<p>My 12 yo son just started playing viola in middle school. He gets a private lesson once a week from a member of our local symphony. She thinks he has unusual potential. He does not currently have unusual motivation. Would you push? If so, how could I do it so that he won’t rebel?</p>
<p>Just make it a part of his day–15 minutes and then you can go play. Once he gets into the habit of practicing, it will be like doing homework. Maybe have him practice as soon as he gets home from school and has a snack-15 minutes-then do your homework-then the rest of the day is yours.</p>
<p>Reward him for practicing - I used to give 30 minutes of video game time (only on weekends!) for 60 minutes of music practice. The jazz band director loved me. S says I was the meanest mom in the whole middle school. :rolleyes: At least he smiles now…</p>
<p>ETA: This worked all through middle school. When he went to high school, he chose to sing instead. But he continued to play one instrument through high school (not in the band) and continues today.</p>
<p>Bribery worked for us for a while.</p>
<p>At 12, motivation really needs to be internal–or at least related to pleasing his teacher, not his parent. And practice at age 12 needs to be more like 45 minutes–maybe 30 minutes if this is truly the very first instrument he has ever played. I personally would limit my comments to asking whether he has practiced yet today.</p>
<p>Make it non negotiable. That’s what I did with my son and he was very grateful when he got good enough that the benefits started rolling in. Also make it fun. Sit with him and pretend to be his audience. As my son learned to play individual pieces of music, we made it into a game of name that tune. He also called and still calls my mom to play for her over the phone. I think sitting with him provides the best incentive and I promise you will never regret the conversations you will have with him. It’s while his hands are occupied with music that you will hear his hopes, dreams, concerns and experiences.</p>
<p>I was forced to practice piano every day for 30 minutes. I HATED it. I begged my Mom to let me quit. She responded “do I let you quit math or English? NO.” I finally realized that she simply wanted us to be exposed to music, so I asked if I could take up the flute instead. She said, “sure.” Once I was playing an instrument I loved, I wanted to become proficient. As I got older, I also got competitive and wanted to make first chair. So my motivation got very strong, but in all truthfulness, it was completely internal. </p>
<p>If he doesn’t enjoy his instrument, you will have an uphill battle which I don’t know is very constructive or worth it in the end. I wouldn’t nag, and just see where his interest takes him with it.</p>
<p>We used to have to use a crowbar to pry D away from her piano or guitar. From the age of around 10 she was on one or the other for hours at a time. I really truly do not think that music should be or can be forced on anyone. The only motivation you might want to impose is—no practice=no lessons and no instrument. And just do not threaten him. Really mean it and do it.</p>
<p>I am with musicamusica. I LOVED to practice my instrument when I was in middle school and high school, and spent as much as 2-3 hours a day doing it because it was my favorite thing to do. I gave private lessons to kids – and there were some whose parents made them play/practice. They were not any good, and IMHO their parents were wasting time and money by continuing to pressure them to play. None of them ever “caught fire”… the ones who were good liked it from the start, and enjoyed practicing. Maybe someone else has a different story out here, but that was my experience.</p>
<p>I’m a piano player of 12 years and I also have to say that motivation is essential. This motivation can either be cultivated by an awesome teacher or just playing a song/instrument he likes. I almost quit seven years in because I absolutely despised my teacher and didn’t have any motivation to continue. It’s essential that this motivation be his own if he is to get far with music. Try to cultivate that desire without forcing it. Simply forcing him to sit there for 45 minutes isn’t enough - neither is bribing him with gifts or gaming privileges, cause then all it turns into is a game of how fast he can get his assigned tasks done to do something else. It turns the focus from the music to the video game or whatever else.</p>
<p>I’ll admit, it was easier to keep going when there’s a payoff, either in form of positive exam results, positive affirmation from a teacher who he admires/respects, awards in competition, maybe a compliment from a stranger. Set these up if possible, or maybe choose a teacher that offers such opportunities.</p>
<p>Good luck. I know it’s hard to get started, but if you’re persistent, I’m sure your combined efforts will show in the following years.</p>
<p>My experience was that the very early learning period required some parental intervention, but when it became clear to my son that he was moving forward and actually making music, we couldn’t stop him. In the early days, the high notes on the clarinet felt like an ice pick in my ear, but now listening to him play is a gift.</p>
<p>We also took the laissez-faire approach with our D and let her set her own pace. In her case, learning the violin was her idea (she started at age 5). Over the next 13 years of formal study, her dedication waxed and waned occasionally, but she always stayed committed. </p>
<p>Agree with musicamusica: we did have a no practice = no instrument or lessons rule. Never had to invoke it. Choices come with commitment, consequences, and responsibility. Actually, music lessons were the perfect platform to teach those life lessons.</p>
<p>Some of the keys to our experience: 1. Great teacher(s), whose pedagogical style/s were well-calibrated to her needs and skills as they evolved. 2. Ensemble playing opportunities. D joined her first string ensemble (outside of school) during middle school. That camaraderie with like minded music kids, particularly at that awkward age, can be a real treasure. 3. Music camp. </p>
<p>Your son might also be interested to learn that a good violist is always a high-demand player, and he can really set himself apart (if that kind of distinction is something that might motivate/appeal to him).</p>
<p>BTW D is currently a professional musician who also teaches. She charges between $85 to $125 a lesson and turns away students every week. She has had serious talks with more than one set of parents on this subject. Basically goes like this: “your kid has real potential, but will not practice. I really can’t waste my time or your money on this sort of thing. Call me later, if they change their mind.” She turns away more students than she accepts.
