How do you deal with lack of communication?

MomLive · July 29, 2011, 5:58pm

Helenback - I think many of us (especially with boys) can relate. What I have tried to do with my son is reach out to him in a medium he feels totally comfortable with (texting - he hates emails and phone calls) and I try to make it fun. I will send him little tidbits of information I know he is interested in or will make him laugh. We will often banter back and forth via text. Sometimes it’s all business. IRL, he’s not a big communicator. We actually communicate a lot better via text. Sometimes he doesn’t respond to my texts and I let it go. Sometimes I will wait a half-day or so and ask ‘are you still alive?’. Sometimes all I get is a ‘yes’ and I can live with that. I don’t push for details of his life. I just want to keep the connection going at a regular rate.

However, there really isn’t wrong with setting out some clear expectation for him. Most kids want to please their parents and you might be surprised how willingly he compiles when he realizes you are serious.

This is a time in life when many kids are testing their independence. A lot of them will come back into the fold once they assimilate back into regular life with a job, house and marriage. College is so different, sometimes I think they think that parents don’t understand. Of course, we all do, having been there and done that. I often try to convey this to my son.

momoschki · July 29, 2011, 6:04pm

Ditto what MomLive said about the texting. It is strange-- this year, my son has been abroad and we have communicated solely by Skype chat and I have found him to be far more communicative and revealing via this medium than any other. I try not to be pushy and let him be the one to contact me and he very often does. Of course, the frustrating part is that he will often start a conversation with me, only to disappear mysteriously mid-chat. I suspect he is often talking to a dozen people at once and loses track of me. I have learned just to take it all in stride.

icedragon · July 29, 2011, 6:09pm

wow. I normally talk to my mom at least once a day whilst i’m at school. Maybe i’m the oddball one.

Try texting and skyping, or perhaps even a private chat on msn or a chat room even. Can’t hurt to try it.

TaiTai · July 29, 2011, 6:24pm

Things are fine now. Communication was hard though when S was still a freshman. There were two things that I discovered in those early days.

He didn’t want to talk to us on the phone (or via Skype). He simply didn’t want his friends to know that he was talking to his parents. Too embarrassing. (Note: His friends couldn’t understand a word that was being said as we communicate in some ‘obscure’ European language. On the other hand this made it even more obvious who he was talking to.)

He considered writing emails a chore that he could do without. Maybe this has something to do with all the essays that had to be written.

When we started to chat things changed for the better ("talking with the fingers’ we call it at home). It was a matter of finding the right time of the day. The right time for him to be more precise. The discussions were often short, sometimes extremely short, but at least we were getting some information on a regular basis.

Singersmom07 · July 29, 2011, 6:58pm

So if I tell you S1 and S2 were closer to 25 or 26 before they stated communicating better - maybe still hope? S1 started calling when he had a long drive to and from work everyday. Put the phone on hands free and would chat then. He is 30 and still calls several times a week. S2 not quite as good but is much better than the month or more he would let pass when he was younger. S1 and S2 have friended me on Facebook now so I am in touch with what they are thinking/doing.

S3 lives closer and now just drops by a couple of times a week. But he did not communicate when he was in school either. Never had any problems with DD. She always texts and chats at least once a week. With all of them I do Facebook chat and texting.

I think it’s part of leaving the nest. I let them go for a while before I really asked that they call or let me know they were OK. I really didn’t want them to resent and push further away. By letting them go I feel they were free to come back. Stay busy with other things. We travel, too. That helps.

turbo93 · July 29, 2011, 10:06pm

Use text messaging - far more convenient than phone for both parents and children. Also Skype…

oldfort · July 29, 2011, 10:43pm

D1 is a talker. She could chat anyone up, and luckily, I have always been her favorite person to chat with until her current BF came along. D2 is “need to know basis” type of person. I am a believer of relationship is built on quantity, not quality. Ever since my girls were young, when they started to go away from home, I insisted on them calling me when they woke up and before they went to bed. Even if they didn’t have much to say, just “good morning” or “this is what I had for dinner” was some sort of connections for us. But I would also track them down if they didn’t call. D1 actually said at her freshman writing seminar ( the professor asked students how often they called home) that it was easier for her to call me on time than for me to track her down. I am sure sometimes my kids felt it was a bother, but I try not to lecture when they call and I try to talk about stuff they wanted to talk about.

