How do you disown your parents in a nice manner?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have had enough. I can’t take my immature worthless mother. As for my dad, he is literally dead and I could not be happier that my crap father is down the pooper. Seriously, the guy is nothing to talk to anyone about. In fact, I hide him in shame. A drug dealer that had various affairs is hardly my opinion of a father to impress even the bum on the street. He got shot to dead too in late November. This only helped me write an awesome story in the extenuating circumstances pile apart from what I already had, but nothing you want to brag to any friends about. Given that I am also of mixed ethnicity that really impresses few people even less.(I am pretty sure I have written that about myself here before.) As for my mother, I want her to basically know she is dead in my mind even if living. I got my acceptance letter and now my mother can seriously be gone from my life. All she is for me is a big disappointed that should have never even brought me into this world. Nothing in there I really want to keep.</p>

<p>Her being completely dumb does not help me either. It literally feels like I babysit her. I will amass massive debt but I could not care less. I will enjoy every single penny of that debt as long as it is all mine to fix and finally have my life in order. I do not know how much the debt will be as I have not got all my rejection or acceptance letters, but with the one I have I am already happy enough. I got to where I am all by myself and have no one but myself to thank… literally. My mom never even drove me to one thing. I commuted hrs every morning back and forth. Literally wasted my days commuting. Apart from a measly roof and some fast food that I got from my mother, I think I got very little. I put myself through elementary school basically, and the same for high school. My mother did not even care where I decided to go or do in school. Somehow I managed to not mess up my life with no guidance, which I guess I have my ability to thank for.</p>

<p>I was the guy who nobody could figure out where he lived because I literally was that meticulous in hiding my crap parents. Trust me, if people hide where they live and their background, it is for a damn good reason. One that does not bring them any joy to talk about. I want to leave a nice note saying what I put in the post, but perhaps this also requires a conversation with my mother about? It is one thing to break up a relationship with some girl you just met on the street at some skanky place, it is another to break one with your parent/s even if you do not care much for them.</p>

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<p>Dear Nameless,</p>

<p>Congradulations on your success. I am so impressed with how far you come. It is so sad, all the posts on this board of parents doing there best, and you have no one to come home to hug you as you get your acceptances. Please accept an email hug. </p>

<p>You could write a letter to your mother, but it sounds like she wouldnt care. My guess is you go to a school without enough guidance counselors, etc, to really care. </p>

<p>You are right – today is the first day of the rest of your life. It will be difficult in some respects to put the past behind you, but when you start college for the first time, you will be on an even footing with the other kids. I assume you will be living in a dorm, with the rest of the kids. </p>

<p>Please come back to the board as you recieve more offers and compare fin aid.</p>

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<p>I would not write anything that slams a door shut. I understand the need for closure and of saying, HA, in spite of you I will be a success.</p>

<p>If it were me, I would say something like this:</p>

<p>Dear Mom, I am off to college and my new life, I know I will do well, as I have so for despite some pretty long odds.</p>

<p>Take care, </p>

<p>Your Child</p>

<p>There is something very special and maturing by being short and sweet, and not putting anything in writing that you may someday regret. You can be honest with her, but don’t wish her dead. Just take all that anger, frustration, energy and move forward. Think of it this way, you will make it, and holding on to the negative and the past can just be draining.</p>

<p>WHen you go to school, shake off the ick from your past. And don’t feel guilty for saying ta’ta to your mother. I get that. But don’t let the past hold you back by keeping you angry, and leaving with a letter that is like your post here will just be ignored by your mom. She will just see it, as coming from her child who just didn’t see how hard it was etc. You get my drift.</p>

<p>Instead, if you just say," I am moving onward with my life. Hope your life gets better." You will feel much better and better than she or your dad ever were.</p>

<p>You can write a really snarky letter, and then burn it, symbolizing your letting go of your past and the sadness it brought you.</p>

