How do you disown your parents in a nice manner?

Parent Cafe
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<p>So you think the OP doesn’t believe in a higher being? And that is why they are so hurt and angry? </p>

<p>And by saying that Atheist don’t help others or accept help, or have good relationships with people, etc is pretty offensive. . So to make assumptions like that is harsh.</p>

<p>And I agree that the OP shouldn’t write a mean hateful letter, save that energy for positive notes to those that have been kind, but the OP shouldn’t hold their breath hoping that suddenly mom will turn into a decent human being. The OP seems to have had a very toxic environment and needs to take care of themselves. And sometimes hoping for a relationship to happen that probably won’t is really hard. Some parents are just bad people and haven’t earned the right for forgiveness down the road.</p>

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<p>IMO parents can only “parent” with the skills they have or do not have goes both ways. No offense but you are nor will you be the last kid who thought their parent was horrendous without realizing parents are just “plain” old run of the mill people with issues problems of their own. Problems that a child may never understand till they are a parent themselves. A lot of people live crappy existences and pick themselves up and do the right thing without causing alot of hurt that may one day be looked upon with regret.
look upon your experience with an attitude that “my glass is half full” rather than half empty. That half empty glass will follow you for a lifetime.</p>

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<p>I am not say cause hurt, I am saying dont hold on to hope that one day a bad parent will suddenly be a good parent. Seldom happens.</p>

<p>It is better to move on and find good relationships, create new families, and not live with the expectation that someday a healthy relatonship will emerge.</p>

<p>THere are some parents who are not just run of the mill people with everyday issues, there are parents that are evil, lazy, cruel, toxic. And if a child can rise above all that and get on with their lives yeah.</p>

<p>But they do need to let go of the anger and the hurt, so they can find joy and trust with other people. That can take time.</p>

<p>i wish the Op all the best and so long as you move forward with purpose, pride joy and trust that others want the best for you, life can be very good.</p>

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<p>It’s highly complicated when one grows up with bad parents. They are not likely to change, but I still think it is better to try and tolerate them and maintain a civil relationship. The worst thing this kid can do is write a hateful letter full of anger and spite just so he can feel right, or better than, his mom. That will simply verify that he is turning out just like them… uncaring, unforgiving, and perhaps clueless. The Op should stop fighting with his mother and show he is the better person by maintaining a civil relationship with her until he leaves for college. Then he should have as nice a goodbye as possible and go off and enjoy his life without her. On birthdays and holidays, he should call or visit to say Happy holidays and then spend the day with people he loves. One thing the poster doesn’t realize is that he is a bit short on the life experience needed to determine whether this relationship with his mom is hopeless. That takes a few more years. I am not a Pollyanna. I know some parents are truly bad and that some relationships are toxic and should be avoided. I am merely suggesting that the OP wait a bit before burning any bridges. What’s the big hurry anyways?</p>

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<p>"Her being completely dumb does not help me either. It literally feels like I babysit her… She was not involved with the drugs like my father was. It is not like she is high on the couch all day. … I do not get along with her because I simply cannot get along with a person who works, eats fast food all day, and has no aspiration for anything in life. … I can’t tolerate the disorganized home, fast food, low aspiration, and nothing to converse with her about. She is uninterested in what I do and I do not think she has anything interesting to share with me apart that she works and sleeps. </p>

<p>What stands out in the above is the poster’s arrogance. He believes his mother is too dumb for him to converse with. He says that she does nothing but work and eat fast food, and she doesn’t drive him any place.</p>

<p>Maybe she’s tired. Maybe having had a lover (husband?) who was a drug dealer who had affairs and then got murdered is something that is depressing her.</p>

<p>Presumably whatever job she is working isn’t an easy one. Perhaps having a son who clearly thinks she’s a nitwit is also adding to her depression.</p>

<p>Apparently, his mother did keep a roof over his head, didn’t abandon him, and kept some food on the table. If she really is of limited intelligence, maybe she’s depressed that it’s unlikely she’ll rise from her impoverished circumstances.</p>

<p>Regardless of the level of her intelligence, I bet it is very hard for her to have a son who so clearly feels she’s worthless.</p>

<p>Nothing in what the OP has written indicates to me that he should be disowning his mother. He hasn’t provided evidence that she has been cruel or neglectful. He seems like a very angry, arrogant young man who now that he’s off to college would like to move on and forget the humble mother who gave birth to him. It seems he wants to cut ties with her because he finds her lifestyle (a simple lifestyle that many ordinary people have) to be an embarrassment particularly as he prepares to move on to a more sophisticated life.</p>

