^This. Your kid doesn’t have to overlook it, they just need to see that there are things THEY will be naturally better at! It is the same thing as a kid that is not naturally athletic that works hard and gets “good”. Or someone who works really hard to learn to paint decently.
I tell my kid, hey, you can’t be the best at everything. That would be totally unfair to other kids:)
As noted above, some students study less, but study more effectively, so they get more done in less time.
As the kids say, you do you. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone else has their own trials, tribulations, and what you think comes easy to someone else may be accompanied with sorrows you don’t know anything about.
Ditto # 16. Wrong about some smart kids not needing to study # 19. There are gifted kids out there. Think of the Bell curve- the vast majority have a n IQ lower than 120, some to 130 which is sometimes used as a cutoff for giftedness. There are the few who soar above the majority- that tail end of the curve. Most “smart” kids will need to study to get top results. And some who don’t need to study as hard still do have good study habits when needed. Same thing for athletes. Some are natural at certain ways of using their bodies- hand-eye coordination for one. They need to do far less work to be better than their classmates. Likewise the gifted often learned material before the class and do not need to spend time on it, or can easily figure it out. Notice qualifiers- never “all” or “none”.
My son could “get it in one” and didn’t need the extra repetition most even well above average kids do. In all academic fields. So he got A’s in AP calculus but B’s in AP statistics because the latter graded homework- 100% on tests and 0’s on homework. Too bad he was penalized for not needing the busywork. He went on to mostly A’s in honors courses in college- he could do the work when he wanted to. It just wasn’t important for him to always get A’s. Most are within two standard deviations of the Bell curve (both ends) and don’t comprehend the upper echelons.
Your son needs to be learning material for himself and not to be best, better than others. In the long run what matters for him is what he knows, not how much more the HS classmates do. He can admire how those two handle material easily- it is good he acknowledges there are others better at some things than he is. An internal sense of who he is, not based on others, will serve him well.
While there are some students that don’t need to study, they are few and far between. Tell your son that things are not always what they seem and the kids that say they “never” study are probably exaggerating. But also tell him he has to play the cards he is dealt. And, if he were my kid, he would hear about all the ways he is incredibly lucky: having the opportunity to go to a school with smart kids that are aiming for college, that he is smart enough to be in those classes, and what ever else. Life is not fair, and all we can do is be grateful for the gifts we are given and work to overcome the obstacle.
I’m a high senior but everyone hits a bump at some point. Some just hit it later than others. And a lesson I learned from one of my best friends who is incredibly smart(98 GPA,35 ACT, ranked 3rd); “The people who seem to get everything without trying oftentimes are putting a lot of work in where you can’t see it. I spend hours each night studying, I’m constantly staying after to ask questions. But people don’t see that, they just see the A’s on tests and the effortlessly answered questions in class. And it really bugs me when people tell me I don’t have to try or put work in because I do, it’s just not work people see.” I thought this was a very humbling and good perspective to have.
our 2 oldest are both so different with this all; we were talking about it yesterday.
we think overall the kid who works harder to end up the with same result as the kid who’s a natural will succeed. (not to say natural wont – but hard working kid has that built in work-ethic) We are proud of our hard worker. We wish the natural would work harder.
S19 works SO HARD with everything. He’s proud of 4.0 his first semester of college.
D17 works hard with things she LIKES; but is very lax around the house, and doesnt hold a job outside as shes too busy with ECs. We rarely see her study or put out any effort in anything besides music and art. Yet she has a higher ACT; and a high GPA in all honors/ap classes. It’s just easier for her. We think college is going to be a shock for her. (or maybe not?) it’ll be interesting to see how this all turns out!
This is a kind of jealousy. It is not productive to go through life being jealous of people who were born richer, better looking, taller, or with more IQ points. Maybe it is only experience in life that teaches you that those people aren’t always happier. They may end up with more of the trappings of success, but that definitely isn’t everything in life.
There was a very wealthy family in my kid’s K-12 school that was very dysfunctional – parents both with substance abuse problems and unhappy kids that acted out a lot. My D1 once commented that their house was really, really nice. But when I asked her if she would want to live in it as part of that family, she said, “No way!”. We talked about how wealth doesn’t buy happiness or good relationships. Well, neither do brains. Being good at academics doesn’t mean someone has the most important character traits – kind, hard working, thoughtful, gentle, sense of humor, responsible. Jealousy isn’t an attractive character trait, and you might point that out to your son.
How does a kid knows that “kids who “barely study” are acing everything.”. Because he was told so? Kids never discussed grades and work among D’s friends. She specifically choose a crowd who were not into this, was not entertaining for her. I would recommend to stay away from “intense” kids. That was always my D’s and graddaughter’s goal. D. had never had a B in her entire life from kindergarten thru graduating from college. Granddaughter is also a straight A HS junior attending one of the top test-ins in NYC. Both were in environment with lots of Asian kids. In fact granddaughter’s HS is 72% Asian because HS accepts strictly based on one test score. D’s medical school class was predominantly Asian. The Asian kids do not get it easy at all, they work extremely hard. 'Working easy" for straight As is a myth. Being naturally smart will not result in all As, not at all. I know exactly how it is done. Yes, some classes are easy for a specific student and others are very hard to the same student. The kids who decided that they cannot afford a B, just work much harder in classes that are hard for them. Simple and straight forward strategy, no tricks, no specific smarts required. What also help a lot is to be involved in many um-related activities. That keeps brain going in very different areas and also develops the time management skills. Frankly, I have no idea how it works, but D. was claiming that her Music minor was helping her in her college Physics classes, she felt that she was more creative. However, do not get me wrong, D. said while at college that while others in her apartment were watching TV, she knew that she could not afford it, as she could not afford having Bs. She studied instead. I do not call it easy at all.