<p>I would instead of a long drawn out letter to your mom, send thank you letters to all those that helped you along the way, the bus driver, a special teacher, a coach, anyone that made even the little bit of difference and made your life a little beter. Amazing how saying thankyou can shake off the hard times!!</p>

<p>Good luck!! and COngrats!!!</p>

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<p>That was sad to read…but I am glad for you that you have overcome the obstacles placed in your way by the people who should be your biggest support.
It sounds like you have done okay for yourself , and have kept a level head in extreme circumstances. You are on your way.</p>

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<p>Can’t give any better advice than tink’s mom already has. Best of luck to you, Nameless. You are breaking the cycle within your family; that takes guts and strength which, from what you’ve said, it sounds like you have in spades. Do reach out to those who have helped you, or build some bridges with counselors at college; a solid support base makes a big difference in these transitional years.</p>

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<p>what geek-mom said is so true. find people, advisors at your college, etc to assist you. You have done so much on your own, its okay to ask for help once in awhile and that is what those people are there for. </p>

<p>You won’t need to prove to anyone at college how independent you are, and you will not lose face or anything by asking for help if you ever need it.</p>

<p>A good rule of thumb, is to touch base with those people before there is any need for assistance. Find your advisorer right away, set up an appointment to just chat. You have no support system at home, so you will need to start creating one as an adult.</p>

<p>Little things can sneak up on you. For instance, my daughter had issues with her dorm room between semesters, long story, anyway, she tried to handle it herself, but I, an adult, had to step in. It didn’t mean she wasn’t capable, it was just I could help her.</p>

<p>So, remember, there are lots of people who will assist you if you have any need and you need to let them!!!</p>

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<p>I agree with all of the other moms…be proud of yourself, thank the other people in your life who helped you succeed and navigate a graceful exit to college.
Geek_mom has a great point that looking ahead, you will benefit from reaching out to the college counseling service.</p>

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<p>I am sorry you have had such a rough childhood and upbringing. I commend you for succeeding and getting into college despite adversity. </p>

<p>That said, I am saddened to read what you wrote about your mom who is living (wishing her dead) or even your anger toward your father who is deceased. I don’t see any need to “disown” your parents (your mom in any case). You are about to leave home and be independent. You are bitter and have just cause I’m sure about many things. But your mom is still your mom. I don’t see any benefit from attempts to “disown” her or anything of that sort. I’d lay low as you finish out high school and look ahead to your own goals and dreams and being on your own. Your mom will always be your mom even if she is not there for you in the way you need her. Please do not disenfranchise yourself from her. I suggest you talk to a counselor. You could share your feelings with your mom and not burn bridges. She isn’t there for you, I understand, but don’t cut her out of your life. Move on with yours despite the obstacles you have endured.</p>

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<p>We come back to this site to help others after our own kids are through the college application process and their early college years just for kids like you.</p>

<p>I’ve always said just trying puts you ahead of the game. That you’re already happy with your choices so far says a lot about you. All good.</p>

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<p>When you do get to college, pleas consider checking in with the faith based group of your choice. Dont worry if you havent been observant, dont worry, most wont try to proseltize you. But they can be a tremendous recourse for someone like you without others to be there for you.</p>

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<p>Post #3 (tbmom) is some of the best advice I have ever seen on this board.</p>

<p>Move forward with positivity and build further on the foundation you have already laid down for yourself.</p>

<p>Good fortunes young man.</p>

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<p>It’s fine to leave your family behind, but do look for new sources of support and mentoring - we all need someone sometimes.</p>

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<p>Please keep us posted on how you are doing.</p>

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<p>kayf, I already tried something religious. It just does not work with what I believe. I had upperclassmen that were Asian who were of the Christian faith(currently freshman at universities). It was a bit difficult for them too since the Asian culture does not tend to be too big on Christianity and their parents weren’t. I tried attending their groups and whatnot but at the end of the day it felt really weird. They were nice and friendly companions in high school but I just could not get into the faith part when I tried attending with them. I was slightly of Christian faith till I was about ten. After that it has been agnostic/atheist and something that will not change any time soon. I tried it and it was nice since they were great people but it feels like I am using them for merely support since I don’t believe with them. That is why I said it makes it feel weird and unnatural.</p>