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<p>I did not have the greatest childhood either being raised by a mother with mental illness. I didn’t know at the time that’s what her problem was. I thought bad things about her like the OP and when I was 18 I left home and went to college and started my life. I chose to make something of myself despite my upbringing and not go through life blaming anyone. My sister on the other hand stayed resentful and to this day is an unhappy adult with a lousy life that she blames my mother for. I visited occasionally but didn’t want my kids exposed to her growing up. Fast forward 20 years…I’m a happy successful adult. I’m also a nurse who now recognizes what my mom suffers from and got her help for her mental illness when she hit rock bottom. She nows lives here with me and is actually a very nice person on medication. I went through a lot to get to this point but it was my choice. Just as my sister continues to hate her and that is her choice. I’d recommend counseling to get over the fact you didn’t get the parents you would have chosen in life. Write a letter with all these horrible feelings and memories then flush it down the toilet. You can be successful and happy despite how you were raised, it just takes some work. You have a choice! Good luck to you!!!</p>

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<p>Sad story but great to hear you survived. Maybe your mother has had much worse treatment from your terrible dad than you know of? Give her some slack and get on with making your own future. Maybe later you will understand mom better? Maybe not?</p>

<p>Whatever. Your end result today is good - congrats! And Today is the first day of the rest of your life, right! Keep on truckin’ as ‘we’ used to say. No need to burn any bridges young fella. Show everyone you are a much better person than that. You are, aren’t you? Well you DID say in message header you wanted to disown in ‘a nice manner’. That’s the real you, right?</p>

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<p>This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read at CC. I do commend the OP for his success in school, despite a dreary homelife. I think Northstarmom hit it right on the head. Mom sounds severely clinically depressed to me. I think for children to witness a parents depression is extremely painful. My father has been depressed for pretty much my whole life. I could tell you stories, you wouldn’t beleive. It has been painful for my whole family to watch how he lives. There was a time, when I was a teenager, that I swore that the second I got away from home, I would never speak to him again. I may even had said that, or written a nasty painful letter…it was a long time ago, so I don’t remember. I did try to sever my ties…but I never really could. As I became successful and happier in my life, I began to see the pain he lives in (mentally/emotionally) daily as such a tragic way of life. I began to feel pity and sympathy for him, and wanted to at least try to keep the lines open. I said to a counselor once, “Oh he’ll never change, he’s crazy”…She told me not to ever close a door on someone, because you’re only helping to keep them locked in that way of life". She advised me to try to be a bigger person and open my heart, and hope for change. I did that. Over the years there has always been chaos related to my father. When he has moments of clarity, he will tell me how grateful he is to me, for understanding that he doesn’t mean to say or do the things he does. I beleive that, actually. He’s gotten better with age, because eventually he did find a good doctor to help him…but, he’s not “normal”. </p>

<p>Its so much to take on as a young man…but, you won’t be seeing much of your mom from now on. I don’t really understand what you will gain from writing a letter disowning her at this point. You can simply go off to school and just contact her for the main holidays. I think if you are anything like me, it will feel better inside, then doing something so drastic. If for no other reason, then because she probably did her best, in her own way. There are millions of bad good parents with flaws out there too. Just because it seemed to you like your friends all had perfect families…no one knows what is going on behind closed doors. To this day, I can still be shocked by finding out a family who everyone thought of as being “perfect”, has drug/alcohol abuse, affairs, violence…you name it going on, but they try to hide it. The older we get the more we realize that no on has a perfect life. It took me a long time to understand that. </p>

<p>I wish you all the best in life. I hope you fulfill whatever dreams you have for yourself…And do, what all the parents I know do. When you become a parent, do better then your parents did. Be the person you had wished they were for you. There is alot of joy in that. Feeding your anger will get you nothing in the end, but more anger.</p>

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<p>Some of my college friends and college educated friends and acquaintances had parents like yours. I came from a well educated family with parents who on paper at least seemed impressive, so I may be the type of person whom you’d think might look down on your famly.</p>

<p>The friends from first generation, dysfunctional families whom I respected the most were the ones who spoke of their parents with empathy, and didn’t seem ashamed of them. </p>

<p>An example of someone whom I lost respect for was a a Harvard alum who told me that his father was “just” a cab driver, who ended up being shot to death, and his mother was illiterate. The alum said he didn’t even bother to tell his mother when he graduated because “she didn’t know the difference between Harvard and the local community college.”</p>