These are not bad kids, they just are not that into music. The parents are highly motivated, the kids…not so much.</p>
<p>My son was always super motivated, but it took some time for him to internalize the connection between putting the work in and actually making progress. There was an aha moment for him where one note connected with another and suddenly he was flying. He needed parental support to get to that point because he just couldn’t yet imagine the possibilities.</p>
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<p>Agreed. Mom’s older sisters all took to the piano like duck to water while my she simply hated it. It felt so much like torture to her that she not only stopped after about 8 months, but was also a factor in why she never forced those lessons on me even when some relatives offered to pay for them. </p>
<p>I am so grateful considering the then working-class NYC neighborhood environment I grew up in where learning piano gave older bullies more reasons to beat you up* and moreso after watching dozens of HS classmates* suffer painfully through parent forced lessons to the point they HATED classical music and wanted nothing further to do with it once they were off to college. </p>
<p>A few of those classmates are so bitter about their experience I’d hesitate to leave them alone with a classical musical instrument as they seem like the types to perform a Pete Townsend on them. </p>
<p>In my case, I am currently learning electric guitar on my own, having fun making noise, trying to play rock n’roll/punk classics, and scaring away local wildlife. :D</p>
<p>Moreover, I’ve been talking with some friends to arrange for some of us to pick up $20 to see opera at the Met this coming year. Ironic considering I went through an anti-classical musical phase myself…though thankfully the cool conservatory kids at Oberlin cured me of that. :)</p>
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<li>There seemed to be a notion among the bullies and the male HS classmates that learning piano or other classical music instruments was “emasculating” as such instruments were viewed as “feminine”. Ironic considering some older HS classmates would have rather opted for electric guitar/bass/drums, spandex, big hair, and attempt to be cheesy hair metalists.</li>
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<p>Playing an instrument was not negotiable in our house. BUT paying for private lessons was. Our school does group lessons in school through middle school. The deal with us…if they wanted private lessons and upgraded instruments (something better than the student model) they had to practice. We didn’t nag or bribe. It was the kid’s job to set up practice time. Neither one wanted to be the last chair in the lower performing band at school. It was their motivation to do well that made them practice. Disclaimer…one of our kids is a professional musician and the other took private lessons and played in the orchestra in college for four years. </p>
<p>We funded both piano and another instrument lesson for each kid…because they practiced. They also went to four weeks of summer music camp…practice required there too.</p>
<p>We have a “no practice, no lessons” rule here, too. D’s private lesson teacher says that the self-motivation will come as her skills advance, and I do find that she practices for longer when she’s identified some aspect she wants to improve and which she also has the skills / knowledge to improve upon. When she thinks she’s doing well enough, or she knows something is going wrong but has no idea how to start fixing it, her practice tends to be perfunctory (so not worth the bother).</p>
<p>A small thing we did that got S practicing more: we got a sax stand and did not have him put instrument in carrying case unless he was leaving the house. It seemed like walking by the readily available sax was a magnet: he just had to pick up and play a bit–and sometimes found himself playing for quite awhile…</p>
<p>Ahhhh… Frustration. We had to push S to practice. And he was/is good. Plays trumpet, sings and is now learning bag pipes. </p>
<p>He was recommended for All County in 5th grade when only 6th graders got recommended. He had his own solo song for a 6th grade multi school concert. It had rarely or never happened. HS band, he was first trumpet from freshman year and first chair from sophomore yr. He would have been first chair in HS band in 7th grade if it was allowed. ( He wasn’t first chair freshman yr out of respect to the senior who worked hard to get it for four years.)</p>
<p>He did American Music Abroad and was first chair in band and jazz band out of students from five states. He was also chosen for chorus, but wasn’t allowed to do all three. (Practice conflicts). All County, All State… always first chair. Whatever he was involved with, he excelled. (There were private lessons after realizing his talent, summer music camps, upgraded instruments, etc.)</p>
<p>But… he would NEVER practice unless we bugged him. We stopped bugging him and he stopped practicing. He played and sang through college, but he could have gone far if he had the drive. You cannot force the drive. That must come from within.</p>
<p>As stated, he is now studying bag pipes. He is an adult and makes his own choices. He does not practice except about 20 minutes before his lesson.</p>
<p>He has always loved performing, just not practicing. Sigh!</p>
<p>Both my kids are working musicians. I never had to ask them practice. If anything, from time to time, I had to ask them to stop. Talented or no you cannot instill passion, drive and love for playing music, it must come from within.</p>
<p>Just because you have promise or talent doesn’t mean you like to do it. A shame but it happens all of the time.</p>