As I mentioned in my post above, there is lots of good stuff and some bad stuff about being old. I’m 70. I didn’t really comment on appearance.
I have become noticeably shorter as I’ve aged. As a male, I think one may become more invisible but it hasn’t happened yet. In fact, during the Pandemic, ShawWife’s hairdresser moved from Boston to Martha’s Vineyard but one Sunday a month, he would cut hair (and color etc.) in Bourne (the closest part of Cape Cod). So, ShawWife decided to drive to Bourne every couple of months. And, of course, she wanted me to drive with her. And, of course, I ended up doing it (though I was completely content with the haircuts she or the local guy were giving me). So, her hairdresser decides that I should grow my hair longer and grow my bear longer and trim it in a very different way. One day, I realize that it looks like “The Most Interesting Man in the World” from the brilliant Dos Equis commercials. (the second one is pretty hilarious).
Perhaps because of the new haircut, at least a couple of ShawWife’s friends have commented to her that I’m looking sexier (surprise to me). And, somebody came up to me at a party this fall and said, “You remind me of the most interesting man in the world.” That was funny but also I guess that older can be distinguished (or at least interesting).
Overall getting older sucks but since I can’t do anything about it, I try to focus on the bright side:
– Financially secure
– Way less stress than peak career
– (Mostly) launched 3 kids (one still in college)
– None of my health issues are lifestyle altering yet, so I consider myself lucky
– If I want something enough I can buy it, if I want to go somewhere enough, I can go there. That’s a freedom I certainly didn’t have in my 20’s
– Some of the things I helped accomplish professionally or philanthropically will outlive me
Would I rather by in my 20’s, sure, but there’s definite upsides to this phase of life. And even if there was some genie that would let me go back and do it again, even potentially not making the same mistakes, I would decline because I wouldn’t risk the butterfly effect of all the wonderful moments with (and existence of) my family and friends.
I’ll add a comment to yours about financial security/being able to buy what you want- I’ve found it very liberating to be at the age where I am not interested in “upgrades”. Don’t want to trade up to a more expensive house, nicer neighborhood, better car, more luxurious vacations, etc. That- plus having more disposable income than earlier in life- is really sweet.
I have friends who have recently sold the houses they raised kids in-- and “kinda sorta” downsized. Less square footage, but more expensive and a “fancier” lifestyle. I am happy for them-- one couple in particular, who seem to be scratching an itch that none of their close friends were even aware of. But I have zero interest. And when I hear about a remodeling that does not involve grab bars, or replacing a rec room with an accessible bed/bathroom on the main floor, I smile inside and wonder “Why bother?” My house could absolutely use some redecorating/rejuvenating/upgrading just from a cosmetic perspective- and I have no interest. The young family that ends up buying the house will rip everything out anyway, that seems to be the pattern.
So the combo of “fewer wants” and more cash flow seems to mean lower anxiety- at least until I retire and start worrying about outliving my money!!!
@blossom, when we were looking at houses, we saw houses that were being sold by fairly old folks moving in with their kids or to senior living that not only needed refreshing but in many cases had a lot of deferred maintenance. We are among the folks who not only didn’t downsize but accidentally upsized substantially and then did a real renovation. But we did so in a location that makes me happy every day. I’ve mentally noted the deferred mainenance and need for refreshing and want to make sure we do neither as we age.
We did note something interesting when we sold our prior home. ShawWife is very creative about everything in addition to being a successful painter as well as a wonderful people person. So, at some point when we were repainting some rooms in our prior house, she persuaded the plasterers to work with her to fresco the walls – she put orange pigment into the plaster of the dining room walls (it started out bright orange like Chuck E. Cheese when it initially fills in but lightens as it dries). The rooms she did with them were so beautiful that the plasterer asked if she would go into business with him. (No to that, but she was flattered).
Anyway, when we were selling our house, the very good real estate agents said we were going to need to pain those rooms white or grey. We said, that would be crazy. But, we realized that the buying generation for that house (in walking distance of a great elementary school) wanted everything to look like a Pottery Barn store or catalog. We painted everything a gray-white and we got several offers immediately.
After having cancer 5 yr ago and getting a double mastectomy, every year I have a birthday, it feels like I’ve leveled up in a video game and I’m thrilled.
Takes me more time now to get up from sitting on the floor? AWESOME.
My knees now sound like “Rice Krispie knees” (as my daughter puts it)? GREAT!
More gray hairs? BRING IT!
I forget sometimes why I walked into a room? YES!
Death will come to us all. You never know when your last day will be. An awesome guy at work dropped dead a couple of weeks ago for no reason at all. He was one of our team’s favorite people at work. And now, gone, dead, all of a sudden.
