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<p>My FIL is like this (has always been). He would pick us up at the airport when we would come back from Europe or visiting the kids at college, and after one perfunctory question, it would be back to all about whether the car was acting up and had to be taken in, what the weather was like back home (when it was uneventful), or what was on sale at Costco. It’s just self-absorbed. I think there is nothing that can be done.</p>
<p>My MIL is like this…she’ll ask you a question and before you can respond, she’ll provide the answer!!! She’ll ask my kids, what was your favorite subject in school, but before they answer she’ll say: I bet is was math, your dad loved math. He loved recess too, and blah blah blah… We just sit and nod.</p>
<p>We’ve been told that MIL likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She is very self-absorbed (heck, she got a face-lift at 85…not that that alone is proof…lol)</p>
<p>She actually gets mad when I interrupt her monologues. It’s very frustrating. But</p>
<p>Yes, some people like this do get quite upset when you HAVE to interrupt them. After 15 minutes of straight one-way convo, others do feel “the right” to say “something”…even if it’s just to question or comment on what’s been said. It’s impossible to wait til THE VERY END in order to say anything because then your comment is concerning a subject that the Chatty Cathy was talking about 10 subjects BACK!!!</p>
<p>Obviously, we don’t know if some of these folks do have some kind of disorder…a few probably do. The ones who get angry seem (to me) to be outside the range of normal and that’s always a red flag to me. </p>
<p>I have an old work acquaintance who was OCD and was a non-stop talker. She was “let go” by mgmt because it annoyed everyone AND she’d come into your office and you couldn’t get rid of her…even if you hinted or directly said that you’re busy. We’d keep our cell phones nearby with our work numbers “ready to go” so that we could discreetly call ourselves in order to force a convo’s end.</p>
<p>I do think low self-esteem and social anxiety play a part in it, and M is extremely sensitive to criticism, so we have to tread lightly; she doesn’t get offended, she gets weepy. When she interrupted my cousin, I very gently put my hand on her shoulder and told her we all wanted to hear what he had to say. She was quiet for about 2 minutes, but then burst in again. At least I can take comfort in knowing other people are dealing with this.</p>
<p>At the end of the day, I just really feel bad for her because she is such a sweet person, but I know she is turning people off :(.</p>
<p>Quick aside: two days ago, her gabbing was driving me nutso, so I suggested we watch a movie on Netflix, which usually at least cuts down on her talking. I chose “The Intouchables” because it is a great film and I knew she would love it. Since the movie is in French with English subtitles, she had to concentrate on the screen, and hardly talked at all! She did laugh a lot, though, so it was a perfect choice. My brother even called at one point to talk to her, and she didn’t pick up the phone because she wanted to finish the movie first. Success!</p>
<p>Now, I am sure every single person she has encountered in the last two days has had to hear all about “The Intouchables”, but at least I got a couple hours of peace. Heading over to the movie thread now for more foreign film suggestions…</p>
<p>We have some extended family members like this. All I want to say is “wait a minute- I didn’t sign up for this lecture series”.</p>
<p>That said, in my observation, this is usually a wiring issue, at times accompanied by personality traits as discussed. Pressured speech, usually rapid fire and completely oblivious to others, and sometimes, off the wall content as well, can be a symptom of hypomania or mania, part of the bi-polar landscape. But usually, I think it is just how a particular brain works, perhaps with a compulsive quality. My mother in law’s mother was bi-polar, she was never diagnosed with any psychiatric issue, but from the day I met her, she could never wait for anyone to finish a sentence. If she did pause briefly, you could see her wheels turning to come up with what she was saying next, rather than to listen to others. It has never changed much. She has become less of a quick thinker, so that has brought the pacing to a better place, but the propensity remains. I also have seen people with some forms of attention issues have trouble with conversational back and forth.</p>
<p>It makes sense to rule out the big stuff, though I don’t think elders are likely to change. Young people who are experiencing negative effects from this can be taught how to pause in conversations, count, briefly repeat back what was said, etc., to increase the quality of their lives. Of course, any underlying condition would need to be addressed first. When you think about it, pontificating is a lot easier than listening and assimilating. Maybe it can be a learned skill set in many cases, if one is aware and motivated.</p>
<p>That said, it does change what one can expect in the relationship and mutuality is tough to find.</p>
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My H does this and it is very insensitive. I’ve finally started calling him out when he does by saying “Um, excuse me, I’m not finished yet.” He’s not a bad or rude person but he’s very outgoing and has a hard time not being the center of attention at a social gathering.</p>
<p>If she did pause briefly, you could see her wheels turning to come up with what she was saying next, rather than to listen to others</p>
<p>Yes! That seems to be what happens. That’s why if you wait til any convo stops to say anything, you’ll be commenting on a subject that was many subjects back. :(</p>
<p>One thing I’ve noticed is that some of these people don’t know much/anything about others…because others have never had a chance to say much.</p>
<p>I am the “strong silent type” ie, my wife and I get along great because she likes to talk and I (like to?) listen. Every once in a while, after being interrupted or having a sentence completed for me incorrectly, I will say, “OMG, can I please say one sentence???” </p>
<p>With my mother, I mostly let her speak uninterrupted. I only get very upset when I finally try to say something and she looks the other way.</p>
<p>BTW, One thing I have learned to appreciate as a personality trait - especially in young people - is a natural curiosity, and asking another person questions about them rather than talking about yourself. I learned this from a roommate of mine many many years ago. I had a good friend over for dinner, and through my roommate’s questions I learned new things about my friend that I never knew!! Things that I had never thought to ask. In social settings especially with new people I always try to ask more questions than are asked of me…er… which sometimes involves steering the conversation away from my wife. :D</p>
