miss technique.
Sometimes I use the “fake it til you make it” technique. If i have to go out, I will try to give smile and be polite to other shoppers in the store or a sales clerk. Of course some days I deliberately avoid eye contact and use the self-checkout so I don’t have to use any mental energy being nice.
I guess what I am trying to say is, try to find a toolbox of things you can go to, depending on how you feel at any particular time.
I also have found that pulling my dog onto my lap and cuddling with him is a really great thing to do for me
I’m not a religious person but I find myself automatically lapsing into praying when I’m overwhelmed. Let’s face it, praying really means talking oneself through something sometimes. “Help me” whether you are talking to a deity or to yourself or to whatever source you sometimes pull from. Or maybe I’m just talking to myself, coaching, encouraging, boosting, supporting.
I’m so sorry for your awful week.
Yes, it is good to have a toolbox and be able to choose what works and then change it up if that tool isn’t doing the job.
I had a very rough patch when I and both of our kids were newly diagnosed with chronic health conditions and trying to find our way forward. It got a lot tougher when the school started applying increasing pressure on us and the kids.
It’s important to give yourself time and permission to find your own way to get through. No one is exactly feeling what you are and going through EXACTLY the same thing. Support groups – virtual or in person help some but not others, at different points. Counseling MAY help some but not others as well.
Know that you WILL get through this, one day at a time or one hour at a time. We are here for you!
I had knee surgery yesterday and was feeling sorry for myself today because my throat hurts really bad from the airway tube and my knee pain is worse than I expected. Then I got an email from a neighbor who has been dealing with cancer saying the docs have told her it’s not going to work out. She thanked the neighbors for their support and said she was going to hunker down with her family and prepare for the end.
Wow, perspective. Which is NOT to minimize anyone’s trials. But these things show you either that you are not alone or that as bad as things seem, there still are some blessings in your life.
Be careful on the driving when upset. The worst period of my life involved a family crisis that was absolutely the worst thing I ever dreamed I would be dealing with. One day I was driving, and completely absorbed with my misery, I ran a red light and nearly hit someone. It would have been my fault, and if I’d hurt someone, or been hurt myself, it would only have compounded the misery and increased the victims.
Take care, all of you dealing with struggles and pain. If nothing else, you can come here to vent!
Uber and public transit and taxis are good alternatives to driving.
Two and a half years ago I was at a very stressful point in my life and I posted in the Say it here thread. @sax sent me a kind, thoughtful short word of encouragement. It made that day easier and I appreciated it so much. This really is an exceptional community.
That is so nice to hear rom. CC folks have also helped me many times on threads and in private messages. I guess that is why I am still here even though all of my kids have graduated college. I don’t have a lot of posts, but I have been on a long time and have benefited from, and I hope contributed to , many discussions.
I’m learning a lot from this thread.
When I was younger, I thought that the best way to cope was to seek support from other people around you, but I’ve come to realize that (1) some people aren’t supportive and (2) often, the people closest to you are going through the same difficult situation and can’t be a resource for you. So it’s good to hear about other ideas that people have in their toolkits.
Whenever I am feeling terrible I go for a long hike and completely disconnect from the world. Strangely enough, I also look to animals for inspiration… When I get hung up on something bad, I admire the fact that animals go through hard times as well, including losing friends and family members, but are able to seemingly bounce back immediately and go about their lives without thinking much about it. That kind of independent/individualist spirit is uplifting to me.
Anyway, long solitary hikes work every time to help clear my mind!
“When I was younger, I thought that the best way to cope was to seek support from other people around you, but I’ve come to realize that (1) some people aren’t supportive and (2) often, the people closest to you are going through the same difficult situation and can’t be a resource for you. So it’s good to hear about other ideas that people have in their toolkits.”
That resonates with me. I don’t really have a support system as such. I have one family member and one friend I feel comfortable enough having really ‘deep’ conversations with. The family member is not really supportive - tries to be, but we are just very different people with different views and different ways of processing things. The friend is supportive and great to talk to, but she is also hundreds of miles away with her own life and her own issues.
I have been hiking a lot too, and my animals are who are really there for me day in and day out, especially my dog, who is just the most amazing pup in the world :).