There really is no point in your son comparing how hard he works to how hard someone else works, for a whole host of reasons already listed.
When I was in college, I had two extremely smart friends there on full ride scholarships. They were even room mates. One studied almost every waking minute. And often literally fell asleep while studying in the wee hours of the morning. The other occasionally studied, but never seemed to have to study extensively or pull an all nighter. Both had 4.0 all the way through college including honors classes. At the time I thought the one who rarely studied was obviously naturally smarter. Then I had two smart kids (identified as gifted in elementary). Watching them develop study skills has been eye opening. My older daughter tends to have more anxiety and nerves and always has, way back to 1st grade spelling and AR tests. She studies more than any other kid I know, and has excellent grades. If she doesn’t study, her anxiety freezes her up on tests. She actually has made similar statements as your son because she has friends who effortlessly get the same or better grades and I do point out to her that a lot of it is how much a person needs to study to feel confident, not to actually know the information. Additionally, I mention as others do that different people have different skills. A kid “smart” at figuring out new ideas and making connections between ideas might not also be good at memorizing. A kid who has trouble learning new concepts may shine at memorizing. This can show up on how hard they have to work to work or not work for various subjects. My older has tended to do well in math but worked hardest for the foreign language grade as one required more complex thinking skills and the other has mostly been memorizing. How hard she has had to work in other subjects has also varies depending on how much has simply been memorizing vs deeper thinking skills. My younger has just entered middle school and has many of the same strengths but much less anxiety accompanies them, so she doesn’t appear to be working as hard for the high grades.
At the high school level there’s all kinds of non-talent based factors that can make things challenging.
There are of course naturally gifted students on TOP of that…
I have a sign on my bulletin board that says “Comparison is the death of joy.” It really is true. Just focus on doing your personal best.
First of all, how does he know that they “barely study”? Because they say so? It is likely that many of them are up working as hard as he is but are just trying to seem “cool” by saying it all comes naturally.
Second, who cares? Your son’s goal is to do as well as he can. That’s it. Don’t worry about how others do. There are always smarter people out there, but if he is in the honor’s track I’m guessing there are also many who are not as academically gifted as he is.
And as an aside,…My D is a lovely and very smart (but admittedly, not brilliant) young lady who hung out with the “academically gifted” group throughout HS. She knew she wasn’t quite as brilliant as many of her friends, but she had a lot of other amazing attributes (ex. being a kind and empathetic friend, a leader in community service, an excellent musician etc.) that earned her the admiration of her HS friends. Many of her HS friends are at the Ivys, CatTech, MIT, Stanford and the like. My D is at a wonderful Patriot League LAC that she loved from our first visit. Turns out, my D is among the happiest of all of her HS friends with her college experience – she will graduate with honors, has been very active on campus, and is applying to an excellent group of grad schools for a career that she researched and prepared herself for. I couldn’t be more proud.
Bottom line is tell your S to stop comparing himself to others – you are who you are – just make the most of it!
Most people are good at something, at least those that are applying to college. My D could breeze through a paper and get an A, while others would struggle for a significantly lower grade. However, put some math problems in front of her and she was dead. Guess what her major is - Literature. There are very few geniuses in the world - just closeted hard working students who don’t want to be seen as Geeks by their high school peers.
Intparent post 27 is a great post.
I am reminded of an anecdote my daughter tells about one of her experiences at an all-girl Catholic high school. One of her friends, a delightful and talented young woman who did not excel in academics, found my daughter studying during a break in drama rehearsals. ‘Why are you studying,’ the friend asked, ‘you always make A’s?’ My daughter replied with a humorous suggestion that the two situations might be related.
Do not think that when you see person is not studying, he is actually not studying.
Not true in case of the many 4.0 kids. My D. used to write her AP Lit. papers in her head during her sport practices all the time. Of course, it would take her no time to just type it when she got a chance. She continued doing the same in college, going over material in her head while walking from class to class…and the same worked for her very well in medical school. It is called great time management skills and may be interpreted by others as an easy time doing the work. One do what they have to do to get an A. Do not listen to others, do what is required in your specific case. And stop being around the people who talk about their easy time, they are lairs, they are not fun to be around.
Great point, Miami. It is true that one can expose oneself to material and deeply consider that material throughout the day, or even during one’s sleep, ordering and structuring a response or analysis of what was taken in. It can be a great de-stresser when one is in college.
My son felt HS classes in STEM came easily to him. Then he got to college, and met kids who, in certain subjects, were a stratosphere above him. Son may earn an A in physics classes, but there were others who got A+. It wasn’t the amount of time studying, it was their mental ability to comprehend advanced topics.
In my experience very very few students are so brilliant they do no studying at all! It’s all an illusion. I have a personal example.
When I was about 12 I had an inspiring Biology teacher who taught me to summarise work to be learnt on one post card (using trigger key words etc). I have used this technique for years and years, hundreds of times. So I was the student who turned up to Cambridge finals (exams based on three whole years of study ) with one little card. Threw it away on the way in to the exam centre. Aced exam. This looks like an amazing feat of memory - it’s absolutely not and any anyone could do it. I put in hundreds, maybe thousands of hours of study, just like everyone else.