<p>Op, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t want to disown your mother “in a nice manner”. Please don’t do this to your mother - you will break her heart. Sounds like she has had a very hard life, just like you. My own mother had a 3rd grade education, never drove me anywhere (since she didnt’ have a license), and told me not to go to college because it was a waste of time and money (she didn’t know any better & I didn’t listen). I was the first in my family to get a college degree and an advanced degree. Needless to say she was so proud when I got my degrees. Now that I am a parent, I understand how hard her life was and that she did the best she could. I am a firm believer that time heals all. Go off to college and enjoy your life, but please be a good son to your mother. She has had enough pain in her life.</p>
<p>The reason why I want to leave or end it is exactly because I feel I must distant myself to relieve the sadness and frustration and move on like many suggest. Many here are saying I should move on with life and just kind of ignore her. Yes, that is easy to say, but can you really move on from a relationship if you keep going back to it or never end it? If I leave it open, what exactly can I expect? Am I guaranteed that in a year or so she will magically say she loves me and she is proud of me? What exactly do I hope to obtain from leaving it open?</p>
<p>Leaving it open could also only lead to more disappointment and sadness and even anger down the road. Then I will be back to the beginning. I obviously am no expert in all kinds of relationships at my age, but from what I do know and understand, leaving a relationship open does not help with moving on.</p>
<p>As to those who think I am filled with anger, I am sure there is some, but I think my main emotions are sadness along with frustration. It can be painful to not feel any caring emotion from your parents besides feeling some anger. I am sure even studies say that chimps who are nurtured grow up healthier and happier. I have not read every single reply yet but I must leave for school now. Thanks for the advice and comments.</p>
<p>Your mom may never say the right things…who knows if she feels them and just doesn’t express them, or if she’s just a very bad mom. My sister was a terrible mother (clinical depression and a large dose of selfishness) but even though her kids are in their 20s and doing fairly well in spite of her, I don’t think she realizes what a terrible mother she was. She may never. </p>
<p>Later in life, you may come to understand your mother and your esteem for her may grow…or not. Some people do the best they can under difficult circumstances; others crater under difficult circumstances. It’s a lot easier on you if you just keep in touch rarely than if you are officially estranged.</p>
<p>This sounds really corny, but it may help for you to read some biographies of historical figures. Benjamin Franklin was the 15th of 17 children; his dad only had enough money to send him to school for 2 years. When he was 12, he was apprenticed to his brother, who treated him terribly. He finally ran away (which was illegal) and went to Philadelphia alone, with little money and, as they say, the rest is history. </p>
<p>Winston Churchill was from a very wealthy family, but was sent away to school as soon as his parents could. He would write letters begging his mother to come visit him, but she never did. His father hardly spoke a word to him and when he did, the words were critical. Winston stuttered. He did poorly in school, for which he was subject to severe corporal punishment. Horrible childhood, terrible parents, yet he did okay for himself. (Find the movie *Young Winston *if you don’t have time to read a biography.)</p>
<p>Nam3less, you may never get from your mom what you are hoping for and so can’t come to expect anything. But as your mom, I bet she loves you in her own way. Cutting off and being estranged will be something I feel you will later regret and I also think it will hurt your mom. It is kinda like getting back at her and punishing her. I think the best way to get back at your mom is to go on and make something of yourself despite your disappointing childhood. Be a success. Maintain ties because your mom is your mom. Don’t rely on her for much but keep in touch. You also could tell her that you are hurt that she doesn’t show pride in you. You could express those thoughts in a calm way or a letter. Not an angry letter but a heartfelt letter that as you are leaving for college, you hope she is proud of you but you have felt hurt that she has not expressed anything of the sort. I can’t guarantee that she’ll “get it” but it is worth letting her know how you feel or how you have been hurt. But it is not worth cutting off. It is not like having a GF who you break up with. She is your mom and will forever be your mom. Don’t cut off that tie. Things will be better as you go out in the world on your own and don’t rely on your mom as much. But stay in touch with her.</p>