D1 is working and on her own now. I don’t feel the need to have to speak with her every she called(giving her some space). She is the one who is offended about me not being as responsive. She’ll remind me that I am her mom and I need to talk to her.

I don’t think it’s wrong to expect your kid to make some time for you. Kids could be self centered sometimes, they usually short change on people who are closest to them, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but it could be they are just taking you for granted. I always tell my girls to look at how their boyfriends treat their mother. By “teaching” or “insisting” on your son to treat you well, you could be teaching them on how to treat their future spouse well.

archiemom · July 29, 2011, 11:12pm

Happy to see that my parenting method has been validated.

No help here. Carry on with the previous discussion. My oldest moved as far away as possible after college graduation and if I didn’t follow him on Twitter, I’d have no idea how his life is evolving.

Helenback · July 30, 2011, 12:34am

" By “teaching” or “insisting” on your son to treat you well, you could be teaching them on how to treat their future spouse well."

Yes! And ultimately that is where I think my strategy of giving him lots of space has fallen apart. In trying to respect him as an adult, I’ve really taught him nothing about adult relationships. I think because it’s hard to separate the emotions from the true facts. It’s easy for me to get worked up when I don’t hear from him, but it’s hard for me to have a true perspective on what’s a reasonable expectation. After reading everything on here I feel much clearer about it all. I know he won’t respond well to lots of emotion or charged phrases about how hurt or unloved I’ve felt in the last four years. I think it’s better to just calmly address that he’s been inconsiderate this summer, and that while he may be living in a spontaneous, nocturnal world, I am not, and he needs to visit my world on occasion. I’m going to work really hard to not make it a guilt trip—but when you said the phrase “taking you for granted” I think that’s exactly it. I think I’ve been too meek in addressing this and have too often kept silent.

The reality is after the failed attempt at lunch, and the lack of planning when passing through, I find myself not at all interested in visiting him. It’s always been nice when I’m there, but it’s too much hassle and too little return. I think he’d be surprised to know that I don’t find it appealing to visit, and even more surprising that I don’t want him to come home to help paint. My middle son starts double sessions of tennis on Monday. I don’t really need anybody around who likes to get very chatty around midnight. Most of my friends would say that they stay up too late when the college kids are home because that’s what college kids do and it’s a great time to talk to them, but at the tail end of the summer when we’re needing to get back into the school routine that is absolutely the last thing any of us need.

Oddly, this situation reminds me of a friendship of mine with a guy I’ve known since high school. He’s been terrible about keeping in touch—whatever, it was high school and college—but then he’d pop back up and seem just thrilled to see me and say he’d be in town and let’s all get together and then…nothing. He was terrible at following through, making plans, all of it. I rarely initiated contact, but when he popped up on Facebook he kept posting on my wall about being my ‘best friend.’ I finally got so irritated that I e-mailed him and said,“dude, if I’m your best friend, you’re in big trouble, because I don’t even know your younger kids’ names!” He was offended that I wasn’t still completely delighted with him, and I was offended that he had this proprietary, entitled attitude regarding my friendship. I feel like I want to warn my son that you can’t just disregard and neglect people around you and then expect to pick up where you left off. He broke up with his girlfriend of three years—which I found out on Facebook—and I didn’t hassle him or push for answers, but it wasn’t hard to observe that she probably had a lot of the same complaints that I do. It’s fine. He was ready to be done with that relationship and that’s okay. But I do want him to understand that sometimes you have to make an effort. Sometimes you have to return a phone call when you’d really rather not, because if you care about people you need to let them know that.

