How do you get a parent to ease off your back?

Parent Cafe
1

So I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’m going off to college in August. My mother is basically fine with anything I do as long as I do good in school (B is slightly unsatisfactory, A’s would be nice, but as long as I try my hardest) and I don’t kill myself while doing drugs or drinking or whatever. My father, on the other hand, is a completely different story. He was a drill sergeant/second lieutenant in the Taiwanese army. He claims to always “get what he wants” and he acts like he’s Superman/king of the world 24/7. He actually had a pretty decent amount of control during my college application/selection process.

I don’t hate my father, though. I respect him and everything he’s done for me, but he is just too overbearing. Whenever I try to be independent, he takes it as a sign of disrespect. He usually always gets the last say in anything academic related I do, unless he has >99% trust in me (which has literally only happened once when I decided to take APUSH). He also has a short temper and panics VERY VERY easily. When I hear him get frustrated, talking to him is like walking on a minefield. I’m going to college over 8 hours away, but he insists that I need to keep him updated on EVERYTHING that happens, be it with my grades or my social life. In short, he treats me like a child when he wants me to act like an adult. Let me reiterate when I say I don’t hate him and I do treat him with the utmost respect because that’s what I was taught. But how do you communicate to a parent that you want a greater degree of independence without having it be misinterpreted as a sign of disrespect? How do I maintain a stable father-daughter relationship while also becoming my own person?

Any type of help would be appreciated, and please don’t slander or call me out on this. I’m not trying to insult anyone, so if can’t answer my question, just leave this post be.

2

You can email your dad a regular friendly update on your activities without including every detail. Sounds like you will enjoy being 8 hours a way!

3

My relationship with my parents is different. My father is depressed and disabled, and most of the time he truly has my back and he supports me and my siblings emotionally. I give him a lot of credit for finally finding medication to control this, although he has a habit of getting very low and withdrawn for a couple of days each month - then he will come out of it and joke that the full moon is over. My mother is the breadwinner and her expectations are sometimes severe and overbearing. I know they have struggled and are proud of me when I am doing my very best.

Many times, I have had to be the adult at home when Mom is working and Dad is low, I have had to take care of the household. It has changed since my sister and brother went off to school but sometimes I feel they are treating me like a complete baby, and other times they seem just too involved in themselves to notice me. The inconsistency can be hard to take.

My sister gave me advice to get their attention and command some respect when this was bothering me more. She told me to write my thoughts on a Tumblr post - and then to imagine them reading it, and honestly try to guess what they would write if they were to respond. It helped me understand how I was seeing them - as manic depressive, because I could easily imagine multiple responses from them about this. One of the reasons I want to go to school close by is because I fear my father’s depression will get worse without me around.

The other thing my sister told me was to remember this experience is very new for our parents as well, and they are still very much learning along the way, and making more mistakes than they may want to admit to.

The other thing I like to think about is when sister graduated from high school, Grandma gave her a picture of my Dad in college. He was wearing a T shirt that said “Don’t Trust Anyone Over 30” I love my Dad and have a lot of respect for what he’s been through, and it took me a while to realize he is a pretty smart guy when it comes to some things. Others, like his taste in music, leave a lot to be desired.

@thisisfine2020 It sounds like you are struggling to accept how you communicate with your father, but you love and respect him deeply. I don’t know if my sister’s advice will be helpful to you as well, but I hope it helps you find the peace it finally brought me.

4

Have you tried talking to him about it in a calm way or to your mother about your father’s behavior and how it makes you feel?

5

@doschicos My parents come from a sort of “Children are seen, and not heard” type of culture. Either parent doesn’t care about what the other parent does to the kid because they assume that the kid deserved it. Also, my dad doesn’t like it whenever I talk about it. It doesn’t matter if I’m sobbing, if I’m screaming, or if I am speaking in a normal voice: he won’t stand for it.

6

It does not sound like there is an easy answer to this. Your best bet may be to “go along to get along,” at least for the duration of college. Eventually you will be an independent adult and will have much more control over your life. Make sure you work hard so that you can be financially independent, which will give you the freedom you desire. I suspect you are going to have to work throughout your life to set boundaries with your dad; a therapist specializing in family issues may be helpful down the road.

7

^^^ Exactly. When you get to college, pay a visit to the counseling center there. The counselors have had experience with all kinds of parents, and all kinds of students, and will have useful ideas for you.

