<p>I first started posting here when my son was a freshman and now he’ll be starting his senior year. I remember raising this discussion more than once, and I wish it was no longer an issue for me but it’s still there. This is the first summer he stayed on campus in his apartment, so he’s not living here, so perhaps the lack of communication is wearing on me more since he’s been home so little</p>
<p>Here’s the deal—he’s a terrific student—4.0 both semesters this year. He got enough scholarship money that our only contribution consists of buying his books. We do maintain the old van he drives, and pay for his cell phone and of course clothing and health insurance etc. so I wouldn’t call him completely independent, but he’s a lot closer than some. </p>
<p>But—and as Pee Wee Herman said, everybody I know has a big but—I just never hear from him unless he wants or needs something. I’ve tried for four years not to take it personally. I’ve given him his space. Kept visits short and minimal, rarely call unless I have a reason to, and only the occasional e-mail or facebook post. I don’t want to be a pest, and I don’t want a relationship with him based on a sense of guilt and obligation. Truthfully though, I thought he’d come around a little more as he matured. I thought if I gave him lots of space he’d eventually want to see and hear from me. It’s hard not to take it personally and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely devastated. We didn’t have any issues or problems when he was growing up and I think if you asked him he’d say he had a happy childhood. The only thing that might be a cause for complaint was that our house was where all his friends hung out, so he might have felt I was a little too omnipresent in his life. It’s not like I was hanging out in the basement with his friends. My main contribution was to make food and keep the fridge stocked. I was friendly, but I never pretended to be friends with his friends. </p>
<p>But this is an example of how our interactions now go:</p>
<p>I call him because a friend is taking her son to Bloomington for a day on campus and asked me if I’d like to ride along. I let my son know that I’ll be in town, and I’d like to buy him lunch and take him food shopping or whatever he needs. He asks when we’ll be having lunch. I say noon. He says he guesses he could do that, but he’d have to set an alarm. He stays up very late and generally sleeps til three, but I’ve never said anything because again, he does well in school and who am I to complain about him being nocturnal if he doesn’t even live here. He’s very slow to answer texts, so a day passes and it’s getting close to when I’m supposed to be coming, and I’m still not sure if he wants to meet or not. I text him and say they’ve got a 10a.m. appointment, so I could have them drop me at the apartment, and though I know he’ll be sleeping I could get his keys and take his van for an oil change. He said,“Well, I guess you could do that but Chris is visiting and he’s sleeping on the couch so you’ll have to be very quiet.” I make some joke about not wanting to wake Chris and say I’ll text him when we’re headed to lunch and he can meet us if he wants to. I do that, and he doesn’t respond for over an hour and then texts, “are you still eating lunch?” We were just finishing up, so I said yes but I’ll order takeout and you can come pick it up. He seemed genuinely happy to see me, and we spent a couple of hours at his apartment before it was time to meet up with my friend.</p>
<p>So here’s the thing, I think it’s incredibly rude to not be able to get out of bed and meet me, but I’m not saying that because hey, he’s a college kid and blah blah blah. I don’t want to be this dictatorial bore who demands things from him and never treats him like an adult—the way my mother-in-law treats her son. On the other hand, I’m really freaking fed up with this. Later this summer he was passing through town on the way to a concert and first it was—hey, might be coming through with a few friends to stay Friday night. Then it became, not sure if I’m stopping Friday night or maybe stopping by on the way back. Fine. Just let me know. Of course he didn’t let me know until he was actually leaving Chicago and on his way back. I get it. I know these kids don’t plan. They never know what they’re doing. But still. I’m to the point where I don’t even WANT him to come home, because I won’t have a clue when he’s coming, when he’s leaving, and he’ll stay up late and sleep til three so what the hell good is that anyway? </p>
<p>I did take him to task once during the spring semester because I had written an e-mail with several questions and he responded—two days later—“your e-mails are like homework!” And I said yes, they are like homework and that’s because I don’t want to call you because you don’t like to talk on the phone and those e-mails should really be phone conversations. He said he was happy to talk on the phone to me and preferred that over e-mail because he does so much writing for school. He said he gets busy and neglects the people that truly matter. Nice to hear. But it didn’t seem to make him any more considerate. And forgive me, but he’s taking 15 credit hours and he’s a communications major. Really, you’re not that busy dude!</p>
<p>The problem is my strategy of just letting it be is not working for me any more. I can feel this building up of hurt and anger. I feel like a chump. I know right now he’s running low on funds and the financial aid won’t disburse for a few weeks. He posted on Facebook that he cashed in his change jar and doubled his money. I posted that I recently saw a documentary on tunnel dwellers in NYC and that would be cheaper than his rent—and then I said,“or you could just call your mom.” That was three days ago. No response. No phone call. I think he wants me to put money in his account without having to actually ask for it or talk to me about it. When we talked about it through texts last time I suggested maybe he could come home and help me paint the bedrooms and then I could pay him and pay his rent. He said,“I could do that.” But notice that’s not the same as “I will do that.” I understand why that’s not wildly appealing. He thought his savings would last through the summer and they didn’t—see Chicago concert reference above. He waited too long to look for summer jobs and thought applying online would net results without following up too much in person. </p>
<p>So how do you parent a 21 year old? Do I just flat out say I think he’s inconsiderate and rude? It seems unlikely he’d respond well to a lecture. Do I just ignore the fact that he’s out of money until he calls me and asks for help? I could give him the money now and then tell him to pay for his own books. It’s not exactly even because his books are cheaper than his rent, but it’s not too far off. </p>
<p>And really, I can’t force him into anything other than this perfunctory relationship we have now. So do I just let go and expect I’ll get a Christmas card every year if I’m lucky? I know lots of people that demand a weekly phone call from their college kid, but it’s too late for that now. I’m afraid that in trying to let him have his space and freedom, I’ve actually helped create a self-absorbed jerk.</p>