Yes, about friendships. I felt like I had a healthy social life when the kids were small and I worked. Although I never loved my job, I loved being around people, chatting at breaks, making friends. Kids were so busy with school and sports, meeting up casually with parents at events and parties. Talking to neighbor moms and parents at our neighborhood pool. I always felt I was around people.
Being retired, now I’m not. All the casual friendship/acquaintances from the kids school are no more. Neighbors outside with the kids has been over for 15 years, no water cooler talk anymore.
I’m actually alone most of the time, although I don’t feel lonely. That took awhile. One of my best friends just moved away. Another one is talking about moving closer to their kids in the next few years. Another casual friend is moving.
It just seems my social life has decreased dramatically. It’s better in the summer at the lake. We have all our neighbors to hang with and people for the weekend.
Anyway, just letting you know you are definitely not alone.
I am not a pickleball player, but I like the idea of meeting people this way. Learn something new, show up regularly to work on it, slowly, organically over time meet people. I am an introvert and this method is best for me.
When we moved here many years ago this worked. I knew no one and was alone (but not yet lonely) and said yes and joined lots of groups. Most of them were meh and I had nothing in common with the members, but a swim group yielded some good friends.
I agree that you have to put yourself out there if you want to meet people/make friends. I am neither an extrovert nor an introvert (kinda both) and it isn’t easy for me but I make an effort because it’s important to me.
We moved to our current location about 2 1/2 years ago. The joke where we live is that the way to make friends is to go to kindergarten here. But…that said there are a lot of newcomers who want to meet people. Also, a lot of groups fell apart during Covid and a lot of people are looking to reconnect.
Last spring, a woman took the initiative and started a social/activity group on FB and advertised it on a few of the neighborhood pages. A lot of people “joined” but maybe only about 15-20 of us have become really active. It’s a great way to meet people but you need to show up and participate. There are already a few “spin off” groups which are open to everyone and they have been a hit. I participate in them and that’s how I am meeting and connecting with people.
Interesting comment about the YMCA. Here there is lots of indoor play there, but I’ve not heard of classes. The outdoor class I attended was part of a city rec center program (Wed nights x4 weeks… emails exchanged at end). They have indoor play at the rec center, but so far we’ve all been too shy to drop in. We have a fabulous local PB organization ($25/year) that runs all sorts of drill classes and ladders. Free if outdoors, $3 if indoors at local church gym. I’ve also attended group classes at the local pickleball club (membership not required, just pay $18/session instead of $12 for members). Often text numbers are exchanged at the end with new faces. I’ve noticed this is particularly helpful to folks new in town.
While working, people had semi regular get togethers, and when invited, I attended. fast forward to now, and I run into work people I thought of as friends , exchanged numbers and a nice chat and plans…and ghosted. Three times now.
Our Y is expensive and exclusive. Many stories of “we already have a group”, etc. We knew better than to try that.
Tried starting a parents group at my church. Nobody wanted to. Tried a women’s group, one meeting, then everyone "just couldn’t " make it and it ceased. My mom is 91 with our roles swapped now. My siblings are not interested in being friends with us.
Invited people to dinner or dessert. Nobody ever reciprocated. Many have moved away.
Have lived in current neighborhood 20 years or so. Neighbors built a big fence. Other neighbor died. Third neighbor is a MAGA enthusiast.
I know this seems so whiny! Is the ghosting real or imagined? Can’t tell. Is the lack of reciprocation on purpose? Can’t tell. But every time my pcp has me fill out a form that includes questions about my social support, I feel like I am not meeting expectations. I do volunteer two different places, so I am not a hermit.
I admit that I am the worst at reciprocating that kind of thing. I don’t enjoy cooking and would be so nervous entertaining. If you enjoyed their company, invite them over again but without the expectation of it being reciprocal. I do hope that they bring a wine or a hostess gift, but even if they don’t I’d write it off as not their thing. Unless that is something you just can’t look past and is a deal-breaker. But if you enjoyed their company why deprive yourself of a pleasant evening?
I do think things have changed since Covid. I don’t need nearly the level of socialization I once did.
And that’s fine advice except that we had these people over maybe twice, across several months because I didn’t want to be a pain…and after that, ball’s in their court, I thought. There’s just no way to know if they are sending a “go away” message or not, except to put myself out there again and again and again and I guess I am just not made of the stuff meant to do that. Occasionally lonely is one thing, but confirming I am not included is quite another. (And yes, a very very first world problem)
Or my friend that will come walk with me, but only if I ask. She never texts and suggests it.
