My SIL went on a trip with the family about a year after the wedding. We liked him before that, but most of their relationship had developed away at university so we were still feeling our way that first year. On the trip, several things happened such that he came home a full-fledged family member, beloved by all 
We are blessed they live nearby.
Another DD got married not too long ago and he seems nice, but they are an overnight drive away and we have not yet had the opportunity to get to know him to that degree, though we did do a family trip at a VRBO rental house & that was super, enough privacy for all, yet also shared time. But there were no big crazy things that happened like the trip with SIL#1 
My in laws were overbearing, intrusive, manipulative, and critical; we endeavor to be the opposite and not interfere, but offer support & encouragement.
@somemom Okay, now you have to spill about that trip with SIL #1!
My MIL sent me letters not too long after we were married saying she hoped that DH would beat me until we couldn’t have children. Gave me lots of insight into what DH’s life was like growing up and ended any attempt of me trying to have any sort of relationship. We had no contact with his parents for a couple of years. Later, because of other events, we tried to get custody of DH’s younger brother (12 years younger), but the social worker in CPS told us that since his brother was in an intact nuclear family, we had no chance.
Our kids were never alone with his parents. Ever.
I loved my DIL and was really sad when she and S1 split. I still miss her, but am glad they are still friendly. I still really miss S2’s GF who he had dated for four years. I’m sadder but wiser about opening my heart to a new GF one of them may bring home.
I know this thread is more about the evolved nuclear family (MIL, FIL, DIL, SIL.) But I have to say I’m honored how DH’s extended family accepted me, the aunts and uncles, cousins and their spouses. It’s not me, I’m not so special, (though I did my best.) It’s the people they are and a lesson DH and I tried to give our girls.
Some situations are tough. But where there’s a glimpse of “workable,” try.
I have only one child, a D that may settle down in a few years. (she is not dating anyone at the moment)
It has been my D and I only for too long. I hope that when she marries that her husband will be a like a son for me. I won’t put any demands on them but would love it if they remember me once in awhile. I don’t want any drama just an informal easy going relationship with the two of them where they don’t feel like I am a burden to them.
As long as he is respectful of her and a compassionate person that is all that matters to me.
“My MIL sent me letters not too long after we were married saying she hoped that DH would beat me until we couldn’t have children.”
Wow. And I thought complaining about clothes was bad.
Maybe my MIL isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe.
@romanigypsyeyes Does your MIL have daughters? Or just sons?
" I’m sadder but wiser about opening my heart to a new GF one of them may bring home."
I’ve learned this the hard way with my kids’ significant others. It’s easy to become attached to someone you’re welcoming into your family.
@doschicos 3 boys, no girls.
Ditto for mine. I’ve always thought that was part of the issue.
She never wanted daughters and is happy to have none. Mr R was born because Mr R’s dad wanted one last try for a girl.
Wow, sounds like there are/were a lot of mean, angry in-laws out there. I am sorry for the pain they caused and am glad you were able to have good relationships with your partners in spite of the obstacles their cruelty created.
It is heartwarming that do many who have had less than ideal relationships with ILD have worked to have better relationships when they are the ILs. Kudos to you and thanks for creating more love in our world. We sure need it!
I feel very simple for saying this–for your new DIL’s and SIL’s–
well, just think back to when you were under 40!
I was thrilled to get a $50 gift for the Holidays that I used for my dental bill.
We have super duper privileged kids.
Newly married that are just as worried or at least not having that extra fun that they want.
So–yes, as silly as it sounds and it is–we treat them to things–dinners, clothes,
Taking my DIL to a pedicure. Paying always for them to get their hair cut when visiting (by all
of our favorite gal) doing thing like ordering this crazy counter top dishwasher that they love from
Amazon…
We gasp and go to the restaurant that they love–it is all to just built a bond with them.
I am trying and as long as it is affordable to us it is all good.
And so far they feel loved and we feel loving.
H is finally with me–he sees how much they like spending time with us and how
delightful it is for us.
First time without our D for this Christmas in 33 years.She cannot get away and will spend
her first holiday with her own new in laws. This is a serious heartbreak but life needs to move one.
We decided to ask DIL and S and G’son to take a trip with us to San Diego.
When deciding when to leave–she said the 23rd and I had the security to tell her
we need them to leave on the 24th as our D will not be with us for the first time in
33 yrs and we will be sad and I need her to leave on the 24th…
This is the first time I have asked them for anything.
DIL said.“you’ve got it! we will leave on the 24th!”
That is love!!!
To even things out–my own MIL is super in love with her own middle son.'Not H.
H is kinda a doorstop for her.
She is currently furious with me and saying so (at 96 yrs old) as she believes that H has made
a decision to change a family travel plan (that I encourage but am not going on)
and is furious with me! Me! who had nothing to do with it because God forbid one of her precious sons
disturbed her plans that she is making from her nursing home. Also, I have done nothing but help have a
relationship with his family–$$, trips and all --mostly I stayed home.