8

Make arrangements to call on a weekly or so schedule. Do your absolute best academically (I assume he will ask for grades as you go along)and give enough bits and pieces about your social life to satisfy him (no need for all the details…talk about a school run event you attended, where you ate etc.). The recommendation above is excellent and the counseling center may be able to get some ideas as to how to manage him from afar.

9

You are going to be 8 hours away. Try to avoid long phone conversations if you don’t want to share everything. If he insists on a daily call, do it while walking between classes so you have a good excuse to keep it short. Don’t share what you don’t want to – you may feel that your social life is not his business. Be vague. Maybe you can find a way to stay on campus next summer (research, work in admissions, or something).

10

I like suggestion #1. A daily email or phone call at a set time should appeal to the military-order-and-routine side of him. It will also be a small first step to setting boundaries.

For someone who is used to controlling everything, letting you go away to college must be absolutely terrifying for him. You’re moving into adulthood now though and your relationship with your parents is going to change. Deep down he knows that. Maybe, as the summer goes on, find things that you want his advice on and specifically ask him about that. Let him know that you still need him. :wink:

11

If vague doesn’t work, give him lots of detail – but only about things that you feel comfortable sharing. For example, you can tell him lots of things about other students whom you’ve met – where they come from, what they’re studying, even how they dress and what they do for fun. But if you’re developing a close friendship with someone whose background is very different from yours and you think he might object, leave that out of the conversation.

Is this dishonest? Yes, a little. But I prefer to think of it as trying to meet your needs and your father’s. He feels a need to stay in close contact with you, but you feel a need for independence. Sharing some things but keeping others private may help to resolve the conflict.

12

“Any type of help would be appreciated” - Get straight As and, I promise, your dad will be off your back. Nothing else you could do, nothing your say will change your dad personality. So, I would not waste my time trying to develop some kind of speeches or whatever. However, hard work and getting all As will get him off your back. One good thing also is to say as little as possible, just listen politely and keep silent.

13

Agree email is an easy way, but can you avoid starting with daily? He might come to expect that and notice/get bothered when you miss one. You can start a generic message and save it as a draft, until ready to send. And start with an effective but short note, so he’s not expecting missives.

It’s really not so unusual for parents to like contact. There was an old thread where we talked about how often we heard from our college kids- and many did get a call daily (or nearly so) from theirs, liked that. Those parents weren’t demanding it, but you play this as it goes. My D2 would often just text a “hi” and yes, she would call between classes.

We also hoped that when we emailed or texted about an issue, that our kids wold try to respond within that day or 24 hours, depending. This challenge isn’t so hard, if you see it as just something you do.

And no, DAP, a parent who wants some sense of control and oversight isn’t going to be satisfied to wait until December or January, when grades come out.

Best wishes, OP.

14

As I read this and other similar threads, I’m reminded of the house we live in now, as it was when we bought it.Only one family had ever lived here-an ex-military man, his wife, and their only child, a son.The father had kept careful records of everything, with minute details, such as when each light bulb was changed, and several series of letters to various city agencies involving his disputes over tiny details-one on-going battle was over a few dollars in the water bill.

All of this was left in the house, along with a box of family photos, the father’s military uniform, and his service flag. We asked if the son wanted them, especially the uniform, and his answer was “absolutely not”. We were astonished, and our realtor, a vet, took care of the uniform and flag for us. What does this have to do with controlling, demanding parents? Well, after we moved in we met our neighbors, most of whom had lived here for decades. We learned that while the mother had been a sweet lady everyone loved, the father had been a controlling, gruff man whose son never seemed to please him. When the son moved out, he didn’t come back until the father had died.

So when I read about people like this on these forums, I wonder if the parents realize how much damage they’re doing to their kids-but also to themselves. It not about good grades, it’s about control, and it can border on abuse, from what I’ve read.

OP, you’ve gotten some good suggestions, other than withholding your tuition, your father can only do so much from 8 hours away. Give him updates, but on your terms. Talk a lot about your classes-that seems to be important to him, less about your social and personal life. If he insists, or forces you to make compromises that make you uncomfortable, give him the bare minimum, and start planning your escape for once the money can no longer control you. I really feel for you. Good luck.