If people don’t reciprocate in any way, how can you build a friendship?
I think things have changed since Covid. Part of it is the habits of isolation. Sadly I think there is also a political divide that makes people more cautious about socializing. I used to enjoy talking with people of varying viewpoints, learn where they are coming from. Not as easy anymore.
In pickleball, some of the players I’ve gotten to know more closely do turn out to align with my own views (phew). But usually out on the court you are mostly playing and laughing… no risk of folks with contrary views falling into comments that might irk me.
I agree that Covid has had an impact on social isolation being more common.
For me, I mostly welcome the distance from others.
We isolated so much during Covid years that distancing became our much preferred default mode.
It takes a lot for me to accept a social invitation. I also have less tolerance (energy? patience) for people’s quirkiness (defined as talking at me versus with me, or being judgmental, bragging, or ignoring feelings of others, etc.)
I decided that if I’m going to use energy to interact it will only be with those people I thoroughly enjoy. I used to give of my time more freely to those who “needed me” as an audience of some sort; now, I choose to save that energy for my dogs, hubby (okay not in that order, lol) and my sons, and mother.
I also lost my dad during Covid years. I am not the same person. I am full of grief, and I continue to struggle with depression. I find little pleasure in activities that I used to engage with others socially (breakfast or lunch out, parties, celebrations, etc.).
The reciprocation is an issue for me too. We definitely tend to be the ones who initiate a lot. There are some who aren’t comfortable hosting but will do other things to show their “investment” in the relationship. I’m Ok/resigned with that. The folks that never do anything, I’ve let go of.
I will say that I find a lot of connection with my old friends and online friends thanks to modern technology ; )
I sometimes wonder if I spend far too much time on Parent Cafe, but I’ve learned a lot here over the years.
Recently, I spent some time on Facebook looking up old friends and it was pretty depressing. Several have died; some were under 65 and none were over 70. A former high school boyfriend and his son face felony charges that appear to be drug related. Another former boyfriend was recently divorced from his second wife. At least he can’t blame me for that marriage as he did the first; the first was a rebound relationship after I turned him down. I saw extremist views expressed and wondered what happened in their lives that led to them. Afterwards, I didn’t feel a desire to contact any of these folks and was sorry I’d read some of the posts as it’s hard to maintain the old warm fuzzy memories after reading how people had changed.
I should have learned my lesson several years ago when I looked up my best friend from childhood only to read about multiple arrests for drug dealing and theft, and then her death at an early age. It’s hard now to see old photos of that sweet, happy little girl and not think of how things turned out for her.
Long ago, I googled an old college boyfriend. I knew that he had gone to medical school in Bruges (in fact I visited him there circa 1975). We started emailing shortly after I adopted my daughter. He didn’t seem to understand my urgent desire to be a parent.
We were facebook friends and I saw that he married a nurse at the hospital in FL where he was a radiologist (I think) when he was in his 50s. When I tried to invite him to a virtual reunion for former editors of the Binghamton newspaper (I was editor-in-chief and he was sports editor), he seems to have disappeared from Facebook; perhaps he passed away.
I remember, after my brother died in 2015, the former bf posted to Facebook that my brother had given him a record album one year for Chanukah! We shared many family events together back in the day, and I’m sure his memory is a blessing to those who loved him later in life.
I admit that sometimes when I lose track of people and can’t reach them via phone or email, I look in the obits or just the area/state where they last lived and find them. If you enter their name and the last place you knew they lived (at least the state), it’s surprising that you can often find something about them.
Among the many things I miss about my Mom-- before Alzheimer’s-- was her encyclopedic knowledge of “where are they now”. Even rando classmates. She’d often call to say that she’d run into so and so while waiting for a prescription at CVS and not only would she get the entire dossier on what that person had been doing- she’d ask “Who are you still in touch with” and get the entire download.
Who needed Facebook when my Mom went to CVS? And on the rare occasions when someone was missing in action- she had the phone, her handwritten phone book, and could usually find out “He is a personal injury lawyer in Minneapolis and his wife is an interior decorator”.
I just realized that the only dinner invitation we’ve had in the last few months was from our friend whose wife is in the advanced stages of (early) Alzheimer’s. He was the typical Type A executive who never did anything around the house, and now he does literally everything. He made us a nice dinner.
And yes, we’ve had several people over to our house. I guess I’m used to people not reciprocating. Honestly, it’s been that way the 38 years we’ve lived in New England. Maybe the rest of the country is going the same direction now?