<p>Having worked professionally with lots of parents – including those in treatment for mental illness and things like addictions, I told him that I had very seldom met any parent who wasn’t proud that their kid was graduating from college, and I thought that he was wrong not to have shared that info with his mom.</p>

<p>Secretly, I thought that he didn’t let his mom know because he would have been embarrassed to have had an illiterate mom who worked as a maid come to his graduation. And I lost respect for him.</p>

<p>While you’ve had a difficult life, I would bet money that if you looked at your parents’ lives, they had difficult lives, too. They may not have had the good fortune to have had some of the opportunities that you had. That may even have been being blessed with a high level of intelligence. </p>

<p>Although you seem to view yourself as having accomplished everything on your own, it’s hard for me to imagine that your mother didn’t do something toward your success. For one, she didn’t abort you. She also apparently chose to live with you and to supply you with food and shelter. Apparently, she also didn’t sabotage your attempts to better yourself. She could have done things like tell you that you were nothing, prevent you from going to school, refuse to provide tax info for your financial aid forms. She also could have been an alcoholic or drug addict.</p>

<p>From how you describe your mother, she does seem seriously depressed. She may have done the best that she could – mustered all of the strength she had – in raising you and working a job. I hope you can find a way to feel compassion for her.</p>

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<p>Just for the record, there are even religions where belief in God is not a requirement. If you are ever interested look up Ethical Culture.</p>

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<p>Thank you Northstarmom for expressing everything I have been thinking since I read the first post. For a while on this thread, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. </p>

<p>Again, while I admire that the OP has risen up without a lot of support and has had a less than satisfying relationship with his parents and a difficult background, I feel he is very bitter toward his mom (and his deceased dad) and I see his desire to sever ties as a poor choice. While his mom wasn’t the kind of parent he wished for, I haven’t read anything that indicates that she mistreated him. Perhaps she did the best she could. She may have been neglectful due to her own needs, but she still raised him and he has been successful. Like NSM, I think that the OP looks down on his mom as if he is better than her. His condemnation of her intelligence bothers me. Same with wishing she was dead. She may not have been a mom who guided the son and he had to fend for himself when it came to college admissions and so on. He rose up despite that and did OK. I feel there is a lack of respect for his mom. He may not get along with his mom but many teens do not. I understand the disappointment that the mom wasn’t the kind of parent he needed. She also likely is troubled in many ways due to depression or her circumstances in life and has had all she could do to raise the boy. He should ride the year out and stay tied to his mom when he leaves home, while at the same time looking forward to a fresh start and independence. His mother will always be his mom. And he may be all she’s got. I also suggest some counseling due to his bitterness and anger.</p>

<p>The way the OP wants to sever ties comes across as wanting to get back at his mom for whatever she did not provide for him. The way to “get back” would be to go on in his life in college and beyond and succeed despite the circumstances of his upbringing. His ties to his mom should not be severed. He will regret that if he chooses that path.</p>

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<p>nam3less,</p>

<p>I think the person you should turn to in order to sort out your feelings regarding your mom is your grandmother. I am assuming here that she is your maternal grandmother, but even if it is your paterneral grandmother there is something to be gained here. </p>

<p>Let’s face it, your grandmother has a relationship of some sorts with this flawed daughter (or son if this is a paternal grandmother). Grandma obviously loves you and despite her flaws, loves your mother. She has come to an understanding that while your mom is not what she hoped she would be (I don’t think anyone would be satisfied with what you described), she still is a person who, like it or not, is a relative and deserving of something. </p>

<p>I would bet that Grandma’s relationship with your mom has had plenty of problems, but she has found a way to make the most of it (getting to have you, for example). And when you are down (as it sounds like you are) about your mother, instead of running away from what you dislike (your mother), try running to something you love and trust (like your grandmother). It is far more settling, as you will find that the further you run away from your mother, the further you will want to be. This can never be satisfied and you will always have that pain and no end in sight for it. OTOH, if you run to your grandmother, she can help you deal with the pain and put it behind you when you are down and focus on the good things in life.</p>

<p>Take care.</p>

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<p>OP, take care of yourself but don’t do anything dramatic with your mom. You can go away to school and drift away from her. Soon, other things will be more important in your life. </p>