I fully expect at some point to need to go into a nursing home. That’s fine. I’m already planning on having scooter races down the hall with the other residents.
MATLOCK! If you have not watched the first episodes of Matlock with Kathy Bates, you must give it a try - she is WONDERFUL! This is so much about the “old lady” getting ignored.
I laughed out loud about your walls. A close college friend just sold a gorgeous house in an upscale area (the neighborhood got fancier as they got older) and remarked by the time she was done, the house looked like a Restoration Hardware catalog. Her own stuff went into storage of course… young people don’t like seeing china cabinets, bookcases, or anything that brews coffee that is NOT an espresso machine designed to make espresso (as if millions of Italians can’t possibly make espresso in a tin pot on the stove!) And every wall a muted shade of… oyster? taupe? pearl? platinum? What’s that color that’s not a color that affluent young people like???
A Realtor I know uses the phrase “There are colors to dwell, and there are colors to sell.” In other words, like like you want, but when you sell go Agreeable Gray. @blossom is that the color you are thinking about?
We did the same. We put lots of really nice stuff in storage (the place also needs to be really empty). We do have a very fancy looking espresso machine so that stayed out (plus I can’t live without it).
The other interesting thing was that this generation of buyers did not appear to want anything that looked like it needed work.
I am 53, and my husband is 56, and we have been neither lucky nor particularly unlucky in terms of age-associated changes. Our health is similar to people in their 50s from the 1980s–we aren’t super-people like some of our current peers. He had colon cancer in his late 40s (luckily only stage 1), so that made him less strong and able. His main exercise is walking and (supposedly) swimming, although I probably need to nag him more about it. I have trouble with arthritis and loose ligaments–so, no high-impact activities. I mostly walk and use the recumbent bike. I just signed up for a martial arts class. I know I twisted my knee wrong the first time, but it is okay. I plan to modify the moves when necessary, and I hope I can keep doing it, because it’s fun! As for house renovations and changes, we really need to re-front the cabinets, since they were poorly done (even in the paint) by the guy who flipped the house 9 years ago. We’ve repainted the worst ones several times already. My husband would also like some new countertops. However, we’re planning to live very modestly for the rest of our days. We’d rather be able to retire earlier and have more time for creativity and fun.
I had my first sort of mid-life crisis about 6 months ago… lasted about 2 months. I’m 48, and have an objectively good life… but I can feel myself slowing down. It takes me far longer to learn new things (I can still do it, but it takes more effort and I have less energy). I’m dealing with nagging tendinitis everywhere, which means I can’t really run anymore and I used to run 30-40 miles a week (which might be correlated with my now nagging injuries). And I was just kind of thinking “is this it?”
It’s weird to still sort of have ambition, but also kind of not. I technically have like 15-20 years of good working years left. Enough time to go through a whole new career if I wanted. And being risk averse, I never took a big swing b/c I know the probabilities and I went the route of near guaranteed prosperity with minimum stress, but now my kids are almost grown, and I’ve saved for their college. Don’t have a mortgage… so not as much risk involved… but also, I’m just kind of tired. Not really burned out… just tired.
As I said, it’s a bit weird. I don’t feel bad or anything, but I also an feel myself winding down a bit. It’s a very first world, middle age kind of problem. I still have a lot of time to do things, just less energy to do it. And oddly enough, less certainty. I know too much to just charge ahead on something.
It’s Wednesday and I am still thinking about a 2 segment story on 60 Minutes from Sunday night. Here is a written summary with some embedded clips, but for those with on demand access to 60 Minutes, I would encourage you to set aside 30 minutes to watch this uplifting story on how Jason Kander (veteran and former Secretary of State for MO) helped rescue almost 400 refugees from Afghanistan in a story similar to the movie Argo. It’s a cold day, but this story will warm your heart.
I wish I had acted on the opportunity to “do something different” workwise somewhere around the 50-55 age. To try a new employer or something a good bit different than what I was doing (and still am!) But my job worked out family wise so I stuck with it. The last few years (getting to 65 for health insurance) have been a bit of a struggle getting to that finish line. Now I am lucky in that I’m going to have a new opportunity to do something somewhat familiar but also different on a part time basis.
But I wish I had invigorated that zest for work and learning and something new 10+ years ago.
@DadBodThor, this seems like an opportune moment to recalibrate and modify your plan in a way that invigorates you intellectually and emotionally. A couple of thoughts:
If you are 48, you think you have at most 20 good working years left. So, you are thinking your capabilities will decline at 68. One data point. I’m 70 and still going strong. I have a small consulting firm, do pro bono work, and pursue new ideas when they arise. I co-founded a tech company with a Stanford engineering/MBA in five years ago and we sold it two years ago. As of last year, I have a small stake in a small VC fund that focuses on a particular consumer products area. So, I try to do interesting stuff. It keeps me challenged and excited about working.