15

for me, and for my S, it was much like post 7 with a regular check in. The final move however was when I became an adult. In my household growing up, and again when I was the parent, adulthood wasn’t just determined by one’s birthday. It wasn’t just being 16, 18, or 21 that made one an adult. The final factor was being self-supporting.

16

@MiamiDAP it is very possible,that this student will get a B in college (even if they do all of their homework).

To the OP…do the best you can. A quick text every other day or so just saying things are fine (if they are) should suffice.

But please do be honest. There is a parent on this forum whose kiddo just failed all their courses…and the oarent spoke to the kid everyday and had no idea.

17

You may be the most honest, trustworthy, responsible, hard-working kid on the planet, but your father may still have his difficult personality.

It may be that when you go off to college, his difficult personality may become even more difficult. Not because you are not being honest, trustworthy, responsible, and hard-working, but because he is so overwhelmed with how his life is changing that he doesn’t even realize how much your life is changing, too. How much you need space to grow and mature and become independent might not even occur to him as he deals with his own panic that you are not in his house under his control anymore.

Instead of framing the problem as, “How can I be so honest, trustworthy, responsible, and hard-working that he will get off my back?,” You may need to frame the problem as, “How can I have the kind of college experience I want to have, despite the fact that my father, who has always been this way and maybe always will be, is on my back for things?”

The counseling center at your schools is a good suggestion for navigating these issues. There will be times when you need to get an objective counselor’s point of view for how much is “you” and how much is “him.” Even if it is “him” that is being unreasonable, you still need a way to cope with that, and a counselor can help. The student counseling center is usually included in your tuition payment, but you should research when you arrive, before you are in crisis, what the policies are (If there is a waiting list to see someone or a limit on number of visits per semester or anything else you should know up front).

18

I second the suggestion to have set times each week for you to call your dad and give him updates on how things are going. You know your overbearing dad better than we do, so you can probably guesstimate the types of questions that he will throw at you during those phone calls.

I also agree with the post above in which someone mentioned that your dad might temporarily become MORE overbearing than when you’re living with your parents at home. This is a possibility because by going away to college & not living at home, he is losing control and for a controlling & overbearing & demanding person like that, loss of control is very scary. Especially if you are the oldest child or the only child in your family.

Not knowing much about your dad other than what you’ve posted here, I would imagine that the sorts of things that he’d be concerned about fall into a few categories, such as:

  1. info & evidence that you’re working hard.
  • tell him that you always go to class.
  • tell him what your grades currently are - midterm exams, the grade you got on the paper that you just turned in, etc.
  1. if you don't get straight A's on all of your grades (which IS possible), behavior/evidence which demonstrates that you are trying to be responsible & doing something about it. For example, tell him that you're going to your TA & professors' office hours for help. Or you've joined a study group. Or you're going for tutoring help. Or you're going to a student resource center to get some suggestions on how to be more effective at studying
  2. behavior from you that shows that you are making smart choices about your personal safety This is where you will have to NOT share everything with him. He does NOT need to know about a big frat party that you might go to. BUT be SURE to tell him about any student safety talks & such that your dorm puts on that you attend. Be SURE to tell him about how you & your girlfriends watch out for each other to keep each other safe if you go out for dinner in the evenings. That sort of thing. He does NOT need to know that your "going out to dinner" involved having "dinner" at 9-10pm, followed by a late party afterwards in which you rolled into your dorm room at 3:00 am.
19

“And no, DAP, a parent who wants some sense of control and oversight isn’t going to be satisfied to wait until December or January, when grades come out.” - And, no, grades come out much faster, after every test, to be sure, nobody keeps them secret.

20

As you have deduced, your father is trying to control you too much. However, is he paying for your college?
If so, then you need to find a balance…Tell him you will call once a week( or whatever you think reasonable…that is normal for college students.). Then have some stories and updates about schoolwork. “I joined a new club today, and got a 92 on my Math quiz.” If he starts yelling at you, just say “You seem upset. I will let you go and we can talk next week.”

As a parent, I like to hear some progress on how things are doing…and if they aren’t going well, would like to be able to give advice on how to use the resources the school has to help.

College should be a time where you gain independence…he may use the threat of not paying for college to try to control your behavior, but consider calling his bluff: “Ok Dad, I will go have a talk with the finance office on how to pay for college if my parents won’t pay because I won’t tell them what I got on every homework”
These types usually don’t want to look bad to the outside world.