<p>Later in adult, you may or may not have a different perspective on her. I used to think my paternal grandmother was a real witch and my grandfather a saint. As an adult, I realized that Grandpa was only a saint later in his life; ealier - when Grandma was raising 6 kids in dire poverty - Grandpa was an alcoholic who had made her life hell. </p>

<p>Here is one bit of advice to tuck away for your future: Surround yourself with fine human beings. If you have your choice of working at a highly paid position among a bunch of ruthless cut throats, or a lower paid position among people of the highest integrity, choose the latter. Volunteer for a non-profit where committed people really work hard for a good cause. You need good role models. They will be out there for you. </p>

<p>Don’t assume that everyone around you had it better. Lots of people don’t share their stories, but are living quiet lives having overcome a lot. My husband sings at lots of funerals. It’s amazing the stories he comes home with, especially of the really old folks. One very successful businessman was put in an orphanage by his father after his mother died. Can you imagine being a little boy whose mommy has just died and your daddy drives you to a strange building and leaves you there? People live fantastic lives in spite of having dealt with a lot of bad things in their youth.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom has eloquently expressed what I’ve been thinking. OP, if you want to leave your mother, go ahead and leave - you’re going off to college anyway. But skip the “disowning;” there’s really little to accomplish by doing that. Plus you might need her to fill out a FAFSA in the future.</p>

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<p>Actually, if you want to become a man who is the opposite of your father, discarding your mother may not be the right step. While from your perspective she has not assisted in your development and successes (which appear to be nothing short of amazing, all things considered), apparently she hasn’t held you back.</p>

<p>Perhaps a little distance when you move away to go to college will assist you in deciding what your relationship with you mother can be as an adult. What is the rush to dump her?</p>

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<p>Nameless, I’ve been where you are. It’s okay to feel like you do right now. You have a lot to work through and now is not the time to be judged for having the feelings you do. It’s completely and absolutely understandable at this stage of your life. In fact, those feelings may be vital to your survival. </p>

<p>I do implore you that once you get settled at school, you also seek out the great and free counselling resources that will be available to you. You’ve are in part a huge success not just in spite of your family but in part because of it (believe it or not-- I know you won’t believe me yet). You learned resilience, and hard work, and self-responsibility and initiative (firsthand, you learned that if you didn’t do something, it woudl never happen). Not that your parents get credit for that, but sipmly that there was a silver lining in it all. </p>

<p>You are really equipped for college. And with time, you will gain a new perspective on your family and the anger will subside. And it will subside (and not just be buried) for YOUR benefit, not theirs. </p>

<p>Also keep in mind that likely, someone such as yourself, who has had to literally raise yourself, is not someone who is accustomed to being looked after by others, to lean on others, to make yourself vulnerable, to realize that you can depend on other people besides yourself, and the world won’t fall apart if you aren’t in control of your whole environment. It might turn out that that is true for you, and if so, it will be important to learn those things too (it took me oh, 30 years to even realize this point myself but I sure wish someone had told me to consider this back when I was 18). </p>

<p>I wish you the best. You sound like such an interesting and amazing person. I completely anticipate you have a very wonderful and exciting life ahead of yourself. Congratulations!</p>

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<p>And I meant to mention that if you want a supportive spiritual community that does not require any creedal statement but instead encourages you to explore your own beliefs and come to your own conclusions, check out a Unitarian Universalist congregation or fellowship.</p>

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<p>Buddhism is another spiritual path in which the belief in God is optional. The most important aspect of Buddhism is, as the Dalai Lama has said, “My religion is kindness.” That kindness starts with opening one’s heart to oneself and then to all other beings.</p>

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<p>OP I admire what you have made of yourself so far despite all the hardships you lived through. Those who grew up nurtured and wanted cannot understand the sadness felt by a child who didn’t. Your anger towards your parents is understandable; a child should be cherished and nurtured but unfortunately many times they are not. You are too young to even want to comprehend what made your parents the kind of parents they were/are so don’t go there now. As you grow older you may understand why they did what they did but even if you don’t, focus on making your life, your family and your children’s lives the best that it can be. In college, counseling is free and I would strongly recommend you seek help because it may help heal some of your wounds.</p>

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<p>I think many of us understand that this young man is wounded and hurt by his upbringing. His anger is understandable. It is just that the action to cut off from his mother is not advisable and doesn’t achieve a good end. Maintaining ties would be better. Getting counseling for the pain and bitterness is helpful. Going out in the world independently and being all he can be will be the best reward despite the odds.</p>