I know this isn’t atypical behavior, and I know my reaction to it probably signifies that I’ve been over-focused on him. He was my first, so of course I took it too seriously. I suppose in a way he’s done me a huge favor because I really just used to long to have him home, and now, not so much.

ShanesDad · July 30, 2011, 10:56am

My D’s story sounds exactly like the one that started this thread. She just doesn’t reach out unless I get in touch first or if she needs something. Now that she’s graduated and living at home I thought it would improve, but getting her to say more than “fine” “good” and “nothing” in the conversation is like pulling teeth. Meanwhile she texts constantly and plays all kinds of online role-playing games all night. It seems like her best conversations are typed.

Lately I’ve been thinking about having her enroll in toastmasters or some other public speaking training but she’s terrified and thinks that there won’t be any people her age there (I think she’s probably right). I don’t think she’ll ever have to do public speaking but I just need her to talk using more than one word, not to mention improve her eye contact. Sometimes she just looks so unhappy when I know she’s not, she’s just relaxing on the couch.

Does anyone know of any programs out there to help college grads improve communication? Clearly with her living at home this would also be a huge help when she goes into interviews. My wife and I are so discouraged about our daughters behavior. She’s 23 now but it’s like living with a teenager all over again.

dmd77 · July 30, 2011, 12:05pm

I got stuck in the very first sentences of your original posting. You said this: “Kept visits short and minimal, rarely call unless I have a reason to, and only the occasional e-mail or facebook post.”

Okay… maybe at some level, your son thinks that’s all the contact you want, because that’s the example you set?

I’m going to go back to my favorite book on changing behavior: Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog. While vaguely about dog training (but not really), her book is mostly about how to reward the behavior you want and ignore the behavior you don’t want, so that you get more of the behavior you do want.

When I realized that communication with my children (now 24 and 26) had become a chore on both sides (I was nagging; they were being nagged), I set out to change that. I resolved that the first thing I’d say when they called was “Darling, how nice of you to call!” even if they were calling me back after five ignored messages and three emails. It’s made a difference. My son even called last night to ask me to have dinner with him. (It helps that I have a new puppy.)

So here’s my suggestion: figure out what single thing with regard to communication is most important to you, and make sure you reward that. In my case, it was calling, and my reward was to say “how nice of you to call!” instead of "what took you so long? If you want eye contact, make sure you smile every time your child makes eye contact. If you want your child to come visit, make his favorite cookies every single time he comes to visit and give him some to take home with him.

Don’t punish: make sure that, if your daughter does talk to you about something, you don’t then nag about how dirty her room is. Perhaps, instead, you could reward by offering to vacuum her room. “I know you’re busy, thanks for taking the time for such a long conversation, I know you need to rush off, would you like me to vacuum your room for you?”

emeraldkity4 · July 30, 2011, 12:18pm

It helps that I have a new puppy.)
sneaky.

My youngest is attending school less than 2 hrs away. She will call me when she needs to do a grocery/drug store run at times ( she doesn’t have a car), I would say about every, or every other month. ( which I am happy to do) However, she expresses surprise when I try & visit with her past running errands. She points out that when she was in India for 4 months we rarely called.

" no, hon, we couldn’t ** get a hold of you ** at all, since you didn’t have a sim card for the area you were traveling to & your home stay family only spoke Tamil & didn’t understand me. But we sent many emails to the director of your program as well as calling to try and track you down"*
sheesh.

3bm103 · July 30, 2011, 12:23pm

I have sons. Sons communicate much differently than daughters do. My method has been to give them space and let them communicate at their comfort level, but only to a point. When I NEED to hear from them I tell them so. There has to be some degree of respect and consideration. As others have pointed out: you are teaching them how to respond to the women in their lives. If you want to answer in a one word response to: do you want steak for dinner, then fine. But If I send you an email asking what day you’re coming home, I expect an answer with more than “next week.”