Glad I am 67 and really just over her! Also, really happy that H is hearing her nasty tone
and understands that I do not deserve her opinion. Really for the first time.
I have tried and feel so far good at not repeating history.
Trying to do things in a loving and understanding way with S and DIL.
So far so Good!!
I have liked all 3 of S’s official GFs to whom he has introduced me. As he pointed out to me when he broke up with his last GF, and I was sad about it. He had met the GF with whom he now lives. She and I are very sympatico: the first time we met her, she told me her cat’s name was “Juna,” and I said, you mean like Djuna Barnes? I wrote a paper about Nightwood in grad school! And we were off to the races.
This Thanksgiving we and her parents are spending it in NH with them, because she has to work on Friday. All of us “in-laws”–keeping my fingers crossed–are staying in a B&B just a short walk away.
OMG. Is she mentally ill?
You’re a more forgiving person than I am. If I’d ever received a letter like you described, my kids would never have been exposed to her, period.
I appreciate this thread. My own MIL was a major PITA, so bad I finally just stopped trying to get along with her. My mom had a good relationship with her MIL so I never imagined people couldn’t just get along. At least she wasn’t as psycho as CD’s MIL!
No DILs yet. I try to be respectful of the GFs and find some common ground just in case one of them is The One.
This is possibly the sickest thing I have ever heard.
She put this in WRITING?? My god…
While this may not be an option or choice for everyone, I have to second the notion mentioned above that taking a trip with your S or D and their spouse can be a great way to really get to know them and find that groove where they fit into a family. Whether it’s a lake trip where you all stay at a cottage and wake up and spend time in your jammies with coffee and muffins or a hotel trip where you have separate rooms but spend a few days relaxing and exploring an area the extra time can help to blend the family members - hopefully in a good way!
I have no real relationship with my MIL other than as my H’s mother. She has never liked me, though she is more than willing to take advantage of my inability to ignore her when she needs me/us. She resents anyone who is educated or who has an adult relationship with their own parents. She was only interested in our kids when they were babies, and visibly favors her Ds children over ours, to this day. The result is that our children have no relationship other than the blood connection with her whereas they are very close to my mother.
As my kids grew and became involved in serious relationships I vowed that I would be accepting of whomever they brought home, regardless. It was tough to do that with one of S1’s GFs, in particular, because she had no positive family relationships, to speak of, and tried to separate my S from ours. I kept quiet though and eventually they broke up. Next GF is now his wife and we have a wonderful relationship (or I think we do!). S2 and D are involved with people from local, close families and we like them both very much. Will they become official members of the family so we will have to navigate the traditions and requests of 3 other families, who knows, but for now all is good.
From my personal experience, it doesn’t take a lot to be welcoming but the payoffs can be huge.
We have somehow convinced the next generation that anyone they are serious about needs to be vetted by being included in the annual Thanksgiving gathering - people show up Wednesday night and stay until Sunday. This is my mom and siblings and our SOs and kids (and now their SOs). We don’t all cram into the same house, that would be the stuff of horror movies. But we gather in the same city and spend a lot of time together over that period. The newest nephew-in-law made friends with all generations and has been a great addition to the family. The next prospect is, well, less beloved but will be making a repeat appearance this year. Others have shown up for a year or 2 and disappeared, including my kids’ then-current SOs. It’s a challenging trial, but seems to be working so far.
H and I had more distant but good relationships with our parents/in-laws, and that is what we expect with our adult kids and their spouses. Oldest S just got married this summer. I only met DIL twice before the wedding–they live thousands of miles away. She seems to fit in comfortably with our family, and I am so glad S found someone who can put up with him! Honestly, I don’t think he could’ve done better. Also, I really like her parents–we got along well while planning the wedding. Now just waiting for grandchildren- -but keeping my mouth shut on that topic. No pressure. We will never be the intrusive or over-involved types. (We have 6 younger kids, so spread kind of thin.)
Kid #2 and BF are talking about getting engaged–maybe during the holidays? We met D’s BF this summer (they live in Europe), and he is a nice guy, seemed to get along well with our family. He doesn’t share our/D’s faith, so that is one thing I’m not crazy about. And they are both artists, so I’m not sure how they will support themselves/family in the long run. But they are intelligent and hard-working, so I guess they will figure it out. At this point I’m not 100% convinced that he is the best man for her, but he is a good man, and if she chooses him, we will welcome him.
All will be visiting during the holidays and I’m anxious about that. We’ll be sharing our family traditions with “strangers” (someone other than our immediate family of 9) for the first time. Instead of being our relaxed/normal/cranky/bickering selves in our messy house, we have to be concerned about what kind of impression we’re making. I want to be a good hostess, but I find this very stressful.