If you can afford it, you might think about bigger swings if that would be exciting. I have reoriented my consulting firm to take smaller retainers and bigger success fees in the last few years. I have even taken on a couple of smaller firms as clients with no retainer – just contingent fees/stock.
OP here. I absolutely love your response. I’m not even sure why. At 48, you are so much younger than a lot of us in the cafe. I think maybe it’s because 48 feels so young and yet you are having “winding down” thoughts and questions whereas I definitely was posing this question to those of use in our 60s and 70s. Thanks for responding.
Maybe because I look at your response and think how at 48 I wish I had been thinking more about my next chapter. I became a SAHM the week before I turned 40 and haven’t worked full-time since. I had no idea the way my life would unfold (mostly great), but at 62 as of Monday I wish I had jumped back in to full-time work in my 40s and done more professionally. Now it feels too late. I don’t want it to feel too late for you. You have so many more good years ahead. and, hey, maybe I do, too. Maybe someone who is 77 will come on her and tell me I have 15 more years to do something!
I managed a recruiting project two years ago replacing an 87 year old. (no mandatory retirement, obviously). When he told the Board of Directors that he was retiring, a few of them looked confused and asked “Why now?” It was hilarious. He was at the top of his game-- greatly beloved as a human being, and highly valued as a professional. So people kind of forgot how old he is. I think he had someone on the HR tech team disable the little flag that popped up to tell his co-workers “John is celebrating his 50th anniversary with the organization today!” and so eventually people forgot. I won’t say that he could pass for 40, but he did not look or act his age.
Responding to earlier comments about Afghan refugees–and tying it in to this thread. I found that one good thing about getting older is that I have more time to do volunteer work. A group of people in my small NE town have worked to bring and support a group of Afghan refugee families here. A good friend of mine spearheaded the effort and got me to volunteer. We take folks shopping, to the nearest mosque (about 30 miles away), doctors, etc. Another friend, helps tutor the kids.
Thanks. I’m generally in a good spot mentally, just something I’m more aware of now. Someone earlier referenced the 2 stages of aging hypothesis that came out recently (that you age rapidly at 2 points 44 and 60). I think at 48 I might be hitting that first rapid aging standpoint… at least it feels that way. But I got out of my initial funk by simply practicing gratitude. Most of my angst/agita could be traced to focusing on things that I don’t have instead of all the great things I do have.
Now, the big challenge is trying to figure out what it is that I want. I’m in a position to try to go the Senior VP route, or other senior executive route – but it doesn’t seem all that interesting to me. I probably either need to switch careers completely, start a business, or go with a “save the world” type trajectory.
Anyway, it’s just kind of interesting to observe this happening within myself. It’s great thread to read especially from the perspective of others who have gone through this.
I try to combine the own business with a bit of save the world pro bono work. As an advisor to senior executives of big companies, those jobs often look less interesting up close – often lots of politics and stress. My CEO clients tend to be scheduled from 7 AM to 8 PM in 15 minute blocks with a helpful EA wedging in other folks who need an immediate decision or guidance into an otherwise fully packed day. In one case, I have an hour call Sunday AM with a CEO, in part because he does not have time to think during the week. But, he has to leave promptly because his next call is with the Board Chair. I personally like having the time to think.
But, one can make things happen on a massive scale as a senior executive. Good ones make a big difference.
Part of the issue with climbing the ladder is having to care about things that I don’t naturally care about. I don’t particularly care if I can get another 2% of EBIT from a particular contract. Or having to make certain numbers in a particular quarter. And new business is a big part of that role in my company… but they are also super risk averse, so the way I’d like to expand clashes with the already in place sr. management. Which I get… it’s not my money I’m risking, and they have a successful strategy. It just doesn’t mesh well with the way I’d prefer to expand (ie, build interesting solutions on overhead and then market to customers I believe will want, vs… find a customer first to pay for the development)
A lot of it is b/c I’m in government contracting… so the interesting work for me is on the line doing the actual engineering, and helping my team figure out the problems. Mission oriented work.
I could switch to private sector, but this is where the mind slowing down thing gets in my head. I’m very good at what I’m doing now, but I’ve been doing it for a very long time so I’ve gotten quite efficient, and new stuff I need to learn is adjacent to what I already know. Any time I need to learn something completely new it takes me much longer than it used to… I can still get it done, but I have to be super into it to get the motivation to grind through some tough problems now.