I once asked my youngest, who is the worst communicator of them all a question that could be answered yes or no. His response was “whichever answer won’t lead to any more questions.” There were other times, however, that I would be getting ready to go to bed and he would start talking. I would drop whatever other plans I had and listen. Sometimes they are in the mood and sometimes they aren’t, and that has to be respected too. I know how I feel when I’m happily typing away here and my husband walks in to ask where the ketchup is: leave me alone in my thoughts.

In an effort to make you hopeful, I will relate that youngest son is now engaged. To a wonderful, cheerful communicative woman. When I send them both an email he still ignores most of them, but she answers. I will love this girl forever and hope that my son talks to her way more than he talks to me and that she continues to keep me in the loop.

GTalum · July 30, 2011, 12:57pm

What I’ve learned in communicating with my introverted D and S, both in college: They don’t like to answer a lot of questions about them as most things they want to work through internally first. Once they do that, they will share their decisions on conclusions, but they generally don’t want advice or input. So, they don’t call if I’m going to ask them a lot of questions that they aren’t comfortable answering. But, they will call if I talk about myself, H, and extended family and friends and information about them will usually be worked into the conversation. Unfortunately, I need a more interesting life (I think I’d have to work less)! It’s a work in progress but I now hear from them about every 1-2 weeks which is more frequent than when I just asked a bunch of questions about them.

Helenback · July 30, 2011, 1:31pm

Shane’sDad—I feel for you! I think it’s a generational difference that they’ve grown up with electronic communication. Those online games can be very absorbing and a very comfortable way to spend your time if you’re not one that enjoys face to face interaction too much. I wouldn’t sign her up for Toastmasters because it wouldn’t be people her age and she’d probably hate it. It’s a strange feeling for me to be so disappointed in my son when we sailed through all his childhood and teenage years. I just look at him now and think, okay, so you’re just going to watch every episode of South Park on Netflix and stay up all night and get up at three every day and then what? Are you going to be a custodian, because there aren’t a lot of jobs available that start at 5p.m.?! Maybe I need to go back and watch The Graduate and try to remember what Dustin Hoffman was so mopey about in the first place. I don’t really want my son involved with Mrs. Robinson—but hey, at least he’d be getting up off the couch and doing something!

And thanks to whoever said,"His response was “whichever answer won’t lead to any more questions.” Thanks for the LOL moment! My middle son said something similar when he was invited to do something that I had some reservations about, and I was explaining in great detail why I needed to pick him up at this certain time and my reasoning for the decision and he looked at me and said,“You know, you can just say ‘No’. You’re the parent. You can decide.” I realized he’d rather hear a short No than a Yes with a long explanation.

I like the concept of positive reinforcement, but I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing and now it’s making me grumpy. When I invited him to meet me at Trader Joe’s—which is an hour drive for each of us----I didn’t scold him for showing up late—an hour late. I was happy to see him and we laughed and chatted and it was swell. We had dinner, filled a cooler with food for him, and then I gave him gas money and sent him on his way. Basically I spent $300 to spend 3 hours with him. I think I’d rather invest in massages! I think I’ve been too cheerful and accommodating, but the rewards are too weak for me to keep it up much longer—especially since I haven’t seen any indication that this will ever change. I would rather make my peace with that and move on than keep doing back flips to try to accommodate his lack of consideration.

I don’t know if it was Oprah or Ben Franklin or Hitler, but somebody once said,“You teach people how to treat you.” I know I’ve sent him the wrong message.

Honestly, if the rent issue weren’t hanging over my head I’d be perfectly able to stop thinking about this, but I know this must be dealt with, and I’m very tempted to go dump the money in his bank account and not even talk to him at all. But I’m sure that’s the wrong message. I don’t want to lecture him because I know he’s already suffering the consequences of his lack of planning and lack of timely initiative in finding a summer job. But I also think part of the consequence is you have to make that super awkward phone call where you ask your parent for money. He’s never had to do that before, and I would like to think I raised a son with some character, so when I offered the opportunity to paint it was also a face-saving way for him to not just be begging for money. I’m disappointed he didn’t take that opportunity. I know I could have said,“I will pay your rent and you will come home and help with the painting.”