<p>She was not involved with the drugs like my father was. It is not like she is high on the couch all day. If it was then perhaps I would have not even have the shelter from her. She is just a person who you can see really did not even intend to have a kid. One who did not really care for the kid. I do not get along with her because I simply cannot get along with a person who works, eats fast food all day, and has no aspiration for anything in life. It drives me nuts. Every conversation I have with her ends in me or her yelling.We just are not people who can get along. I have moved in with my grandmother various times and my happiness just goes through the roof. I can’t tolerate the disorganized home, fast food, low aspiration, and nothing to converse with her about. She is uninterested in what I do and I do not think she has anything interesting to share with me apart that she works and sleeps. It is like those loveless and empty relationships portrayed in the movies except with your parent.</p>

<p>Most of my friends parents are not this boring and uninterested in their kids. At least I never got the idea that my relationship here was a functional and a normal one from seeing theirs. </p>

<p>She acknowledges I am alive and there, I don’t think the relationship is any more bonding than that.I do not see why making sure I leave something open is good. </p>

<p>Perhaps I should elaborate on what immature meant from my earlier post: mother pays bills whenever, house is disorganized, cares little about what I do or don’t do, and just seems to ignore her responsibilities other than eating and being under a roof. This does not sound like the mature responsible parent most people have in mind. I did not mean immature as throws a fit over not getting a yellow or purple crayon in a box.</p>

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<p>"She is uninterested in what I do and I do not think she has anything interesting to share with me apart that she works and sleeps…: mother pays bills whenever, house is disorganized, cares little about what I do or don’t do, and just seems to ignore her responsibilities other than eating and being under a roof. "</p>

<p>There’s a chance – probably a large chance – that your mother is displaying signs of a severe clinical depression. If so, it would be far better if you pitied her instead of trying to disown her. While you’ve had a miserable childhood, it’s impressive that you’ve done well academically and will be moving away soon to go to college. There is no need for you to figuratively kick your mom in the teeth as you walk away. </p>

<p>Take care of yourself, get mentors, do well in school, and also get some support from the counseling center. The kind of anger and bitterness you’re feeling toward your parents will only wear you down and make life less enjoyable for you. I hope you’ll find a way of letting go of those poisonous feelings and moving on with joy in your life.</p>

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<p>Why not ask your grandmother for advice, since you say you’ve been happier with her?</p>

<p>If you must close the door on your mom, close it gently. From what you say, despite your unrest, she’s done you no real harm – which sadly is more than some kids can say of their parents. Moving out, growing up, having kids, all often change one’s perspective and relationships with one’s parents. You may be surprised to find a friend in her someday.</p>

<p>And please don’t fall into the typical young atheist’s trap of believing that you can and must go it alone and be absolutely everything unto yourself. Mutually supportive relationships are so important to human development and joy.</p>

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<p>Sounds like it to me. </p>

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<p>What? “Typical young atheist’s trap”? That’s a pretty strange thing to say. I know a fair number of atheists, and none of them of any age think that not believing in a deity means that human relationships are unimportant. (If anything, quite the reverse.)</p>

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<p>As an atheist/humanist myself, it is the relationships with the people around us that are really important. What an interesting comment.</p>

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<p>Think about what you are trying to accomplish. If you want to hurt her back, then you can write her a hurtful letter.</p>

<p>If you are trying to let go and not let her actions affect you as much, leave home, be polite and endeavor to let go of her and not allow her to have power over your thoughts and feelings.</p>

<p>Is there any purpose to a letter other than to hurt her? If not, then perhaps you should wait until you have graduated and have that four more years of maturity before saying something that is ‘forever’</p>

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<p>@Consolation and tink’s mom: Perhaps it’s just the ones I’ve been around, then. No offense intended to you folks, but that’s been my observation and the attitude certainly seems reflected in the OP’s narrative.</p>