<p>Don’t burn any bridges you may find yourself needing in the future. Going away to college is a very natural time to let those bonds fade on their own. You’ll find this is true of family and friends both. You’re moving into a bigger world; try not to do anything to cut yourself off from the full exploration of it and bitterness will not be helpful out there. People can feel when someone is angry/bitter and will not want to be with you so definitely go for counseling. If you’re not ready for that, read some books on how to relate to other people. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is an oldie but a goodie. </p>
<p>I do suggest that you read some books or take some classes on parenting and relationships before becoming involved romantically with anyone. Lacking emotional support in your childhood can lead you into creating some dangerous patterns in adult relationships. You don’t want to echo the relationship your parents had and you certainly don’t want to repeat the mistakes they made as parents. It is very difficult not to imitate the only relationships you have seen but you can be a better spouse/
parent than they were if you make a definite commitment to do so. If you can recognize these patterns in yourself, it is easier to cope and to work around your imprinting. </p>
<p>And above all…stay away from any kind of drugs or alcohol. If your father was a drug addict, you may have inherited addictive personality traits. If you never start, you never have to stop. Drugs become more important to an addictive personality than any one or any thing else. Keep your body healthy and use your mind – which sounds like a very good one – to work through your issues. </p>
<p>Best wishes for your future!</p>
<p>“The reason why I want to leave or end it is exactly because I feel I must distant myself to relieve the sadness and frustration and move on like many suggest. Many here are saying I should move on with life and just kind of ignore her. Yes, that is easy to say, but can you really move on from a relationship if you keep going back to it or never end it? If I leave it open, what exactly can I expect? Am I guaranteed that in a year or so she will magically say she loves me and she is proud of me? What exactly do I hope to obtain from leaving it open?”</p>
<p>When you go to college, you’ll be able to get free or very low cost counseling on campus. Please take advantage of it. That would be your best way of determining how to handle your relationships with your parents (including how you think of your deceased dad), and it also will help you be a happier person and – if you choose to eventually have kids – provide your kids with a happier childhood than you experienced.</p>
<p>Not sure how often you checks these forums, as it’s been a couple years since you posted your message about your mother.</p>
<p>Wow – if I could go back in time, to the age you are now, I would have done things so differently than I did. I had an emotionally abusive mother, and a very passive father who didn’t protect me from my mother – my father also abused me sexually when I was a minor, probably because he felt emasculated by my mother, and thus, wanted to boost his own ego by fondling me, a defenseless little girl.</p>
<p>Very long story short, but I felt the same way you felt about your mother at your age. But unfortunately now, I’m not your age – I’m 52 years old. Many many times there were people during my adult life who basically said to me, GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS as they will continue to injure you. You cannot change them, and their incessant criticism of you, and their unnecessary scolding. You will never be enough for your parents’ standards. If only I had listened to their advice, instead of spending the past 35 years still trying to meet their standards and please them – what a waste of time, and literal torture of my soul.</p>
<p>If your mother has injured you to the degree that you want a separation at your age, my advice would be – run, don’t walk, away from the relationship. Now. Don’t do what I did and try to be the good child, then the good adult child, people-pleasing, etc. It will not work. You will be setting yourself up for agony over your adult life.</p>
<p>Best thing is to make a clean break, and never look back. I wish I had. Instead, I locked myself into a virtual hell of trying to make my parents proud of me, and seeking their approval over so many decades. It just never worked.</p>
<p>I should have, and could have, divorced myself from them so many years ago, and had some peace.</p>
<p>Distance speaks much much louder than words Nam3less. Put distance between yourself and any abusive parent. Or any abusive relationship, period.</p>
<p>Peace out. And take care of yourself.</p>
<p>There is no nice way to disown parents. When a child walks out and never returns that is the greatest pain a parent could ever know.</p>
<p>The thread is old but I would love to know what the OP decided to do.</p>
<p>We probably won’t be hearing from OP again since his last activity on CC was on 2/20/2009.</p>