So I want to just put this behind me and stop thinking about it, but rent is due August 1st, and I’m on edge waiting to see if I’m going to hear from him. My husband says I should absolutely not give him the money until he calls and asks for it, but he works out of state and he’s not really here to deal with it. I’m trying to wait it out but I’d rather get it settled.

GTalum · July 30, 2011, 1:59pm

About the rent: Did you sign a lease? It is common place for parents to sign the lease for college age kids. If you signed the lease, I would make sure he had the money to pay the rent as it is on your credit and I would think about turning off the cell, not buying books, and taking the van until he works out some sort of plan with you. If you didn’t sign the lease, let it go until he calls.

mathmom · July 30, 2011, 2:41pm

Your son sounds a lot like ours. He frequently let his phone run out of battery power and never seemed to answer texts and e-mails. He’s the sort that needs very clear orders. I’d never leave a lunch date up in the air. We say things like “We’ll pick you up at 1 o’clock, be ready.” We also try to set things up so the ball is in their court. “We would like to talk to you once a week, what’s the best time for us to reach you?” Now that he’s out of college and working he’s actually been much better about answering the phone. I think he might be a little lonely on weekends.

Like shellfell, we find our younger son is much easier to communicate with. Our arrangement with him is that he calls us. He figures out a pretty regular time that works for him.

dmd77 · July 30, 2011, 4:59pm

Helenback, I suggest you think about logical consequences. A logical consequence of being an hour late, as far as I’m concerned, is that I wouldn’t be there. At ten minutes, I’d have called and said “hey, where are you? Are you okay?” At half an hour, I’d be gone to my next errand. Just because I want to see my son doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat. (If I want him to respect my time, I have to respect my time first.)

(Just as I posted that, I got a text from my son. He’d said he’d be here “around 2”. At 1:59 I got a text: “sorry, just left.” Hmm. I think I can be pleased he’s got that lesson down!)

frazzled1 · July 30, 2011, 5:54pm

Helenback - here’s a belated (hug) for the teacher’s clueless comment during graduation. I’m sure your son wanted the earth to open up and engulf him during the speech, since he surely never meant for the entire audience to hear his off-handed remark. I hope the teacher’s got better sense when he’s imparting knowledge to young minds.

I’ve often thought that it’s more challenging to keep communication going with a grown son than with a daughter, because our culture doesn’t do much to encourage adult son-mother relationships. The mom essentially has to figure it all out herself. You seem to be giving him every opportunity; as he gets older he might well become more sensitive to what you want from the relationship. Wishing you luck! :)

Helenback · July 30, 2011, 6:18pm

Thanks for the hug—and yes, to dmd77, I’ve definitely made myself into a lovely doormat. I think I’ve been reluctant to let those consequences happen because like Sally Field, I really, really want him to like me. When he was growing up, I never worried too much if he liked me because that’s not my job as a parent, but when you’re trying to transition to an adult relationship it’s hard to know when to speak up and when to let it go. The good news in all this is I am back to not caring if he likes me. What is that worth anyway? I wouldn’t hang out with a friend who acted this way, so I’m not going to make myself crazy accommodating him anymore. I think that’s really the crux of it. I’ve tried to0 hard, been too nice, and it of course has not gotten the result I was seeking.

He did text to say that he was running late after I’d been waiting about half an hour and blamed it on construction traffic, so he didn’t just not show up for an hour, but I know there wasn’t an hour’s worth of traffic. He just doesn’t like to get up before three, so it’s really hard for him to meet me somewhere at 2:30 if he doesn’t get up until three.

I think I just need to do what would make me feel better, which is to drive to Bloomington, slit his tires, egg his van, and call it a day. I’m kidding.

And Frassled I think you’re right. Mother/adult son relationship are tricky and kind of strange in our society. I remember my Italian professor telling me it’s common for Italian men to live with their mothers until they’re into their thirties—or whenever they marry. Mama irons shirts and cooks and takes care of her boy. I’m not looking for that!

How do you deal with lack of communication?

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