<p>I wouldn’t rule out hearing loss as a possible reason for increased intensity of the monologues and interrupting. My mother was the same way; she was always compulsively chatty (a mask for anxiety and insecurity), but as she aged, it became exponentially worse. She would fill any perceived “silences” with talk because she did not realize that anything else was going on. Unfortunately she was too self-conscious to wear a hearing aid even after a diagnosis of hearing loss. I would much rather wear one than drive everyone around me crazy.</p>
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<p>I like this. Maybe we get just get tired as we age; hence, the old bore syndrome. Also, the less people do, they more they talk about it.</p>
<p>Another thing I’ve experienced with non-stop talkers…thank goodness for TiVo-like products! Now, at least, I can back up and replay when we’ve missed a “good part” because the talker won’t be quiet!!! One time, I VERY OBVIOUSLY hit the rewind over and over hoping the person would get the hint. :(</p>
<p>have any of you been reprimanded by the “talker” for glancing at your phone for an incoming message or whatever?</p>
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<p>This is precisely what my mom’s issue is. She cannot abide even the tiniest natural pause in a conversation, so she rushes to fill it. When we’re out driving, if there is a nanosecond of silence and nothing immediately comes to mind, she will actually start reading traffic signs out loud until she thinks of something better. “45 miles per hour. Merging traffic. Oh! Did I tell you what your brother said?” That’s what we’re reduced to by her inability to tolerate quiet.</p>
<p>Her natural extraversion plays a part too – for her, contact with the world means talking with the world. If the world has nothing to say at the moment, she will oblige. Content is irrelevant; a flowing stream of words is all that matters.</p>
<p>I think that the Chatty Cathies (of both sexes) fall into a couple of categories…</p>
<p>1) the nice good-hearted ones who just seem to have a lot of nervous energy/anxiety. They will listen to your stories (when you have a chance to tell any…lol)</p>
<p>2) the more disturbed ones who get angry/annoyed when you either mention it, need to interrupt them. Instead of “getting the message” when they see that others are “tuning them out,” they get angry. They aren’t great listeners, some are terrible listeners. They really do not care if you want to listen to a TV show, have some quiet time, or whatever. They have a “need” to say something, and by golly, you’re gonna listen to it.</p>
<p>I have a co-worker who is a big talker. Once she gets on a roll there’s no stopping her. Even more annoying is that she seems to think she is an expert on almost every subject under the sun and feels the need to give advice to everyone whether she has any real knowledge of the subject matter at all. She has to have a say no matter what.</p>
<p>Here’s an example :
I once mentioned that Jane Eyre was one of my favorites to which she replied,
“Yes, I liked all her books”. She had no clue that Jane Eyre was a character not an author but that didn’t stop her from adding her two cents.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>lol…she probably thought you were talking about Jane Austen.</p>
<p>…or maybe the Fun with Dick and Jane series. ;)</p>
<p>I wish my MIL would just talk and chatter on. I could tune that out. I counted 27 questions the last time I drove her about 3 miles. I feel like I am constantly defending/explaining myself.</p>
<p>"Oregon101, what are you doing?
“I am making H’s lunch”. (?)
“Why are you doing that!?”
"Because he need to eat lunch–?
“He can Make his own lunch!” (screechy voice)
“But he won’t. You know how much weight he has lost lately and I am worried”
and on and on. At least 5 more passes. Basically, I simply never talk to her and usually stay out of any room she is in unless someone else is there. I asked my own young DIL to help me during her last visit. She was a doll and sat for an hour answering question after question. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t you think she would be thrilled to have a DIL who took an interest in her S’s health and wellbeing?</p>
<p>OK vent over!</p>
<p>Hmm…give her a break…she’s sticking up for YOU! If I saw my (future) DIL making lunch for either of my sons I would probably have said the same thing! </p>
<p>Alternately, my Mom believed that a wife should always serve her husband lunch. This belief was NOT carried down to our generation :-).</p>
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<p>I hear ya. My wife and MIL = two motormouths. I don’t even think my wife will take a breath. Over the years, I got so tired of being interrupted every time I opened my mouth that I learned to just sit there and zone out. No way to participate in a conversation. No way to listen to the same stories. Of course, then I’d get complaints that I was being “anti-social”. Come to think of it, I found it so annoying over the years that I did grow to avoid social gatherings with my wife.</p>
<p>My bigger point was that my MIL asks so many questions that there is not air space.
My example was her lack of support for me married to her ill S and I am doing something nice for him yet being questioned.
After 30 yrs together, gonna guess she no longer needs to have an opinion much less critique a kindness.
But! back to the topic. Recently had friends for dinner and the wife went off on her favorite topic and we all sat there silently. Basically, what I have realized, is that I am not so much irritated with people like her as that I end up not liking myself. Hope that makes some kind of sense…but don’t we mostly like the people who bring out the best in our very own self. A monologue person does not make me feel kind or generous.
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<p>lol…many of us have stories, but do we have solutions to the OP’s question?</p>
<p>Come to think of it, I found it so annoying over the years that I did grow to avoid social gatherings with my wife</p>
<p>Wow…come to think of it, the former non-stop talker former co-worked I mentioned upthread used to complain that her H refused to go to social gatherings. I just thought he was the “stay at home type”. Now, I’m thinking that he may have wanted to avoid the embarrassment of being with his wife while she rattled on not letting anyone else speak.</p>
<p>D1’s BF likes to talk and used to go on non stop until I told D1 to have a word with him. I was coaching him for interviews and I had to say, “Keep your answers short, after you say something, take a breath, look at the interviewer for few seconds to see if he/she wants to say something.” “And by the way, that’s how you should have conversation with people socially too.” He is much better around me now. In the beginning, I used to give D1 looks. The funny thing is D1 is also a talker, so I wondered who got to talk in their relationship.</p>